you know what is real

he wouldn't have left.

that's the problem.

if neil ran, andrew would understand.

if neil was hiding, andrew would find him eventually.

if neil was dead, at least there would be an answer.

“When was the first time you fell in love?” 

It was a difficult question.

If Shane had been asked that earlier on in his life, he might have said it was when he was sixteen and eagerly dating his high school girlfriend. He’d been thrilled, sure, but now, looking back he knew that wasn't the truth. 

Not only was he definitely gay, but love was a very weird concept for him, so it was difficult to pinpoint exactly what it meant. 

He loved his parents, he loved Hayden, he loved Rose, but he, of course, wasn't in love with any of them. When he’d dated Rose, he may have thought for a second that he was in love with her. He felt comfortable around her, surely, and she made him laugh. But love? He loved her. He wasn’t in love. 

When he and Ilya started telling people about themselves, others asked when they fell in love. At first, Shane was very sure that it wasn't right away. It seemed impossible–there was too much confusion, too much fear and animosity. Ilya, too, was also sure that it was some time later in the almost decade they spent dancing around their feelings, some time close to when Shane got injured and they ended up at the cottage together.

So when Yuna had asked, "You spent that whole time in love?" the answer seemed obvious. Of course they hadn't! If they had been in love, things might have been easier–or more difficult–but definitely not what they were. They definitely wouldn't have dated other people, avoided the conversations they avoided, and acted how they'd acted. They wouldn't have argued so much, annoyed each other so much, or hurt each other so fucking much. 

If they had been in love, wouldn't they have worked harder for this? Wouldn't things have been simpler? No, it made sense that they weren't in love that whole time/

Until they started planning their wedding. Until he and Ilya sat down with the officiant. The officiant asked them to describe their story and how they got there. They exchanged glances and smiled and laughed because to describe their story in only a few words seemed absolutely impossible. It was like asking someone to describe the feeling of skating, the feeling of gliding along the ice, of the way your chest leapt and your heart soared as soon as you put on skates and the crowd roared. 

It was impossible.

How could they describe everything they'd gone through to get to that moment? But when Shane looked at Ilya and reminisced, thinking about how far they’d come, he realized something: The way he felt now was not truly different from the way he’d felt at age seventeen. At seventeen, it had just been masked by a million other feelings: fear and shame and disgust in himself, terror that everything else would ruin the career he'd longed for for his entire life. But the first time he looked at Ilya, he’d felt the same clench in his heart and wave of safety wash over him that he did now. 

So when he stood at the altar in front of Ilya and looked at him and said, "I fell in love for the first time when I was seventeen," this time he meant it. 

Nicky Hemmick

Which is Troy never spends extravagantly on himself. I’m sure he has super expensive gym equipment or that his sneakers and workout clothes are way overpriced by a ‘normal’ person’s standards, but nothing super extreme.

But his mom’s birthday rolls around? That boy is dropping $5k on a diamond necklace like it’s no big deal.

Harris makes a passing comment about wanting to upgrade his laptop? Troy is up all night researching all the fanciest top-of-the-line models and how soon he can get overnight shipping.

The barista at Starbucks looks like she’s having a bad day? Troy is slipping a $50 into the tip jar without a second thought.

He sees picture of a sad-looking dog that’s up for adoption? Immediately donating thousands to the local animal shelter.

Harris’ mom says she always wanted to visit Greece? Troy is giving her and her husband an all-expense paid trip as a Christmas gift.

Kevin suddenly getting to see Andrew and Neil making out, being vulnerable with each other and consequently also him, and having no idea why he has been granted this privilege.

He just thinks it’s an mix of Andrew being used to keeping him close by as well as his new relationship with Neil. Once Andrew learns how to live without a threat on Kevin’s life, he will leave rooms with Neil in tow or send Kevin away, right?

Except that doesn’t happen. Andrew plays—actually plays in their games—and Neil does not only join him when he rewatches Exy matches, but for his weekly history documentaries as well. Kevin knows he couldn’t care less about historical accuracies, but Neil still entertains him with questions and listens to his rants.

And then it escalates further. Andrew starts using excuses of his old injury to massage Kevin’s hand. Neil presses his thigh and arm against Kevin’s when he leans against him to watch TV. Fingertips touching the small of his back, brushing against his tattoo in a sly remark, or digging in his waist when they’re disagreeing with him.

They kiss closer and closer to his position on the bench, beanbag, bed, until they are right next to him—basically pressing against him as he can listen to the wet noises of their kisses, and the slightest of moans out of Neil’s mouth.

One time, Neil is sitting on top of Andrew as they are making out. He must have been unsteady on top, because his hand grips Kevin’s shoulder. But even after he stabilizes himself, he keeps his hand there, rhythmically squeezing until it’s time for practice.

Another time, Andrew pulls Kevin with them by the hem of his shirt. Once the door to their dorm is closed, he presses him against the door with a hand on his chest, Neil pressed right next to him, and starts making out with Neil.