moved.

she says it again, and spencer feels it more deeply in his chest, a knife sliding further between his ribs  -  but he’s capable of just fun, he reminds himself; it isn’t as if he’s never done it before. but what happens between them does not feel like anything he’s experienced before, every brush of skin stealing his breath and leaving him dizzy, a single touch of her hand consuming his thoughts for hours afterwards; a passing glance, shared so carelessly, lifting his spirits from the darkest of depths. all this he wants to say, yet can only convey in the tightening of a grip, the release of a breath as he folds into her more, following rosita’s lead and sliding against her now, his head resting in the crook of her neck, legs tangling round hers to bring her closer, disregarding his size and the preconceived notions about how a man like him should act. spencer breaths her in and considers for a moment his response  -  when finally it sounds, it begins with a laugh, attempting to rival her mirth, to mask the dejection that darkens his eyes. “before… maybe i did this a lot; now, not so much. ‘m sure there’s plenty of people around here lookin’, but  -  i just didn’t really care for it.” another slight pause, a pocket of silence as he sinks into thought. it takes spencer a moment to gather the words to say, “i’ve only been with two people since it all started.” a little quieter: “ellis and i… for a while. it really meant nothing.” (not like this.) “and then… you.”

she may not be capable of saying what it is that spencer wants to hear,  but she’s capable of feeling it  —-  even if she refuses to recognize it.  the way her heart beats faster when he walks into a room,  the way her hands shake ever so slightly whenever he so much as brushes his hand against hers,  or the way it seems she skips a breath every time their eyes lock,  and she sees the way he looks at her.  no one has ever looked at her that way, as if she’s special,  as if she’s the only person in the room,  as if she’s wanted for more than just her body.  spencer looks at her that way,  like she matters,  and it scares her after so long of being with abraham,  who looked at her as if she was just ( as he said himself )  the last girl on earth.  she felt nothing for him and yet he still had the ability to hurt her.  it’s why she feels like she has to keep herself at arms length with spencer. because she could love him,  and he could hurt her worse.  

he fears for octavia’s safety every day. one of the hardest things about being in space was the extra time that he had to think. it allowed for him to run through every possible scenario of what was happening on the ground. the first few months were the hardest – everyone was so divided, and he couldn’t get around to focusing on anything except them getting through them. dealing with his grief over clarke on top of his fear for o was enough to keep him up at night without all the memories that came from the ground. the fight for his life was something he was used to before going to the ground, but it quickly became about more than just his own survival. on the ark it was about him, his mom, and o, on the ground it was about all of skaikru, and now he has a new family to keep in mind when he returns. he is not that same person that he was when he first got to the ground, not the same one that came to space five years prior.

he didn’t think it was possible to love anyone as much as he does o. as fractured as their relationship got, she was still the most important person in his life, but that wasn’t necessarily true anymore. he had six other people that he loves like family, bonds that go deeper than anything he has ever experienced even with o, and the only other person in this world that he allowed himself to be vulnerable died so they could live. the thoughts remain, even five years later, clarke saved them all and he has her to thank for the happiness he feels now, in the end. in the end, her final sacrifice was enough, and he can only hope that he did her memory well up here; they survived, and he did take her advice to heart.

this was never a life that he expected for himself – he never expected much from his life, vowing to protect octavia until the day they died. that was his responsibility, and the fact that she’s been on her own these past few years terrifies him because sometimes he can only think that he failed his responsibility by not getting back to her in time – choosing raven was just one of the first choices he made, knowing that octavia could handle leading on her own. he believed in her, and she had grown so much while on the ground, had become a warrior, but that doesn’t stop him from wondering if she’s okay. he chose to go after raven years ago, and with that choice, it opened him up for many more, but choosing his family wasn’t a choice. 

“hey–” his tone softens, face reflecting the change. he can feel concern radiating off of her, and it upsets him to see her fearing this, questioning their devotion. 

