Where God Finds You

I'm writing again after film my last short this month. Needed a space to talk pretty explicitly about what I've been dealing with this past year. I don't know if I will ever actually make this film. Writing this film has been very helpful.

I've been able to make a character that's not totally a carbon copy of myself and experiences so that's been nice. I also don't care to have any sort of sexual trauma depicted in this film I'm writing.

I care more about capturing the experience and atmosphere of CSA healing when these memories begin to resurface. I found myself driving a lot during dusk and dawn. I couldn't sleep, so I was ether asleep during the day or online at night. Beautiful sunsets and sunrises became pillars in my routine. As well as driving by my past abusers home and work. It's cringe but I felt and still feel this need to be closer to him. To somehow jog my memory, finally have the story of what happened, and have it be so clear I could believe myself. I have been trying to not drive by those places anymore and finally blocked him yesterday online.

Maybe I'll share a draft here sometime soon.

Big man hands, with fingers as thick as sausages curled around my growing bones. How the fat on his side would touch mine when we’d take a photo after a tournament. Me holding a gold medal.

Saying I love him used to remind me of how soft his hands felt on my shoulder. But saying I love him now reminds me of a body convulsing. Trapped in his love. Convulsing for love. My body is convulsing.