heart beats to remain

I don’t even know why

Or I know why

But I don’t know why this is affecting me so much.

I don’t have a plan

I don’t even really have intent

Just this desire to be dead

It’s like a security blanket: I’ve been suicidal since I was probably 12, maybe younger

I’m not at the point yet where desire transforms into intent transforms into a plan transforms into the will to execute that plan transforms into attempt

There are many steps to suicide

I’m at step 1, and it’s such a familiar feeling that I’m comforted by it

I started this blog to prevent myself from killing myself

So

I am beginning to realize

You resent me for a lot of things

I am beginning to understand

I am fine with your resentment

So long as I don’t have to see it

You’re getting married

I wish you the best

I am giving you up

Because I can’t do this anymore

Where you are allowed to call me to talk about your problems

But you resent me when I call to talk about mine—

And I am not talking about our childhood. You don’t like it when I talk about my problems at work, you don’t like it when I talk about goings on in my life

This sounds dramatic and selfish but

You are not my daughter

I am not your mother

I am your sister

I thought we were equals now because we are adults and I’ve turned a blind eye to the fact that we are not

I am not your parent; you are not my child, and I am not going to do this anymore

I have less and less to give

I am exhausted

I am exhausted

I am exhausted

Having to relive a memory

Just because I brought it up

Is not “I’ve moved on”

It’s not “I’ve already processed it”

It’s not “you keep forcing me to act like your therapist because you keep throwing these memories in my face”

It’s called goddamn avoidance

You told me yourself that you don’t like to dwell on unpleasant things so you just push them aside and don’t think about it

We’ve reached our limit, you and I

I never thought I’d find one with you

But if there’s anything I’ve learned with humans, it’s that every love has limits

You don’t want me to talk about my childhood. I don’t think you know how much damage you’ve done to our relationship by saying that. So I’m giving you a chance to call me and listen. I’ve laid out to you that it will be a conversation you won’t want to have, that it will be difficult, that you will feel attacked, because that is apparently how you feel when I talk about my childhood.

I’ve told you that this is a turning point for me— if you don’t call, I’ll likely withdraw. I’ve put us both in a corner because I probably should have talked to you about this sooner, but I thought I could work through it with my therapist. This weekend I’ve been thinking of suicide. Ideation, not intent. And I tried to think of the cause, and I figured it out.

I feel like you’ve tried to erase me. Erase my experience. I thought you would be the one person in my life I would always love unconditionally, but apparently I have limits.

So you’re going to call me today, or you’re not.

I read a lot of fanfiction. If I were reading books sold at stores, by word count, assuming the average book is 70k-100k I would probably be reading at least four books per week.

I get defensive about reading a lot of fanfiction, because I feel like there are still a lot of not-so-pleasant assumptions associated with it, like it’s lesser than those published by a printing house. Sometimes people ask me what I’ve been reading and I don’t know how to reply.

So I find myself often justifying to myself why fanfiction is a “legitimate” source of reading. And it comes down to this:

1. LGBTQA+ characters. Say what you will about whether the depictions are accurate or just women writing self inserts or something, the fact of the matter is that I can find a lot more quality, interesting, compelling fictional stories about LGBTQA+ characters where the main focus isn’t about homophobia, repression, politics. I am not minimizing these topics. But sometimes you just want to read something where the sexual orientation and gender identity isn’t a big deal and the people are just people.

At the same time, fanfiction is one of the only places where I can read about asexual characters, written by people who are themselves asexual, greysexual, or demisexual. It’s one of the only places where I’ve read stories with trans characters who are trans and it’s part of their identity, but not the sum total of it. I read stories about gender-fluid characters, aromantic characters, and all of the characters are treated with the respect and love they deserve. It’s a fantasy world, to be sure, but what’s wrong with that fantasy?

What’s wrong with having that escape, when in my real life, one of the pro bono cases we have is a direct result of Trump’s trans ban? Or dealing with the “Don’t Say Gay” law that passed in Florida? Or Texas requiring school admin to report children to their parents if think they might be trans?

2. Sexual assault. As someone who has been assaulted twice, I don’t appreciate the way sexual assault and sexual trauma are often used as an easy way to give a character some interesting, dramatic backstory. Fanfiction, you can find stories where the characters have been assaulted and their recovery is dealt with in a way that reflects my own experience.

3. Trigger warnings. I was reading something the other day— an excerpt from a published book. And within the first few pages, there is a depiction of a suicide. It was a goddamn so-called fluffy romance novel and I didn’t expect it. It threw me out of the book, because I wasn’t expecting it, I wasn’t mentally prepared to face it, and I don’t care if you want to call me a snowflake or oversensitive. The suicide was used as a plot device to get the first wife out of the way so the husband could have a Sad Past and Grieving Heart, which would be healed by the plucky romantic heroine.

There are some days where I’m okay with reading that sort of thing. There are other days I am not. Trigger warnings give me the choice to do so. Who knows, maybe more books have trigger warnings now. I haven’t really been interested enough to find out.

4. Everything I’ve said above applies also to mental health, abuse.

5. I think fanfiction still has a pretty big problem with representing characters of color, but it’s getting better, incrementally. And man, there’s some fanfic where they really nail it, seamlessly, without whitewashing and keeping the nuance and multiple dimensions.

Those are the main reasons why I read fanfiction instead of mainstream books. I know fanfic isn’t perfect, but it has a hell of a lot more material that I want to read about, that reflects more of my life and my experiences, than what I’ve been able to find in the shelves of Barnes & Noble. Maybe I’m wrong and things books have become more diverse since then. But that’s another thing:

6. Fanfiction is free. There’s something about that fact, something about knowing that the author isn’t doing it out of wanting to reach an audience but is just putting it out there, whether as word vomit or a labor of love— that gets to me.

17 hour days

as a reward

post-covid commute

Rebalanced my meds

Or more accurate to say I took some emergency meds my doctor and I have on case of situations like this

Dont want to die

Not quite happy

But alive

it is overcast here

I blew all my braincells

resisting urge to post one word entries

tired

should shower

yes I took my meds this weekend

when I woke up

but didnt really wake up

but I did take my meds

which I need more of

and I will go get

because I am a responsible human being who wants to throw up at the crow outside my window

and keep living

whatever that means

that sounds like a cliche

I will be embarrassed when the sun comes up

but the sun is not up

I should shower

the crow has flown away

come back

I haven’t thrown up yet

or I am throwing up

but I’m not finished