World of Words

I just need to write about my day. Or rather, the state of my life these past, few weeks. 

Okay, so I’ve been feeling very lonely? sad? anxious? numb? Honestly, I don’t know what to feel anymore. So much negative thoughts and emotions have bombarded my mind, it’s gotten to a point where I’m contemplating suicide. Well, that escalated quickly. Haha. If it were the old me from the past years, I would’ve dismissed them and criticize myself for being so overdramatic. But now, I can’t ignore them anymore. I think it’s gotten worse, actually. I’ve found myself flinching at small, sudden noises. I just lied on my bed on some days, stared blankly in front of my computer screen on the other. Dreading the days where I have to go to class. Wanting to cry, but I really can’t because my parents and sibling might see me and ask me what’s wrong. 

Sorry, I’m kinda neglecting this diary writing thing. So, I’m sorry. Again. Well, life’s still not fair for me, but nothing’s fair anyway so whatever haha. 

It’s still there.

You know, the dark, looming cloud, the pit of darkness deep in my stomach, the numb sensation. It’s so weird and annoying and stressful all at the same time. I can still handle it, I think.  Okay, who am I kidding? I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. I just want to feel relieved, just for a day. Get my shit together. Meditate. Achieve nirvana state. I don’t know.

Sorry, this is so short, and so very rant-y.

It’s me again. College life has been handling me gentler these past few days. It’s relieving, but I still can’t get rid of the deep feeling in my stomach, like this peace is gonna collapse somehow.I just want this semester to end. My phone got stolen from me the other night. It sucks since it’s one of the two pieces of technology I only possess. It will certainly make my life less productive, as if my life was productive in the first place hahaha.

Anyway, this gloomy cloud over my head is very persistent in staying. It’s been bothering me for months now, I feel like I’m drowning in something inescapable. Sorry, I’m getting dramatic. I’ve tried confiding in my friends but it’s still there. I thought it would lessen its weight on my shoulders, I guess I’m wrong. My family thinks I’m just getting lazy, their belief strengthening since my grades started to plummet. Maybe I’m really getting lazy, I feel very unproductive nowadays. Everything I do feels like a chore, like my heart’s not in it anymore. I’ve noticed that I’m more inclined to lie in my bed and stare at nothing instead of moving around, doing something. I’m starting to think that maybe I’m suffering from some kind of depression but I’m scared to go to a doctor. I’m scared of what the result will be. Some of my friends have started looking out for me ever since I’ve told them about my problems. I think I’m on suicide watch. I find it funny because while these thoughts have crossed my mind, I don’t think I have the courage to actually do that. I’m just happy that some people care about me, unlike my family.

This is officially my first post. This blog might be a pseudo-diary of some sort, or whatever what I’m feeling most of the time. This is going to be my first entry, yay!

So, I’m halfway done in my second semester this year, and I’m feeling very anxious. The anxiety has been spiraling out of my control ever since I stepped foot in college. Let me tell you, it’s not fun, for me at least. You’d think that once you start college, it would be a fun ride. Well, it’s my fault I thought that all college-based movies and series somehow reflect the reality of college life. Maybe I’m just not used to it yet, I’m just getting overwhelmed, or I’m just putting pressure on myself. I don’t know, but I do know that I almost completely shut down during the course of my first semester. If it weren’t for my friends, I would not be able to barely pass my classes. I often skipped classes, not read the assigned readings for the week, procrastinate, all that bad student ethics stuff. It’s probably my fault for the situation I’m in right now, consequences of decisions and whatnot.