UNION

Hello again people! It's been a while - sorry about that. But as Ayesha said, Union is top priority once more! So without further ado, let me catch you up with everything that's happened to us whilst we've been gone:

Ayesha - She tried her hand at the bar exam and unfortunately it didn't exactly go her way. However, she's now re-evaluated and is working harder behind the scenes than ever! Word on the street is that she's secured union a very exciting deal due to go through in the immediate future... where would we be without her?

Me! - Well I spent the summer going round every festival I could. I wrote down notes - so many notes - but at the very last festival it rained like it's never rained before and my notepad washed away in the flood, so unfortunately I can't go into too much detail about them. All you need to know is, as always, the second stage was better than the main stage.

Cole - Ever since he overslept on the day of The Clovies we've been quite reluctant to let Cole write anything. We've sent him to some dingy pub gigs, but he said he couldn't really focus on the music given the rats and all. However, now that we're looking to ramp up production here, it might be time to hire him properly.

Łukasz - As covered in our eulogy, Łukasz is no longer with us. So hopefully why he hasn't written anything in a while should be quite obvious.

Iona - Our amazing feature writer took the Summer to work on a personal project - her very own EP! Iona being her humble self, I've really had to twist her arm to be allowed to plug it here - apparently it needs to find its own "authentic audience." I gently reminded her that plugging it here really won't make a difference either way.

Theo - Theo insisted on writing this section himself, and seeing as Union is getting back into full swing we figured we should let him get everything out now: As Union's foremost JournalMaster™, I spent the whole Summer job hunting. I thought perhaps my enormous talents would be better put to use anywhere else, but nothing panned out. Nevermind, I can get away with a lot more here than I would anywhere else - Ayesha says I'm allowed to review my own band at the next battle of the bands!

Hello all.

It is with a heavy heart that I write that the beloved Łukasz Szczerba appears missing. On a trip to Manchester earlier this year, he encountered some of the locals.

Łukasz was a dear friend to those who knew him, or so we've heard. See, he never spent much time round us - always off travelling to exotic places: Hull, Exeter, I heard he even once visited Slough. But in the end, it was these travels that were his undoing. He was a valuable member of our team, and will be missed dearly.

Our thoughts and prayers are with his family in these trying times.

So.

I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t written much for Union in quite a while. Union as a whole haven’t written much in quite a while, but I have to take some responsibility, being the editor and co-founder and all.

I can’t become a lawyer. And that hurts as much as a mild heartbreak, but if I’m being honest? I prefer this to a real heartbreak.

There are things more important than professional success - love, for example. I love music. And I love writing, and I love writing about music. Most of all, I love the people who write about music with me.

(yeah, even Cole. We might actually have to employ you full-time soon. The horror.)

I suppose this has really been a long time coming, but Union is now my number one priority. So, without further ado…

We are Union, and we always will be.

Ever since 2022, the village of Clovelly, Devon has been home to possibly the most exciting music awards in the world. Talent from all around the village is celebrated, showered in praise, and adorned with trophies - and one lucky artist will walk away with the top prize of Supreme Musician. Who will it be this year? First let's have a rundown of previous winners:

2022 - Jessica Rous

2023 - Jemima Rous

2024 - Jenny Rous

It is perhaps worth noting that the competition, and indeed the whole town, is run by John Rous - though he insists he has no conflicts of interest. Not that we doubt that or anything, but we here at Union are especially excited for this year, as Mr Rous only has three daughters.

Contenders are to arrive by sledge at the town hall for 11am, and the results will then be announced via lighthouse throughout the day.

Now for some very exciting news: not only will we have a reporter at the scene, but we have been given exclusive access to the event. That's right - only Union will have a man on the ground! You best believe that you will be getting extensive live coverage of the event, even if only Cole could make the day. Ayesha is still confident this could be our big break - mark your calendars people!

A group of scientists have formed a band to make music you can taste. Yes, all you have to do is to attend one of String Cheese's gigs and they will quite literally blast flavour into your taste buds. What does it taste like? Well, our brilliant Cole Castillo managed to catch them in London earlier and describes it as 'overwhelmingly awful' whilst vomiting into Ayesha's backpack.

How do they do it? Well, you may well ask. They are being extremely secretive about their methods though their are a variety of theories. The nerds among us said something about resonating frequencies and flavour profiles, but that's no fun! Some believe that they fill their amps with leftovers, but here is a simpler suggestion: they just stink. Why do you think they always wear hazmat suits in public? They're rebranding their stench! And you're all falling for it! You have to respect the balls on these guys (though don't go anywhere near them...).

Personally, I will not be attending any of their concerts - I don't like wrap music anyways.

