Weirdness

30 May 2013 i sit here with a hundred reasons why i don’t want to be here. i don’t want what we are – i want more. but when you ask me if i love you, i always say yes. but with every fight, every harsh word, every misunderstanding, the cut is deeper. we skip the resolution, the neosporin, never concluding and never healing. instead the band aid, a kiss and silent eye contact, covers the wound. always, always, a scar is left. i am covered in them. but you do not notice.

20 May 2013 philosophy test today Descartes can suck it

15 May 2013 i don’t know how to talk to people. the sentences that come out of my mouth are hardly educated and rarely string together profound ideas. in the presence of my peers, i feel strangely childlike. even when i have something to say, i can’t get my point across in the way that i understand it. i’m not comfortable around most people, and i have trouble making eye contact with anyone sitting next to me. when i am at ease, i can’t hold attention well. i find that even when i’m excited and interested in sharing ideas, i am interrupted or ignored entirely. this intensifying pattern of perceived awkwardness has severely affected my self-confidence – especially lately. i don’t understand why i am so often disregarded; people are stupid, damn it

14 May 2013 Anti-gay protester at school today. His sign said “HOMOSEX IS A GOD DAMNED SIN” lol. Around 40 people with rainbow pins and flags surrounded the man. Two women from a sports team were kissing in front of him—which apparently aggravated his gag reflex wutev. Everyone else was cheering and their teammates high-fived them. Sometimes people can be good

14 May 2013 I can’t be trusted. She lets me know. The other one did, too. Anyway, I think it’s true; I know myself well. The words for truth won’t leave my thoughts. My mouth won’t make them happen I don’t want to do it. She shouldn’t trust me– but she doesn’t

12 May 2013 I don’t want to slip away from myself, but I can feel it. I’m losing sight of what I’ve always wanted, and I’m losing the confidence that has, until now, motivated my success. I know it’s because of her. But what is there to do?