Not All Who Wander Are Lost.

I had worked all winter. Hope I did not fail summer.

Even before high school, summers have always been a transformative period for me. A bridge between what came and what’s to come.

This summer was no different. As a friend put it, I was wired. Very much wired.

As another left it. Wired isn't the word! 😭😭 but it's contagious.

As I sat there on a Sunday morning reflecting on events of the last few hours, having finally driven up to my brother’s school ahead of his last year in college. Sitting in his room, music blaring, an HDMI cable, a text editor, working on branding for an upcoming festival in D.C. 

All the while a full blown college party was going on just outside the door. Some things haven’t changed.

Getting up at 5:30 after a brief snooze, we hiked up and caught the sunrise, along with two cameras and three lens in my bag. Bought his breakfast and lunch before seeing him off to work. Then hopping on a conference call a few hours later with some incredibly smart people to prep for a software development demo for the Department of Homeland later this week.

If nothing else, I’d say this summer has been about finding my balance.

I sat there in the fast food restaurant looking no doubt ridiculous camping on their Wi-Fi, and arranging my desk for the gram. I had just picked up a $300 pair of headphones, if for no other reason it’s been hailed as The best. If for another reason, six years ago I entered a Bang & Olufen store in Glasgow for a case study assignment and walked out with nothing but a few photos on my point-and-shoot camera and a humorous disbelief at the prices. And if for yet another reason, the Summer Sixteen edition of the second generation H6 happened to match my new laptop.

If I want it, I need it if I need it, I got it. That’s always been the motto.

That being said it has not been without its troubles. Like being declined for my U.S. citizenship for bureaucratic reasons. Or staring at the face of the lady at counter eight at the Chinese embassy for the upteenth time as she looks at my passport and says “I’m sorry, we can’t take your application at this time.” Despite the fact that I'd lived and studied in the country, I’d bought tickets two month ago, and having received written invitations from friends, colleagues, and universities in Zunyi, Shanghai and Ningbo. No explanations given, other than on being Nigerian, it was simply inconvenient at this time. Especially with China hosting the G20 conference this month.

And still darker moments.

Looking back at the years, I often feel incredibly frustrated that it’s taken me this long to get here, yet I feel a bit intimidated looking ahead and everything I’ve signed up for in the coming months. But I also look back at the last few months and realize that this year I’ve been able to show up for at least one family holiday, spend more time with my younger siblings than I’ve done in the last seven years, and perhaps ever (Admittedly almost always working with them). I’d also hosted a full afternoon for my mom and 14 aunts and was left truly frightened by how fast we’ve grown. And perhaps most notably last fall, I cosign for my mom’s first house a few years after she cosigned for my student loans. And earlier this summer, I paid out the loan she took out so I can enter my final year of school.

I just wish it hadn’t taken me this long.

(Alessia Cara + G-Eazy) x Young Bombs = Sublime.

A friend asked me what I thought of a particular track on The Weeknd’s latest album,  Beauty Behind the Madness. Big mistake.

So after more than a couple more listens. It's actually really really interesting dynamics at play here. In Shameless, The Weeknd is playing the role of the victim, though he's not at all innocent. If you take the whole track as a whole, here’s how things play out.

He cares for her just enough to not want to inflict pain. He can stay, he can leave, or he can exist somewhere in between. It's whatever she wants. It really doesn't matter, he just doesn't want to hurt her.

This 'pain' she feels is important because by definition it's the very opposite of 'shameless'. He knows he should let her go, but he knows he's still the best thing going for her. She wants more from him, more that he is 'unable, but not unwilling' to provide.

Yes, she's in it for the physical, but now also for this very pain that he lacks. While she is making attempts to move on, she can't simply because she's afraid to be loved. Something he, by nature cannot do.

So she comes back to him since he's the one person that can't love her, and he stays because he no longer has any shame, any of the pain. Is it him that's unable to fix her or is she that's scared to be fixed. Did they bring this on each other? Regardless, she now lives for this pain. He sees this. He's there, he's aware.