The authorities have sectioned off a music venue in downtown LA after stoner rock band Psychodelics entered a cannabis-induced trance two weeks ago.

'They were playing a show,' a witness tells us, '...and they still are.'

The government is currently looking at a variety of strategies: Putting them in a big box for a decade then opening it up to see if they're done yet; trying to test the limits of their apparent immortality (starting by sending them to space tardigrade-style); investigating their potential as an infinite energy source and even making them a permanent exhibit in the city's art museum.

We here at Union have actually made an offer to buy the venue they're playing at, in the hopes that the group would be included with our purchase. Unfortunately we could only scrape together an unexploded WWII bomb (best not to ask), two halves of a button and a wing mirror Cole found on his way to work, so we don't think we'll be successful. We will be sure to keep you updated though!

Shocking scenes last night in London engulfing one hit wonder The Flames as fans realised they actually have multiple songs after they didn't play Fireflies. This news comes as a shock to all, and we at Union want you to know that we're here for you in these strange and confusing times.

Fans were initially confused when they started the set, with one saying 'I didn't even know they had any others... let alone twenty!' When the band left, having not played Fireflies fans stormed the stage, with a fatality and multiple injuries happening during the chaos. One group of fans attempted to team up and play the song themselves, but the band actively came back out to stop them, allegedly screaming 'NO NO NO NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND - THAT FUCKING ****** *** ****** ****** SONG - ARGGHHHH'

When the band were later asked for a statement, all they said was 'Thank God we weren't in America.' Stayed tuned: after this twist, who knows which other artists may have previously unheard of music?

Famous Youtuber and Professional Dickhead TuckerSparklez (real name Desmond Mulch) has announced his long un-awaited jump into the music industry. After picking up a guitar for seemingly the first time, he has mashed together a 6 song EP called Struggles With Fame.

The track list is as follows:

Man I love cheesy fries...........................2:27

My Dog Richie..........................................3:01

Four Chord Banger..................................2:30

It was just a slur........................................3:16

23rd Birthday!..........................................2:23

So now what?..........................................4:13

His 57 youngest fans absolutely loved this, and made that very clear online - hurling insults at anyone who even offered constructive criticism. And what do we at Union think? Well, I thought it was awful, so chucked it in the bin to spare my colleagues of that tripe. He autotunes his voice to infinity and beyond, and he didn't even bother to credit his bandmates!

One of them reached out to us and offered Union a statement 'That selfish moron didn't even put my name in the special thanks bit! Even his dog got a mention!!' How could someone not include my name??' And we thank him for putting himself on the frontlines against the rabid fans.

The cover art is about as generic as it gets too, take a look:

But hey, generic beats the trash that is the rest of the album.

Queen at Live Aid, The Beatles on "The Ed Sullivan Show", Beethoven Premiering the Ninth Symphony: all key moments in music history (Source: Watchmojo), but now they've all got to move aside. Something incredible, wonderful, scrumdiddlyumptious, historic just happened. The OFFICIAL, HAND-CRAFTED, BEAUTIFUL Union Website has just launched!

I'll just give you a moment to process that.

If you, just like everyone else, are desperate to check it out, here it is: https://appleamoeba.wixsite.com/union! Isn't it perfect? It's an incredible artwork, a flash of energy in the music journalism scene, so stop dillydallying and get on over there! A huge thanks to our editor Ayesha Querida for putting it all together, we here at Union don't know where we'd be without her.

The UK Government has unveiled it's new plan to boost the economy: reanimating the corpses of the indescribably influential sixties rock band The Beatles. When pressed about how exactly they would do it the Prime Minister said "With a little help from my friends."

The news has been met with mixed reception. Negative critics include the two surviving members of the band, who have gone into metal breakdown now that they are potentially faced with non-consensual immortality. Some are more positive however, such as Mark David Chapman, who murdered John Lennon in 1980 and claims he is "ready for round two."

Economists say that the move will boost tourism to the UK - but many still wonder: at what cost?

Last night I drew the short straw and had to drag myself over to The High Hat bar to review the 'up and coming' band Satan's Angels - or whatever it was called. They aren’t pretentious in a facetious, flippant, charming way, they’re just pretentious. These misfits try so hard it's almost funny. Only almost, mind you, because if they were actually funny I might've had a good time, which I most certainly did not. Actually, I tell a lie, they did have a wonderful section of drinks at the bar - that I enjoyed.

The lead singer, Michael something-or-other, has a voice like a feral animal. Hard to take the pseudo-philosophical nonsense they pass off as lyrics seriously when they sound like a possessed baby with tuberculosis. Someone needs to tell the guys in 2014 that we found out what the fox says. And there was no stage charisma either - he merely stood there. At least I think that's what happened. There’s always the chance I was too drunk or bored to notice otherwise.

