Yung Hoes Cook Everything On High

(AO3 in the comments)

When Shane got home from practice that afternoon there was a box sitting on his counter, his housekeeper must have brought it in before they left he thought. He looked at the box, wearily he hadn’t ordered anything and nothing was scheduled from his campaigns. He knew Ilya would think he was paranoid but anthrax is a thing and he was a well known and beloved (sometimes hated) hockey player. He pulled out his phone to be sure

Shane: Did you send me something in the mail?

Ilya: hello my sweet boyfriend, practice was good made the boys work extra hard mostly because I was bored. I had a sandwich for lunch… it was not good. I think I want to try coffee syrups. I missed you all day, even though you did not text me at all.

Shane: Sigh…

Shane: Hi Ilya my beloved, how was your day.

Shane: Sorry I couldn’t text you till now, Mom had me in meetings for the foundation all morning and I had a viewing for the condo.

Shane: I miss you so much, and I came home and there was a package.

Ilya: i have a package for you

Shane: Ewwww

Ilya: no literally

Ilya: i sent you something

Shane: Oh good so it’s not anthrax from a rabid fan.

Ilya: booooo

Ilya: just open it

—-

Shane opened the package, it was a pair of running shorts. Shorter than what he usually wore. He rolled his eyes, stepping into his closet he stripped and pulled on the shorts. He looked at himself in his full length mirror. Turning this way and that way he thought he looked pretty great in them, he was about to text Ilya a picture of them when he got an idea. Ilya always seemed to know just how to rile Shane up. Well two can play at that game. He put he running shoes on and went on a run.

Hollander Updates:

SPOTTED: we have nothing appropriate to say.. so just look at the damn picture.

(Image: Shane Hollander running in green lulu lemon running shorts(3in.inseam), white socks, white reeboks)

Puckygolucky: Holy Fucking Shit

Montreal4ever: Let me worship

StuckyPucky:That’s canadas ass right there

Crease_me_so_easy:Looking disrespectfully

Hockeygirl24: I live here now send my mail to the gentle curve of his ass

ShaneHollandersfreckles: Ass too fat thighs too juicy goddam

Shaydenmylove: Zoomed in counting abs.. goddamn are there 8.

Itsmestacy: What you doing here with all the ass

Yunahbabyy: This is the best day of my life

Shaneslover: TAKE THIS DOWN!!

Hollander4thewin: Whoever is with this man can you fight!!

Shaneslover: Yes

Shane Hollander and the brotherhood of the traveling hat.

Shane Hollander is maybe a little too particular in his shopping habits. He doesn’t care too much about fashion or style he will leave that to his stylist, but when he likes something he tends to fixate.. a little… a lot. Shane’s secret love is accessories, watches (vintage perfered), shoes, and hats. He likes baseball caps the best, they help him go incognito mode when he is out and about and they’re the one thing he doesn’t have to over think, grab one throw it on and go. Fits to tight adjust and move on, no weird tags or elastic or itchy material, just easy. He has built himself a little collection; no teams or states/countries, just fun caps.

Shane and Ilya had shared a wardrobe that summer, shirts and shorts grabbed for convenience rather than this is mine that is yours. Caps and sunglasses grabbed of the counter on their way out, the easy comfort of sharing with your boyfriend.

When Shane got home from Ottawa that summer as he was sorting laundry and returning everything to its place in his closet he noticed a hat was missing. A particular favorite The Coney Cowboy. He checked all his bags, went down and checked his car. Nothing. He didn’t want to drive all the way back to the cottage to get it and then he realized that he could text his boyfriend (sigh his boyfriend) if he’d seen it or if it had been left behind.

Shane: Have you seen my hat?

Ilya: good morning to you too. yes I did sleep well and miss you too…

Shane: Sorry! Good morning, I miss you.

Ilya: better

Shane: Did you see my hat?

Ilya: 🙄

Ilya: what hat??

Shane: The brown one with the cowboy on it.

Ilya: no

Shane: Fuck, I was hoping you had. I guess I’ll have to go back this weekend or maybe have my parents check for me.

Ilya: oh my god Hollander you are so boring.

Ilya: -sends picture wearing the hat-

Shane: Oh.

