Done with my last emergency room shift ever. Cheers to no more pelvic exams ever! I was always bad at finding the cervix and now Iāll never have to find one again.
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āAnd I learned this the hard way, a long, long time ago.ā
āI used to want to save the world, this beautiful place. But the closer you get, the more you see the great darkness within.ā
From the most recent Wonder Woman (2017) trailer.
Reminds me of residency. The further I get in my medical training, the uglier humanity becomes. Once in a while, thereās a little glimmer of hope, but only occasionally.
In third year, it took me anywhere from 15-30 minutes to do an ABG ... and then I didnāt even get it two out of the three times I tried (if I even had three opportunities to do one, I canāt remember).
Today as an intern, my newly admitted patient was becoming hypoxic and I ABGād him twice in the span of several hours, each time taking only a few minutes ... I was so scared (as I always am of procedures or sticks or anything remotely invasive) but no one else was going to do it so I swallowed my fear and just did it. And they were ABGs, not VBGs.
(And then of course within the next hour, we called an ACT and sent this patient to the ICU.)
But I digress. More baby steps.
I still donāt know anything, but maybe Iām less scared of doing ABGs now.
If only I could say the same for pulling central lines. Irrational, I know.
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earlier that day, my resident had paged the entire team that we were meeting in a certain room when only 1 person wasn't already in the room and i had commented on it then too
resident: i'm going to page you guys that we're meeting in this room even though we're all already here! hurrrrr
I love my team right now and I think we get along pretty fabulously, and this exchange was had today, post-call ...
Resident:Ā (extremely tired and looks dead) i'm so tired
Intern:Ā go drink some coffee
Resident:Ā ehh
Intern:Ā i can prescribe you some stimulants *waves prescription pad*Ā (note: 100% joking, we can't do that) or some beer? (apparently this is an order that we can put in for patients)
Resident:Ā i wish but i'm not a patient
Me: well, we could give you a reason to be admitted
*SILENCE AS THIS SINKS IN, I THINK NO ONE IS GOING TO RESPOND TO THIS QUIP*
Resident: WAT
Intern: (wasn't listening)Ā wait what did i miss???
Resident: she just said *repeats what i said*!!
Intern: HAHAHA nice
Resident: THAT'S NOT NICE AT ALL
Me and other med student on the team: lol
Resident:Ā that sounds slightly threatening
Call me Insanity Wolf Med Student. Clearly we are approaching the end of third year, I'm not as stressed and uptight as I was at the beginning of the year. I love my team, really!
Here's some advice from your 23-year-old self. Soon to be 24 years old (what the hell). Ten years ago you were still in middle school. At this time you don't know all the shit that's gonna go down on your Spring Break trip (one of the best times of your life even though you won't remember all the details anymore at this age), you still don't swear (it's SO liberating once you do), but whatever. Here's some spoilers for the rest of your 8th grade year: no, he doesn't like you and he never will - in fact he just got married this year at age 24 (crazy). Yes, HE does like you. It will never go anywhere. You will try in a few years, and you will be embarrassed temporarily when he wusses out and then come to the age-old conclusion that boys are dumb. (You will come to this conclusion many, many times during your life.) But that's not what I want to talk about. I want to give you (me) some advice for some of the bigger things that are going to affect your life.
Make sure your parents do not become too heavily involved in Chinese school politics. This may sound very weird as I know you love your social circle from that, but I want to spare you the grief that will follow you ten years from 2007. It will literally be two years out of your life that you will spend trying to emotionally numb yourself and then an additional two years once you move out that you throw yourself into making yourself even more emotionally numb and academically successful and then at the end of college you will realize you ended up with nothing but a degree and not enough life OR work experience.
Don't go to college early. I know this one is not something that I would probably be able to convince my 14-year-old freshman self of and you will probably do it anyway. I can say that this decision is actually one that turned out completely fine, except for the fact that you are essentially committing social suicide by doing so. The only way I'd let myself do it again is if I made myself get involved with extracurriculars and people - something you, an overly self-conscious and stupid 13-year-old girl, will probably not be willing to do. It's only around the age of 20-22 that you actually stop being completely mental (and are only slightly mental).
Remember that just because you are smart, you aren't better than anyone else.Ā Yeah you know what it's like right now being in PRISM and feeling totally inadequate? Well once you get to high school you're going to realize how smart you actually are, that you can write better than everyone else in your class, and you are going to think you're hot shit. Well here I am to tell you that you are so wrong. Your mom is going to tell you the same thing that I am telling you now and you are not going to believe her out of stubbornness but this is the ONE THING I will say she was right about. You think everyone else's life is going to suck, but this attitude is what is going to make YOUR life suck. (Except for that idiot in your 10th grade health class, he was actually dumb as a rock. Carry on.) You are going to spend your year as youth counselor at church (don't get me started on your church, we are no longer in that pit of despair) trying to convince the smart girls in your small group that just because they are in PRISM they aren't better and that the most important thing is for them to be good people, not smart people.
Your skin is going to get better.Ā You do not have polycystic ovarian syndrome despite your mother's paranoia. Your soon-to-be-doctor self is telling you this: your periods are regular so you definitely don't have PCOS. You just need to watch your diet a little more, but by saying this you're just going to go eat another bowl of chef boyardee to be the little piece of shit that you are. YOLO
ANYTIME SOMEONE YOU LIKE SAYS TO YOU THAT THEY WANT TO STAY FRIENDS DESPITE NOT WANTING TO DATE YOU, YOU HAVE TO SAY NO.Ā Whether or not they like you or not (yes people do like you) - you can't do it. Demand what you want. Stop being afraid to ask for what you want because you don't want to lose the possibility of getting what you want. I'm still working on this one. I'm really bad at following my own advice. #itscuzimadoctor Also that kid who you, at the age of 16, startlingly realize is sorta cute and then actually get to know once you're 19? He is never going to like you in that way so try to spare yourself the grief. I am speaking from the other side of having finally gotten over that and it is absolutely beyond wonderful on this side. Here's a segment from a book you're going to read before you apply to medical school:
Basch: Why donāt you ask her out? Donāt you like her?
