I haven’t written in a while because life has been a lot. A lot of good and a lot of other things. After re-reading my last blog post, I realized that I wasn’t entirely accurate in my feelings about my life. Yes, while everything I wrote was accurate...I also did not detail that life was A LOT. Since it’s New Year’s Eve, I want to own the fact that this year was rough. It was good and rough. I am grateful for a lot and I want to acknowledge, too, that it was hard. This year was probably one of the hardest years of my life. In May, I was in a car accident and I was without my car for two months. I was screwed over on the rental car and had to pay $1K+ more than I anticipated. I got Covid bad and was stuck at home for two weeks (that sucked)! My beloved boss resigned and I became the interim program director which was tough (I was doing two FT jobs but only being paid for one role). During this time, one of my dogs was sick and had diarrhea everywhere! For two months, I cleaned up dog #3 from the carpet, bathroom floor, and kennel multiple times a week. I took her to the vet multiple times during this time period and was cooking so much chicken and rice that I was sick of chicken and rice! Eventually they hired a new director (because I didn’t want the job! Because fuck admin, that’s why!) who had it out for me since before she started (that’s a story for another time!). From day 1, she was determined to invalidate me, my teammates, and my program. I went from feeling secure and solid in my role, in myself, my program, my agency to detesting my agency and feeling unsure of my standing in my program. You know those people who believe they can do no wrong and even though they know nothing about your program, they assume on day 1 that we have been doing it all wrong and that THEY are the savior??!! SMFH!! Talk about a savior complex! Well four months later of nonsense, high blood pressure, high stress and anxiety, she has calmed down because maybe reality has set in! Oh did I mention, she sent me to HR! I had four meetings with HR over the course of like 5-6 weeks. Talk about anxiety!! Oh also, even though the collision center had my car for two months, my car needed two immediate repairs a few weeks apart. Going back and forth with insurance to reimburse the cost! And recently being told of a third repair that was quoted by 3 mechanics for $3.5k! Lawd have mercy! Oh and I got Covid again and was stuck at home for a week! Had to miss my flight home and I couldn’t hug or kiss my partner goodbye before leaving for the holidays. During these months, I have been trying SO hard to stay positive, centered, grateful, and sane! It’s been exhausting trying to keep my head afloat! It’s been mentally and emotionally taxing trying to be a healthy person while dealing with so much fuck-shit! Fortunately, I think the storm is over.
I’ll admit, there were days that I did not want to keep going, days that I wanted to give up. Days that I have wanted to say “fuck this” to my healing journey. Days where I have let old me (my old unhealthy ways before I started my healing journey) win and almost win. Trying to be healthy, unlearn and detoxify from generational trauma is hard enough on a good day let alone when life is TRYING YOU! There have been some small wins along the way: I stopped vaping, swapped coffee for tea, got a couple job offers, started a committee for a volunteer group, auditioned for a theater role and got the part (life long dream), rode a motorcycle (another dream), got to meet my nephews, am in a loving and healthy relationship, earned the respect of some great people, found out I am a natural at ice skating and love it, helped some people, laughed a lot, learned a ton, and grew exponentially. While I am grateful for all the good in my life, I wanted to take some time to acknowledge the difficulty of this year and to say that I am proud of myself for not giving up. I am proud that I am a fighter. I am a warrior. A warrior that retired to the garden. I did fight hard this year but I did not fight for people to see me or love me. I fought for my health, for my survival and my children (my dogs), and for my livelihood. There is a time and place to fight. Fight for yourself and your loved ones but never fight for someone’s approval of you. You are Enough. You Matter. Fight the Good Fight and Never Give Up. If You Fall, Get Up!
2087
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