I Will Not Bow

Edwin nuzzled his older brother, holding on to him tightly. “I missed you too. I am so happy you came to see me.” he said with a smile, if he was shifted his tail would be working a thousand miles a minute. He ushered his brother into his home, pushing him onto the couch so he could crawl in his lap and lay against him. “Confused? Wanna talk about it? What’s wrong? I mean other than the obvious hm?”

Yep. Definitely cute. He ruffled the other male’s hair before kissing him on the cheek. He allowed himself to be pulled along and was all too happy to hold onto the younger wolf, inhaling the familiar scent. It was hard being away from his brother. “I just don’t know where I belong,” he sighed. “I feel like I’ve wronged everyone and now I’m lost. If I leave McCloud, I’ve taken advantage of Owen, but when I’m around Kingston, I miss him. I miss you, Sebastian, Edison...” If he were shifted, his ears would be flattened and his tail between his legs. “I don’t know where I belong.”

Edwin yawned moving to grab clothing as he rolled out of bed onto the floor hopping up at the knocks on his door. “I’m coming I’m coming.” he called out opening up and giving as bright smile when he saw who it was. “Look what the cat dragged in! Ayl.” Edwin immediately hopped forward onto his brother and hugged him around the neck, nuzzling him affectionately. “Whatcha doing here?”

Even though Edwin was a mess, Aylwin found the other oddly cute -- especially at how excited he got at seeing him. He wrapped his arms around the other’s waist and returned the nuzzling. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could force himself to be away from him. “I just...have missed you,” he grumbled. “Feeling a little confused lately.” Not like it was really just lately. It had been over a year that he’d been confused.

“You don’t know how to be cruel. Not on purpose, anyway.” At the end of the day, focusing on himself wasn’t the same thing as being selfish. He wanted Aylwin in one piece, and all he could do from his position in another pack was to trust that Ayl was prioritizing himself. Kingston didn’t want apologies: they did no good. Kingston’s fingers laced through his ex-mate’s hair, admiring the thick texture before using the grip to tip Ayl’s head backwards, exposing more of his throat. “Come home with me tonight. You smell like me now, the damage is done.”

“I can still acknowledge that my actions have been cruel, even if it wasn’t intentional...” Aylwin had hoped leaving would set his soul at ease, but he’d only gotten more confused. Perhaps that was why he was here, having followed the other’s scent, allowing himself to be pushed and pulled in whatever way the larger wolf wanted. “If I go home with you, I’ll never get rid of your scent,” he replied softly, though he leaned in to kiss the other. “That wasn’t a no though.”

Everywhere they were pressed together felt electric, his body begging him to remember what it felt like to have Aylwin all to himself. He sighed in exasperation, turning around and breaking out of Ayl’s grip just so he could pin him against the trunk of a tree with his body weight. “It’s stupid. Not being with you is stupid, it doesn’t make sense to me. It never will.” He leaned forward to nose along Aylwin’s pulse point, breathing in against the skin of his neck. Perfect, he was always perfect. “No. I’m trying to do the things that used to make me happy. And if they don’t, I’ll find new things. The world didn’t end. It just feels like it did.”

Aylwin might have been a little satisfied with himself as the other finally gave him and pinned him to the tree. The weight of the other made him feel safe. He nuzzled against Kingston’s temple as the other breathed in his scent. “I’m being cruel to you, aren’t I?” Kingston wasn’t the only one Aylwin had been cruel to as of recently. Edison, Sebastian, Edwin, and even Owen -- who had been kind enough to let him into his pack. Aylwin’s indecisiveness was only hurting other people. “I’m sorry.”

1. Willow // Jasmine Thompson

Sat by the water, remembering embers, missing out the lives that they once had before

2. King // Lauren Aquilina

Rid of the monsters inside your head, put all your faults to bed, you can be King again.