“until nothing.” he says it with the most sincerity in the world that he doesn’t need to hear anything else she has to say. nothing could change how he feels. he doesn’t lie to her – not anymore. he believes what he’s saying, so he is able to say it with conviction. “you, echo, monty, raven, harper, murphy” even murphy. “you’re my family.” he pauses for a second because the thing that he can rely on, trust like no other is that they all feel the same way. “we’re your family.” he corrects. he’s spent years with her, has come to know and love her, so “nothing is going to change.” 

“you don’t have to worry about my sister.” friends and family on the ground. he’s tried not to let it overwhelm him, tried to keep the fears at bay and keep moving, keep leading, but every once in a while emotion slips through. “if she’s okay…” he takes a breath. “she’ll understand.” she has to, and if she spent five years with the people that she’s with, she has to have some bonds of her own now. “you don’t have to worry about any of us” it doesn’t concern him: speaking for the group. they’re a family, and they’re going to fight for each other. “ever, yeah?”           

in the past, she didn’t go seeking this kind of validation because she never expected to get it  ----  and she definitely wasn’t going to deal with the rejection that was sure to follow.  people didn’t care about her,  and she didn’t care about people.  they were a resource and nothing more.  clans, friends, family ----  they didn’t exist to her.  pawns she used for her schemes,  people she traded with,  that was it.  there was otan,  and even he deserted her  (  or maybe that’s just what she believed.  )  

the ring felt too good to be true.  she wasn’t just accepted so freely,  but she was welcomed into a place filled with people of various skillsets,  all willing and ready to do their part to make sure they all survived.  so where did she fit?  the skillset she had wasn’t practical there.  thievery,  manipulation,  violence,  playing a role.  the only role she wanted to play now was someone who could actually matter here  ---- -  and she found her place.  next to raven’s side had become her own place of belonging.  she had tried something entirely new,  done it WELL,  and now she has blossomed.  but those skills may do her well here  ----  but what about once they’re back?  what happens when everyone else can so easily squash everything she’s learned and they can do it better?  what if they need her here,  but they don’t need her there?  

what if when they go back to the ground,  everyone goes back to the people they know,  and she goes back to being nothing?

she gulps,  her head nodding slowly as he speaks the words she is still trying to process,  even after all this time.  she has a family.  she’s so fearful of it all because it would crush her if this was one-sided,  if she had given up that power she has always been so careful about keeping close to her,  only to be DESTROYED by it in the end.  she can’t lose them.  ❝  right.  family.  never thought i’d hear that,  ❞   she admits.  ❝  never thought i’d have one.  ❞   she’s had it,  in some ways,  before.  a brother she had found amidst a war of independence.  baylis had tried to turn them into his own pawn,  but they escaped.  that was nothing like this.  this is warmer,  much more kind,  more welcoming,  more free.  she is home here,  and the idea of losing that for anything is so terrifying. 

Thumb nail digs into the woodgrain of the table inside the council’s meeting room. White teeth pick and chew at his bottom lip as a flustered huff rattles in his chest. Tara calling him out earns the woman and upward glance from the chair he’s not moved out of just yet. Legs strewn in a damn near close to awkward pose of one stretched out, heel digging into the floor and the other kicked back under his chair so his foot can bob back and forth (another twitch, this one tucked neatly away–he’s a bad liar) absentmindedly.

Tara was late to the meeting. From a run that she volunteered to go on. They were supposed to be sending half the supplies she brought back to the Kingdom. Until that plan changed. Until the walls were deemed to be on a deeper lockdown. With nothing going in and nothing going out. Does he agree with it? No. Did he say so? Yes. Is there anything he can do? Unlikely. Well. Other than to deliver the news to the woman who worked so hard stocking up thinking she was about to help their friends along with helping her home.

A sigh parts his lips, eyes shut then swing open as he leans back into the chair for the delivery. “Something came up while you were gone. The supplies your group’s unloading. All of them need to get unpacked,” he can feel himself groan inwardly as he turns his attention up from the hem of her sleeve to her eyes. “Because they’re staying..HERE.”

