GG

Grian: I’d like to live through a week that’s not a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

Scar: Don’t you have any dignity, Grian? Grian: Uh, no.

Scar: Grian is not allowed to violate the dress code, even on 'casual' Fridays. Scar: No matter how many times you say please, Grian. We won't put any of the hats you've been asking about into the dress code.

Scar, playing a video game: This game is so frustrating! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! Grian: Ok, I think it’s time to turn off the game for a little while. Scar: But I’m having fun!

Grian: Did you ever have like a pet run away and find it or anything? Scar: I had a lizard that I burnt.

Scar: They couldn't find their way out of a paper bag. Grian: That's not true! I found my way out of a paper bag yesterday!

Grian: Scar, I think we have a problem. Scar: What, the fire? Grian: No, the- wait, what fire? Scar: Oh forget about it, this sounds more interesting.

Scar: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment…at all? Grian: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.

Scar: English is CRAZY. Oregano is both a spaghetti leaf topping and a form of paper art! Grian: What is this "paper art" you speak of? Scar: That shit where you make cranes and stuff out of folded paper! Grian: … Scar.

Scar: We are not mad. We are just disappointed. Grian: No, we are mad. Scar: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide. Grian: No, we’re not! Scar: I am not a mind reader, Grian!

Scar: If this plan goes down the drain, where should we regroup? Grian: The afterlife, I guess.

Grian: How was your day, Scar? Scar: Yeah, fine, it's anti-bullying week at school. Grian: Oh? And what does that mean? Scar: It means I can't bully anyone for a whole week.

Scar: What's this? Grian, hugging Scar: Affection! Scar: Disgusting. Scar: …Do it again.

Scar: You use humor to deflect your trauma. Grian: Awww, thanks- Scar: That’s not a good thing. Grian: All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny.

Scar: I need a long word. Grian: T-rex but the long one.

Grian: Just wondering, did you get any sleep? Scar: Did I get any… leap? Grian: What…?

Grian: That's a nice arguement, Scar Why don't you back it up with a source? Scar: My source is that I made it the fuck up!

Scar: Grian, I screwed up, big time. Grian: Scar, given your daily life experiences, you’re gonna have to be more specific.

Grian: closes a cabinet a crash is heard behind the cabinet door Scar: What was that? Grian: The sound of someone else's problem.

Grian: I can't take you seriously wearing that. Scar: Aw, you take me seriously at all? Grian: Fair point.

Scar: And what do I get out of this? Grian: I will give you a dollar. Scar: What do you think I am? A chump? I would never do it for a dollar! Grian: How bout two dollars? Scar: You got yourself a deal.

Grian, looking at a map: It’s a barren, featureless wasteland out there, isn't it? Scar: Other side, Grian…

Grian: As a responsible adult- Scar: chuckles Grian: … As a responsible adult—

Grian: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!? Scar: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.

Scar: Holy shit, Grian, do you know what this means?! Grian: Kid, whenever you start doing this, nobody knows what you mean.

Scar: Hey, are you free? Grian: No, I’m expensive.

Grian: Wow, did you hear that voice crack? Scar: That wasn't a voice crack, that was a whole voice meth.

Scar: We all have our demons. Scar, grabbing Grian: This one’s mine.

Scar: I only have 6 weeks left to live. Grian: Oh my god, really?! Scar: It's just a guesstimate based on the choices I've made.

Grian: You gave me up, you let me down, you turned around, and deserted me. Scar: But did I make you cry? Grian: cries on the spot Scar: …Shit.

Grian: You know, I used to play back in my gory days. Scar: You mean glory days? Grian: Ah, that too.

Grian: The joy of hanging out with Scar. You look away for 5 seconds to make sure something is set up correctly, and they bite the tip of a marker off.

Scar: Would it be discrimination to only hire employees at my doughnut shop who have the same name? Grian: Legally, I don't believe that breaches any discrimination laws. Morally though… I don't know. Scar: I believe god is on my side when it comes to Duncans' Doughnuts.

Grian: Scar, are you okay?! Scar: I told you to stop asking stupid questions!

Grian: Can we talk? One 10 to another? Scar: I’m an 11, but continue.

Scar: Grian… you've been cuddling with me for over and hour now. Grian: muffled mm hmmm :) Scar: Fuck. I should be annoyed but you're adorable.

Scar: Wow, that was quick thinking on that phony sacrifice stuff. Grian: Oh, that was all real. Scar: Wait, you were trying to help them kill us?! Grian: If I’m gonna be sacrificed, I’m gonna do it right.

Grian, gently nudging Scar aside with their foot: Scar, move out of the way so I don’t trip on you. Scar, their eyes enormous: You kick Scar? You kick their body like the football? Oh! Oh! Jail for Grian! Jail for Grian for one thousand years!

While planning to break in somewhere Scar: Hey, let's do "Get Help!" Grian: What? Scar: "Get Help." Grian: No. Scar: C'mon, you love it! Grian: I hate it. Scar: It's great! It works every time! Grian: It's humiliating. Scar: Do you have a better plan? Grian: No. Scar: We're doing it! Grian: We are not doing "Get Help!" A Minute Later Scar, carrying Grian: Get help! Please! They're dying! Help Them! throws Grian at guards, knocking them out Scar: Ahh, classic! Grian: gets up I still hate it. It's humiliating. Scar, laughing: Not for me, it's not.

Scar: Did you know spiders can hold 8 guns at once? Grian: How does it WALK?? Scar: Scar: Did you know spiders can hold 7 guns at once?

Scar: Knock, knock. Grian: Who's there? Scar: Boo! Grian: Boo who? Scar: Why are you crying? Grian: I'm not crying. Scar: Hello notcrying, I'm Scar.