Ilya: I can mail it back.

Shane:No!

Shane: I’ll just get it next time I see you, you keep it till then.

Ilya: 👍

——-

“Good morning, hockey people! Today I am unboxing fancy coffee maker.”

Ilya doesn’t mind Shane’s skin care time, it’s his 15 minutes to scroll with the sound on high.

He doesn’t mind that is until Shane randomly asks him if he can take pictures of his back. At first excited to pose Ilya wholeheartedly agrees. It’s until he is told to lay face down and Shane takes what feels like a hundred pictures that he gets suspicious.

“What are you doing” Ilya asks muffled by the comforter

“Documenting your moles to make sure nothing changes while you’re in Boston” Shane replies “You made me loose count, give me a second don’t move”

Ilya groans into the mattress, not sexy, not fun. So boring, and Ilya is so happy. Someone loves him enough to worry, his boyfriend loves him and is worried about him.

——

After the Dunkin disaster as Shane has started calling it, Ilya isn’t expecting any more care packages. Shane hasn’t been thrilled with how Ilya has managed to turn all his gifts into something…else. So he was pleased to receive a big box in the mail marked fragile.

Ilya took the box into the kitchen to unbox, he looked inside and started pulling out all sorts of bottles with little labels in Shane’s messy scrawl step 1, step 2 and so on. There was also a laminated page on how and when to use each product.

Ilya reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, taking a picture of the contents and sending it to Shane.

Ilya: what is this?

Shane: Skincare.

Ilya: yes I know, is for you? To keep here?

Shane: No. It’s for you.

Shane: To take care of your skin.

Shane: Send me a picture of your back.

Ilya: no.

Ilya: you just want it for moles

Ilya: pervert

Shane

Incoming face time call

—-

Ilya decides to record himself using them because he knows Shane likes his little videos.

He knows Shane likes them because he keeps asking for more. Send me video with shower shoes on, send video eating salad, send video saying goodnight…

Video:

(Phone is set on a bathroom counter, Ilya leans in close, folding his arms on the counter)

“Okey we are trying skincare for first time”

(Exists frame)

“Where is box” can be heard from a distance.

(Comes back into frame)

“Okey I have box let us being, first up is….”

He looks like he is reading from something.

“Start with the Celimax jojoba-oil cleanser with the Beauty by Earth gua sha” he looks around with a confused look “What?!” Starts rummaging through the box when he goes back to the paper.

“Bottle is marked #1 use with green tool” he whisper reads “Ah okey I found it!”

Holds up the gua sha to the camera and the bottle marked #1.

“Now how do you use gua sha” he holds up one finger.

“Please hold” he comes back carrying a laptop “Okey I watched tutorial”

—-

“So that took forever” he gives an exasperated look to the camera.

“Step 2 says to use Skin1004 Poremizing deep-cleansing foam to double cleanse. Use in the shower” he reads from the laminated sheet.

(He leaves the frame)

“I’m not showing shower, pervert”he yells.

(He comes back into frame)

“You have to pay for that, only fans when?” He winks at the camera.

——

(He comes back into frame)

Wearing a towel wrapped around his waist, wet hair slicked back, skin looking noticeably brighter. He is holding the sheet “Step three says After shower, use the Num-buz-in No. 3 toner. Do not apply with hands use cotton rounds” he reads rolls his eyes “ I wasn’t going to use hands” he blows a raspberry to the camera.

“Notice how all skin care have names that are impossible to read and make no sense to what they are?” He says as he applies the toner to the cotton round and starts applying to his face “It is conspiracy to sell very expensive smelly water” he finishes applying “That don’t do anything to skin” he gives a disparaging look to the camera.

He holds up a bottle marked four “I read ahead this is moisturizer with crazy name, Alexa what is Centella am-pou-le?!” An Alexa answers in the background “ I’m sorry I didn’t quite get that” he rolls his eyes at camera “Ugh, useless”he says as he applies the moisturizer.

