you know what is real

its a speeding ticket (not uncommon) with a traffic enforcement photo attached and its undeniable that it’s ilya’s (very few orange lamborghinis in the area) so shane is like “wow way to go. another few of those and your license is finally going to get revoked” and ilya is like “no. look closer.”

and shane leans in to look at the photo and tiny, just barely perceptible on the grainy photo, is ilya’s hand with a handful of dark hair in his lap

Shane, post-outing, is insatiable. He is cornering his husband in the equipment closet at the Cens arena, crowding him into the wall, “Jesus fucking Christ your cock in these sweatpants, baby, I need a taste,” sinking to his knees and swallowing Ilya’s dick before he’s even all the way hard (which lasts like half a second lol.)

Ilya and Shane walk into the locker room 10 minutes later, Ilya looking slightly dazed and flushed and Shane’s hair not fully back in place, the slightest smirk on his face.

Shane is drifting awake wrapped around Ilya like an octopus at 2 a.m., face nestled in the hollow of his throat, warm weight like a balm to his nervous system and Shane is so fucking happy and content he can’t help but stim a little bit, shivering and rubbing his face against Ilya’s neck and jaw, stubble sharp but in a good way, and rubbing his legs against Ilya’s like a little cricket and then he’s grinding against him, Ilya blinking awake to an armful of snuggly sleepy Shanya who needs to be full, please, Ilya, needs his cock so bad.

Shane is making a rule that they go home for lunch when they can because the chance to have Ilya alone for 45 minutes in the middle of the days is irresistible. Sometimes it’s stumbling through the door and quick, desperate handjobs on the couch, and once in a while when the team is just reviewing tape that morning, Shane will prep and plug himself, murmuring to Ilya on the way in the door that he “got ready for lunch a little early.” Ilya is painfully hard for four fucking hours, losing his train of thought every time he sees Shane shift the slightest bit in his seat, awkwardly carrying some papers and files in front of crotch to try to disguise what’s happening.

When they get home Ilya rims him until he’s crying and then fucks him through at least one more orgasm, maybe 2 and if they’re a couple minutes late coming back, well, traffic was bad, okay? Yes, Bood, the 1 p.m. on a Wednesday rush hour specifically in the three miles between their house and practice arena, no I’m fine I’m not limping, just tweaked my back at practice yesterday.

The “look at you, now look at me” part compares the stats of Montreal vs. Ottawa. Players making mistakes vs the Cens being in sync. And most notably, pap pics of one of the more blatantly homophobic players attending their divorce hearing vs. Hollanov’s wedding pics and cup celebration kiss.

It takes all of Harris’ willpower not to retweet it (Ilya dgaf).

Hi guys, it's been a long while but I'm BACK, better than ever, and I watched Heated Rivalry :P

Consider: baby Shane who pronounces ‘puck’ as ‘fuck’. Like. Teeny (fat) baby. He’s about 14-15 months and in Yuna’s arms watching a hockey game on TV.

“MAMA FUCK!”

“Yes, sweetie. PUCK.” *glances at her in-laws awkwardly.”

He’s almost two and running around with a baby hockey stick, and a cousin takes it.

“My fuck my fuck my fuck!”

I feel like everyone makes her out to be this perfect angel bathed in golden light who never said one bad thing about anyone and who wouldn’t hurt a fly

But the first thing Ilya said about his mum was that she was funny

Irina Rozanova was a funny gal, she cracked jokes, she was quick witted and let’s not forget she raised Ilya little shit supreme Rozanov

"Is your blanket warm enough? I'll go get another one."

"I will carry plates, go sit."

"Practice is optional for players, Shane, not captain."

And, look, Shane isn't one to lay about. He's up for morning runs, he attends almost every optional practice, he's meticulous about his work out routines. He's a top athlete and so is Ilya, they both work incredibly hard to stay at the top. Still, Shane doesn't have a problem with a lazy afternoon reading in bed, or a free weekend spent at his cottage, or a summer relaxing.

He notices that sometimes Ilya will startle, just a little bit, if Shane walks into the room when he's laying on the couch, scrolling through his phone. If Shane makes even the slightest request, Ilya is jumping to get it done there and then. He's the first one at practice and the last one to leave.

He will take naps with Shane, but he's always up before Shane, working out in the gym, doing their monthly calendar, adding things Shane likes to their shopping list that he wouldn't add, etc.

"Just sit with me," Shane catches Ilya's arm on his latest trip to the kitchen."

"I know, I will," Ilya covers his hand. "I just want to wipe down counters before your parents get here."

"They won't care," Shane scrunches up his face. "They won't even notice. Come sit down."

"Okay," Ilya says, but looks a little torn. "We are suppose to be hosting, not lazing around."

"Ilya," Shane sat up more. "You cleaned the whole house like twice today. I cooked. We aren't lazing around."

"Yes, I know, but..."

"Ilya, you aren't lazy," Shane said directly. He doesn't know exactly why that word seems difficult for Ilya, but he has his suspicions. "And even if you were lazy sometimes, I wouldn't care. I would like it, probably."

Ilya softened. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Shane tugs him and Ilya finally lets himself be pulled into Shane's lap. "Just come be lazy with me."

Shane’s surprisingly quite relaxed. He’s confident in their relationship, excited to be married, and knows that even if something goes wrong, it doesn’t matter, because at the end of the day he’ll be with Ilya.

Ilya is stressed. He keeps crying. This is the best day of his life. Shane deserves better, why would the greatest man on earth want him. He’s never been happier. Something’s gonna go wrong, he knows it. Bood, Troy, and Sveta have to keep calming him down and reminding him that Shane loves him and they deserve to be happy together. He locks himself in the bathroom.

Shane’s getting dressed with Hayden, JJ, and Rose, sipping champagne, feet up as he waits for the ceremony to start.

Once they manage to coax Ilya out of the bathroom, David comes in and does his canon speech about Ilya being his second son. The waterworks start again.