The Stormwind Holy Integral Truth

Lakeshire. Serene lake, blue sky, farms and quiet town surrounded by picturesque mountains. And while it has its share of troubles now and then, such as ever-present gnoll threat lurking in the woods, murlocs infesting the shores and, of course, a giant shark that has been the reason nobody goes swimming on the far side of Lake Everstill, dubbed by the locals as “Ol’ Gummers”, for the most part life goes on day after day in relative peace and quiet as it does in many other small towns centered around farming.

It was on one of such days that we had received a call from Magistrate Solomon himself about an urgent matter that must be brought to attention of the rest of the world. The Magistrate sounded so distraught that we could not possibly refuse his plea and sent one of our reporters to investigate just what had befallen the town. Here is what happened, based on witness accounts.

One of the local residents, a simple farmer who chose to remain anonymous in this report, and who we will from here on refer to as Mister X, had a hearty meal of bean soup after a long day of work in a field, and was about to settle in with a bottle of ale to rest on his porch after dinner when he felt rumbling and stirring in his belly like never before. What happened next would bring terror to the entire town and will perhaps serve as a cautionary tale to all others for ages to come.

Apparently following the feeling of discomfort and being bloated, Mister X made haste for the outhouse, but never made it, and much to the amusement of his neighbours suddenly blew his butt trumpet so hard, that it sent the chickens scattering in all directions. One of the witnesses even reported that the cows grazing in the nearby field were startled! But amusement did not last long as another thunderous blast ripped through the air and that was when unthinkable happened.

According to witness accounts - Mister X’s flatulence was so powerful that it literally tore through the barrier between our world and another, which turned out to be some hellish dimension populated by demons and beasts unlike any anyone had ever seen before! Though the tear, or portal, call it what you will, did not remain open for long, it was still enough for an absolutely terrifying demon to make its way through, much to the horror of the onlookers! We could go at length to describe the creature, however not even the best of poets have vocabulary enough to portray the horrific creature, but here is how the people described it.

The demon was, as some say, twenty feet tall, while other witnesses claim it was as big as THIRTY feet! It had skin “the colour of ripe tomater”, as one of the farmers said, with “streaks of bright green, like yer boogers when yer got a bad cold”. Surrounded by a cloud of stench so vile, it allegedly made people’s eyes water and toes curl, some going as far as to say it was enough to even make nearby flowers wilt, the demon let out a roar so powerful, it shook the very ground, instilling absolute terror in all who were unfortunate enough to be present at the scene. Even the platoon of Stormwind Guard stationed in Lakeshire to aid in keeping peace and order, the bravest and finest, were absolutely frozen in fear, unsure what they could do in order to dispatch the demon. One of the witnesses said it “shot fireballs from its eyes and bolts of lightning from its arse!”, though not everyone was ready to support that claim. One thing, however, everyone agreed upon is that the demon was absolutely hell-bent of sowing destruction and chaos.

It was only due to heroic actions of Colonel Troteman who happened to be in Lakeshire, visiting an old friend, that the town was not devastated utterly. Some locals smirk knowingly and say that in truth it was the Jainrose sisters, Alma and Martie, Colonel really came to visit, but we have no facts to support these rumours, just as it is irrelevant to this story what the brave Colonel does with his private life.

Risking his very life, Colonel Troteman began to taunt the demon, calling it names and saying it will “go down faster than its momma after two shots of whiskey”, enraging it to such an extent that the abomination forgone its intentions to destroy all within sight and began chasing after Colonel, who made a dash for the docks and hopped into a boat, rowing madly straight into the part of the lake everyone avoids due to the ever present threat of becoming Ol’ Gummers’ next meal. A plan “so brilliant, it could not be called anything less than a stroke of pure genius”, as Colonel later said himself in an interview with our reporter, worked perfectly.

As the demon waded into the lake, steam rose as the very waters boiled from being in contact with the hellish being, and the terrified townsfolk could only bite their nails, being unable to see what was happening! And here is where the facts seem to part ways, as according to Colonel - the demon managed to seize him, but with utmost bravery the Colonel shot it right between the eyes and watched its lifeless corpse sink beneath the surface of the lake. Other people report they saw the waters become red and green with demonic blood and bile, and spotting the tell-tale triangle of Ol’ Gummers’ fin break the surface as it attacked the demon and tore it to pieces. Yet another group of people say that none of it happened and the whole thing was nothing but a mass hallucination induced by Mister X's prodigious flatulence.