(leaning in close to the camera, his whole face in frame)

“We are almost done, you have made it this far. You are still watching and for what? Is it interesting or exciting to watch me rub liquids and goops on my face?” He pull back from the frame and winks “of course it is pervert”

Ilya holds up the last bottle showing it to the camera “Sunscreen! This is Skin1004 SPF 50, because some people believe the sun is out to kill me via mole attack” he applies the sunscreen to his face “moles are angel kisses, I am kissed all over” he slaps his cheeks.

(phone is lifted of the counter and brought up to eye level)

“Okey that is all, night time routine is two steps and not important”

(the camera moves all over his face showing different angles)

“Skin does look extra glowy, do not send lotion in a basket please I do not want to be skinned”

(the video ends)

—-

Much to Ilyas frustration his video was 20 minutes long and would not send in a text or in an email.

Which is why he was now making a YouTube account to upload the video. After what felt like hours ilya_rozanov81 had uploaded their first video caption “Get Ready With Me Skin Care”. His video was just for Shane but it was normal enough he felt that he could post it without it giving anything away. He had never said Shane’s name and he had seen other people do these sort of videos so felt ok posting it.

He sent the link to Shane and went about his day, there was an optional practice that afternoon that he had considered skipping but was in the mood to let off some energy.

——

Shane: I saw your video.

Shane: cute 🥰

Shane: take it down now.

Shane: hello??

Shane: Ilya! Seriously take it down now people are starting to comment.

Shane: Ilya!!

Shane: It’s breached containment….

Shane: whatever call me when you get out of practice I guess 😤

Ilya

Incoming Call

——

Puckygolucky: only fans when????? Yes please! Drop the link!!

Reply

Bostonraiderette: this is unhinged in the best way!

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StuckyPucky: What’s wrong with you genuinely asking.

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Ilyaswife: Not me grinning for 20 minutes straight

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Marleauskates:Add everything to cart

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Cerave:I love him so much “I do not want to be skinned” cancels PR box filled with lotion.

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BostonRaidersNHL:Great way to start the video, I am sat for *looks at notes* 20 minutes.

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DunkinDonuts:Hey beautiful angel can I kiss you all over👉👈

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IlyasMole:Who was this for?? Is he calling us perverts?

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Rozanovsleftbuttcheek:I’ll be his pervert all he wants 😈😈😈

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Moonbeams_delight: Do you enjoy seeing me rub liquids over my face!!! Does this man want me dead??!??😵

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Makeupbyalisa:Was this PR?? All the brands are different and you can’t even buy them in the same store.

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Puckygolucky: How do you know you can’t buy them in the same store?

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Makeupbyalisa: Uhhh cause I check obviously.

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Cosmopolitan: Drop the towel.. wait who said that?

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numbuzin_global: So honored you know us

Sending you the entire No.3 line... okay, actually EVERYTHING 💜💜

Reply

Skinn1004offixial: It's so exciting to see SKIN1004 in Ilya's routine! The Centella Ampoule soothes and hydrates the skin. We've sent you EVERYTHING, so let us know when you spot more in there

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Svetlana_V: Get off my internet

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Hollanov4life: he’s reading from a laminated sheet. A lot of these are Asian skin care brands… I’m starting a rumor.

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Bostonraiderette: Girl no..go back to tumblr with that.

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Shane Hollanders boyfriend thinks Shane is soooo boring. Everything he does is boring. Oh he knows he’s mostly kidding but Shane wants to prove he’s actually funny. He loves to see the big grin that spreads over Ilyas face when he says something truly hilarious.

He misses Ilya so much and these past few weeks apart have felt like years. He decides a joke, a prank, a light jape if you will is just what is needed. A gag gift something simple just for them. He pulls out his credit card and hits confirm on his order, giggling to himself in 2 short days he will be getting a good FaceTime call.

Ilya has a package from Shane on his counter, the last two were so boring and not sexy at all. With a sigh he tears it open. Shocked he unfolds the gift and throws his head back laughing. Looks like he’s running to the practice facility today.

SPOTTED: Ilya Rozanov Captain and starting center of the Boston Raiders was seen running through Boston turning heads and causing mass panic on the streets today.

(Picture shows Ilya running wearing a cropped top that reads got milk)

Ilya sends the pic to Shane “Thirsty Hollander??”