Fortunately, the band has a singular saving grace… although she can’t save them completely, seeing as I’ve forgotten her name. And honestly she looked a lot better than she sounded, a real treat for the eyes, but not so much for the ears. I've seen my fair share, been around the block and whatnot, but this girl was genuinely something else. Maybe I should try and find her one day, but god knows if I'll ever actually be bothered. She was crazy hot though, the hair, the eyes, the...

I'm now being told to say that the rest of the band was there too. But I wouldn't worry about them if I were you. They're rubbish.

Guys you cannot go outside right now if you live in Manchester it is extremlerty dangerous!!!!

I'm quickly typing this up but I cant stay long theyre almost here i can hear them getting closer and closer i dont know what to do. All i did was say i didnt think her most recent album was as good as the others thats all i did! I didnt mean for this to happen im sorry im sorry. shes got some really good songs some really good ones please dont let them hurt me please

oh god i see one now. i dont have long tell my mother i am sorry and i looojveiohgerrr

After months of intense debate and violence, Texas has formally declared sovereignty. This first started when country music star Austin Maverick was shot dead after an altercation with a punk rocker. His country music compatriots immediately responded in the most sensible way - they all moved to Texas and transformed it into an impenetrable fortress.

The US government, hearing the pleas from many innocent Texans within, attempted to breach the defences with no success. Those trapped unwillingly inside are still unaccounted for as of the latest development: Texas joins the ranks of Sweden and Zambia. It is now a country. The US government has issued an official statement:

"Don't do this! Let us in! Pretty please?"

What will life in this new Texas be like? It's hard to say. It appears the government is formed of a council of country music superstars, picked based on the coolness of their hats. They have made some sweeping changes, abandoning the US Dollar in favour of guitar tuning pegs and sheriff badges as the legal tender, and making horses the only legal form of transportation.

We will endeavour to keep you updated as news rolls in. This has been Union.

Eccentric craftswoman Francesca Rossi was found dead in her home in Walthamstow last Saturday. The Rossi Estate have issued a public statement claiming she passed peacefully in her sleep. However, leaks have revealed that the whole story was not initially told to the public.

A trusted source within the estate, who goes by Corissa Frances, has given us exclusive access to a message that was found on her bedside table:

‘Do not try to find me.’

Further strange details have been revealed - her infamously odd diet seems to have got the best of her as her body was found to have somehow turned to rubber and been stuffed with cotton.

Perhaps the most interesting revelation is the single file found on her computer; a beautiful MS Paint image detailing a potential new instrument she appears to have been working on right before she died. We are fortunate enough to have been given a copy of the image, so take a look.

Genius, isn't it! The artistic vision that Rossi always had just seeps through, it's simply unbelievable. If only someone could actually make the thing, but alas, it seems only Francesca herself would be capable of doing so.

Bite the Sun - stylised BITE THE SUN - are an influential duo of ex-astronauts who, after retiring in 2016 after a 187 day stint on the International Space Station, formed a rock band in order to talk about their lives, travels and the little dehydrated sausages they ate in space. With hits like "Cheese Moon" and "Extra-Super-Duper Massive Black Hole" under their belt, everyone was waiting to see what they had in store next.

The wait finally came to an end last week when they announced their out of this world next project: concerts... wait for it... IN SPACE! WHAT? HOW? WHY? Don't worry, dear reader, that was our initial reaction as well, it is perfectly natural to be freaked out when you first find out about the concert IN FREAKING SPAAAAACE, and we're here to answer any questions you have about it.

The what:

Well it's a series of concerts IN ACTUAL SPACE LIKE WHAAAA, what more need I say?

The how:

It's a joint project between the band and their ex-employers NASA, and takes place entirely in the field and stage they stole from Glastonbury and stuck to the International Space Station. To get there, fans will have to use NASA's new experimental rockets - those weird things look strangely like bottles of cola? I'm sure they're perfectly safe! And as a bonus I bet there'll be good snacks on the trip, I heard NASA recently brought the company who make mentos!

The why:

So I presume you all know that the hamsters inside the Earth that run around to make it spin are threatening strike action, right? Well, Bite The Sun set the concert up in solidarity with them! This is a fundraiser to help raise their wages to make the world go round.

There you have it, everything you need to know about Bite The Sun's new project. Unfortunately, none of our reporters were able to attend the first CONCERT IN SPAAAAACE AHHHHHHH yesterday, but we do have this exclusive photograph of what it looked like on the ground!