Scar, near tears: I have the sex appeal of a math book! Grian: I don’t know, dude, I’ve never met anyone that opened a math book and didn’t say “fuck me”.

Grian: Sorry it took so long to bail you out of jail. Scar: No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have used my phone call to prank call the police station.

Scar: I hate you. Grian: Well, according to this picture I drew of us holding hands, that is untrue.

Scar: Hey, wanna hear a funny joke? Grian: I only like dark humor. Scar, turning the lights off: What do you call a fake noodle? Grian: Scar: An IMPASTA!

Scar: plays shreksophone Scar: Woo. Scar: Time to listen to this on loop for all eternity. Grian: …Genius coping mechanism my friend

Grian: I’m so tired. Scar: Did you get to bed late? Grian: No. Scar: Did you do something strenuous? Grian: No. Scar: Then why are you tired? Grian: I’m alive. Scar: Sounds exhausting.

Scar: I’m taking a look at your numbers, and it doesn’t look good. You have a lot of measurements. Quite a few variables. Grian: Is that… bad? Scar: Variables are the #1 risk factor for outcomes. The past is a big contributor to the future. Grian: Isn’t that just causality? Scar: Causality is the leading cause of death in this country. Grian: So what are my odds? Scar: Do you have a family history? Grian: Of what? Scar: Just, in general. Grian: …Yes? Scar: Oh no.

Kidnapper: I have one of your friends. Scar: Which one? I have seven. Kidnapper: The loud, annoying, rowdy one who never shuts up. Scar: Which one? I have seven. Grian, distantly: HEY!!!

Scar: Don’t be sad! Grian: Why not? Scar: Scar: I don’t have a good answer.

Grian: Silence is golden. Scar: Duct tape is silver.

Grian: Are you okay? Scar, crying: Yeah, it was just the onions. Grian: Picks up an onion What the fuck did you say to Scar?

Scar: I assume you realize that this kind of idiocy will not be tolerated in this house. Grian: Is there any kind of idiocy you would be more comfortable with?

Scar: You’re not gonna shoot a puppy, are you Grian!? Grian: Yeah, in the face, why?

Grian: Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween! Scar: That doesn't exist. Grian: Not with that attitude.

Scar: In the past year you have managed to piss off the LAPD, ATF, CIA, FBI- Grian: NBA. Scar: …? Grian: Snuck into a Cliffords game.

Scar: There's something I have to ask about you-know-who. Grian: Voldemort? Scar: No. Grian: Is it Voldemort? Scar: It's not Voldemort. Grian: You haven’t mentioned wizards once this conversation, so I’m gonna have to assume it’s Voldemort.

Scar: Who's in charge here? Grian, shrugging: Usually whoever yells the loudest.

Grian, talking to Scar: With all due respect, which is none…

Scar: Hey do you wanna hang out this weekend? Grian: Generic excuse. Scar: I can’t believe you said that out loud, to my face. Grian: I can.

Scar, on the phone: Where are you? Grian: I told you, I’m at work Scar: Swear you’re not at Chuck E Cheese again? skee ball machine alarm goes off in the background

Scar: When we get back, I'm going to step on you! Grian: Okay, as much as I might enjoy that, Scar–

Grian: If we lose, you’re out of the will. Scar: I was in the will?

Scar: What do you want to be for Halloween? Grian: Yours. Scar: Scar: …yeah, that would be pretty scary.

Grian: Talk dirty to me, baby~ Scar: The dishes. Grian: Wh- Scar: They’ve been there for 4 days and it’s your turn to wash them. You still haven’t cleaned them and I have asked you to do so several times.

Grian: I'm trash. Scar: As someone who's environmentally conscious, it's my duty to pick you up. Does 7 work for you? Grian: Grian: You smooth motherfucker. Grian: And yes it does.

Scar: I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Grian: Damn, that sounds like a marriage proposal. Scar, getting down on one knee: That's 'cause it is.

Grian: Do you have a superpower? Scar: Yep! It’s hindsight. Grian: …that’s not going to help us. Scar: Yes, I see that now.

Grian: When I first met you, I did not like you. Scar: I'm aware of that. Grian: But then you and I had some time together. Scar: Uh-huh? Grian: It did not get better.

Scar: I’m serious! They’re watching me! They’ve even got an agent following me! Don’t you believe me? Grian: Look, it’s not that I don’t believe you… It’s that I don’t believe you and I don’t care.

Scar, holding a toy lightsaber: I’m Darth Vader! Grian: I’m done with everyone’s bullshit.

Grian: I feel awful about killing you. Scar: Grian: Even though technically you never even died, so I don’t know what you’re bitching about.

Scar to Grian: Turn that frown upside-down! a little while later Scar: What are you doing? Grian, trying to do a handstand: You told me to “turn that frown upside-down” but it’s not working .

Grian: Why are we friends? Scar: Poor decisions on your part.

Scar: Grian! I thought you were dead! Grian: No, just in deep cover. Scar: …But it was an open casket. Grian: It was very deep.

Grian: Can you name a single city in Oklahoma? Scar: Oklahoma City, bitch!

Scar: Grian, I need some advice. Grian: You need advice from ME? Scar: Yeah, frightening, isn't it?

Scar: You don’t deserve me. Grian: At your worst or your best? Scar: I don’t have a worst. Grian: Because you’re already at your worst?

Grian: I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that's two of the big five licenses. Scar: The big five licenses? Grian: Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, and… license to kill! I can't wait to get that one.

Grian: I’m a reverse necromancer. Scar: Isn’t that just killing people? Grian: Ah, technically.

Grian: Hey! Scar: What do you want? Grian: Remember what we were talking about yesterday? Scar: Nope.

Scar: Why are you late? Grian: A technical error occurred, causing an unexpectedly long bout of unconsciousness. Scar: Overslept? Grian: Overslept.

