again & again.

the second, and larger, thing to dawn on her: it had not always been just she and sloane. no, there had once been rén jié. and he loved them. he loved them as if they had set the stars in the sky themselves. in the warmth of heliophra, she could feel his embrace around her. if she closed her eyes, she swore she could smell the cloves and sandalwood that had always clung to his person. all around her, there he was. i am here. i am here, yue. but then she would open her eyes and she would wake all on her own. he was not here and had not been since that night two years ago when the darkness had taken him swiftly and suddenly. the last time she was in heliophra, they had woken early to watch the sun set over the horizon. they loved to look upon the clear night sky afterwards. he would name each star and the constellations they made up before pointing to the moon. he would say, and that one is you, my little moon. you are bigger than all the stars in this sky. you will be the one to guide us when we are lost. you will always be there. and so will i.

and yet when she was here, he was nowhere to be seen. it shouldn't have surprised rhyaenna that he lied to her. he was a man, after all.

that entire time she was lost in thought, she held tightly onto the ring she wore around her neck, held in place by a thin silver chain. it did not belong to lady rhyaenna, but it could have just as well with how she hadn't removed it since she had 'borrowed' it from its original owner. when her fingers traced the familiar engraving, what remained of her heart settled, no longer a hummingbird flapping its wings, but a calming sea that ebbed and flowed and crashed against the heliophran sand. there was no threat to bare her teeth towards. she could simply be. even as the owner in question stepped before her and revealed to her the ribbon she thought she had lost, she did not snap. she did not pounce. she simply let her eyes roam over the man who had broken her heart appear before her like a vision she could only conjure in her mind.

she reached for the offering and did not flinch when she felt her fingers skim against his own. his palms were smooth, warm. strong, too. she remembered how they had once worshipped her body like a temple, but cai had alluded to those days being long behind them. and now he had admitted to taking a piece of her to keep just for himself. she didn't know what it meant. was he finally coming to pray before her altar? rhyaenna should have smiled, for she was victorious in the end. she had wanted him to care once. she wanted proof that he had been as affected by her as she was him, but now that it finally stood before her, it felt hollow. this all did. "that is where you and i differ. you see it as constricting of my agency," she said as she met his gaze only for a moment before settling it back onto the horizon. "i see it as finally setting me free." rhyaenna did not elaborate. she took the ribbon into her hand and thought of how cai had kept it all this time. for the briefest moment, she had wondered, hoped even, that he was the reason for its disappearance, but she hadn't thought of what she would do if it had been true.

"is that all?" she asked plainly. with her free hand, she rested it over her chest. underneath her palm she felt the indent of the ring. she couldn't think of what she did next, lest she lose her nerve. with one sharp tug, rhyaenna broke the chain. a hummingbird fluttered its wings against her ribcage. "are you here for this?" she asked as she held the chain high enough for him to see his signet ring, the very one she had taken in her library what seemed like a lifetime ago now. she wanted to close her fist around it. she wanted to hold onto it tightly so he could not pry it out of her grasp. she wanted to wear it always so that a part of him would stay near her heart, but she did not taunt him by keeping it out of reach. instead, she held it out to him like an offering. like an ending.

take it, and leave. leave as he did.

Evandris never quite enjoyed this farce.

He had been known for a small personal jest, of jovially greeting the crownwearer as cousin. Once as a child he tried to curry their favor with dulcet singing and his cherubic charms, of wanting them to be just as much of his family as the rest of House Elarion. Now as an adult, he just endured their presence until they met an untimely death and the whole process happened again. Until a new ‘cousin’ was crowned and paraded upon that gilded throne, and then met a gruesome demise. And then the process would commence again. Cousin after cousin after cousin. What a wearisome cycle, one that felt ridiculous. For months now Moira had sat empty, and they were the sole stewards. The ruling family in their coveted castle, wielding a power that was not solely their’s. Even if the council, which House Elarion held a seat upon, pulled at the strings attached to the new unfortunate soul to find such a burden upon their head as the mantle of crownwearer, it did not change the fact that House Elarion’s keep belonged to another.

