Wellidot

Before I begin, this post might have some triggering topics or themes for some people like family issues, mental pain, and general themes of not feeling like one is enough. If those things are trigger to you, please don’t read this rant. You are enough, you are worthy, you deserve love and happiness and you deserve to feel okay. Skip over this rant, I’ll see you in the next post, you got this.

Today’s topic of discussion: How I learned my dad doesn’t actually care about me and how I’m lower on his priority list than his children, children in law, and grandkids :)

Soooo this post is gonna sound slightly annoying and kinda entitled, so I wanna start by saying that yes, I’m well aware I’ve lived a very privileged and lucky life. I know there’s millions of people around the world who would love to trade places with me in order to have the luck and opportunities I’ve had in life. I’ve lived with that knowledge for many years, and I do my best to help out those I can when I can due to guilt of not deserving the life I was brought into. But, I didn’t get to choose where I went, I didn’t get to choose what struggles I’d have versus what other people are experiencing. I’m still going to do my best to take care of those I can around me when I can to repay the universe in a way for the opportunities and privileges I’ve been granted as an upper middle class white person. That being said, my struggles are still mine alone, and they still affect me. I’m not looking for advice, I’m not looking for judgement. I know I’ll still probably get that stuff, and I know I’ll still get judged that these are my struggles based on how “cushy”(as some would call it) my life has been. I get that, I respect your opinion on that matter, but someone else’s life being worse doesn’t mean my struggles and pain aren’t worthy of being felt and vented. Thanks.

So, my dad is planning a “Christmas in July” thing for my siblings, their partners and their kids and my mom and I. This is meant to be happening on July 24th, cause it’s essentially half way to christmas. He’s been getting gift ideas for everyone and he’s been buying my siblings and their partners and kids whatever they’ve asked for. My sister in law wants a new special craft iron that’s 4 times as expensive as a normal iron? Sure, no problem. My nephew wants a lego spaceship? Absolutely. My brother wants this cool toolset as well as a swing set/treehouse thing for my nieces and nephews? Sure, he’ll even drive down to where they are and stay there for a week to build it for them.

Well, I recently asked for a Microsoft surface, but I offered to go half and half on it with him so I could get it sooner. I’m slightly more impatient when it comes to things like tech that I want, especially since I wanna use it to write on while I’m away from my desktop(which is really the only working pc I have right now). He told me, “I can’t, I’m buying gifts for everyone else right now.” I paraphrased part of it, but yeah that’s pretty much what he said. He didn’t really say, “Are you okay waiting on it until later?”. He didn’t say, “I have to wait until I can afford it”. He just said he couldn’t get that or even send a little bit of money to me to help cover it. I’d be 100% okay in waiting on it. Hell, I’m now waiting on getting it so I can just buy it myself as my paycheck that came in today can’t fully cover it, and I’m like $100 away from paying for it. I’m fine with waiting for it, even if I’m a little impatient. I told him it’s okay if he wants to wait on it, but he said that he couldn’t do it and couldn’t even pitch in a little bit. I will admit, he’s helped with some stuff for my apartment, and I’m super appreciative of that, cause if he hadn’t I wouldn’t have been able to afford some of the really nice stuff in my apartment. I feel like if I wasn’t appreciative I would’ve just begged him to pay for it, but I offered to go 50/50, 60/40, even 90/10 with him, but he says he can’t.

NECROPHILIA IS NOT A SEXUAL ORIENTATION OR FETISH

YOU CANNOT COMPARE THESE TO BEING GAY

THEY ARE PROVEN MENTAL DISORDERS THAT CAN BE HELPED

IF SOMEONE OR SOMETHING IS UNABLE TO GIVE INFORMED CONSENT ABOUT SEXUAL OR ROMANTIC THINGS IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM IT IS NOT OKAY TO PURSUE ANY TYPE OF ROMANTIC OR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP FROM THEM

IF SOMEONE IS UNABLE TO GIVE RATIONALLY INFORMED CONSENT, THEY ARE NOT ABLE TO EXIST IN A ROMANTIC OR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP.

My boyfriend: *stares at me wondering what the fuck I’m doing halfway through a walking cycle not moving anywhere*

Me: *snaps out of it and remembers what I was going to do only to repeat the cycle 10 minutes later without doing the task*

So let’s start this with a trigger warning for things like phobias(specifically nyctophobia or the irrational and extreme fear of the dark), maybe some spookies, and mental issues such as anxiety, depression, and suic!dal thoughts, fantasies, tendencies etc. If you could be triggered by any of those, please ignore this post and continue about your day beautiful human :)

Next warning I’ll add is that this is just a post about my 3 am thoughts(I tend to be the most in touch with my processing of trauma late at night because I’m not focused on all my other tasks for the day), not a post about things I’m gonna do. While I’ve been on the border of a harming relapse due to my brain, my coping mechanisms have been working okay enough to prevent me from harming or anything similar and I don’t plan on attempting or anything, so don’t be worried about that. I sometimes just need to write down my stuff and vibe with it for me to be okay with it.

Final thing before the post: please don’t try to diagnose me. I’m in therapy, I’ve been evaluated a few times, I don’t need anyone who may or may not have studied psychology to diagnose me when they don’t know my full story or my full history. If you have a comment that tells your experience, that’s fine, but diagnosing someone through the internet when you don’t know them and you’re not they’re therapist is inappropriate and I will delete any comments diagnosing me or anyone else commenting.

Into the post :))))

So I’ve been thinking about my fear of the dark tonight. It’s so intense that while I sleep with a pillow covering my head and ears for epilepsy reasons, I NEED light in a room or I freak out. I’ll start getting anxiety induced paranoia, start getting an anxiety attack, all that jazz. I sleep with my TV on but the cable box off most nights and a painting I got for my 15th birthday of the Eiffel Tower(cause I LOVE Paris) decorated with string lights lit up at all times. I know I’m supposed to sleep in the dark, but sleeping in the dark always gave me nightmares as a kid and actually made it harder to sleep.

So, I’ve been thinking about it and while the dark is scary, what I’m actually afraid of are the things that might be in the dark. I’ve had multiple ghosty experiences(my house is haunted), so when I can’t see what’s there my mind goes wild. But tonight I was thinking about it... and while I’m scared of the things in the dark, the darkness gives me a weird sense of comfort. Like it’s familiar to me. I don’t know why, but I guess it goes into the stream of thought that there’s comfort in the sadness depression creates or the panic anxiety creates because it’s familiar... it’s a feeling... and a thought popped into my head tonight while watching tiktoks...

I’m afraid of the darkness but I kind of want to join it. Sometimes I feel like the darkness is “calling” me but I know that’s not how that works. I know that that’s not a thing. But I feel drawn to the darkness because sometimes I just don’t want to exist. Like life is too complicated for me and maybe I just want to be a blob of darkness in the shadows for a bit. Like I want to feel like I’m just alone in a place not existing for a bit.