sadie.

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‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ╭ ‎ ‎ https://rentry.co/bikesandbonfires

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎╰ ‎ ‎ other accs : @grrcyno @whiskeh @cynoari @6372 @sadney

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no no don't worry about doing anything guys!! thank you though!!

but generally, if im doing okay is a tough question?

i guess yes and no? i have no horrible people in my life, i'm in a good spot, i have money and i can pursue things i want to enhance my living like certain surgeries to help me feel less insecure. yadda yadda.

but in hindsight, not really? not at all, actually, i can't confidently say this is the lowest ive felt in years but i definitely sank pretty low? there's things that are invisible that are hindering my life, mental illness untreated and all and fear im just a walking trail mix of mental illness.

i detest my own home everyday, my room feels like a suffocating cage of memories i don't want to remember and people i don't want to remember. i have a surgery upcoming that im horrified for, for no reason, and it's reminding me of an old surgery and old people and im afraid the old surgery is coming back to nip me in the butt and im afraid the issue is coming back. it is most likely placebo, fear of the fear since memories i have in this type of weather are not at all pleasant. i'm clinging onto that.

i don't think my mind ever feels eased unless im with our girlfriend, at her place or mine. she makes every scary thing go away or feel quieter and i'm horrified of the codependency that probably follows that, i literally can't live without her, and i don't mean i need to text her constantly; i need to be next to her constantly, she doesn't find it bothersome, but i truly wish i could exist comfortably alone, i'm tired of dreading everyday without her when i live most days alone. i only get to see her on the weekends.