If he had given himself the proper time to think and reflect upon his melancholy, maybe he would have understood that the wanderlust that lead him to the warm hearth of taverns and inns across the land was a result of trying to seek some home for himself somewhere beyond Moira and the politics of court. But Evandris Elarion was never one for self reflection. If he saw himself beyond that shallow glimpse of his visage upon a mirror, then he would likely go crazy at his own insecurities being brought to light. Or how dreadfully unhappy his courtly life made him. Instead he could pretend that he found an endless peace and happiness at the bottom of a pint or between the sheets of another’s bed.

It was on such a thought that he had been at that particular inn, instead of in the chambers assigned to House Elarion, seeking a corner of this world to have just for himself for one splendid night. Before decisions were made, before the sodding parade continued. With his lute in hand, and the loveliest tenor heard throughout the hollows, he had corralled a drunken group in a winsome song, until their words were too slurred and they turned from melodies to poetry and inevitably to jests that would not suit the crowd he was normally rubbing elbows with. His mother would blanch at the foul innuendos escaping his lips then, which only spurned him on in amusement. And he had convinced himself, in a buzzed stupor, that this was happiness. Right then, he was at his most happy.

Their merriment was interrupted by another boisterous voice, a round of drinks falling into the hands of a lordly fellow. Cheers erupted across the ale room, as any drunkard would delight at not having to spare a coin for their next drink. Evandris had been sober enough to not just catch the brief toast, but the meaning behind the words. That ever changing visage of crownwearer. He’d known it quite well. A small sound, half amused and half dejected, fell from him, but it was drowned out in another drunk melody as his crew came full circle to singing again. He did not accompany their warbles, slinking away from the group to get a fresh drink from the burly velkynar manning the bar.

When his eyes had caught Lord Almara, it was with a bow of recognition that he greeted the other, awaiting a frothy mug to be set before him. “ I’m here making friends, ” he said, a nod of his head back towards the drunk singers. The lyrics were unrecognizable, a jumbled mess of syllables and sounds. “ I do not think their future lies in being minstrels but entertainment they do provide. And what brings you here, sir? Your speech leaves little by ways of ‘celebration’. Unless you are truly so morbid. ” A flash of understanding flashed through cornflower eyes as he accepted a drink and took a hearty sip.

but lorencio had not extended the ire towards his children; at least he hadn't yet. they seemed to fall in line with their father, but the elder almara knew it was to be expected within families such as theirs. they were never allowed to form an opinion outside of what was positioned for them, but he had heard of the rebellious streak of the eldest elarion. taking his lute and singing all around different hollows, bedding anything with a pulse; it was not suitable for someone of his reputation.

try as the young boy did, he would never be able to outrun his name. it was his burden to bear. so he could act the part of bard with no worries in the world, but once the council had found a new ass to warm the seat in morkhul, evandris would have to come home and fall in line. it was almost enough for lorencio to pity him. almost. "did i offend, lord elarion?" he asked as he turned to face him. "you, of everyone, must be overjoyed that the end is in sight." lorencio added, "soon, your home will no longer be yours but that of the crownwearer's once more." he smiled, but it was not kind. mocking, more like.

"what affection you elarions have for the seat. your father must be so proud."

while the lady caldrithen had looked poised and collected on the outside, internally she was a wreck. it had been nothing but silence between she and her daughter since their confrontation in the gardens, and she suspected the silence would only grow. sloane could not own up to her mistakes regarding rhyaenna, nor would she accept anything less then an apology from how the girl acted while they were hosting the nobility of nocturnia.

and so, silence. separate carriage rides to heliophra. as well as separate sleeping arrangements. all of that paired with her daughters almost childish decision to put herself in the running for crownwearer - a decision sloane was convinced was made out of spite - had the woman unable to sleep.

she would blame it on a new environment, but as she walked the familiar halls of elaris keep, sloane knew it was something deeper. before she could name it, she came upon a man she knew too well. one she kept at arms length when in public. but now they were alone. she would not be so childish to assume no one was watching, not after how she instructed her own staff. his statement had her frowning. partially due to his mouthful, but also at the reminder of her child. feeling another wave of frustration run through her, she snatched the unbitten roll out of his hand and tore into it. "interesting how you can look upon that opportunity and recognize it for what it is, a death sentence, and yet she claims to be old enough to make her own decisions, and yet cannot do the same."