Grian: Hugs Scar from behind Grian: Tucks Scar's hair behind their ear Grian, whispering: Eat all the frosted animal crackers again and they'll never find your body.

Grian: When we get back, I'm going to step on you! Scar: Okay, as much as I might enjoy that, Grian–

Grian, texting: O Scar: What? Grian: Don’t read into that. Scar: But I will read into that. Grian: HOW?! IT’S A LETTER! Scar: Why is there a space after it, hmmmmm? Grian: Dude, really? Grian: It’s a fucking letter. Scar: It could stand for something! Grian: IT DOESN’T, I PROMISE! Scar: Like Oppression! Or worse… Grian: Dude, I just typed the letter O, that means nothing. :/ Scar: Optometrist. Grian: Oh my God…

Scar: I hate to disagree with you, but- Grian: Please, you love to disagree with me. Its your favorite thing to do.

Grian: Two wrongs don’t make a right. Scar: sighs That’s true… Scar: But to negatives make a positive!!!

Scar: Go to hell! Grian: Oh! I’ve been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.

Scar: working in a flower shop and minding their own business Grian, storming into the store and slapping $20 on the counter: HOW DO I PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY SAY “FUCK YOU” IN FLOWER???

Grian, on the phone: I better go…kay, call me later… byeeee! Scar: Friend of Yours? Grian: Nope, wrong number. Scar: ???

Grian: You have an impressive pain tolerance. Scar: Thanks, it's the trauma.

Grian: Tell them to eat shit, Scar. Scar: Tell them yourself. Grian: Eat shit, asshole. Fall of your horse.

Scar: Do you want to be the Sun in my life? Grian: Yes. Scar: Good, then stay 92,935,700 miles away from me :)

Scar and Grian playing minecraft Scar: Oh no, oh no, oh no- Grian: What’s wrong? Scar: I did a thing. Grian: You regret the thing you dID- Scar: screams Grian: What the fuck did you do- sees mass of aggravated Piglin Damn it- Scar: screams again

Scar: Breaking News, Grian has disappointed us.

Grian: So I have made the decision to trust you. Scar: A horrible decision, really.

Scar: Don't go to the kitchen. Grian: Why? Scar: I saw a spider. Grian: Well, did you kill it? Scar: It has 8 arms and I only have 2, it's not fair…

Grian: Wow, it sure smells like wrong dog in here! Scar: Oh buddy… Grian, already sobbing: ASK.

Scar: If bees can be fish and boys can be girls, then why can't my dad love me? Grian: I thought I was going to have to yell at you, but now I think I should hug you.

Grian: I wouldn’t wish that upon my worse enemy! Grian: Unless of course. . We’re talking about my enemy, Scar. Fuck you Scar, you know what you did!

Grian: Are you good? Scar: In what sense? Grian: Generally. Scar: Oh, definitely not.

Scar: Wait you like me? For my personality? Grian: I know, I was surprised too.

Grian: I'm not mean. Name one mean thing I’ve ever done. Scar: When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real. Grian: They're not. Scar: Haha, very funny. Grian: I'm serious. Didn't you hear? Scar: No… what happened? Grian: …Why would you fall for this again-

Grian: Why are you on fire? Scar: This is just how my day is going.

Grian: DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT JOKE WAS FUNNY? IT WASNT. NOBODY IS LAUGHING. Grian: pulls up a graph THIS IS WHEN YOU TOLD YOUR JOKE, YOU HAVE SINGLE HANDEDLY RUINED COMEDY! IVE ALSO ASKED MANY COMEDY SCHOLARS ON THEIR OPINION OF YOUR JOKE AND THIS IS WHAT THEY HAD TO SAY! Scar: I've been researching comedy for the past 20 years, and I have genuinely never seen a joke this bad. We have used quantum physics to look into alternate universes to see every joke made, and yours was still by far the worst. Grian: CONGRATULATIONS! YOUVE SINGLE HANDEDLY CREATED THE WORST JOKE IN HUMAN HISTORY! HERES A MEDAL! pulls up a horrible ms paint drawn star that says "you need help

Grian: I believe in you, Scar! Scar, to themself: God, I must suck. The nicest thing Grian can think to say to me is that they don’t doubt my existence.

Grian: Last night, I had a dream about sandwich pizza. Scar: What? Grian: It was pizza with bread on the top and the bottom. Scar: So a calzone? Grian: You can’t just name things I dream up.

Scar: Good morning! Grian: Is it? Is it really?

Scar: Grian just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then they reached down and untied my shoe.

Grian: But that’s censorship. Scar: Well done. You are correct. You’re being censored. Now go.

Scar: So I was just having a conversation with Grian about Star Wars; particularly, about the choice of architecture. The amount of people who die from falling down bottomless pits is TOO DAMN HIGH! Like, who designs architecture like this? Catwalks with no guard rails whatsoever, just zigging and zagging through enormous voids. Giant holes to nowhere! Grian: It's by design. It's a cleaner look, for a more elegant time. Scar: Like… who the fuck put this hole here???? And why???? Grian: Exhaust? Scar: Darth Maul falls down a hole, Palpatine falls down a hole, Solo falls down a hole, everyone falls down a hole! Star Wars universe needs OSHA. Grian: Luke falls down a hole, Boba Fett falls down a hole… Scar: Yes, yes, I forgot about those! R2-D2 falls down a hole in the Millenium Falcon after he fixes the hyperdrive. Grian: We're onto something here! Scar: Obi-Wan almost falls down a hole. Grian: C-3PO falls off the barge into the sand. Pretty close to falling down a hole. Scar: His lightsaber does though. Grian thinks hard about what other Star Wars Characters fall down holes Scar: What if the hole is symbolic? The hole represents the dark side. Grian: Nah, doesn't work. Luke chooses to fall down the hole instead of joining Vader/The Dark Side. Scar: Fair point.