Unfortunately we may never know the truth, but what really matters is that the Town of Lakeshire is once more safe and citizens rejoice. Regardless of some being uncertain - Colonel Troteman received a "Lakeshire Hero" medal. There was even a big celebration with fireworks and much feasting and drinking held, which our reporter was invited to! By: Post-Chili Trauma

Bald, old, ugly man contacted the Guard after losing a hamburger to hamburger thief! A green haired gnome, who no one seems to know the real name of, is rummaging through Stormwind, stealing hamburgers. A member of the Guard who decided to follow her home discovered that she was living with a giant hamburger! There was also a massive pile of hamburgers in a crib. The gnome claimed to be Mrs. Hamburger and said she was stealing the hamburgers back! Those people kept taking her children! Mr. Hamburger had no comments other than "Humbug.” , though Mrs. Hamburger appears to be the only one who actually hears the enormous burger speaking. Mrs. Hamburger claimed Humbug was the name of one of their older children that has been missing for weeks now. Mrs. Hamburger approached the Guard (who wishes to remain anonymous) as they were about to sneak away to report to the HQ on the matter and told them that she would gladly pay on Thursday for a hamburger today.

The guard was alarmed by the situation and left to speak to the Captain. The bald man is wanting to press charges for his stolen hamburger. Mrs. Hamburger is wanting to press charges for kidnapping her child. She also stated that it was wrong of the bald man to allow the hamburger to have cheese, as lactose intolerance runs in their family. She is outraged! She said that "the cheese does not brie-long on the hamburger, it’s un-feta-mable that someone would allow such atrocity!".

Both Mrs. Hamburger and the bald, old, ugly man will appear before the Royal Court on Monday morning to resolve the matter. If you ask me, this is going to be one cheesy Court hearing.

By: Guest collumnist

An unsuspecting Paladin used his hearthstone to travel home for the holidays. Unbeknownst to him, his son had jokingly stolen his hearthstone and replaced it with a replica purchased with a coupon taken from the back of a sketchy paper that was set to the bottom of Vashj'ir. When the man used the stone, he was surprised to find it was only one time use and that he was stuck in the watery depths. A quick bubble spared the man for a short time, however he had to shed his armor in order to be able to float. If it weren't for a naga siren who happened to be swimming by at the time, he tells "The S.H.I.T.", he "would have surely perished."

When questioning the son why he would do such a deed, the boy only shrugged and stated: "He said there were always other fish in the sea. I wanted to help him find more." After further inquiry, we found that the Paladin is a divorcee whose faith was rocked when his wife left him for a touring band.

The Paladin has since taken the naga as a bride and the son fears Lent because of his father's newfound partner. The local church has yet to comment about the unconventional bond.

By: Party Pooper

The end of Winter Veil! When the happy things stop and the mundane start over again but with less feeling and more drab. This is not only expected but it’s planned to work this way. Here at the S.H.I.T. we have uncovered yet again another plot to ruin the lives of all sentient living beings. The ‘drab’ feeling is indeed real as when Greatfather Winter leaves yet for another year he is taking the life from you and everybody else. How ELSE can he be alive for so long and still poses the energy to deliver presents?

Yes, my friends, Greatfather Winter is indeed an all-powerful lich! Or possibly a Dread Lord? The whole eating cookies is a distraction sham. He feeds off our souls! How does he do this fiendish deed? Every year end after the bells have chimed and the new year begins fireworks are launched. The exploded firework lets loose a dust that covers the area with this life-sapping residue. Staying inside does not save you from this danger, as it becomes airborne and with enough time will affect all. Mass quantities of alcohol are also a part of this plot, meant to induce a feeling of Holiday joy and distract us all from the truth of the matter.

While we here at "The S.H.I.T." have no immediate suggestion on how to save yourself from this attack other than staying vigilant and perhaps investing in a gas-mask, we will try and provide a follow up article to you, our valued readers, as soon as we can. By: Belle Leeake

Stormwind citizens are living in fear daily from swarms of Azure Dragons, who appear to be indoctrinating adventurers that do their bidding and add to their ranks through unnatural means regularly. Despite the disruptions there are neat and orderly lines - a stark contrast to the mess left in their wake. Azure flight is noted as being mainly docile, however citizens are concerned about the repeating visits of the dragons to the city as the houses and businesses can't take much more dragon droppings falling on their roofs. Farmers, however, seem elated about cart-loads of magical manure for their crops.

