(dictating so itās going to be all over the place ) OK, I had finally gotten a match on bumble. Itās a woman named Barbara from the country of Georgia. She actually swiped right on me because the first American man she dated was also a deadhead. And she seems to have liked the whole scene. It really seemed like she was interestedā¦ But, turns out sheās still hung up on this guy. Pretty annoying considering I met her on a freaking dating website and win you get as few matches or responses as I do and you have as much anxiety as I do it makes it even more annoying because now again, Iām not talking to anybody.
iāve been having a lot of anxiety ridden dreams at night. Last night I dreamt that Bridget and I were taking a trip somewhere together. We randomly ran into Spencer flowers. Spencer looked like a teenager, though, because I havenāt actually seen him in 30 years. I donāt think we saw him very long, but shortly after that, Bridget began hanging out with these two random men and at one point, she comes back to me and says something about she doesnāt wanna hang around me anymore and sheās gonna go be friends with these guys instead and then just kind of walks away, leaving me alone in the room wherever we were. I tried to tagalong, but I was stopped at the door being told that I didnāt have an appointment and they did. I have a feeling that the main source of my anxiety about people ditching me really came from when I was in Farham. Specifically, the first year I was there. now, I have always had anxiety that people didnāt like. And thatās probably because a lot of the time they didnāt. I like to believe it was only because of my anxiety which made things awkward and weird sometimes. But, I think it did the most number on my head. (at least itās left me with the greatest impression) the way, my so-called friends at Farm literally never included me with almost anything. no one ever thought to invite me when they left for dinner at the cafĆ©. no one ever knocked at my door to see how I was doing, or just hang out in my room. Sara, of course was the absolute worst with this. I really had a tough time excepting that she really was indifferent to me and itās yet again another example of how my life wouldāve been so much better if I had a drivers license. I was just thinking today as I was driving back from Walmart about how I could possibly have less anxiety if I had gotten a drivers license as a teenager instead of in my early 20s. I was just remembering all of the really awkward situations that I had to put myself in in order to get a ride places specifically with my mother or Sara. And itās really weird that this random woman I havenāt seen in like well over two decades could have such an effect on my anxiety. but it was of course, that time when she said she would give me a ride from her parents house back to Fareham and this is after she had already reneged on driving me to her parents house I end up getting a ride with my buddy Jack, and then taking a train from Richmond to Philadelphia. but she said she would give me a ride back. So on the day before I was supposed to go over. It was a Saturday night. I called her to make sure everything was still going as planned. She told me on the phone in a very nonchalant way. Oh yeah Iām leaving tomorrow morning. This is always bothered me. I guess because it is the most straightforward example of indifference that I had always feared people had toward me. I guess Sara was just the type of person who didnāt know how to NOT make it totally obvious that she just did not care at all. like itās seriously didnāt occur to her to apologize at all.
The other part of my dream was, I was going on like a vacation with my family, including my mother. This is one of the few dreams where my mother appears, but itās not strange that sheās alive. Usually, when she appears in my dreams at night I know that she supposed to be deceased, but for some reason sheās still alive. I theorized thatās because to me sheāll always be in my head. Apparently my sister has the exact same dream. Itās just that mom is somehow just still alive and has just been hiding or just has gone away for a long time but now sheās back and all seems so oddly normal. my sons were there too, but all I remember is that it was in some kind of cabin that was mobile. But it was attached to this lake roller coaster kind of track at some point. The only other thing I really remember is us packing up to go home and my dad who looked a lot younger said he was gonna drive us home but first thing he needed to do was get a six pack of beerā¦ Which alarmed me because, you know, he doesnāt drink. So I said that I would drive instead. The only other thing I remember is gathering up my brothers, my Fatherās and my glass bowls. They all appeared to be unused, but I rushed to put them away, so my mother did not see them.
nat call me the other day and he actually just got out of two months of rehab for alcohol addiction. As a result, heās not coming to the rock lake trip in a couple of weeks. Which Iām totally bummed about. I was looking forward to hanging out with them, he really is a good friend. He was always cool. He was never a dick. Never tried to really make fun of me or put me down anyway. I feel bad that Iāve used to talk trash about him when I was a teenager. That was 30 years ago, but still, I feel bad about it.
ļæ¼ oh yeah, I started talking to Kristan again. She had a kidney infection and it drew me back in. Weāve talked a few times since, but I donāt really feel the need to talk to her as of now. She really fucking hurt me and it still gives me anxiety. Iām still bothered that Carly Jane so coldly said she never wanted to see me again after what I thought was a great date and we had spent like 2-3 weeks chatting daily laughing and getting along great. Oy oh well, what are you gonna do?