Grian: How long do you think it'll take? Scar: I don’t know, three or four. Grian: Three or four what? Days? Weeks? Months? Scar: Yeah, maybe five. Grian: Five what?!

Scar: Ah shit, I forgot. Grian: Forgot what? Scar: How do you expect me to answer that?

Scar: Why do you think I don’t like you? I do. I would kill for you. Scar: Ask me to kill for you. Grian: …First of all, calm down-

Grian: Being half asleep and feeling someone gently plant a kiss on your forehead is one of the purest kinds of love in the world. Scar: Unless you're home alone.

Scar: My goal is not to be the best, but to inspire someone enough to one day surpass me. Grian: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT EVERY TIME YOU BEAT ME AT CONNECT FOUR!

Grian: Act natural. Scar: For this kind of situation, the most natural thing would be to panic, so technically I can panic. Grian: NO, that’s not what I meant! Act like it’s a normal day! Scar: My ‘normal’ days of late, consist of a lot of panic. Grian: Will you just cooperate? Scar: When a person is panicking, they are not apt to cooperate very well!

Scar: venting endlessly to Grian about their week Grian, every once in a while: in a monotone Wow, that is so wild.

Grian: A banker? Me? Scar: Yes, Grian. Grian: But I don’t know anything about running a bank! Scar: Good. No preconceived ideas. Grian: I’ve robbed banks! Scar: Capital! Just reverse your thinking. The money should be on the inside.

Scar: Why would I flip my shit about that? Grian: Because you flip your shit about everything. Scar: Well, will you look at this. Here is my shit, and yet it remains unflipped. Just sitting there on the skillet, getting burned on one side. It’s a miracle.

Grian: I have lots of friends! Scar: Name one. Grian: Well, there’s- Scar: Name one you haven’t gotten incredibly angry at. Grian: Hey, that’s not fair, then there isn’t any!

Grian: I have to say, I'm a little embarrassed for you. Scar: This is a sports-related injury. It makes me look cool! Grian: Tripping over a basketball on your way to the bathroom is not cool!

Scar: I could kill you if I wanted. Grian: Yeah? So could any other human being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. You aren't special.

Grian: in a jail cell What about my Miranda rights!? You’re supposed to say I have ‘the right to remain silent’”! NOBODY SAID I HAD THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT! Scar: in the cell next to them You have the right to remain silent, what you lack is the capacity.

Scar: nudges Grian at 3am Pretty fucked up that we depict the moon as a girl and the sun as a boy. They're just floating rocks in space. Grian? Wake up, Grian! Listen! They're sexless! Grian: The sun isn't a rock, go back to sleep.

Scar: Heyyy Grian, how’s your… drink?? Grian: What do you mean drink? It’s coffee. Scar: You sure?? Looks to coffee maker Grian: Looks to coffee maker Cement sitting beside the coffee maker Grian:…I’m on my third fucking drink right now, I should be dead.

Scar: Wanna get out of here and grab a bite to eat. Grian: I don’t usually eat with losers. Scar: Neither do I but I asked you, didn’t I?

Scar: Hey, Grian, do you have feelings for me? Grian: Yeah, anger.

Scar: I can’t believe we have to be stuck in this room together! Grian, swallowing the key: Truly unfortunate.

Scar: Dammit, you ruin everything! Grian: You're welcome.

Grian: This is Scar, they’re… not my assistant, some other word. Scar: I’m their carer. Grian: Yeah, my carer. They care so I don’t have to.

Scar: You’ve got to learn to love yourself. Grian: But don't you hate yourself. Scar: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

Scar: Pineapples are— Grian: —IN MY HEAD! Scar: Wrong.

Grian: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment…at all? Scar: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.

Scar, talking to Grian: They're trying to lure me into a false sense of security! Well, joke’s on them! I’ve never been secure in my life! And I’m not about to start now!

Grian: I eat cheerios because they’re heart healthy. Grian: And my heart has been severely damaged, so Scar, if you’re out there—

Scar: We’re all in this together. If one of us falls, we all fall. Nobody is expendable on this team. Grian: Sounds fake but ok.

Scar: BWWAAAAAAAAAA! Oh, you hear that? That's the wrong opinion alarm. Grian: That is not something you actually have installed. Scar: Sorry, say again? I couldn't hear you over my alarm that YOU SET OFF with your WRONG-ASS OPINION.

Grian, ordering Starbucks: Hey, I just got my heart broken, what do you recommend? Scar, who’s running the drive thru: … Scar: Tequila.

Scar: You can do it Grian! Scar: But if you can't, at least your death will be quick, painless, and really cool to watch.

Scar: casually taking four stairs at a time Grian, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-

Scar: Grian, I am nothing if not a man of principle. Scar: Now let’s break into this apartment.

Grian: When I die I want Scar to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.

Scar: One time I went to hand Grian a bowl of soup. I wanted to say “Careful, it’s hot!”, and “Here’s your soup!”, so instead I blurted out “Careful it’s soup.”

Scar: I have an idea. Grian: A good idea? Scar: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Scar: I hate to say ‘I told you so’— Grian: No, you don’t. You would marry 'I told you so’ and have a baby with it and buy adjoining burial plots.

Grian: Fine! I don't give a shit! Scar: You seem to give a lot of shit for someone who claims not to give a shit.

Scar: If there are no questions, we’ll move on to the next chapter. Grian: I have a question. Scar: Certainly, Grian. What is it? Grian: What’s the point of human existence? Scar: I meant any questions about the subject at hand. Grian: Oh. Grian: Frankly, I’d like to have the issue resolved before I expend any more energy on this.

