InSaNe

You’re the convenient friend, convenient time pass, convenient relationship, convenient option for everyone.

You’re the person people hang out with because you’re easy, and always eager because you’re always just so desperate to feel wanted and not alone, but really you’re just convenient.

You know you’re not special, and that your spot in their life will be easily replaced and that they’d much rather someone else in their company- but again you’re just convenient. You’re the convenient option. The always available option.

I’m the friend who has best friends but isn’t the best friend. I’m the convenient friend. I’m the lover who falls in love but never the one being loved. I’m just the convenient route.

Im the ‘never says no’ friend. The ‘easy to take advantage of’ friend. The ‘can you do me a favour?’ friend. I’m the ‘useful until no longer of use’ friend. I’m the ‘I want to do something but everyone else is busy’ friend.

I’m the butt of the joke friend. I’m the punching bag friend. The forgotten friend. The one who’s feelings aren’t considered because I’m the ‘she’ll get over it’ friend.

I’m just the easy and convenient friend.

And that’s my own fault, thinking always being available, always being easy and giving more of myself will finally one day deem me worthy in someone’s eyes. Spoiler alert - it doesn’t. I’m still never enough.

It’s only a matter of time before the sand runs out.

It’s only a matter of time before they leave.

It just feels so inevitable at this point.

I know it’s going to happen so I try not to get too attached to people.

I try not to feel too disappointed now.

Im used to people leaving me. Even those I managed to convince myself won’t.

They all go eventually. They all forget about me. They all toss me to the side like I’m nothing.

Even feeling the positive feelings feel too much lately. I just don’t want to feel, I don’t want to experience I just want to disappear into thin air and not exist. I want to crawl out of my skin and go away.

I don’t want to die, I just want to disappear into oblivion never to be found again. Where I won’t have to feel, or experience, or live or see anything.

Suddenly, in my head I was 13 again, trying to find the courage to speak to people more.

Why is it when I express my emotions, I’m in the wrong?

Why is acceptable for others to express their emotions in the same way and they gain sympathy but I get cast out?

It’s not fair. Everyone always finds it so easy to be angry with me, to shut me out, to give me the silent treatment, to hold grudges against me and cut me off.

If it was someone else, they’d let it slide. But with me, I’m always the one who gets cast out. Why? Why is it so easy to do that to me? Why are people not afraid to lose me? Am I that worthless and meaningless in people’s lives? To my friends, to my family - am I that worthless?

Why is it so easy to abandon me? People find it so easy to just cut me loose, almost as though I’m not much of a loss at all.