3. Her Diamonds // Rob Thomas

And she says, oh, I can't take no more. Her tears like diamonds on the floor

4. Let It Hurt // Rascal Flatts

You're gettin' used to the rocks at the bottom. Your heart goes numb, but the lonely stays the same. And that's the price you're bound to pay, and there's really nothing anyone can say

5. You Are The Moon // The Hush Sound

All the light that you possess is skewed by lakes and seas. The shattered surface, so imperfect, is all that you believe

6. Unconditionally // Katy Perry

A run would normally take his mind off of things, but he knew a run wasn’t the cure this time. If Aylwin’s scent was nearby, it would be all he could think about. “Sure,” he agreed softly at the mention of flowers, knowing that he should offer to go with his ex mate. But he rarely went to that place, preferring to remember his son through photographs, or out in nature. “They’ll trust you. Give it time, flash them the baby blues. Works every time.” With a heavy sigh, he changed back to his human form and started to slip items of clothing back on. Looks like it was back to work without hunting, where he could shut everything out properly and focus on patients. “Don’t call me your ex mate,” he told him, voice soft and tinged with affection. “Even if it takes twenty years. We both know this isn’t permanent.”

Aylwin let out a discontent noise when it became clear the other was about to leave. Shifting into his human form, he came behind the other and wrapped his arms around Kingston’s waist -- pressing his forehead to the larger man’s back. “You want them to trust me, but you also don’t want this ex thing to be permanent. Sounds like you’re as confused as me...” Hopefully no one wandered upon them. 

The teeth baring had just been an instinctual defense mechanism, but something warm bloomed in his chest when Aylwin ignored it entirely, so certain in the knowledge that Kingston would never hurt him. “I know. Me too.” And I want my mate back. After decades with the other wolf, he didn’t know what to do with himself alone. “At least if you ran to the ends of the Earth, all that running might finally be out of your system,” he teased, letting his eyes slip shut so he could pretend this was a moment of utter normalcy from his old life. Ayl was clearly wrestling with it, but in case he stayed in the McCloud pack, Kingston had to know. “Are they good to you?”

Kingston stiffened as Aylwin approached, teeth bared in warning. As soon as he was close all of those defenses fell, face pressed to Aylwin’s as he inhaled into his thick coat. “It was a freak accident. There’s nothing you could have done.” They were words he had said before, but this time he felt them to his bones. “I thought you wanted a fresh start. A new life,” he reminded him, unsure if he was trying to help him or trying to make him run away faster if that’s what he was destined to do anyway. “Just stay here. Please? Different packs I can handle, but if you skip town one day, I’d go out of my mind.”

Kingston still couldn’t bring himself to change. He knew standing next to Aylwin as a wolf would break something vital inside of him, too many visceral memories of running through the woods together, of hunting, of pinning the smaller wolf beneath his frame against the forest floor. He never believed for a second that his ex mate hated him. It just all got too hard, sadness choking them both daily. “The only job I had that mattered was protecting you two. You should hate me a little.” Saying the words out loud left a burning in his throat. He dropped to his knees, and when he glanced up at the sky again it was through the eyes of a large black wolf. “I’m just trying to give you what you want, Ayl.”

Getting up, he approached the other. It was a bad idea, of course, but Aylwin was very much lost. He didn’t know whether he should stay in McCloud, go back to Lowe, leave Red Hawk altogether.... He pressed his nose to the other man’s forehead. “My job was to protect my pup. If you failed, then I failed too,” he reminded him. “I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel very lost. Everyone wants me to go back to Lowe, but my heart is so lost and sad still. I don’t feel like myself.”

On his next inhale the winds changed, and Kingston was hit with a scent that was as familiar to him as his own. He could track that smell for miles, yet he was so focused on finally reaching the forest that he hadn’t even scanned his surroundings. He’d be so easy to kill these days, if he had more enemies. Kingston focused on getting rid of the rest of his clothes, not answering right away. “You didn’t run away from my scent. That’s something,” he hummed, trying to focus on the positive. Instinct might have him run as soon as he had four legs, so he tried his best to hold off. “You should hunt elsewhere. You can’t smell like me right now.” Not unless he wanted his new family to start questioning loyalty.

Aylwin sat himself down. Perhaps he wanted to enjoy the other’s scent just a little longer, while no one else was around. As the other spoke, he stared off into the sky -- letting out a slight sigh. “You act like I hate you,” he responded sadly. “I don’t hate you though.” He couldn’t hate King. He had loved the other wolf for as long as he could remember, and he certainly didn’t blame the other for Nico’s death. Maybe he just saw Nico in the other’s face. “Perhaps it is you who hates me, though I could hardly blame you.” The large omega blamed himself for the accident, knew he’d become cold.