Scar: You… you saved me. You're not a beast at all. YOU'RE A HERO, AN UGLY UGLY UGLY HERO! Grian: Call me ugly again, and maybe I will eat you.

Scar: Your Honor, I hereby submit the following to the court: Scar: Grian, what the actual FUCK?

Scar: Grian, can I ask you a question? Grian: Sure, anything. Scar: Why don't you go back to your own house and leave us alone?

Grian: Go big or go home! Scar: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home. Grian: I'm going big!

Scar, playing a video game: This game is so frustrating! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! Grian: Ok, I think it’s time to turn off the game for a little while. Scar: But I’m having fun!

Grian: What are you up to today? Scar: Nothing. Grian: But you did that yesterday! Scar: I wasn’t finished.

Scar: I got an idea! Grian: Does it involve breaking the law? Scar: By now don’t you think that’s a given? Grian: I was just trying to be optimistic. Scar: Don’t bother.

Grian: What’s your greatest weakness? Scar: Interpreting the semantics of a question, but ignoring the pragmatics. Grian: Could you give an example? Scar: Yes, I could.

Grian: Scar… Scar: I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck.

Grian: I wish I had more enemies. Scar: I’m sure you will someday, honey.

Scar: You have an impressive pain tolerance. Grian: Thanks, it's the trauma.

Scar: Where are you going? Grian: To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I'll decide on the way.

Grian: Scar, no. Scar: Scar, yes.

Scar: Do I least have a chance to explain myself? Grian: This is America, so nope! Scar: This isn't America, this is OHIO!

Scar: How do ethical philosophers feel about murder? Grian: Well, it’s frowned upon. Scar: Okay, but what if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? Scar: That’s okay, right?

Scar: Grian, this morning, I called you abhorrent and reprehensible, and I’d like to withdraw that statement- Grian: Aww, thanks- Scar: But I can't. Those are the 2 words that best describe you.

Grian: Remain CALM! slaps Scar multiple times

Scar: My head hurts. Grian: That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

Grian, in the hospital: Will you visit me when I get out? Scar: Lol nah, I hate graveyards.

Grian: Would anyone know any good vendors for professional-quality brass knuckles? Scar: I know you’re serious, but you say the scariest shit sometimes.

Grian: Can I have your number? Scar, visible texting: I don't have a phone.

Scar: I wanna sleep for 40 hours. Grian: You know that's called a coma, right? Scar: Scar: That sounds so refreshing, I could totally go for a light coma right now.

Grian: You are, of course, wondering why it is I have brought you here tonight. Scar: Actually, Grian, after all these years, I just sort of go with it.

Grian: Try not to roll your eyes at me. Scar: I don't have pupils.

Grian: Hey. Scar: pissed off You… complete …ASS, Grian! You show up here after WEEKS, and you say “hey”?!

Scar: I love hearing Grian shouting at someone else. It makes such a nice change.

Scar: Any idiot would know that. Grian: I knew that! Scar: See?

Grian: I know this isn’t going to end well and I don’t care. So don’t you try and stop me, Scar! Scar: I wasn’t stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this.

Grian, looking at their reflection: Now, that's rubbish. Who's that supposed to be? Scar: Well, that's you. Grian: Me?! Is that what I look like? Scar: You don't know? Grian: Busy day.

Scar: hiding something in their coat I think we should adopt another kid! Grian: No. Scar: Why not? Grian: Because when you say “kid”, you mean “cat”, and we already have fifteen of those. Scar: unzips coat Sixteen.

Grian: Breaking News, Scar has disappointed us.

Grian: You are an absolute fucking dork. Scar, singing: Yeah, but I'm your dork! Grian: sighs Yeah, you're my dork.

Scar: You know how some people consider “may you have an interesting life” to be a curse? Grian: Yes…? Scar: Fuck those people. Wanna have an adventure?

Scar: I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows. Grian: I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts.

Scar: Okay, two person huddle. Grian: You can't huddle with two people. This is just a hug.

Grian: I couldn't do this without you, Scar. Scar: Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course.

Grian: CHARACTER. FLAWS. ARE. FUCKING. IMPORTANT. Scar: Me when someone tells me to stop eating mayo packets like they’re gogurt tubes.

Grian: What's gone wrong, Scar? Scar: Hey! That’s one hell of a thing to say to a person. Just because I’m calling doesn’t mean there’s a crisis. Grian: That’s technically true, I suppose. Why are you calling? Scar: Well… There’s a crisis.

Grian: I know one person who finds me funny! Scar: Okay, who?… and you can't say yourself! Grian: Okay then I'm out.

Scar: What are amphetamines? Grian: Drugs that can go on land and water. Scar: Ohhhh.

Scar: What’s your favorite color? Grian: Stop asking stupid questions. Ask me something logical and mature. Scar: How many moles of sodium bicarbonate are needed to neutralize 0.8ml of sulfuric acid at STP? Grian: My favorite color is pink.

Scar: How do you want your coffee? Grian: Black, like my soul. Scar: Scar: Grian, your soul is a latte.

Grian: There's nothing to do…. Scar: You can wash the dishes you promised to wash about a week ago. Grian: pulls out their phone Nevermind.

Grian: Do you even have a plan? Scar: This is the plan! I break you out, chaos, destruction, something something something, we win! Grian: Oh, of course, the old “something something something we win”. That’s a terrible plan!

Scar: I am 39 cheetos tall. Grian: Why… are you measuring your height in cheetos? Scar: Because we're out of doritos.

Scar: Life is like Grian. It's short.

Scar: I’d kill someone if you asked me to. Grian: I’m pretty sure you’d kill someone even if I didn’t ask you to.

Grian: If I die first, promise to wait up for me, okay, Scar? Scar: Oh, Grian. When I die, I’m taking you with me. Grian: I can’t tell if that’s a threat or a compliment. Scar: I’d think of it more as a grim inevitability.