Things have changed, and she doesn’t know why. Things have changed, and she only knows it because the tension in the room is starting to make her shiver.  She likes her time away,  likes going on these scavenging trips because it’s a chance to clear her mind and forget about everything she thinks about while being cooped up  ( how her house doesn’t feel like a home after she moved in to be with Denise, just before she died; how Alexandria doesn’t always feel like the place for her when she’s missing the best friend she got here because of.  ) But there always seems to be something different by the time she returns,  something she can’t quite figure out  ——  and she trusts Siddiq.  He’s not the kind of person who would lie to her.  Right?

❝  Wait,  what?  But—-  ❞   she starts,  shaking her head immediately and standing up.  ❝  But I promised the King I would bring them their third.  I searched for DAYS trying to find Jerry the perfect gift for his wife once the baby’s born.  I busted my ass out there.  ❞   And she’s not normally the type to get angry.  It’s easiest for her to laugh things off,  make a joke about whatever annoys her,  and move on.  But this isn’t about her.  This is about her friends she had been looking forward to seeing once she settled back in at home in Alexandria.  

doesn’t know how much support she’ll get on this decision.  there weren’t many who shared that opinion.  they’d want new people, they’d want to give survivors a chance.  not everyone was like the friend she’d let in, she knew that deep down.  but fear drove her actions, and better to keep people out and risk nothing, than to let someone in and risk everything.

❝ thank you. ❞  it was nice to have someone to back her up at least.  ❝ whether or not the council decides it, we’re not letting people in.  if i have to, i will pull rank. ❞  because in the end michonne was the leader of alexandria.  she would do whatever to keep her people safe, even if that meant going against what the council decides.

while he’s not ready to introduce any new people to the community anytime soon,  he doesn’t agree with her words.  he doesn’t agree with the idea of anyone pulling rank over the council as a matter of their own opinion.  it goes against the entire system they’ve built,  against what they’re working towards.  but he’s not willing to have this fight right now.  neither of them are ready for it,  and he’s not pushing.  not yet.  

❝  clearly,  ❞  she notes with a raise of her brows.  winter has a completely positive view of alex and,  given this information,  has a completely negative view of her sister.  alex has been so helpful to her  —–  a real FRIEND.  she won’t forget that.  ❝  she does have reason to be jealous of you,  ❞  winter argues.  ❝  i think you’re better than her.  you don’t seem as selfish and narcissistic.  you’re talented too.  she SHOULD be jealous of you.  ❞  she truly believes that;  she wants alex to have CONFIDENCE.  she’s a wonderful,  talented woman.  she deserves to feel that.  the edge of her mouth lifts into a barely visible smirk as both of the other woman’s hands are rested on hers,  finding a real sense of comfort and SATISFACTION in the touch.  her other hand rests on top of both of hers,  the smirk turning into a more gentle grin,  but one that still doesn’t spread across her features.  this DOES all help.  alex is distracting her from the harm she could have caused herself tonight.  ❝  then why don’t we?  ❞

brows raise at her and he nods his head quickly.  ❝  yeah,  i saw it.  he was good at fooling everybody else into thinking he was this perfect boyfriend,  but he’s never been able to fool me with that kind of thing.  he was never able to fool me with YOU.  he didn’t treat you well,  maggie.  i know that.  so  —–  i was never fooled,  no.  ❞  it just wasn’t until now that it felt worth it to do or say something.  theo lets a small grin cross his mouth at her words and he tilts his head.  ❝  yeah?  thanks,  ❞  he nods.  ❝  i like it when you smile too.  i want you to be happy.  ❞  a soft chuckle slips out of him and he shrugs his shoulders.  ❝  well,  so far,  you don’t seem like an angry drunk and i think that’s the best case scenario for anyone.  ❞

