City Wanderer

To remember about my negativity fast I have written it on my arm and plan to keep it there for the next forty days to remember that I am doing it. 

As I have been slowly working through the pain of the last seven months, I realised as the pain started to ease a little that I have allowed it to get to the core of my being. I have allowed pain to steal my identity and passion as well as  infest my life with negativity. Therefore with true determination, I have been renouncing lies which have crept into my life and declaring the truth of who I am? Who God says I am! I realised that one of my major issues is the negativity that has been the filter for my outlook on life. Now for someone who's one of top five strengths according to “Strength Finder” is positivity, that was some harsh reality. Therefore I decided that I will have to stand my ground and do a negativity fast. To summarise this basically means that for the next forty days I will avoid negativity, in all shapes and sizes. No negative word will leave my mouth and the positivity of each situation is the only aspect I shall talk about! 

The moon has been showing off, taking over the beautiful clear sky and shining bright and big. Her beauty and brightness making all the other stars disappear. Such beauty yet so hard to capture, especially if all you have to work with is your iPhone camera. Though the beauty of this night can be left to your imagination, you can see the clear sky and the skyline of the city, highlighted by its lights. I have attempted many times to take a picture of a beautiful still night, and as much as I love day, I romanticise about night. When it comes and it is quiet and dark, the mystery of things unseen wrapping around you. Peaceful and quiet giving you an escape from life, you cannot obtain during the day. 

This is one of the most aesthetically pleasing meals that I have ever made! Not only that it was also absolutely delicious though attempting to eat it alone did not go down well with my small stomach and I could only manage half of it! My journey with food has been a rather interesting one. When I was little my mum managed to teach me to eat everything, with time I started to drop things away saying I did not like them, so much so that one Christmas when I was four years old I would not eat anything from the Christmas table and asked for bread with jam. From then on it was a constant battle, I would hardly eat anything, and was often made to eat some veggies or fish or meat. I remember always being the last person sitting at the table in a nursery because I would not like the food. When I was eleven I gave up on meat all together, saying that it was disgusting I could not deal with the veins and so on! I became rather squeamish. It did not help that at that point I did not eat a lot of vegetables! Well, that is how I continued, feeding of cereal and pizza and maybe five different veggies occasionally. Until at nineteen, I have moved to Glasgow. Though my regard for food was still low, I decided that being as lonely as I was I will accept any invitations to dinner I will get and as long as the meal is vegetarian I will eat and not say anything. This started my journey back towards enjoying the food. After six months in Glasgow, I finally started cooking. I had a massive recipe book and I started working through it. After a year of being in Glasgow, I really started to enjoy food and I liked all the vegetables and cheeses and so on. Yet working in a cafe had an impact on my tolerance towards dairy. I could not justify eating dairy, knowing how much cows suffer and actually how disgusting it actually is! Therefore after a year of healthy eat everything, two years in Glasgow. I became vegan. That has been an interesting adventure and I have had moments of loving food and hating it. Few falls as well, as though Glasgow is very vegan-friendly my friends are not, and my parents do not support it either. Yet food does become boring to me as I have no time to make things I will love and have to eat the same things over and over again! At this moment I look at this and long for the food passion for coming back to me, but indifference towards food rules my body. 

The feeling of creativity taking over your rational thinking is very disturbing. You feel it so strongly that if you will no succumb to it life will lose all of its meaning. Experimenting is usually the thing I need to embrace in those times. Charcoal is not a medium I use often yet I have a full box of it in my drawer. Sometimes though the creativity is so strong that one thing is not enough to satisfy it. Therefore you create things you do not love, not knowing what it is you are looking for. Feeling as though everything makes you feel miserable and there is no freedom from your mind. The urge to create is so strong you do not even know what it is you are longing for! This drawing is one of those attempts yet creating it made me more frustrated than I was in the first place! 

How can I live the life I want to live?

Soul Food! That is what I cal things which instanly make you feel better. You feel inspired, positive, peaceful. The world suddenly is not so bad and scary. You feel like you suddenly know what true beauty is, what the point of life is? Nothing can touch in that world. Nothing will be too painful and there is no emotion which would not fit in there or change into a positive within half an hour. The quitness around you feels endless! The peace you feel knowing that there are places in the world untouched by human polution of noise and light! Places which are left to be as they were made! You sit in such a space and time suddenly disappears, have you been there five minutes or an hour? You do not know. All you feel is this peace and the silence around you is like a thick comforting blanket. You feel reenergised, you feel like you can conquer the wrold if you would want to. Such places are ones of most precious things in the world to me. 

Everyone lives with an idea what they want their life to look like, but how many of us actually live those lives? We always dream and want more. We are never satisfied. Life is good, I’m enjoying it, even though it is super busy but is it what I want my life to look like? No. My dream for my life is completely different. Dreaming comes easy to me but achieving them not so much. They always seem so far away and unreachable. How do we get to them? How do we make them happen? I do not have an answer for that. Especially when things you want are not depended just on you but also your friends, because they are based on the relationships that you have.  Maybe I do not talk enough with my friends about what I want out of life, or what I want it to be. Because I want a group of friends that spend a lot of time together. Come around to each other houses on a whim, and it’s okay. Friends that openly love and admire each other and there is no fear of ruining a friendship because people will be in love with the wrong person. Why is it so hard to be friends with people especially of opposite sex. Like I just like you and want to be your friend, that’s it. Why can’t it be so simple? 

Getting to play with your friends cat! Priceless!

Morskie Oko in Poland!

When summer comes to an end and the reality of life is just round the corner everything become bleak again! To keep myself free and relaxed I decided to have some beautiful jasmine tea in my favourite cup and teapot! This at least cheered me up a little bit as I was doing research for my history of costume unit!

Creativity is something that is in my blood and it absolutely takes over from time to time. I get so frustrated by the meaninglessness of everyday tasks and struggle to do anything. All I want to do in that moment is create. I feel that if I follow my feelings I will end up with something beautiful and rewarding but they often come at the least opportune moments. Is it just my procrastination kicking in? I do not know. Yet today I followed that feeling and I ended up here. It was not just a result of restlessness but a big thought process of why is it that holiday lifestyle is so different to the normal every day. Is there no way of pursuing the peace and relaxation of wandering through an unknown city in the reality of life? I want to try, I want to bring the holiday me to my reality. This might not be the best time as life is about to get super busy with college starting back in two weeks. But if not now then when?