Grian: Did you win? Or just not die? Grian: Either way, hooray. Scar: …Is "no" a valid answer? Grian: The hooray is redacted and you frighten me.

Scar: Help, someone at prom has been killed! Grian: Calm down, we don't need you to Panic! At the Disco.

Scar: How are you gonna carve a gigantic pumpkin? Grian: The same way I make onion rings! Grian: grabs a chainsaw

Grian: Scar, you're an asshole, man. Scar: You are what you eat Grian.

Scar: So, you lied to me? Grian: That depends on how you define lying. Scar: Well, I define it as not telling the truth. How do you define it? Grian: Um, reclining your body in a horizontal position?

Grian: "Go hang a salami" backwards is "I'm a lasagna hog". Scar: How did either of those sentences occur naturally for you to discover this?

Scar: Seriously, Grian, how many people would you have killed if we’d asked you to? Grian: That’s not important Scar: I DISAGREE.

Scar: Come on, Grian! How any times do I have to apologize? Grian: Once! Scar: …No.

Grian: I called you like ten times! Why didn’t you pick up? Scar: remembers dancing to the ringtone Scar: I didn’t hear it.

Grian: Scar, if you don't shut up I'm going to throw myself out of the car. click Grian: DID YOU JUST TURN THE FUCKING CHILDRENS' LOCK ON?!

Scar: Who's in charge here? Grian, shrugging: Usually whoever yells the loudest.

Grian: If this plan goes down the drain, where should we regroup? Scar: The afterlife, I guess.

Scar: Would anyone know any good vendors for professional-quality brass knuckles? Grian: I know you’re serious, but you say the scariest shit sometimes.

Grian: Do we have any orange juice left? Scar: pours the remaining juice into their cup Scar: Sorry, we’re all out.

Scar: Hey Grian, check out this funny .GIF I found! Grian: It’s pronounced “jif”. Scar: Huh? Grian: “Dot jif”, like the peanut butter. The creator said so. Scar: That’s dumb, it’s Graphics Interchange Format. Grian: The P in .JPEG stands for “photographic”, but I bet you don’t say “J-pheg”. Scar: “P” on its own isn’t pronounced like “F”, that’s totally different! Grian: It’s exactly the same! Scar: Name one word that starts with “G” pronounced like “J”. Grian: Gentrification. Scar: Shoot, should have thought of that. I was just in San Francisco. Grian: For your logic to be consistent, you’d have to say “skuh-bah” (scuba) or “lah-seer” (laser)! Scar: Yeah? Well, you’d have to say “J-pej”! Scar: …Wait, “laser” is an acronym? Grian: Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation. Scar: Huh. Didn’t know that. Scar: You’re still wrong, though. Grian: You just hate me because I’m right. Scar: I just hate you in general. Grian: You mean in “geh-neral”? Scar: Ugh, I’m “joing” to kill you!

Grian: Someone’s trying to break in. Call the cops! Scar: loads shotgun I got this. Grian: Last week you fell up the stairs, what do you mean-

Scar: Okay, Grian, you were right! I was… Less right!

Scar: Grian, wake up! Grian, half asleep: Five more minutes… Scar: You’ve been in a coma for two years! Grian: … Grian: Okay, two more minutes…

Grian: Shut it Scar, I only shook your hand because I had to. We will NEVER be friends. Scar: Lets survive this together! Grian: I HOPE YOU DIE.

Scar: What’s your biggest fear? Grian: I am incredibly arachnophobic. Scar, under their breath: You don’t want spiders to get married?

Grian: chokes on something Scar: Jeez, Grian, don't die on us. Grian: Don't tell me what to do, I'll die whenever the hell I want!

Grian and Scar are texting Grian: Who are you? Someone changed the names in my phone. Scar: What did they change my name to? Grian: Chosen One. Scar: Don’t change it back. Grian: BUT WHO ARE YOU?!?! Scar: I’m the chosen one.

Scar: Are you mad? Grian: No. Scar: So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby?

Grian: Alright, listen up you little shits. Grian: Not you Scar. You’re an angel and we’re thrilled you’re here.

Scar: According to the footage here, you shook the vending machine and when the shake alarm went off, you punched the glass and broke it. Grian: …I was hungry.

Grian: Don’t you have any dignity, Scar? Scar: Uh, no.

Grian: Do you want this handful of moss? Scar: Why would I want a handful of fucking moss? Grian: Damn, you could’ve just said no.

Scar: Your problem is that you’ve got no common sense. Grian: I’ve got plenty of common sense! Grian: I just choose to ignore it.

Scar: I’m serious! They’re watching me! They’ve even got an agent following me! Don’t you believe me? Grian: Look, it’s not that I don’t believe you… It’s that I don’t believe you and I don’t care.

Scar: Grian keeps forgetting which WiFi network they're supposed to use. Scar: So I renamed ours to "Grian, use this one" to help them out a little.

Grian: Please, Scar, after everything we’ve been through together. You can’t do this. Grian: I’m sorry Scar. Grian: I’m begging you. Don’t do it. Scar: It has to be done. Grian: Scar: Grian: Scar: Places +4 Uno.

Scar: Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad single life? Grian: It actually does.

Grian: Amazing! Scar, your just like Sherlock Homeless! Scar: IT'S HOLMES!

Grian: I taught the dog a new trick. throws ball Fetch! Dog: just stands there Scar: He didn’t do it. Grian: I taught him to ignore social conventions and think for himself.

Grian: What the hell is wrong with you? Scar: I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself but still think I’m better than everyone else.

Grian: Do you have a superpower? Scar: Yep! It’s hindsight. Grian: …that’s not going to help us. Scar: Yes, I see that now.