"The S.H.I.T." recommends carrying a parasol for personal protection from a plethora of poop. By: Party Pooper

It was anything but normal day for one of the Guards doing their usual patrol rounds on the road between Goldshire and the border between Elwynn Forest and Redridge Mountains, one of our reporters says after the Guard contacted our office to tell the story, as it was not being taken seriously by the Commanding Officers of their regiment once the proper report had been filed with the appropriate authorities.

During a routine patrol the Guard was distracted by a strange rustling in a nearby set of bushes by the side of the road and decided to investigate. Much to his surprise he was confronted by what appeared to be your typical garden variety of a grass hopper, only it was, according to the Guard, the size of a large dog! The creature reportedly was feasting on a fresh carcass of a cow which most likely wandered away from one of the pastures in the vicinity. Upon being interrupted by the Guard, it let out a loud chittering sound and lunged at the man, though the plate armour proved to be effective in keeping the man safe from the jaws of this unusual carnivorous insect and he was able to escape. Despite the grasshopper having a distinct advantage over a man in full plate armour when it came to ground speed - it did not pursue him for long and seemed content with returning to its meal after the Guard was a hundred yards or so away.

It is unclear at this time if the gigantic insect attacked the cow on its own or simply chanced upon the remains after it was mauled by a pack of wolves or perhaps a bear, both of which are in abundance in Elwynn Forest.

Just as well we have no insight, unfortunately, whether this creature was a freakish occurrence of Nature, a mutation, if you will, or if there is perhaps something more sinister behind its size and voracious appetite for flesh, but we will try and look into it in hopes of finding out more, because while giant insects and arachnids are not unheard of and even quite common in some parts of Azeroth and Outland, an overgrown flesh-eating grasshopper is a new one. By: Post-Chili Trauma

My dear readers, i wish to share a story with you. A story of sadness and bitter disappointment.

As i sat there in quiet contemplation, trying to take my mind off my inability to lighten my mood by shedding a pound or two and reading all the local newspapers i brought with me into my temple of proud solitude, it dawned on me that none of the so-called news are able to interest me. For the better part of an hour (indeed, i was even late coming to work that day because this was taking so long!) i struggled and gritted my teeth, and not only due to the meal that refused to be purged from my system, but also at the fact that news today are ... lackluster. Where are the days of sensational stories? Where are the articles that are talked about for days? It is as if in our entire glorious city of Stormwind there is nothing but repetitive prints that all seem to blur together day after day. Another mile long list of arrest warrants. Another robbery. Random story about exploration by some group or other, and that is if we are lucky.

I longed for stories i could remember and talk about with my friends. Stories that would inspire an intelligent conversation. Stories that other newspapers are either afraid to print or deem inappropriate. But do those stories not deserve to be heard? Has it not been far too long that the press hid from our eyes the REAL news worthy of a print?

And so from sadness - a splash of inspiration suddenly graced the quietude, as a rose might spring forth from a pile of cow dung!

It is with that in mind, my dear readers, i have decided to set out on my journey to bring such stories to your attention. It is why you now hold this first issue of our newspaper in hand, and i sincerely hope that if you are reading this while riding your porcelain throne, or wooden, as it may be for those living in a place without plumbing, you are more at ease than i was few days ago. We shall go out and dig through the darkest corners, the most remote of places and speak to those who wish to be heard but are refused by today’s big names in the public media. We shall find the freshest steaming piles of news and bring them right to your doorstep.

It is our solemn pledge to you, dear readers, from this day forth to bring you nothing but the true, REAL news-worthy stories! Every 'Who the shit?!' and 'What the shit?!'. Why, you may ask? Because we are "The S.H.I.T."!

The S.H.I.T. staff

Recently reports have started pouring in from Westfall of a new malady affecting the local farmers, particularly those who own orchards in the area. Vague at first, and not taken seriously but rather dismissed as some form of a local superstition or perhaps just another old wives tale, lately reports are increasing in numbers at an alarming rate. Intrigued by this new phenomenon, we have sent out one of our reporters to try and dig a bit deeper into these rumours.

Westfall is not known to be in the best of shapes from agricultural perspective in the past few years, that much is true, however with new financial grants offered by the City of Stormwind to aid farmers in all the areas considered to be part of the Kingdom of Stormwind, many of those who are a vital link in the economy chain and are an integral part in supporting City of Stormwind with provisions are beginning to thrive once more. It is in the midst of this new hope we now see yet another potentially disastrous situation beginning to develop.