"the council has yet to say how they will choose. for all we know, there is a way to get her dropped from the race." after all, public opinion would likely sway the council's favor. if rhyaenna was unfit to be crownwearer, then they would have to disqualify her. all it would mean was sloane betraying her own daughter, but if she wished for someone else to pierce the knife to rhyaenna's back, then lorencio knew any number of people who could do so with only a subtle reminder of what he held over them. "what can i do?" loren asked as he stepped closer to sloane. it was far closer than she would ever allow under the public eye, but no one was in sight. he set the roll he forgot he had been holding on the table and took his free hands to rest at her waist.

her question made him chuckle as he murmured, "you haven't forgotten how to sweet talk me." he wished to press closer, but she would catch the stale liquor on his breath. "and here i thought after a month apart, you would have forgotten all about me." it was part jest, but also part truth. they had never stated that they would stay true to one another even while apart. for all he knew, she had found someone back home in vallarion who was ever the respectful lord and would make an honest woman of her. being with lorencio, freely in the open, there would never be anything honest about her, not when his reputation preceded him.

but wasn’t he counting on something as such?

taking a drink from his goblet, he found himself mirroring a half toast that the almara tossed around to the room, the first set of eyes that had fallen upon him the whole night that held recognition. it wasn’t just the fire, dance or the little time before. they had crossed paths once or twice in cavit’s wish to understand just who was in the world that he was constantly up against. like a beast in him, his hunger needed to be satiated.

rarely did cavit speak so plainly as to say what was on his mind. in fact, up until now, he and other lord hadn't done much talking at all; there were things better understood than what lies rested on one's lips. "ah, and here i thought you merely wanted to see my pretty face," lorencio said with a pointed frown. it only lasted so long. the barkeep served him his next drink and he took a hearty gulp before settling back in his chair to look upon his companion. "now, what do you think i should share first once you become crownwearer?" he mused as he tapped the rim of his glass with his pointer finger, adorned with the ring he was rarely seen without. carved into the silver was the crest of his home.

"how long your cock is, or how you like to take it up the ass?" he paused for a moment. "wait, no, that last one was me." lorencio shrugged like it was all the same. "though it seems like soon enough it will be the council giving it and you taking it." he could not hide his disappointment, but within it laid his curiosity as well. he and lorencio knew each other enough for him to ask outright: "what possessed you?"

a  sting  pierces  her  at  the  mention  of  her  heart  belonging  to  another  and  even  if  jealousy  is  a  ugly  creature  ⸻  she  finds  herself  inviting  that  creature  to  merge  with  herself  .  "  hm  .  "  her  lips  let  out  as  she  continues  to  speak  and  as  the  swan  before  her  keeps  letting  her  hearts  content  pour  out  in  need  of  comfort  ,  she  finds  herself  wanting  to  find  whomever  wounded  her  swan's  heart  ,  just  to  pierce  it  or  bring  them  pain  .  there  were  few  she  would  have  such  thoughts  for  ,  few  she  would  go  to  the  lengths  of  wound  unless  she  gained  something  .  she  wasn't  a  cruel  woman  ,  she  didn't  like  to  wound  or  hurt  unless  the  target  deserved  it  .  there  had  been  missconceptions  of  her  nature  so  many  times  she  no  longer  wished  to  convey  it  to  anyone  and  opening  up  ?  a  weakness  like  no  other  .

arms  fold  over  her  chest  as  if  protecting  her  own  jealousy  .  "  what  a  fool  they  are  .  "  she  murmurs  and  even  if  her  demeanor  says  she's  not  interested  ,  annoyed  and  bothered  ⸻  her  orbs  indicate  nothing  but  comfort  .  saved  for  few  ,  perhaps  even  only  this  swan  .  a  sigh  escapes  and  avverting  her  gaze  lips  open  to  speak  once  more  .  "  love  ,  it  is  dangerous  and  makes  you  weak  ,  are  you  certain  you  wish  to  feel  those  things  ?  it  is  not  worth  the  crashing  waves  of  emotions  ,  no  ?  "  it's  more  a  question  from  her  own  part  as  she  does  everything  in  her  own  mind  to  pretend  as  if  she's  never  loved  before  .  she  had  her  family  ,  she  loved  them  to  whatever  capacity  the  verathorms  could  ;  but  what  about  the  woman  before  her  ?  she  moved  her  beyond  normality  and  it  was  terrifying  .

"  please  don't  be  livelier  .  "  serious  features  say  at  the  notion  and  yet  the  smallest  hint  of  a  smile  comes  forth  .  "  chess  ?  why  can't  you  make  music  instead  ?  having  me  concentrate  in  your  company  when  all  i  would  like  ⸻  is  to  watch  you  feel  safe  ?  and  the  moonlake  is  always  open  to  you  ,  do  not  make  me  regret  saying  it  .  "

"take my parents, for example. they are stronger together. they know they can rely on one another. they will have their dearest companion and greatest friend by their side for the rest of their lives, should the fates allow." she smiled as she spoke of them, wishing to emulate their relationship since she was a small girl. "it is my belief that all things in this life can be endured if you allow love in." aeliana shrugged her shoulders, sheepish. "i would like to marry someday. it would be my greatest honor to be a wife and, someday, maybe even a mother. given my family's involvement with the council and the crownwearer, i know i should be striving for more, but a woman is allowed at least one fanciful wish in her life, is she not?"

all she hoped was that it was not too fanciful. aeliana grinned at ophelia's request and nodded as she said, "then i shall play music for you. i will happily accept any song request your heart desires." and then she added, "i know i am always safe with you, lady ophelia, whether at the moonlake or on the outskirts of morkhul beside a tavern that has seen better days." she laughed gently and gestured towards the tavern in question. "should we indulge in a drink before we retire for the evening?"

Something quieter settled across valkan’s expression as she spoke, though whether it was disagreement or recognition remained difficult to place. his gaze stayed fixed outward at first, toward the distant lights scattered across morkhul like dying stars. only at her question did his attention shift briefly back toward her, thoughtful now in a way that lacked the sharpness from before. “perhaps,” he admitted after a moment, voice low beneath the wind. “or perhaps comfort has simply always seemed temporary to me.” a faint breath left him through his nose, not quite amusement this time. “people promise permanence far more easily than the world allows them to keep it.”

her words lingered between them afterward, softer yet far harder to ignore. valkan’s fingers stilled entirely against the railing, his attention narrowing slightly as though caught somewhere between instinct and memory. when she sighed, his gaze finally lifted fully toward her again, quieter now beneath the dim balcony light. “you make it sound very simple,” he said evenly, though the edge in his voice had dulled into something far more restrained. “trusting someone enough to let them catch you after the fall.” a small silence settled before the corner of his mouth curved faintly once more, thinner now, touched by something almost weary. “i’m not certain i’ve ever been particularly good at falling gracefully.”

at the change in her daughter's expression, sloane's own posture became more stiff. her back straightened, her chin raised slightly, as if to already build up a defense against the accusations. as if to tell herself she was not the one who had done something wrong here, and had been within her right as a ruling member of this house and her mother to ensure the staff reported back to her with any information that may be of importance.

"i have told the staff to bring me any information, about anyone under celembron's roof, that may be of importance to me. that includes you, my siblings, my parents, as well as the numerous guests we just entertained," of course she had stressed the importance to them of keeping an eye on rhyaenna, but sloane was not going to disclose that right now.

she turned her had just as sloane reached for her, so her fingers would only skim her skin. her touch burned like treacherous flames. it made rhyaenna take a step back so she could not do it again. her mother was her heart, but right now, it was pierced by her deception, splintered into jagged, little pieces. she breathed evenly, tempering her anger underneath a cool glare. "you say that you trust me, but even now you stand here and tell me of the world like i am still only a girl. you do not see me for the woman that you raised." she clasped her hands behind her back so sloane would not see how they shook.

"blinded?" she repeated the word with a small scoff. rhyaenna could not bite back her next words. it was like an acidic bile along her tongue. "you mean like when you sent me a letter only after papa passed?" she could not look away from her sloane if she tried. so alike they were: the slopes of their nose, and the colors of their eyes. but so much of rhyaenna was her father's as well: the purse of her lips and the raven of her hair. what did sloane see when she looked upon her? her own reflection or that of her deceased husband's? "i would say i was blinded by someone i trusted then."