Scar, singing: He's making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's on thin fucking ice Grian, also singing: Santa Claus is calling you out!

Grian: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli. Scar, eyes wide: I know what I saw.

During a game of Hangman Grian: Nope, there’s no Q. You lose. Scar: Are you kidding me?! You can still add something! Grian: I already added a belt, four earrings and an extra arm! YOU LOSE!

Scar: How did you break your leg? Grian: Do you see those porch stairs? Scar: Yes. Grian: I didn't.

Scar: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen? Grian: Neither. Grian: Because it's twelve.

Scar: What does a winner do when life gives them lemons? Grian: Um, make lemonade? Scar: No, they squeeze them right back into life’s eyes!

Grian: When you've been on the internet for as long as I have, you develop thick skin. Scar: Navy blue isn't your color. Grian: Navy blue brings out my eyes you prick! Chases after Scar

Grian: If you spell skeletons backwards, it still spells skeletons. Scar, deadpan: Wow, I can't wait for Halloween to see some snoteleks.

Scar: So what’s for dinner? Grian: I can’t tell you, it’s a soup-prise! Scar: … Scar: Is it soup? Grian: I soup-pose it could be! winks Scar: Please, enough with the soup puns! Grian: Wow, you’re soup-per mean. Scar: STOP! one hour later Scar: It’s fucking tacos?!?!?!

Scar: You’re overthinking this. Grian: You don’t know the appropriate level of thinking, Scar. What if I’m underthinking?

Grian: I regret nothing!!! Scar: I regret everything!!!

Grian: Am I right, Scar? Scar: I’m almost certain you’re not, but to be fair, I wasn’t listening.

Scar: Grian, where’s your report card? Grian: My friends stole it from me at school, so now I don’t have it anymore. Scar: Do you think I’m stupid enough to believe that lie? Grian: What lie? Scar: That you have friends.

Grian: Scar, are you drinking… drinking hydrogen peroxide?! Scar: It says H2O2! That means it’s the sequel to water!

While planning to break in somewhere Grian: Hey, let's do "Get Help!" Scar: What? Grian: "Get Help." Scar: No. Grian: C'mon, you love it! Scar: I hate it. Grian: It's great! It works every time! Scar: It's humiliating. Grian: Do you have a better plan? Scar: No. Grian: We're doing it! Scar: We are not doing "Get Help!" A Minute Later Grian, carrying Scar: Get help! Please! They're dying! Help Them! throws Scar at guards, knocking them out Grian: Ahh, classic! Scar: gets up I still hate it. It's humiliating. Grian, laughing: Not for me, it's not.

Grian, staring lovingly at Scar: I would die for you. Scar, doing their own thing: Then perish.

Scar, shakily: Please, just tell me what the book is about. The plot, please. Grian, reading an annotation on the cover of a book, unfazed: A subversive masterpiece. A deep and touching story. New York Times Bestseller. Grian, now looking directly at Scar: Go fuck yourself.

Grian: I'm going the fight the next person who insults Scar. Scar: I hate myself. Grian: Alright, square up.

Grian, standing amidst the destroyed kitchen: How? How were you able to summon me?! Scar, flipping through a cookbook as fast as they can: I don’t know!! You were supposed to be chicken soup!

Grian: Why are you burning our marriage certificate!? Scar: Good luck trying to return me without a receipt.

Grian: Why cant trees give off something important like wifi?? Scar: So fuck oxygen, I guess.

Scar: School appropriate questions. Grian: What was the lowest point in your life?

Grian: I think I need a hug… Scar: Good thing I'm hug shaped! 45 minutes later Grian: You… you can let go now. Scar: No, I absolutely cannot.

Scar, skipping rocks on a lake with Grian: It’s such a beautiful evening. Grian: Yeah, it is. Grian: whispering Take that you fucking lake.

Scar, to the Squad: The real secret to immortality? Not dying. You want to be immortal? Okay, that’s easy. Just don’t die. That’s it. Refuse to die. There you go. Grian: But how- Scar, ignoring them: “But how”, you may ask. Well, easy. Just don’t do it. Refuse to. Say “no thanks”.

Grian: I've connected the two dots. Scar: You didn't connect shit. Grian: I've connected them.

Scar: Start talking! Grian: Well, I- Scar: Shut up!

Scar: My friends say I'm the most charismatic out of the group. Grian: Well, you always have a smile on your face. Scar: Thank you. Grian: Grian: What drugs do you take?

Grian, dashing into the room: WHY AREN’T THE DISHES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER?! Scar: …What does that even mean?!

Grian: I’m gonna kill you. Scar: Get in line!

Grian: Are you listening to me? Scar: nods Grian: What did I just say? Scar: nods Grian: …

Scar: Grian, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight? Grian: Raise the dead. Scar: And what did you do? Grian: Raise the dead.

Scar: Oh, fiddlesticks. Grian: Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language.

Grian: Do you know a turtles only weakness? Scar: No… well, their slowness. Grian: Their weaknesss is they can't roll over when they are on their backs. Grian: Now I have a plan. Grian: If I duct tape two turtles together, they'll be unstoppable.

Scar: And if you have any suggestions, please put them in the suggestion box. Grian: That’s a trash can.

Scar: Hey, Grian! Did you know your my BFFLWYLION? Grian: What the hell is that supposed to mean? Scar: Best Friend For Life Whether You Like It Or Not. Grian: Grian: That’s one way to say it, I guess…

Grian: Anyone down to take couples counseling and see at what point the therapist realizes we barely know each other? Scar: Idiots to lovers, 20k words, angst with a happy ending.

Scar: Guess what I'm about to get! Grian: On my nerves.

Scar: Grian! I thought you were dead! Grian: No, just in deep cover. Scar: …But it was an open casket. Grian: It was very deep.