As our reporter was able to find out - there is more to the story than simple rumours told around a campfire, as they were able to witness with their own eyes the damages done to orchards. Seemingly healthy trees simply die overnight, becoming completely dry, leaves fallen off and bark peeled back near the base, where one could clearly see two distinct puncture marks. Upon further investigation it became clear the damages were done to several orchards in the area, with some having as many as a dozen trees now only suitable for firewood. The very livelihood of these simple, honest, hardworking folk is at risk, and while certainly a cause for alarm of its own - the bad does not end there.

The children are also at risk, as the now-dead trees are unable to withstand the weight of a child on a swing, which had resulted in several bumps, bruises and scrapes. One local woman reported a decrease in the woodpecker population as the birds can no longer find grubs and are forced to migrate to areas where the trees are alive. The issue went as far as the town drunk whose sole joy in life was to consume excessive amounts of moonshine, in Westfall known as “Good ol’ stump water” and shoot at woodpeckers for sport having no choice but to relocate and is now living in a tent on the border of Westfall and Elwynn Forest.

Our reporter was even able to speak with one of the farmers in person, and although for censorship reasons we are unable to print a single word of what he said, we will try and rephrase it in a form suitable for media:

“Oh, seen the bleeping bleep for myself! Came out to take a bleeping whizz at night, and heard these bleeping slurping noises, you see! Thought maybe the bleeping neighbour’s dim-wit kid snuck into my bleeping barn and was sucking the bleeping milk straight out of my bleeping cow’s teat again, you see. Who could have known that what i would bleeping see was this bleeping dark shadowy bleeper with his lips schlapping on one of my apple trees! Sucked it dry before my very bleeping eyes, he did!”

And so it is abundantly clear that the issue is quite serious indeed, and should this continue - Westfall will suffer once more and Stormwind will in turn suffer as well, as the imports of grain and fruit will be severely hindered. Where, i ask, is the all-seeing eye of Stormwind authority turned to when it should be watching over these poor folk? We shall continue to follow the story as it develops and can only hope it will have a happy ending.

By: Post-Chili Trauma

Fruit Cake. No, I wasn’t insulting you! More like stating the start of this incredible story! Every year at this time of Winter Veil, gifts and pleasantries are exchanged all over Azeroth. Even the icky Horde do this, and for some reason Greatfather Winter even gives them gifts. What he should do is give them just Fruit Cake, and we here at “The S.H.I.T.” have finally uncovered the horrible truth as to why they deserve such a gift. Have you ever noticed that every year you seem to get the same Fruit Cake? It literally is! As mentioned, we have uncovered the truth in how these reviving gifts are created. One of those seasonal jobs often pays beggar children and mechagnomes to scour the sewers in search of ‘post processed fruit cake’, gathering these cursed items to pass along back to the Fruitcake Factory. Once there, they are re-baked into new Fruit Cakes. So when you are offered fruit cake yet again, do what we do here at “The S.H.I.T.” and pass it along back! By: Belle Leeake

It would appear that at one of Stormwind City schools a clever student took the spelling bee to a whole new level. Last Friday as the sun shone brightly upon our beloved city and students made their way to face a new day of learning, they noticed something strange on the public board hanging in the hall. Namely - letters “C” and “L” missing from the collective photo of “CLASS OF HONORS”.

Though it is unclear which of the students is responsible for this prank, all teachers are assured the prankster will eventually be found out and put in detention “until graduation”.

By: Post-Chili Trauma

A Stormwindian florist finds herself pushing up daisies after finding a vast trove of gold beneath their land. They overturned the soil in an expansion for future growth with the intent of building a greenhouse. It was entirely unexpected, our reporter advises, that the crop they found was nothing less than a trove of loose gold coins. After digging further and deeper, she counted a mass of one-thousand gold coins and a myriad of silver and copper.

The florist reported the findings to the local Guard on duty for advice on what to do with the trove and did put in a report of the funds in the event the owner would come to light, however with no reports of any funds of that caliber being lost, she was given clearance to keep the monies. Witnesses state that an Orc was seen lurking near her home in the outskirts. Given the lackadaisical hold on laws keeping the Horde within their own walls, it wasn't uncommon to see members of the Horde wandering around, however it came as a surprise when she was nowhere to be seen for what appeared to be weeks.

The Orc had apparently buried her in her own garden and sprinkled seed and feed over the mound to mask the burial. Unsurprisingly, as they are tend to wont to do, the Orc foolishly stayed in the home and was found butt-naked covered in chips and various other crumbs after partaking in the home's stores of alcoholic beverages. The Orc was taken into custody and is now serving a life term for murder in the first degree after pleading not guilty.

P.S. Beautiful home on 4 acres in Stormwind Outskirts now up for sale. Reach out to your local Realtor today!

By: Party Pooper