Runt: Like her? Iām nuts about her. I dream about her. Sheās beautifulā¦.
Basch: So why donāt you ask her out?
Runt: Iām scared she won't like me and say no.
Basch: So what? What have you got to lose?
Runt: The possibility ā if she says no ā that she might have said yes. Whatever I do, I donāt want to lose that possibility.
Yeah I know it feels just like that but YOU CAN'T DO IT. I SERIOUSLY AM STRUGGLING WITH THIS TO THIS DAY LOL but you're going to be okay.
Stop pretending you want to play violin or piano and pick up hip hop dance or taekwondo orĀ singing lessons.Ā Your 23-year-old self is hoping she can do some of these things during her entirely elective fourth year of medical school.
"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there's something stronger - something better, pushing right back." ~ Albert Camus
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I don't think I want to come back to Seattle for residency. Right now I feel like the only things here for me are residual feelings of nostalgia and sadness and overall not super positive emotions.Ā
I think I'm a little afraid to write down "I don't want" instead of "I don't think I want" because that makes it so final. In my head I'm saying the former.
Also I actually need to start dieting. Which is terrible because it's the holidays and also going to NYC/Chicago in a week which means nonstop eating fml.
from my heart to you all (every paragraph is someone different) KOKORO KARA ... work in progress (keep checking back to see if i add more)
Thank you for valuing my friendship as much as you do. Part of the issue before was that I never felt that you did, and part of THAT was because I had unrealistic expectations/demands of how much you should value me. Now I know better. I read so many things in the first few months of our separation and something that I really needed then was this: "You cannot punish someone for not wanting you. You canāt shut someone out of your life andĀ hateĀ them because you are not the one that they chose. You canātĀ scold and ridicule and condemn. You have to accept and move forward and understand. You have to learn." And I have learned. And this resonates with me so much.Ā
The holidays are coming up and in 4 weeks I'm going to be going home for the first time in a long time. And it's really weird. I'm sort of like. I don't know what I'm going to do there. I don't live there anymore. It's home, but it's not MY home anymore. I don't have a life there. My life is here. At school. In this city that I never thought I could ever call home. Maybe bringing my car here was sealing the deal. It probably was.
My friends at home have their own lives. They have different friends. As do I. All in all, none of this bothers or worries me, it's just something different and I am coming to that realization. That I didn't imagine. Last year my life was all about being at home away from home, and now I'm going on vacation to an essentially foreign place that I used to call home.
Not having had the going-away-for-college experience this is totally new for me. I'm not sure how the transition post-med-school is going to go as people are going to go off to different places for residency ... some stability would be nice, but I guess I didn't exactly sign up for that when I chose medicine as my career.
"Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?" -C.S. Lewis
I wish tumblr did cuts like livejournal used to. I just want to compress this next bit because it's a bit long ... ugh. Anyway, this year on January 20th I filed away the following post into my tumblr drafts:
Really, there's no good reason for me to feel this way. Pretty much everything in my life is lined up for me (I just gotta keep working, and that motivation is a little hard to grasp right now hurr durr). I do my work.
But there's nothing that brings me much joy. There's no one here I want to see (maybe one person, but even that is precarious because as soon as we talk about school I'm out of there).
We had a panel about student mental wellness the other day, and we had a couple students and staff talk to us about their problems. The resident talked about how during med school and residency, she would go into bathrooms and just cry. And how it didn't really affect her performance in school/work, but just still overwhelming. or something. Listening to her, I feel awful because I felt like everything I was feeling was not to the same degree as her but still felt like I had the same feeling.
I CAN'T TELL IF I'M FEELING THIS WAY BECAUSE I (1) DON'T WANT TO DO WORK RIGHT NOW (2) HATE FEELING NOTHING SO I MAKE MYSELF FEEL SAD (3) ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME (4) all these things are indicative that something is wrong.
So ... That was a little over 9 months ago. Which is really frightening. "Today I said that I don't like weekends." "There's nothing that brings me much joy." There are also a number of other posts in my drafts in the 2-3 months surrounding this post that are similarly melancholic and mopey ... all because of one thing that is no longer a problem at all.
At this point in my life I am always counting down the days to the weekends. TGIF?? TGIF!!!!!!!! I'm not alone all the time anymore. I LOVE WEEKENDS. I get to see people. Sometimes I don't even sleep in until noon because then I'm doing things (at like 10am ... 9am is too much sry2say) with people.
Back in January ... maybe even through to March and April ... I never thought I would get out of that emotional rut. Yet here I am.
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me: 23yo asian female with questionable hx of 2 years of preclinical education now immediately s/p extensive presentation on a patient about serotonin syndrome vs. neuroleptic malignant syndrome vs. other myopathies in the setting of third year medical school
senior resident: so what other diagnosis in neurology do you want to think about that's characterized by fever?
me: UHHH *blanks out completely*
senior resident: *turns to intern* what do you think it is?
intern: *no response*
PGY-2 (or 3? unclear): *attempting to mouth answer to me, i can't understand*
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