Scar: Its hard to resist, I'm really sorry- I mean, considering your approach so far, you had us tied here for- what? Hours? And you haven’t even had us confirm what exactly we are! Grian: What are you then? Scar: I'm a Virgo!

Scar: Swear words are illegal now. If you say one you'll be fined. Grian: Heck. Scar: You're on thin fucking ice. Scar: Oh no-

Grian: This is ridiculous! Scar: Hey, someone’s gotta be the jester for the court.

Grian, having recently lost their glasses: KILL THE BUG!!! Scar: ….That’s a gecko—

Scar: Holding up a picture of a seemingly young anime girl WHO IS SHE?! IS SHE TWELVE?! Grian: No! She's a thousand years ol- Scar: Cocks shotgun Grian: NO! NOOOOOOOOOO-!

Scar: Can I have some? Grian, mouth full of cheesecake: It's really spicy, you wouldn't like it.

Scar: Fight me! Grian, standing behind them and holding a knife: mouths Do not.

Scar: Wakey Wakey Eggs and Bakey! Grian: But I'm a vegan. Scar: Wakey Wakey Vegetables and Sadness.

Scar: I'm trying to juggle family life and work life but I can't seem to find a balance. What do you suggest I do to keep everyone happy? Grian, deadpan: Quit your job, kill your family.

Grian: You want some leftovers? Scar: What are those? Grian: You've never had leftovers before? Scar: No, ‘cause I’m not a quitter.

Scar: Why do humans have different blood groups? Grian: So mosquitoes can enjoy different flavors.

Scar: I thought I told you to stop reading my emails. Grian: Well, I thought I told you to stop keeping secrets!

Grian: Good morning. As you begin your day, remember that violence is always an option and often the answer. Scar: Grian: Scar: …Please, go back to bed.

Scar: I suppose you’re right. We really would be better off working together. Grian: So, then… détente? Scar: Agreed. Grian: Understanding? Scar: Possibly. Grian: Cooperation? Scar: Maybe. Grian: Trust? Scar: Out of the question.

Scar: I'm very scary. Grian: You're about as scary as a wet kitten. Scar: Wet kittens are cute, at least I've got that going for me. Grian: And small. Scar: Scar: …Yeah, yeah. I guess.

Grian: Unpopular opinion, not all dogs are good boys. Scar: Blocked. Grian: Sometimes, they’re good girls! Scar: UNBLOCKED!

Scar: Come on Grian, do it for our friendship. You can't put a price on that… Grian: Yes I can, dear. Fifty dollars.

Grian: Do you take constructive criticism? Scar: Not without crying

Scar: What’s up with you? Grian: What do you mean? Scar: You’ve been nice and helpful and considerate all day. What’s your game?

Grian: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak like ‘look at this fucking flower. This flower is taller than I am. This flower is winning and I’m losing.’ Scar: Wow, you are not ready to hear about trees.

Grian: We'll talk about this later. Scar: Fine, I won’t be listening.

Scar: Look, I’m glad everyone’s on the same page. Scar: But it’s the last page in a book titled “we’re all going to die”. Grian: That’s not even clever.

Grian: I made lightly fried fish fillets for dinner. Scar: Grian, It’s 1:15 am, what the fuck. Grian: Do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not. Scar: Well, I mean yeah. Grian: So come downstairs while they’re still hot. Scar: Wait, you just made them? Grian: Yeah, I wasn’t tired so I decided to make lightly fried fish fillets. Scar: Say lightly fried fish fillets one more time Grian.

Scar: I type how I think. Grian: Odd that you type at all then.

Grian: Why can't any of you ever clean up after yourselves? Scar: I have a person who does that for me. Grian: Yeah, ME. Scar: I'm glad you agree.

Scar: Can we get a birthday cake? Grian: It’s not your birthday. Scar: The cake won’t know!

Scar: You're ignoring all your problems. Grian: I know. Scar: You also know it's an unhealthy coping mechanism? Grian: I'm ignoring that fact as well. Scar:

Grian, to The Squad: None of you know what propaganda is, do you? Scar: I think it’s when a British person takes a good look at something.

Scar: Oh shoot! Scar: Excuse my vulgarity. Grian: I’ll let it slide.

Scar: I’m going to hell. Grian: Probably. Scar: I'll pick you up? Grian: nodding Carpool.

Scar: Hey, it’s your turn to wash the dishes. Grian: I’ll wash the walls red with your blood. Scar: Okay, but before that, wash the dishes. Also, use soap this time.

Scar: Okay, if we can't do it by sheer force, we'll do it my way. Grian: But your way is sheer force!

Grian: I'm going to take a shower, I'll be right back. Scar: Why are you telling me this, I don't care. Scar, right after Grian leaves the room: I miss them already.

Grian: Are you this rude to everyone?! Scar: Yup. Scar: Don't think you're special.

Scar: Punch me in the face. Grian: …Punch you? Scar: Yes, punch me, didn’t you hear me? Grian: I always hear ‘punch me in the face’ while you’re speaking but it’s usually just subtext.

Grian: Why are you on fire? Scar: This is just how my day is going.

Scar: Hey Grian, have you seen the photographer? Grian: Nope. Have you seen the meat tenderizer? Scar, confused: What? Grian, grabbing the meat tenderizer out of the drawer: No reason, cute girl things!

Scar: Why would I flip my shit about that? Grian: Because you flip your shit about everything. Scar: Well, will you look at this. Here is my shit, and yet it remains unflipped. Just sitting there on the skillet, getting burned on one side. It’s a miracle.

Grian, ordering coffee: I’d like a light roast. Scar: You're kinda ugly.

Grian: You might not know this, Scar, but I am a flawed person. Scar: I do know that.

Grian: You remind me of the ocean. Scar: Because I'm deep and mysterious? Grian: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people.