Shyanne

This was going to be your year!

Deep down you just knew that it was going to be your year. You worked your ass off for it. You canceled many get-togethers to walk the floor of that old, creaky high school gym. You wanted to grab that rolled up piece of paper that said you graduated and turn around and give all those fucking teachers the middle finger and yell “fuck you.” The thought of this, it made you smile inside. It was your boyfriend's plan really, but he wanted you to do it as well. 

“Y/N Y/L/N, CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?” The loud voice of your boyfriend pulled you from your thoughts and back to that thing that is called reality. You had a love hate relationship with reality. You looked up to find that your boyfriend was standing on the cafeteria tabletop, his arms were spread out with a huge smile plastered on his face. There was a shine in his eyes you'd never seen before. You were going to ask what he was up to when he looked around the cafeteria. "AND SHE'S BACK!" 

"What–"

Eddie knelt down in front of you, that big grin still on his face. You were dying to know what happened to make him smile that big. He took his hand and placed it under your chin. His fingertips were calloused from the hours of playing his guitar the last few weeks. He wanted to make sure he got that song just right. You smiled and melted right into his touch. If only Eddie knew about the small things he did to you. 

You and Eddie have known each other since grade school. You moved from the hot desert of Tucson, Arizona to Hawkins, Indiana after your parents divorced. Your father wanted nothing to do with you since his mistress got pregnant. So your mother packed you up with what little stuff the two of you owned and drove until she saw a “For Rent” sign on the side of the road. 

It was a small three bedroom double wide trailer with wood flooring and ugly green carpet. Green carpet that was still there years later. But the two of you managed to make it home. A few days after moving in and getting settled in, you were greeted by a boy with long, dark hair and a huge smile on this face. You were outside playing with a few dolls you had and this boy asked to play with you. You were so confused because no one ever wanted to play with you. So you said yes.

Since then, you and Eddie, the two of you, were inseparable. The two of you did almost everything together. You stood up to Eddie's bullies which would get you suspended from school. Was always worth it for you. Eddie would run to the corner store to get you menstrual products and chocolate if your mom couldn’t. At night, when the two of you would hang out late, Eddie would make sure you made it safely home and made sure your house was safe too. 

Two peas in a pod, your mother had called you guys. 

By the time high school came around, you realized that you had developed feelings for your best friend. You spent all of freshman year and half of sophomore year avoiding those feelings because you knew that if you were to share them with Eddie and he didn’t feel the same, your friendship would be over. 

It wasn’t until an argument at a stupid Christman party that you accidentally let it slip about your feelings for him. That night you shared your first kiss with him under the moon wrapped in his jacket. Your first date was at the movies, which just happened to be ruined by Jason Carver. You repaid the favor by throwing a punch at him a few days later when you saw him walk out of the movie store. A punch that got you in trouble with Jim Hopper.

Still a well deserved punch as you thought about that day.

“That’s my princess,” Eddie whispered only for you to hear. It made your heart flutter and you had to muster enough self control to NOT jump up and slam your lips against his. You didn't want to make a scene in front of the whole school. But for now, you settled for the soft but eager look in his eyes. 

Eddie stood up and began to walk the table again. “ALRIGHT EVERYONE!” Eddie shouted. “I HAVE A VERY, VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!” 

The cafeteria slowly quieted down. All eyes were on Eddie, who slowly stepped off the table. He turned to you, that huge smile still on his face. The softness in his eyes now had a slight bit of shine in them.

"Nobody cares what you have to say, Freak?" 

Jason's voice interrupted Eddie as he was about to speak. You felt your face turn red. Everyone in all of Hawkins knew you disliked, not hated, Jason. He came from a good family, but he was a total dick. He felt entitled to just about anything he touched. Which was why he actually hated you. He couldn’t have you because you didn’t want to go on a date with him. Which was also the reason why he messed up yours and Eddie's first date.

Before anyone like Mike or Dustin could grab you and hold you back, you stood on the table. You, anything but gracefully, made your way towards the edge of the table. You slipped a few times but the people at your table steadied you. You knelt down on one knee and stared directly into Jason’s bright blue eyes.

“Are you sure about that, Carver?” Your voice was calm, but you wore a smirk on our face. “You always, always care what Eddie says. Especially when it concerns me.”

Jason shifted around on his feet. He threw a nervous smile towards his teammates and looked right back at you. You can see he’s trying to be all macho about the whole encounter. “No I don’t,” Jason had scoffed and crossed his arms. 

“Says the boy who’s been obsessed with me since grade school,” You flashed him a wicked smile. “Like dude, get over it already.”

Jason shook his head and you knew that you won. “Whatever, just go fuck yourself.” And with that, Jason motioned for his group of ball freaks to follow him out of the cafeteria. 

You stood up and turned to face Eddie who was looking at you with a bigger smile on his face and  brighter look in his eyes. “You may continue,” you gestured your arms open and smiled at Eddie.

Eddie chuckled and shook his head. “AS SOON AS WE GRADUATED,” He resorted back to yelling, which caused you to chuckle as well. “AM GOING TO MARRY THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF YOU Y/N Y/L/N!” Eddie moved over to you and pulled you down off the table and held you in his arms bridal style. “Only if you still want me.” His voice dropped as he brought his lips to your ear. 

“Of course I’ll still want you, Munsen.” You pulled his face to yours and pressed your lips to his. There are some small groans as the two of you kiss. The table you guys sat at for four years clapped and cheered. All you wanted was to stay in this moment forever. To stay in the firm grip of Eddie that had made you feel safe after all these years. 

And that's what you tried to do.

Your back was pressed against the wall of the school cafeteria. Your heart raced and the tears streamed down your face. You had nowhere else to run. There was nowhere else for you to hide. No matter where you ran or where you hid, he found you. 

What’s taking them so long? You wondered to yourself. 

You waited for what felt like eternity for that song. The one song that you knew would pull you out of this nightmare. But the faint music that Max had described never came.