Shane Hollander is a noticer, during this summer at the cottage he noticed there was a concerning lack of fiber in his boyfriend’s diet. If it weren’t for him not one green thing would have made it into his mouth. He chuckles to himself remembering Ilyas crash out when Shane had pulled out a spaghetti squash on pasta night.

Shane has the perfect solution to keep his boyfriend well fed and healthy a salad subscription box. Full of nutrients and gut healthy food.

Ilya is at home relaxing on a rare day off between games when the doorbell rings. A giant insulated box! He carries it excited for his meat of the month delivery. He opens the box and groans in disappointment, it’s full of pre made salads.

Later he is watching the Metros play Colorado. He’s on the couch, eating his dinner. Shane takes control of the puck and he’s flying down the ice seconds left on the clock. He shoots and game ends with a metros win. Ilya smiles, pulls out his phone and takes a picture holding up his diner. Posts captioned “not in front of my salad 🥗@shanehollander24”#metrossuck

Troy is drunk after being transferred to the centaurs and sends a DM to Shane Hollander

Troy: UR a BaBe🫠

Troy: soooo hot 🥵 🥵 🥵

Troy: if you aren’t with Rozanov can I take you out????

Shane never checks his DMs and Troy has forgotten that he ever sent that as he usually isn’t in his DMs since publicly speaking out against Kent they are kinda hit and miss and he would rather not see them.

————

On a rare night at home in Ottawa Shane and Ilya are in bed scrolling before bed when Ilya turns to Shane

“You haven’t seen any of the memes I’ve sent you” pouting and giving puppy dog eyes

Shane sighs “Fiiinnnnnee” and opens his DMs to see what Ilya sent when he sees one from Troy Barrett.

Pausing he opens it, reads, ears turning read and chucks the phone.

“What is it” Ilya says startled

“Oh my God! Ilya” Shane is so red

“What what is it moy pomidor”

“Troy sent me a DM”

Ilya lunges for the phone getting to it before Shane can even begin to reach for it.

“Oh my God” clutching the phone in his hand Ilya is practically vibrating with glee.

“Should I reply?” Shane asks nervously pushing up his glasses.

“No moy lyubimyy” I’ll take care of it Ilya says handing back the phone a smirk forming on his face.

——-

It’s 12am at night when Harris gets a text from Ilya. Groaning and slightly irritated he opens the text.

Ilya:Troy is in big trouble 🤬 check his Instagram dms.

What the heck?

“Can I see your phone?” Harris asks Troy laying on the sweetness to his voice to cover the panic that is slowly coursing through him.

Troy hands over his phone none too concerned as Harris will sometimes post on his twitter on his behalf for engagement.

Harris opens instagram goes to his DMs and scrolls looking for what might have triggered Ilya..he finds the DM and shrieks.

“What!? What is it!” Troy says bolting up in bed

Harris is now doubled over laughing

“RIP brother it was nice knowing you”

Troy still half asleep and confused

When Harris says the magic words “Roz is going to kill you”

Troy still has no idea what is going on “what why?”

“Seriously? Acting innocent won’t save you” Harris says chuckling to himself.

“Babe, I have no idea what is going on. Swear it on Mr. Neck Neck”

Harris’s passes him his phone back open to the message

The color drains from his face “But I sent this months ago”

He hops out of bed “On no! Roz is going to kill me I need to flee the country get a new identity”

————

Next practice Troy is spotted wearing a giant tshirt that reads

I have to wear this shirt because I dmd the captains husband.

Troy keeps yelling “no one knew they were together when i sent it”

Shane Hollander wears shower shoes religiously. After the cottage he can finally admit that he thinks a lot about the fact that Ilya might not be wearing shower shoes in the team locker rooms.

They go home after the summer and Ilya gets a package from Shane, it’s a pair of shower shoes with a note that says please wear these I’m worried about foot fungus. Ilya laughs and shakes his head he loves his boring over-thinking boyfriend.

The first day back on the ice Ilya gets a text after practice asking if he is wearing the shoes. He takes a picture and sends it confirming that yes he is wearing them.

It becomes habit to take a pic and send it to Shane. Marley starts to notice and asks why he keeps taking pictures of his feet.

Head cannon: