Amora

There’s an ache in my throat, a gnawing in my chest, all the weight of the life not lived, taunts of what could’ve been done differently, If only If only If only All the dreams foregone for the sake of normalcy I had no safety net to sustain me therefore I couldn’t create art Or rather devote to it as my heart would’ve liked. Art was the last on the list Put away for another day after…

For the longest time, I was hesitant to own, or even accept, that I had any talent in writing. I wanted to be one of the ‘cool kids’. I wanted to be a dancer, or a singer, like the cool popular ones. Writing was for the nerds, the silent ones, the ones no one wanted to hang out with… and I was very much all of these things as a kid. Having that little bud of talent in writing also meant I was…

Such complicated things aren’t they? One would think, with all the trouble that they put us through, it would be better to do away with them altogether. But then again, as with everything, the feelings that we have also serve a very important purpose in our lives. To come to the point of discussion, lately I have been feeling sort of unsatisfied and unfulfilled. These are the closest words I can…

Some new year reflections.

Around the time of New Year I tend to get into this mode where I’m filled with this relentless desire to become a better me. I go on this rampage of analyzing what I don’t like, what I want to change, what I would like to incorporate more of in my life, dreamily creating my ideal self and so on. I guess it’s the same for everyone else as well since that is essentially the crux of New Year’s…

You know when sometimes you make a mistake, and your mind just won't let you forget about it. You just keep playing back that horrible moment again and again like a broken record. And with every repeat, you cringe more, and all of it just makes you want to crawl into a shell and hide away until that moment is erased from your consciousness. You keep thinking back to it and wondering what you could've done differently, why did things turn out the way they did? Was there something wrong with you then? What was the point? and so on. You keep berating, criticizing, questioning, scolding, and chiding yourself until you forget about that awful memory.

You may be able to recall a handful of times in your life when an opportunity came your way, and you didn't take it. You must have thought that, you were not good enough, not "perfect" enough just yet. Or perhaps you were afraid, of the judgement that you would have to face, of what other people would have to say and so on.

Let me tell you one thing. If you let these fears, these fears of the unknown, of what could or couldn't be, hinder you from everything you want, how will you live? It is human tendency to want to be recognized, praised, and appreciated for what we do. To be considered as perfect and flawless from the get-go. However, the catch is, we are 'human' and so we can never be 'perfect' in the true sense of the word. There is always bound to be some flaw, or something to be improved or fixed. And that's completely okay. We are always a work in progress. That is our nature.

Some people can never start a project or an endeavour unless they are absolutely sure that everything is perfect and ready. Well, sometimes (not always), that perfect time never comes. Then they just end up not doing anything at all. That's how opportunities are missed. Sometimes when an opportunity comes, we should just take the leap. Don't look at what? how? why? where? when? Just do it. Cause if you wait, it may pass you by.

Lesson number 1: Don't wait for the perfect time. Just do it.

The next reason why people miss opportunities is because they are eternally scared of what other people will think of them. Maybe they are a beginner and they still have a lot to learn. Maybe it is considered 'cringe' to do that particular thing. Maybe they are embarrassed by themselves. One little tidbit I have to share is that, when you are starting out, it is almost always rough. Rough in the sense, you may fall, you'll make mistakes, you may not know what you are doing, it will be messy. That first step is always messy. But you have to continue. Cause if you stop to listen to the spite of others, you will not be able to move forward. Don't be afraid to be messy, because that is how we grow. Don't give anyone else space on your journey towards what you want for yourself. Ultimately only you can give that to yourself, through your hard-work, perseverance and initiative. So you have to be your biggest cheerleader, sometimes your only cheerleader, and move on towards you goal. No one ever reached great heights without taking that first step. It's not like they weren't scared either. But they had the courage to follow their dreams despite their fears. If you want something, then work towards it. If an opportunity comes, grab it by the horns, don't stop to think about anything else. If you know that in the end, it will make you happy, then do it. If you know, that if you don't take that opportunity, you will regret it, then take it. Don't remain paralysed by the fear of something you cannot control, that hasn't even happened yet. Let people laugh, mock, jeer and judge all they want. Do not listen to them. You are responsible for your own life. So make it your priority to give yourself the best life possible. You don't know what will be waiting for you on the other side of those rocky roads.

Lesson 2: Don't be afraid of that messy first step. Have courage and take it.

You only have one life, to do what you want, live your dreams and experience your desires. Don't waste it trying to reach these imaginary standards for perfection. Don't waste it fearing what others will think, do or say in response. Do not waste it in regret. Leave no space for regret. Be messy, be happy, be human.

Gone too soon, Fly to the moon, Find a place in the stars, Where you always belonged.

This is what we say, And it pains me but hey, What if I were more honest instead ?

About the anguish in my heart, And all the lasts, That I had with you without really knowing that it was.

What if I talked about That gnawing regret, That if I had known, The lingering what ifs, Had you stayed a while more, The terrible hope, That this is all just a farce, That this nightmare is soon to pass.

But I couldn't take it. It would be too much to bear. So I'll stay a little longer, Wishing you well, On your journey ahead, Into the unknown.

~~~~~~

About grief, about living on after life.

Do what you love, just for the sake of it. Just because it makes you happy. Not for somebody else, or for attention or appreciation, though its okay if you do it for those purposes. My point is, these days, that's almost always all we ever do. Whenever we indulge in something we love, especially of it's through a social platform, we often find ourselves in a tiring pursuit of likes, or appreciation or recognition of value, and so on. It has become the norm to always be able to derive some sort of benefit- monetary or otherwise, anything that propels you forward in the eyes of the world. I feel that many of us fall into this exhausting trap that eventually takes away from the real reason why you loved doing something in the first place.

Fame, fortune, recognition, acknowledgement in any form, can be so addictive. You can't deny the lure of it. You might find yourself experiencing that sudden thrill, rush, happiness when you receive some sort of acknowledgement for what you do. That's good when it happens. Revel in it, relish it, but don't rely on it. Don't let that ever be the sole reason for you doing what you love. Cause these things are often fleeting. They come and they go. Your happiness takes precedence. So let the main reason of you doing what excites you, whatever lights up your heart, be your happiness itself. Paint the colours you love, sing your heart out, dance until you run out of breath, write like there's no tomorrow. It doesn't have to be neat or perfect. It doesn't have to fit in those ridiculously small boxes that society draws for us. As long as you love it, as long as it has made you happy or relieved you of your feelings in any way, that is all that matters. Don't do it for everybody else. Do it for you. And if you happen to be documenting your journey online, don't worry if you see that your profile is not taking off or doing well in terms of engagement. Keep going, keep posting. The people who truly cherish your work for what it really is will find you in time. It doesn't have to be overnight to be special. Slow and steady is also remarkable. Just enjoy the journey and do it for yourself. You only have one life. Don't waste your time, energy and passion seeking the validation of others. It's your life. Do what you love.