The air turned cold around you and you knew that he found you. Again. You felt yourself grow small as you watched Vecna stalk towards you. His body looked like he was born from cursed vines. But you knew that was wrong. Vecna used to be human. This place, the Upside Down, made him what he was now.

Vecna walked towards you with his clawed hand stretched out. The tears that rolled down your cheeks only rolled down faster. Your body was frozen in place as you muttered the word “No” over and over again. This couldn’t be happening. It just couldn’t. 

“It’s time Y/N,” Vecna’s voice sent chills down your spine. “Time for you to join me.”

“No,” you cried. “Please, no.”

Vecna stopped about a foot in front of you. His clouded, blue eyes stared down at you. You felt more tears roll down your cheeks as you shook your head. Vecna raised his hand up to your cheek and wiped the tear from your cheek. At that moment you let out a cry that you knew no one was ever going to hear. 

“There, there,” Vecna said. “It’ll all be over soon.”

You closed your eyes and whispered one last “I love you” for Eddie.

***

Eddie couldn’t move at all, let alone take his eyes off your tarp covered body. It was the only thing that was laying around and Steve used it to cover you. Eddie had already done the crying and the screaming and the yelling. Now, he just sat there. Frozen. Numb. He couldn’t feel anything anymore but the giant hole that ripped his chest open. 

“We failed,” the words came out in a quiet whisper. 

“What?” Dustin asked. He, too, had been crying. You were like a big sister to him.

“We fucking, failed Henderson,” Eddie said louder, causing Dustin to flinch. Dustin has never seen Eddie pissed off like this. Tears of his own started to spill down his face for his friend. “We couldn’t FUCKING SAVE HER!” 

“I know,” Dustin whispered. 

There it was again. The rage. 

Eddie spent over a decade loving you. He knew it from the very first moment he saw you playing in the front of your house. Eddie knew you would be the one thing that tethered him to this planet. Eddie remembered telling his uncle that night, after you had gone inside, that he was going to marry you one day. His uncle laughed and tousled his hair before telling him to get ready for bed. 

Eddie watched you grow into such a beautiful young woman. You were smart and liked to dress up every now and then. But what made you the most comfortable was the jeans and t-shirts. You either wore your hair up in a single hair band or falling around your shoulders. But the one thing that he had loved the most about was that you stood up for him countless times. 

He couldn’t fucking save you. 

“Darling,” the morning rasp of Daniel’s voice caused your ears to perk up. You loved it when his voice got like that. You’d do anything to hear his voice like that. You felt the bed shift around beside you. “Darling,” Daniel repeated again, this time you felt his hand on your face.

You opened one eye and saw that Daniel had sat up on his right arm. He brushed the hair from your face and smiled down at you once he saw you fully open your eyes. His dark brown eyes never left your face. You knew exactly what he was going to say. 

“I know,” your voice was soft as you said it first. “I gotta get up and catch my flight.” You felt like your heart was about to burst saying it out loud. 

You had spent the last two weeks in Germany with your boyfriend. It was the first time in almost three months that you and Daniel had any kind of quality time together. Daniel had taken you to his favorite places, again, and that included his restaurant, for the millionth time. It had been a blast until last night when you realized that it would be your last night with him. You had to go back home to the states for your next job. You weren’t sure when you would see him next and that made your heart ache.

Distance was cruel sometimes.

Daniel and you met in Atlanta while you were working on the set of Captain America: Civil War. You were just a crew member and your number one rule, it was a huge rule for you and you alone, was to never get involved with an actor. That was due to their busy schedules and the fact that you would most likely never see them for months at a time. 

That all changed when you weren’t paying attention to where you were walking and bumped right into Daniel. His coffee had spilled everywhere on the front of his shirt and yours. You had been horrified but, luckily, for you, he wasn’t filming yet and it was just a random shirt. He brushed the whole incident off and insisted that you didn’t need to clean it.

The two of you started out as friends, talking and getting to know each other. While working on set, he’d take you out for coffee. Evans and Mackie teased you all the time about it, but the teasing never bothered you. Out of all the people you communicated with on a daily basis, Daniel was the one you talked to the most. It never seemed weird to you. You loved talking to him and talking to him made everything about your day feel better. Daniel had become a safe place for you and it didn’t take you long to realize you had feelings for the German-Spanish actor. You began to crave his presence each and every day while working on set.

It wasn’t until about a year later, after the very last scene you worked on Civil War, you guys ran into each other again. This time in London, you were working on another film and ran into him while dining at a small restaurant. The two of you hung around the restaurant until it was super late. You didn’t want to go your separate ways so you invited him back to your hotel room for a couple more drinks. It didn’t take long for things to heat up and the clothes to come off.

That was nearly four years ago.

Four years of making a relationship work with an actor, despite the number one rule you had, had years ago.

“I’ve enjoyed our time together,” You could hear the sadness creeping into Daniel's voice. He didn’t want you to leave at all either. He loved being with you because you brought out the good in him. He won’t admit it to you, but he hated the time and distance away from you. He wished that he could wake up to you every morning and fall asleep with you in his arms.

 “It’s such a shame you have to go back.” His fingers traced around your bare shoulders, leaving goosebumps in their wake. “I had so much more planned.”

You took a deep breath and sat up into a sitting position. Daniel soon followed. “I wish there was more time, but I gotta get back to start this new project.”

Your job wasn't hard, but it was very demanding. You got to travel the world with well known actors, directors, stunt doubles, etc. and everything was paid for. It paid well so when you had breaks from traveling, you had a little apartment in the suburbs of your hometown that you would stay in for a month or two. It was nicely furnished and whenever you traveled, you let your brother stay there to take care of your two cats. 

Daniel bit his bottom lip and sighed real deep. “I know, I know,” you spoke Daniel's unspoken thoughts before he could. “One day, there won’t be time nor distance between us.” 

“I know,” Daniel whispered as he brushed hair out of your face. “Why don’t I help you pack up your things while you shower, my love.” 

The rest of the time, it was silent. It always was whenever one of you had to leave. You showered while Daniel packed up your things. You contemplated staying an extra day and calling your boss about the delay. One more day couldn’t hurt. When you stepped out of the shower and got dressed, you noticed your bags sitting by the door. Your jacket, laying on top. 

The two of you went around the corner to the small little coffee shop that you loved. Once the two of you ate and had a small cup of coffee, Daniel called you a taxi and helped you load up. Before you could get into the backseat, Daniel took hold of your upper arm and spun you around. Before you could even open your mouth to ask what was wrong, Daniel's lips were already pressing against yours. You sighed and melted right into his arms. 

“I love you,” Daniel whispered into your ear before kissing the side of your head. 

“I love you, too,” You loosened your hands and let go of the front of his shirt. When you looked up, you saw the softest smile on Daniel’s face. “I’ll call you when I land,”  you stepped back and settled yourself into the taxi. 

“I look forward to that.” 

As the taxi pulled away, you looked behind and watched as the man of your dreams grew smaller and smaller. You hated this feeling more than anything. You hated that you had to go or that he had to go. You hated everything about your situation and arrangement.

Distance was cruel.

Nadia stood in the small room rubbing her bulging belly as she hummed a small little Bulgrian lullaby. Something that her mother or баба would sing to her and Nikola when they were young. In the last few years, if you told her that she would get knocked up and married, she wouldn’t believe you. Nadia always thought that she wasn’t the kind to settle down and get married. But that sort of changed when Nadia and Bucky went into hiding after she exposed the military and their commander in chief. 

Ever since that night, Bucky and Nadia had to make do with what was given to them each month. Bucky didn’t need to go into hiding, he chose to. Nadia tried to talk him out of it the whole drive to the airport. It was when he pulled her up against his body and pressed his lips to hers, that she understood how deep his feelings went for her. 

Nadia turned around as she remembered the morning she found out about the baby. She woke up feeling amazing and fine. It wasn’t until after they had a nice breakfast at the cafe around the corner of their place that she started to feel sick. But it wasn’t until the moment they walked into the market that Nadia raced to the nearest trash bin and threw up her entire breakfast until there was nothing left but stomach acid coming up.

One trip to the doctor confirmed that it wasn’t a stomach bug. A few days later, Bucky and Nadia tied the knot in their local courthouse. Steve, Natasha and Wanda had flown in to be witnesses. Natasha and Wanda pampered Nadia and made her look like she just came out of a bridal magazine. They only had a few photos to commemorate that day and they were hung around the small little apartment.

“Hey,” Bucky’s voice pulled Nadia out of her thoughts. She looked up from her belly and saw Bucky leaning up against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest. It looked like he had been standing there for a while. But Nadia didn’t care, she loved it. “I was heading out to the market for a few things. It’s right past that little diner you love so much and…”

“Yes,” Nadia’s face lit up brighter than anything. “A million times yes!” Nadia waddled over to her husband. Bucky loved that little waddle, it reminded him of the waddling penguins they saw a few years before. He never told her that, he didn’t have to. 

Ever since Nadia hit the last part of the third trimester, she complained how fat she felt and how she constantly waddled around. Bucky knew that if he mentioned the whole penguin thing, he’d find himself on a flight back to the compound. Or six feet under the ground with a slab of concrete on top of him.

“Well, let me help you get your shoes on and we can head on out.” Bucky turned around and left the room. Nadia waddled after him until she reached the end of the hall and felt a gush of fluid between her legs. 

“No, no, no,” Nadia whispered and she knew that Bucky would hear it anyway with that super soldier hearing of his. “We have about three weeks left.” Then suddenly there was painful pressure all throughout Nadia’s abdomen. She slapped the wall with her hand and firmly pressed onto it like it was her only life preserver. Nadia’s other hand held onto her contracting belly. “Bucky,” she squeaked out.

Bucky quickly came around and saw the scene before him. He saw the small puddle of water with little white flakes and knew what was going on. He quickly approached Nadia and took hold of her and began to guide her out the door and towards their small crappy car.

“I got you, Doll,” Bucky whispered into Nadia's ear as he got you the car. “You’re going to be fine.”

Sitting was hard for Nadia. Her entire lower body was in pain. It felt like she was being ripped in half from her pelvis. Each contraction tore her apart, and she whimpered with each one. She thought she was ready for this. She mentally prepared herself for this. But yet, here she was, gripping tightly to the dashboard trying very hard not to give birth in the small car. 

***

Nadia wiped the sweat from her face and reached out for her baby. The nurse gently placed the tiny, swaddled little human into Nadia’s awaiting arms. Nadia didn’t realize how much love she had in her heart until those dark eyes opened and looked right up at her. It was like her heart exploded and instantly she knew she would do just about anything to make the world a better place for her little girl. If she had to, Nadia would sacrifice Bucky to make sure their daughter was safe. Hell, if she really had to, Nadia would sacrifice herself to make sure their daughter was safe. 

“She’s gorgeous,” Nadia mumbled as she stroked her baby’s small, smooth cheek. “And so tiny.” Nadia looked up to see Bucky just staring at the both of them. She wondered what was going through his mind. She saw a mixture of fear and love in those blue eyes of his. He was ready to do anything for this little girl. “Hey,” Nadia held her hand out to her husband. 

“Hey,” Bucky gave her a smile as he took her hand. 

“Are you okay?” Nadia asked. “You look a little...distant.”

Bucky squeezed Nadia’s hand. “I’m wonderful.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to Nadia’s. “It’s hard to believe that she’s here,” Bucky continued, resting his head against Nadia’s. “It feels like a dream and I’m afraid that if I wake up, little Rebecca would be right back in your belly.”

Nadia didn’t think that her heart could swell with any more warmth and love than it already had. She watched as Bucky gently took their little bundle and sat down in the nearest chair. She watched as Bucky whispered to her, no doubt promising the world to her and promising to keep her safe no matter what. 

Nadia knew she wasn’t getting Rebecca back anytime soon, so she took this time to roll over to try her hardest to sleep. She hadn’t slept in over thirty-six hours and her body was screaming for rest but her mind was elsewhere.

***

The morning that Nadia found out she was pregnant, Bucky had just come home with breakfast. Nadia wasn’t doing all that well that morning. She had woken up with such a horrible headache and Bucky had given her some Advil. By the time he got back, Nadia had just finished hacking up everything that had been in her stomach at the time.

“Nadie?” Bucky’s worried voice came from the other side of the wooden door. “Are you okay in there?”

“I don’t know,” Nadia weakly said. Her abs hurt from heaving and her throat burned from the stomach acid that seemed to have stopped. Her arms felt like noodles as she slowly stood up and wiped her mouth. “Maybe, now that my entire stomach is empty.”

Nadia opened the door and saw Bucky standing there. The bag of food was still in his hands and Nadia got a good whiff of the contents inside. Eggs, french toast, butter, syrup, fried potatoes and salt. She felt her stomach turn and knew that she didn’t have time to make it towards the toilet. Nadia spun around and gripped the counter top while even more stomach acid left her.

“I think you need a doctor,” Bucky dropped the bag and went over to Nadia and pulled back her hair. He rubbed her back as Nadia hacked up her stomach. It’s the least he could do during this time.

“No, no, no,” Nadia washed out her mouth and splashed water all over her face. “It’s probably a little bug or I'm….” Nadia’s voice trailed off as stood up and stared at herself in the mirror before her. “Am I?” She asked more to herself than Bucky who was staring at her too. 

Bucky watched as Nadia moved around him and into their small little room where she knelt down by their bed and pulled out a box. She opened it and shuffled through it until she pulled out a small, thin box. Bucky wasn’t sure what Nadia was doing, but he continued to watch as she walked past him and back into their small bathroom. 

A few minutes later, Bucky heard a soft gasp and the faint muttering of random words being jumbled together. Bucky leaned against the door frame and lightly knocked. “Nadie? Doll?” He reached for the handle and slowly opened the door. “Are you okay, in here?”

Nadia didn’t look up. She kept her face down and stared at the tiny thing on the counter. Every thought she had flooded her brain. She couldn’t think straight and didn’t know how to feel at all. But the moment she felt Bucky’s hands on her face, cradling it ever so softly, she started to tear up and smiled up at him. 

“How?” she whispered.

“What?” Bucky asked but Nadia ignored him.

“How?” she repeated. She turned her face away from his and gestured toward the small thing on the counter. Bucky got a closer look at the pink and white stick on the counter. He’s only ever saw those on the shelves in the store. He never thought of Nadia ever needing one. 

Bucky turned back to Nadia and knew that he didn’t care how it happened. He was just thrilled that he got to do it with her. He grabbed Nadia by the sides of her face and kissed her with all the passion he had for her. He whispered sweet things to her as he led her out of the bathroom and into the room. 

Bucky wanted to make the most of it all. 

***

Rebecca’s small whimpers woke Nadia up. She hadn’t realized that she had dozed off. When she looked at the clock, Nadia saw that she had slept for just a few hours. Bucky was up and cradling her, shushing her ever so softly. This was it. This was how life was supposed to be. 

Bucky looked up at Nadia and saw her staring with a tired smile on her lips. With her hair up in the messiest of buns with random strands falling around her perfect face, but Bucky thought she looked more beautiful than ever. 

“Go back to sleep, Doll.” Bucky walked up to Nadia who was just about to protest. “I have her. She’s fine and if she gets hungry, I’ll wake you up later so that you can feed her.” Nadia was still about to protest but Bucky sat at the edge of the bed. “Nadia,” He reached out with one hand and touched her leg. “You haven’t slept in almost two days. You need to rest.”

Nadia knew at that point she couldn’t fight it anymore. She struggled to lean forward, no one told her what it would be like after giving birth. She was still very sore down between her leg and she could feel her uterus contracting back to size. But as Nadia looked down at her tiny little daughter, all the aches and pain she felt, it was all worth it. 

“I love you,” she leaned in and gently kissed Bucky on the lips.

During the years of Prohibition, your father found ways to get alcohol. He’d run to the pharmacy after pharmacy and get prescription after prescription like everyone else for the next ten days. But he’d hit multiple pharmacies in one day and be home with more alcohol than the normal drinker. If the house was dry of alcohol, he'd run off to find someone who either had a large supply still or he’d find someone who made it. He didn’t care where the alcohol came from, as long as he had it. He was scary and sad when he didn’t have it.

The only time your father was ever sober enough to do anything, was for Sunday services or Communion Sunday. He’d put on a smile and say that everything was good or that you were performing well in your school studies, when you knew full well that he had no idea what you were learning. But you knew from the pitiful look from those around you, that they knew what your daddy was and that he was full of shit.

***

You had just turned twenty-two when people talked about the war that was raging around Europe. It was horrifying what you would read in the morning paper. Was America going to war? Was America going to sit this one out? You really hoped that it never came to that.

That was before the events that took place at Pearl Harbor in December 1941. Now everyone around you talked of nothing but the war that America was now a part of. And what you’ve heard frightened you. The only time you could ever shut it was when you were home.

“I’m going to enlist the first chance I get,” Steve’s voice pulled you out of your thoughts. You turned to see the small, skinny man sitting on the wooden steps that lead to your small tiny apartment. You hadn’t lived there long. Only a few years after your father passed away. He had literally drank his life away and there wasn’t a shred of sadness for him in you.

Before you could say anything to Steve about his condition and that a strong wind could easily knock him over and break a bone, the door to your apartment closed. You looked up to see Bucky walk down the steps, his blue eyes glaring down at Steve.

“No, you’re not,” Bucky sat down on the step next to Steve. “First off, you’re in no shape to even enlist. Second, I won’t let you. Finally, if it did come down to me enlisting, which is very likely, you gotta stay here and watch, Y/N.”

You recalled the day that you met Bucky Barnes. You had been walking home from work late one night and ran into a group of young men. They did NOT have any intention of walking you home. You had put up a good fight until you began to feel yourself give up. You thought that in that moment, it was the end and you were a smidge grateful. Your life up until that point was nothing but pain and heartbreak. That was when Bucky came in and rescued you. Both literally and figuratively.

Bucky had taken you back to his place and helped clean you up. He had been extremely gentle and spoke softly to you. He talked of his family or his childhood friend, Steve. Those blue eyes would peeked up at you as he patched you up. During those small little moments, you would feel your face grow red. After getting you patched up and fed, Bucky insisted you stay with him for the night and walk you home in the morning.

“I’ll take the sofa and you can have my room,” He had told you. When morning had come and you were ready to leave, Steve had burst in with sad news about his mother.

Since then, it felt like those two had become your protector. Bucky would meet you after your night shifts to walk you home while Steve would walk you home from your morning shifts. They even took turns helping you with your weekly grocery trips. Then on some random days, they would come over and get you to tag along with them on whatever they did. That would range from hanging out on some random pier to poking around random libraries to accompanying Steve to doctors appointments.

“What do you say, sweetheart?”

You looked up at Bucky, who smiled and winked at you as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. You felt your face burn as you looked away but you could still feel those bright blue eyes on you. You and Bucky had flirted innocently over the last few years. Small smirks and quick glances turned into smiling more at each other while the other talked and held your stare in one place. Random hand kisses turned into a few secret, stolen kisses. The nightly walks from work turned into him staying the night at your place. You guys never did anything, in fact, Bucky always insisted that he sleep on the couch. But some nights you would make your way to the couch just to lay next to him or Bucky would slip into your room and just hold you all night.

“About what?” you closed the gap between you and Bucky. You took the cigarette from his hands and put it between your lips.

“The three of us going to see that, uh, new movie,” Bucky looked down at Steve who was staring into space. Steve got this way recently and you had a feeling Steve knew about you and Bucky. “Steve,” Bucky very gently nudged him. “What was that movie called again?”

“Um,” Steve coughed a little which had Bucky motioning you to drop the cigarette. You did as you were told. You dropped that thing and squished as deep as your little foot would allow you. “Babes on Broadway.”

“Sounds like a fun time,” you smiled.

***

It wasn’t long until Steve confronted the two of you about your guy's behavior. It wasn’t like you wanted to keep it from him, he was your guy's best friend after all. The two of you just didn’t know how to tell him since you guys were friends. Steve didn’t care, he was happy for you guys. Just as long as the three of you continued to do stuff.

That time was very short lived.

“Are you going to tell him?” You asked one night. Bucky had taken you to the pier to tell you his news. You were still processing what he had told you. “Isn’t this what you wanted?” You had recalled a few years back that Bucky would want to enlist, so you were confused when his face grew sad as he spoke to you.

“Yeah, at first,” Bucky picked up a small rock and threw it into the water. The two of you watched it skip until you couldn’t anymore. “I guess the time that you and I spent together and working on this relationship had me rethink it all.”

You stood up and took Bucky into your arms and held him. You felt his arms tighten around you as he buried his face into the crook of your neck. “How do you tell your best friend that you were drafted?”

You held him tighter and felt a small tear roll down your cheek. “It’ll be okay,” you whispered. “Hopefully, you’re not gone for long and will be home in no time.”

Bucky pulled away and cupped your face with his hands. “And when I do,” he leaned his forehead on yours. “You and I will get married and start that big family we’ve dreamed of.” You smiled back at him and planted a soft kiss on Bucky's lips. Him coming home alive was the only hope you clung to now.

That was until you followed Steve to one of the enlistment centers and caught him in the act of lying. You were practically yelling at Steve about how irresponsible and utterly stupid he was being when a doctor walked right into the room. You were trying to tell the doctor that the two of you were just leaving but the doctor insisted that you both stay.

***

Since that day, not only was Steve taken in to be experimented on, you were taken in by some British woman named Peggy. You watched as Steve jumped onto a grenade that wasn’t a live one. That almost killed you inside. You were taught how to shoot a gun and to your surprise you were very good at it. Then you watched as a group of scientists stuffed Steve into some pod-like thing and when he came out again, he was taller and stronger.

“Look at you,” you said one evening. It had been a few days since the experiment and since Steve chased a German on foot to learn of a secret organization before he took his own life.

“You like it?” Steve did a little spin. It had been a while since you saw him this free.

“It’s different,” you sat down and picked up the book that Bucky gave him. “A good different. Something that I will for sure have to get used to.”

Over the course of a few months, Steve was dressed up in spandex and, to his disliking, went on a tour. There was a lot of singing and a lot of dancing according to Stevels small letters. You did get to see him perform once, and knew right away that Steve wasn’t exaggerating. Steve was pretty much depressed, he wanted to fight. He wanted to test out his strength but no one would let him. You on the other hand, you stayed on base and trained to be like Peggy. Knowing how to shoot and to not let a man walk all over you. All the while being hit on by none other than Howard Stark.

Howard was a sweetheart. A cocky, nerdy sweetheart who pretty much looked after you in hopes to win a date with you. That was until you had to shatter his little bubble of hope and tell him that you were engaged. Poor Howard, couldn’t stop apologizing. He’d still flirt with you nonetheless, but it didn’t have any strings attached. He was a good friend to you.

***

It wasn’t until October you heard news about the regiment that Bucky was in. It had been captured and your knees pretty much buckled underneath you when you heard about it. No one would tell you anything, not even Peggy who had also grown to be a good friend in Steve’s absence. You were alone and in the dark. You weren’t ready to lose the love of your life.

Then Steve showed up.

You watched as Steve marched his way through the camp towards you, your heart pounded. You knew that he knew about Bucky. Why else would he be here? He pulled you inside an empty tent and asked if you knew anything. You told him that all you knew was that Bucky’s regiment was taken and nothing else. No one would tell you anything or give you answers. It was killing you. Steve had taken a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

“I’ll get you answers,” he said calmly as he pulled you into a tight hug.

Soon you found yourself standing in front of Colonel Phillips with Steve beside you. Your heart was racing and you didn’t know what to expect. Were you going to get answers? Was Phillips going to beat around the bush like he always did?

“I’m only looking for one name.” You heard Steve command. “One James Buchanan Barnes.”

Your entire world stood still. It even felt like your heart stopped beating as you waited for the answer you so desperately needed. You watched as Philips looked at both you and Steve as he stood up. The look on his face told you that the news wasn’t going to be what the two of you wanted to hear.

“The name sounds familiar,” Philips said as he ran his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry…”

The words seemed to die the moment they hit your ears. Your body grew cold and you felt yourself begin to sway. You couldn’t believe what he was saying. It had felt like a dream to you and all you wanted to do was to wake up and see the love of our life smiling at you. Bucky couldn’t be dead. He couldn’t be! He was all that you had that left that kept you grounded. That kept you from making such drastic decisions in your own life.

Bucky Barnes was your rock.

And now, he was gone.

All gone.

You didn’t realize that you had gripped the upper arm of Steve. Steve was looking at you with concern in his eyes. He knew about your father’s drinking habits and you could tell that he was worried that you would fall right into the same death sentence that your father had.

“I’m okay,” You had told Steve. You let go of his arm and turned away only to feel the cool ground meet your face as unconsciousness consumed you.

When you woke up, Steve was gone. Along with Peggy and Howard. No note or letter telling you what was going on.

You spent the next day picking up the slack that Peggy had left behind. Phillips didn’t care that it had overwhelmed you, he wanted the job done. You masked your emotions around others, but the moment you had found yourself alone, the tears had spilled down your face. You just couldn’t believe that the one man that loved you for you, was actually gone. There probably wouldn’t be a body for you to bury. That thought made you cry even more.

“Bucky,” you whispered looking at the small diamond on your left hand. “You promised me forever.”

Peggy and Howard returned with no Steve by mid-day. When you had asked about him, you were shut down by Peggy. But Howard pulled you aside and explained what happened. They had lost contact with Steve and after a few hours of waiting, they had to leave.

You just lost Bucky and now you might have lost Steve. The world was cruel and you felt like life just didn’t want you to be happy. Your father’s cheap way out of life looked pleasing right now to you.

You had been crying alone in your tent when you heard a commotion at the front gate. You wiped your tears and made yourself look presentable. You smoothed out the clothes you wore and walked out to see what was going on. There were people rushing up to the front gate so you followed them.

You froze in place as you watched the group of soldiers walk in. Your bottom lip began to tremble and your legs began to shake. Before you could comprehend what was going on, you felt yourself ducking under the gate and running. Your mind wasn’t focused on the men that were rescued by Steve Rogers. Your mind was only focused on one person and one person alone.

Your body collided with Bucky’s and you felt his strong arms wrap around you. Those strong arms didn’t let you go. They held you so tight that you felt like you could almost stop breathing. The two of you pressed your faces into each other’s necks, inhaling the only scent that was familiar.

Bucky thought he had died on that table that freaky little scientist had him strapped to.

You thought that you finally went through with your plan.

Then Steve spoke and that was the one thing that brought you and Bucky back to reality. You pulled away from Bucky who held your face in his hands. You stared into those clear blue eyes of his. The smile he had on his face could fool anyone, including Steve, but you saw right through it.

“It’s okay, I’m here,” you whispered as you held one of his hands tightly to your face.

Bucky leaned down and pressed his lips to yours. “I’m not going to let you go anytime soon,” he mumbled against your lips. That night, you had given yourself fully to Bucky.

***

Over the next two years, Steve was used to help take down this group that called themselves HYDRA. There were many successful missions. Bucky was Steve’s right hand and went on these small missions with him. He always came back in one piece with the exception of a few cuts and bruises. Whenever Bucky would leave and come back, you would pull him aside to somewhere more private.

“I talked to Phillips,” Bucky said one morning. His fingers traced a path from your bare side to your thigh. Small goosebumps slowly followed. “When I get back from this mission, we are going to get married.”

“For real?” your lips stretched into a big smile.

“For real, Sweetheart,” Bucky smiled back, bringing his hand back up to cup your chin. “I want to be able to start our lives together and pop out a few kids.” Bucky’s breath catches at the word kids. “Who knows, maybe we already got one brewing with all the messing around we’ve been doing.”

You giggled at the thought of carrying Bucky’s baby. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if you were already pregnant.

“Phillips said he would officiate the small ceremony,” Bucky continued as he got up and threw his clothes on. “You don’t need to plan anything, just go out with Peggy and buy a nice dress.”

Bucky left shortly after that with Steve. You watched as they disappeared and out of sight. Something inside you told you that something bad was going to happen. You couldn’t explain it but slowly your heart began to ache but you had to shake the feeling. You got like that every time Bucky left.

“You shouldn’t have to worry,” Peggy stepped beside you. “They’ll be back and once you and Barnes are married, you both will go home.” You looked at Peggy who gave one her small smiles. “Shall we then? Go dress shopping?”

Over the next few days you tried on a few dresses and found one that fitted you well and that you loved. It was a little blue dress that went past your knees and tied loosely around your neck. You found a pair of black heels that pulled the entire look together. You couldn’t wait for Bucky to see you in it.

***

Bucky stood at the edge of the cliff overlooking the empty track. The mission was to take over a HYDRA train. Simple. He’d be back to you in no time. He’d get to marry you and spend at least two week with you back in Brooklyn before coming back here.

“So, finally getting married?” Steve stood next to Bucky. Bucky turned to his friend and smiled. “You know,” Steve rubbed his face. “I could have told you a few years back that she was the one for you. I could see the way you looked at her.”

Bucky shook his head as he held back a laugh. “Oh really? I recall you talking about her non-stop for months.”

Steve looked down and shook his head. “I only stopped because I could tell that she was falling for you. Not because of your looks, but because of the many books you two swapped around and talked about. How could I compete with that? Y/N was made for you.”

Bucky was about to say something when one of the men with them approached them. It was time to get this show on the road. Bucky was the second on the train and the moment his feet landed on the moving locomotive, his stomach did a flip. He did all that he could to keep from looking down.

Bucky ran across the train cars until they reached the one they needed. Steve went down first and Bucky followed. When they entered the car, it was empty except for some shelves. Bucky followed Steve towards the next car but when Steve stepped through the threshold, the door closed.

Something behind Bucky made a noise and Bucky turned to see a man pointing a gun at him. Bucky immediately began to shoot at him, ducking behind some shelves. In the other car, he could hear Steve fighting someone else.

Bucky continues to shoot until his rifle is empty. He pulls out his pistol and runs to the other side of the car shooting. He shoots until his pistol is empty. Bucky closed his eyes and rested, his back against the cool metal behind him. He knows there's a chance he may not make it off of this train alive. So he sits there and thinks about you.

Bucky thought of the night he saved you from that group of guys. These boys, as they didn’t deserve to be called men, wanted to have their way with you. They wanted to touch you in ways that, after years, still make Bucky cringe. They also had no intention of leaving you alive, but dead on the cold street. Bucky didn’t think twice about intervening.

Your bottom lip had been swollen and your right eye was black. Your hands were bruised and it impressed Bucky that you put up one hell of a fight. But that wasn’t what Bucky fell for that night while he helped clean you up. It was the fire he saw in your eyes when he pulled you off the ground and shushed you when you took a swing at him. It was the small smile you gave him while he cleaned and stitched you up. It was the firm hug you gave him, thanking him for saving you.

Bucky wasn’t going to let you go, because he needed you.

Bucky heard the door open and from the corner of his eyes, he watched as Steve tossed both his pistol and shield towards him. Bucky quickly picked them up and with one more quick thought of your smile he stepped out of his small hiding spot and began to shoot at his assailant once again.

It was quick, Bucky was shooting one minute and the next, he’s hanging on tight to part of the train. The only part of the train that wasn’t secure Steve soon appeared and was reaching out his hand. But Bucky knew that this was it for him.

“Steve,” Bucky yelled.

“I got you, Buck,” Steve inched closer to his best friend. “Don’t worry. I got you.”

“Take care of her, for me.”

***

You were tidying up your space when you noticed Steve standing in the doorway. You rushed over and threw your arms around Steve. You were excited they were back and couldn’t wait to get your tiny wedding into gear. But when Steve pulled you back and stared at you with almost empty eyes, that same feeling you felt when you watched him and the group leave, returned.

“Steve?” your voice shook. “What happened?”

Steve swallowed hard as he pulled you back into the room. He guided you to the only chair and sat you down. “Y/N,” His voice trembled as he knelt down before you. “I’m sorry, Bucky…”

The world around you froze and your body grew cold as Steve’s voice slowly faded. It felt like a dream, except it wasn’t a dream. It was a nightmare that you wanted no part of. But you couldn't escape it. This was real. This was happening. Your body grew stiff as you heard Steve say those three words. Words that would haunt you for years to come.

You felt your arm reach out and make contact with Steve’s face. The tears rolled down your face as you tried to keep the sobs from escaping your lips. But when Steve turned back to you, you saw the tears in his eyes. He didn’t say anything as he stood up and made his way out of the room.

“You were supposed to watch out for him!” You yelled as you got up and rushed towards him. “You were supposed to bring him home.” You pushed him the moment he turned around. “You were supposed to keep him alive for me.” You went to slap him again, but Steve caught your arm and pulled you into the tightest hug.

Your body melted away into that hug as you felt your entire world fall apart around you. Soon your legs buckled from under and Steve was holding you on his lap. He rocked you as you cried and clung tightly to him.

“I’m sorry,” Steve whispered as he heard the muffled screams come from your small body. “I’m so, so sorry.”

***

Over the next week, there was a small funeral-like ceremony held for Bucky. Since there wasn’t a body for burial or to even send back home to the states, people just told stories about him. The stories couldn’t pull even a small smile from your lips. Not even the stories that Steve told. You just sat there, holding the small locket Bucky gifted you before he left. In the locket was his picture that you looked at almost everyday, but since being told about his death, you couldn’t bring yourself to open it.

You quickly got up and made your way out of the room and out of the building. You ignored the cold wind on your sink as you made your way to the only place that could make you feel closer to Bucky.

The smell of whiskey hit you the moment you opened those doors before the heat hit your skin. You walked up to the bar counter and sat down and before you knew it you had ordered an entire bottle of whiskey. You finally felt what your father had been feeling all those years ago when your mother died. You wanted nothing more than to be rid of the pain and whole in your chest. And you didn’t care if it killed you.

“Hey!” You felt the bottle leave your hand before you could get it to your mouth. “What do you think you’re doing?” You turned to see Howard standing right next to you, holding the bottle of whiskey in his hands. You went to reach for it but he took a step back. “No, I don’t think so.” He said handing it to the bartender and handing him a few large bills. He even instructed the bartender not to serve you anything but water or tea. Howard turned back to you. His face was full of worry and he was out of breath. “As much as I love seeing a beautiful woman drink, I can’t let you down an entire bottle in your state.”

You turned away from him. “Why do you care so much?”

“First off, that offensive,” Howard took a seat next to you. “Second, you’re my friend and you lost the love of your life. Third, Steve and I have been looking for you since he saw you leave.”

As if on cue, Steve walked into Crocker’s Folly and made his way towards you. He looked worried too but there was a little bit more anger on his face. You knew what was coming.

“What were you thinking?” Steve turned you around in your seat. “Leaving like that while it was freezing out? You could have frozen to death. What are you doing here anyway?”

You didn’t answer because you couldn’t. The stern look in Steve’s eyes, as he held your shoulders tight, had you almost frozen in place. Your heart raced as you just stared at him. You felt the tears form in the corner of your eyes as you heard Howard explain what he saw when he found you. You looked away as the shame you felt washed over faster than anything you felt that day.

“Y/N,” Steve lifted your chin with two fingers. That stern look was replaced with worry and sadness. “He wouldn’t want this for you. He wouldn’t want you to end up like your father. You’re better than that.”

“I…I just…”

“Come here,” Steve pulled you into his arms and held you as you cried silently. “I miss him too. You have to stay strong for him. Stay alive for him.” Steve pulled you back and stared at you. “Promise me you’ll stay alive for him.”

You nodded and let Steve help you back to your small apartment. Everything was packed away in small suitcases, ready to be sent back to Brooklyn ahead of you. Steve was set to go back in a week with you to help you get settled and to get a break and grieve Bucky. The thought of returning home without Bucky killed you. This wasn’t how your guys story was supposed to end.

***

A few days before you and Steve were to leave, you were tying up loose ends with Peggy when Steve ran in. He was a sweaty mess and breathing hard. “We found him,” he breath taking both your shoulder and Peggy’s. “We found Zola and Schmidt.”

Within hours you and Steve had gotten into a pissing match about you going with him. Steve didn’t want you to go, he wanted you to stay and go home. It’s what Bucky would have wanted and he was right. Bucky would have wanted you stay and to go home, maybe get a place with his sister. But you didn’t care. You wanted to go and Steve coudln’t make you stay.

But there you were a few days later sneaking your way onto an aircraft. You ignored just about eveyrhing Steve and Peggy told you to do. You knew that they said it to keep you safe and to keep you pretty much alive. You knew you should have listened to them, but you didn’t want to. There was nothing here for you anymore. Everything you ever loved, was gone.

Forever.

So there you were, arguing with Steve about how to get you off the aircraft. An aircraft that was flying towards hundreds of people with a live bomb on board. There weren’t any parachutes for the both of you and there wasn’t a safe place for Steve to chuck you off at. So you were stuck there with him.

“You’re crazy you know that?” Steve walked away from you. He didn’t hide the fact that he was extremely upset with you. You could tell the whole time the two of you argued, you could see in his eyes and hear it in his voice–he thought he failed Bucky by not protecting you.

“What about you? Huh?” you caught up with Steve and over looked the mass ocean before you two. It was beautiful and it almost made you forget what you were doing.

“I’m doing my job,” Steve set his shield down and sat down. He took hold of the steering and began to figure out what to do next. You could see how the mission just disappeared from his eyes and a blank like expression replaced it.

“What?” you asked, standing next to him. Steve ignore you and got hold of the radio and flipped it on. Then he turned to you, took your hand in his hand placed it on the steering wheel. HIs hand under yours. “Steve?”

“Steve?! Y/N?!” Howards voice over the radio startled you. “Please tell you guys are landing that bird.”

Steve doens’t answer so you take the radio in your other hand. “We have no where to land, Howard. It looks like we might need to crash this thing.”

There was some static and then Peggys voice was clear as day. “Steve, Y/N,” her voice shook but there was a hint of that authoritative tone she always used. “You need to find a way out of that aircraft now. Howard will have a team ready to look for you.”

“We can’t do that,” Steve said. “We gotta do it together.”

You froze in place.

“Peggy?” Steve said her name so calmly that you almost missed a hint of sadness in it. “I may need to take a rain check on that dance.”

“Next week,” Peggy’s voice changed as well and all you could do was stare at Steve. “Don’t be late.”

“Maybe we can double date it?” you found yourself asking. Steve looked up at you. “What do you say, Howard? Steve and I walk away from this, we go dancing with them?”

“Absolutely,” Howards voice matched Peggy’s. “I’ll make sure you shine on that dance floor, Y/N. You’ll turn heads everywhere you go.”

“I can’t wait.”

Steve slowly nodded at you. You took that as your cue to gently press your hand down on the steering wheel. You felt the aircraft dip down further and further as you kept pushing the control down. Steve’s eyes never left yours and neither has yours.

“We will have a ball,” Howard’s voice seemed distant now. “Just walk out of this and stay–”

***

Steve pushed passed people and down halls. His heart was racing and he was terrified. This had to be HYDRA. This had to be some sort of trick and he needed to find you. The thought of you being held captive and alone, maybe being tortured like they did Bucky those years ago, it made him run even faster through the strange building.

Steve found himself outside. He was surrounded by even more stange buildings. The sounds that surround him, they’s loud and everywhere. Steve turned this way and that, trying to find something that was familiar to him.

Then Steve stopped.

A figure was walking towards him. A woman, dressed in tight fitted clothing. Her hair was pulled up and she wore a black cap on her head and sunglasses on her face. A voice behind her snaps and she turned around and snapped back at the voice. Ther was something familiar by the way she walked and talked. It almost reminded Steve of…

The woman took both her sunglasses and cap off. Steve just stared as the long dark hair hung around the womans shoulders. Her eyes held back tears but he could see the small smile in them. She stopped talking and tilted her head. Her eyes became pleading as she stared at Steve.

Then he saw it.

A small diamond ring hung on a chain around her neck. He’s seen that ring many times before. He was there when it was bought and when it was placed around your ring finger. Steve’s eyes snapped back up towards your face. Your lips twitched at it’s corners, almost pulling into a smile.

“Hey,” your voice rang in Steves ears. “You’re finally awake.”