Life Is Rather Curious

And no matter what happens, I’ll always think back to that night in December when you had the window open enough for a breeze to come in. It was snowing outside and the whole world looked white. Hulk took up your entire bedroom wall from the projector you stole from school. You were asleep next to me because you had class the next day. All I could do was feel the winter air on my face without looking away from yours. It was the most peaceful I have ever been. I’ll always treasure that moment, it’s forever in my memory.

I have to stop trying to convince myself that he loves me as much as I love him because it’s becoming apparently clear that it’s not true. He’s all I think about and I get so excited to see him... and he forgets I was even going to come and visit.

You

I don’t really know where we go from here... but I am totally okay with not knowing

You make me smile ear to ear, make my heart skip a beat, and wake up the butterflies in my stomach. I missed you so much.

I’m not even mad just insanely disappointed. And really confused?? Why did I think I could just invent this fairy tale day. I kept thinking this morning how it was the perfect fall day to be in St.Andrews. I did my makeup, fixed up my hair, even wore my favourite shirt all for nothinngggggg. WHY. Now I haven’t even heard from you in hours. It’s like this whole day didn’t even happen and I am just back in bed getting ready for any ole Monday. I’m not even sure where to go from here... just get on with my life I suppose

You were never an obstacle in my way, you were always a beautiful distraction. What scared me was that you were the distraction I wanted, and I loved being distracted by you. I would have never chose to work as hard as I have for a career if I had you, how could I? You were my getaway and my safe place, and when I was in your arms everything else just faded away. Now without you I face those challenges everyday, but it’s turned into such a powerful motivator for me. When we broke up, you didn’t just eliminate yourself as a distraction, you eliminated all distractions because how could I love someone else after losing you the way I did. I couldn’t have you and the career and I pushed and pushed to try and find a way.. which involved me critiquing you and trying to change you. Which I never wanted, I just thought that was the only way. I love you because of how different you are from me, and I couldn’t focus on school if you were that different. I wanted to keep living my double life, but I couldn’t keep one without losing the other, and so I lost you. You always knew I would go far in life, but I knew the same for you. We just had different paths, and if it wasn’t for us breaking up I would have never found this path. Thank you for allowing me to grow, I have always hoped the same for you. Maybe one day I can have both, and you won’t be a distraction, you’ll simply be the person I come home to after a day of doing the career I worked so hard for. I miss you everyday, and I wish I could have both.

I don’t know, maybe we were destined to be together? I just want you so bad

Some days, missing you just physically hurts. The pain moves from my head to my heart to my stomach to just all over hurt. Do you think anyone can teach me how to stop missing you?

Maybe I owe you an apology

You were my first choice, everyday we were together I would choose you over anyone else. I was fiercely loyal to you. And for months, I wasn't your first choice. Maybe a few days I was, but for the most part I was pretty far down the totem pole. And that first day you woke up and didn't choose me first, should have been the day you ended it with me. The polite thing to do would be to end it when I stopped being your number one. Because now, I am convinced I will never be anyone's first choice, and I think it has become a self fulfilled prophecy. I don't really know how I'll ever trust again enough to believe someone if they tell me they'd never choose anyone else but me