❝  i don’t know,  ❞  she admits.  ❝  but it doesn’t have to be you.  ❞  a scoff erupts from her mouth and her head shakes quickly,  eyes shutting and a hand raising to rub her forehead.  it’s impossible to just NOT worry about tamora.  she has ever since the incident on the bus because that is what she is SUPPOSED to do.  she loves this woman.  she can’t help that.  ❝  it’s my JOB to worry about you,  ❞  she reminds.  ❝  no matter if i’m with you or not in this,  that’s my job.  and i AM worried.  ❞  if she continues with all of this,  there’s not much tamora can do that will change that.  but that doesn’t mean it will cause ally to abandon her.  this is DIFFICULT and as angry as she has been,  it makes her want to HELP.  her head shakes in disbelief at the words,  eyes opening to meet hers.  ❝  is that supposed to be BETTER?  an arms dealer is an ARMS DEALER.  ❞  if tamora doesn’t understand why ally finds that dangerous,  how can she explain it to her?  ❝  i’m…  i’m TRYING,  t.  you know i am.  but when you spring stuff like THIS on me,  it’s hard.  ❞  she can’t stand being lied to and that’s what this all feels like.  ally lets her head drop slightly when her hands are grabbed,  but she doesn’t pull away.  she doesn’t want to feel so DISTANT from her girlfriend.  instead,  she clutches her hands back lightly,  eyes drifting up to her with a tired look in her eyes.  ❝  you hid it from me before.  and you hid all of this from me.  the weapons.  can you believe that i’m having a hard time believing you?  ❞  she whispers.  ally wishes that wasn’t the case,  but it is.  ❝  i know i didn’t take the doctors’ side.  i still don’t.  you’re not out of her mind.  i always take you seriously.  ❞  despite her hesitance at first,  she would ALWAYS listen to tamora,  which is why she’s upset she didn’t come to her sooner about it.  as she goes on,  ally goes quiet for a few moments,  squeezing tamora’s hand and shutting her eyes.  ❝  the only way i can trust you…  and THIS…  is if you promise me right now that you have told me EVERYTHING.  ❞ 

❝  i don’t really think you’ll have a hard time with that.  you seem like you’re a pretty romantic guy!  ❞  he notes.  and klaus loves that.  he loves how it makes him feel.  he’s a romantic himself,  so having someone to finally SHARE that with brings him such JOY.  a warm smile crosses his lips,  always seeming present in him once he’s with aaron.  ❝  OR maybe gracie is ONTO something with whatever spices she wants to add and your palate just isn’t REFINED enough to appreciate it!  ❞  he teases.  ❝  oh,  yeah?  i LOVE spaghetti!  i like any pasta,  really,  it’s my favorite.  yeah,  you should make yours for me.  ❞  klaus would like it no matter what because it comes from HIM.  brows raise and he nods his head quickly.  ❝  hey,  it’s okay,  it’s never BAD!  so don’t worry about whatever i’m trying to pull on you,  it’s fine,  ❞  he insists.  eyes BRIGHTEN at the story that aaron tells.  hearing happy memories from his childhood makes klaus’s whole body feel WARM.  he knows growing up was difficult for him,  so hearing that he had something to hang onto is comforting.  ❝  anthony,  ❞  he repeats with a soft grin.  ❝  well,  anthony sounds like a GREAT brother!  do you still talk to him?  i’d like to meet him.  —–  so what kinda clothes did you hide way that you liked?  ❞  he just wants to know everything there is to know about aaron.  the way that aaron seems to immediately get protective over klaus getting hurt brings a smile to his lips,  hand raising quickly to gently clutch his hand,  keeping it lightly pressed to his jaw.  ❝  hey,  it wasn’t so bad!  the worst part was that they wired it shut and i couldn’t really talk for EIGHT WHOLE WEEKS!  but other than that,  it was okay!  mom’s a good doctor,  so i healed up fine.  ❞  breaking his jaw was the first time he truly had QUIET in the world because of the drugs he had to be on.  it was the bliss of that that made the experience bearable.  brows raise at his suggestion,  head tilting as if he hadn’t thought of just BUYING his own pair.  ❝  oh!  yeah,  okay,  that’s a good idea!  ❞  he agrees.  ❝  let’s do that.  ❞  klaus notices aaron’s obvious confusion by the whole situation with grace,  but he doesn’t stop to explain.  the whole thing is too complicated for klaus to understand,  even having grown up with it,  so he doesn’t want to.  the terms he speaks in are the ones he KNOWS how to say.  instead,  he focuses on the COMFORT in the words the man speaks.  it relaxes him,  shoulders losing any tension they held and his eyes softening on the man.  ❝  you really think so?  well,  yeah,  i guess everyone does,  but HE sucks and i…  i don’t know.  maybe.  yeah,  i guess maybe that was the ONE good he did for us,  ❞  he sighs.  ❝  okay.  yeah.  it’s between me and her.  ❞  after a moment of quiet,  klaus allows a grin to form on his mouth again.  ❝  hey,  you know,  she used to let me sit with her at night,  ❞  he admits with a shrug.  ❝  after i had been out and didn’t feel well after or i had a nightmare and couldn’t sleep,  she’d let me sit with her in her little spot and i’d lay down in her lap and i could stay there for as long as i wanted.  i don’t think she ever told dad about that!  ❞  those memories are FOND.  he cherishes them because they were times where he was just allowed to be upset and get real comfort.  ❝  well,  YEAH,  but maybe you could USE some of my style to spice up your wardrobe,  so it will be great,  i promise!  ❞  all that matters is gets to do SOMETHING with him.  this time he has with him is SPECIAL.