This really does call into question Stubborn Love by The Lumineers. "It's better to feel pain than nothing at all. The opposite of love is indifference." She feels pain. He's indifferent.

They each start at opposite end of a spectrum, but now coexist at a benumbed state. Shame is an extension of pain which is an extension of love, simply look at the etymology of the word 'passion'. Yes, he can't love her, but to his credit, he does care for her. In her defense, this pain is familiar, and arguably a lesser evil than consequence of love. It's common practice to self-inflict a consistent stream of pain than to endure it in it's sharper more severe forms. This is what she's choosing. It's comforting, and she can't be blamed for that. They cancel/balance each other out. There's a drop of each within the other. Yin and yang.

What makes the song fascinating is The Weeknd tries very hard to blur the line between who's playing what role. One can easily flip most aspects of this song and both characters will be just as much to blame. Cue Wicked Games and his own version of Trust Issues (he swapped "on one" with "popped one" or a few).

I did a piece a couple years ago chronicling the concept of love/shame as it breaks down a relationship. What’s happened here is not all too different. 

// This piece is fascinating, in and of it self, as a chapter within the album as a whole, and more importantly how this fits within The Weeknd’s evolution. I really want to explore this in more detail. I’m a fan of watching artists evolve. There’s so many parallels between him and other artists, (Gambio is just one) when comparing mixtapes, freshman, and now sophomore album. There’s a shift in persona as the chaos in which these artists are formed condenses. Not always for the better, but it’s always facilitating.

All my favorite companies or at least the ones that have gotten me excited over the last few weeks have just turned full 360.

Microsoft. WIndows 10 was supposed to be promising. It got me excited. I was (and probably am gonna write a lenght blog post about it. Then the Get Windows 10 icon shows up. More excitement. Weeks later.. wait this icon isn’t going anywhere? Try to hide it in the app menu, it eventually come back to where you left it. Apparently you need to do a Windows Update uninstall and/or change your registry setting to get the damn icon off. Really Microsoft? Is it really that serious? This is basically like buying something, and being stuck with a perpetual ad (which is what Kindle does.. but I don’t have one so no worries.) This infuriates me beyond reason.

Google Google music is the bomb! Or at least was. Took me a while to get it into it, but after my Chromecast trial expired and realizing uploading my whole collection to the cloud worked like a charm, I was hooked. Stared consuming a majority of my music this way. But wait, it gets better. Google bought Songa one of my favorite companies if not favorite in the music industry. Responsible for introducing me to a lot of my new music over the last few years. I imagined a future where Songa would have the force of Google behind it. Nope. Google just copied over the playlist and changed the icons, let’s charge for that. Didn’t work so they brought it back, cause free streaming is all the rage this day. In doing so they prioritized their own radio service over a user’s personal collection. Initially it was one or the other, now there seems to be an attempt to have both coexist. In all honesty, unless they can make both work within each other, I’d much rather have my music on one service, radio on Songza. 

Amazon Primeday. “More deals than black Friday” they said. Really? Amazon? Is that really what you delivered?

P.S. It’s fun to note the length of each rant has an inverse ratio to the companies I’m emotionally or otherwise invested in. Guess it’s true what they say, the ones that are closest to you hurt you the most.

In Buddhism, Avīci (Sanskrit and Pali for "without waves" — Japanese and Chinese: 無間地獄, Wújiàn dìyù and 阿鼻地獄, Ābí dìyù) or Avichi, is the lowest Level of the Naraka or "hell" realm, into which the dead who have committed grave misdeeds may be reborn. Avīci is often translated into English as "interminable" or "incessant", due to the idea that those beings which have been sent there languish there eternally.

I know I'll wither so peel away the bark Because nothing grows when it is dark In spite of all my fears, I can see it all so clear I see it all so clear

You go to loud places to find someone who will take you higher than I took you. Your’re in ecstasy without me. When you come down, I won’t be around..

I don't even know if I believe I don't even know if I wanna believe

So open up my eyes Tell me I'm alive This is never gonna go our way If I'm gonna have to guess what's on your mind.

ORD to IAD