this anger smolders and throbs, the death throes of a decaying star; not an inch of him does not quiver with this fitful, bloody emotion. spencer sighs, cutting and extensive, as he stretches his legs and catches his thumb in his mouth, teeth working at a nail already torn to the quick, and finds in the action a sliver of calm, cool and fulfilling as it bursts into his mouth, not enough to douse the flames, but enough that he can breathe, a little more evenly than before. deep beneath this resentment, he believes himself a rational person, desperate for the same sense of community that aaron has so eagerly and tirelessly attempted to recover from the world beyond the walls; he believes in the need for it, for structure and order and safety, wants to create within alexandria a beacon in this new world, a little slice of good hollowed out in all of the bad. this is their new world, but it does not have to be; there can be something good, something that resembles normal again.

but rick is a threat to that. it is a mistrust that is returned as severely as it is given; spencer is certain of that. too many days by his mother’s side during her campaign has honed his sight, instilled a sixth-sense, and he sees within rick a danger, the ruination of all they’ve built, not just his parents, him, but aaron, too.

hesitantly he flicks his eyes upward, levels his gaze with aaron’s, and beneath it, he feels himself softening. there is still rage, as persistent and harsh as a midday summer sun, but like the sun submits to the night, it will inevitably relent; it just must run its course. “—–i know. you don’t have to remind me.” but it’s such a relief to hear, to know again, and spencer feels a rush of guilt that nearly overwhelms his anger, because it’s been too long since they’ve spoken, and he hasn’t offered enough admiration for all aaron does for their community. “i’m sorry. it’s not your fault, i’m not mad at you  -  you know that, right? i don’t want you to think we’re not the same as we’ve always been.”

his head shakes,  a silent effort to argue with him because yes, he does.  because when people matter to aaron,  he’s going to tell them.  he’s never going to let them question it,  even for a second  ----  especially not in this world.  any second can be their last.  any  ‘ see you later ‘  can suddenly turn into a goodbye.  things are changing in alexandria,  he hopes that means they’re growing,  but that doesn’t mean they’re losing what they already had.  that doesn’t mean spencer will lose aaron.  ❝  i do,  ❞   he says,  locking his eyes with spencer.  ❝  i want you to know.  ❞  because aaron hasn’t always had the most stable family  ----  but being in alexandria,  especially with eric,  makes him feel like he finally gets to have it.  spencer is a part of that.