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Chen Chen, from a poem titled "Elegy for My Sadness," featured in When I Grow Up I Want to Be a List of Further Possibilities
hey, it’s me again.
sorry. i know it’s late.
i just— i didn’t know who else to call.
i keep opening my contacts like people become softer after midnight, like maybe if the world is quiet enough someone will finally hear me correctly.
the tone keeps ringing.
it’s stupid, because i already know you’re not gonna answer.
but i still wait through the entire voicemail beep every single time, like hope is a habit instead of a feeling.
so here i am, talking to a machine again.
my room smells like cold air and old perfume and the inside of my head feels like a house after a fire. everything still standing, just ruined.
i think something is wrong with me.
not in the dramatic movie way, not in the pretty poetry way, just in the quiet way.
the way dishes rot in your room. the way messages stay unanswered. the way you start apologizing before you even speak.
i don’t want to die. i just want everything inside me to stop being so loud.
today i laughed at something i didn’t even find funny because everybody else was laughing and i think that was the moment i realized i haven’t felt real in weeks.
anyway.
i cleaned my room today. made my bed. watered the plants. looked functional enough that nobody would ask questions.
you’d be proud of me for that, i think.
or maybe you’d just say “i’m sorry things are hard right now” in that careful voice people use when they don’t know what to do with you anymore.
the beep is coming soon.
i can hear the silence changing.
i just called because i needed somebody to hear this version of me before i swallowed her whole again.
okay.
sorry.
you don’t have to call back.
Complex
This complex it compresses me
Dangling beneath the Apple tree
Serpents spitting tongues
Those two weren’t the chosen ones
I am the embodiment of the reborn
Prepare to face the scorn
It’s been so long
I’ve weathered this storm
These vowels they adorn
Pretty pictures of the thoughts
Spread new
I, myself, am hard to get through
It’s true what you’ve heard
Believe the whispers of the yellow birds
As their wings take hold
My breathing it grew shallow
As I make myself to be
Constant concerns
Nothing other than me
I really truly am my greatest enemy
In time I hope that I’ll heal fine
Words adorned like branches
They created a home
I’ve never nested
Quite like this before
Once the feathers are loose
The time spent collected
Well I spent it all on you
Soft touch, such a rush
Never knowing if you wanted me
Calmly finding the loose feathers
My Angel wings
They helped bury me

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Cheers to our shadows.
I’m not sure how to ask
Instead I’ll search your name
As if Google could personally inform me
Of all your losses and gains
The pain that remains
Shackled to feet
I’m diving deep
Somehow
You forgot how to swim
Yet I’m weighed down
Fighting against the current
Thinking,
Maybe she wants to drown
A sunken ship
Buried treasure
She’s a storm in any weather
Girl, this is getting heavy
We can’t even breathe to float
Only left holding onto hope
Remember when we lived like runaway kings?
Now your body stuck in the moat
Tell me this isn’t what you chose
Alligator tears fill your cup
Cheers to the lunatics
Your antics will never be enough
Oh baby how love can be tough
I just wanted to know the passing of time
Honestly it’s all too much
Can’t stomach to bare a thought
Maybe I’m all that I’ve got
You taught me that much
I wish you’d find yourself
home,
Come fly
wounded pigeon girl
We still love you.

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“You can’t go back and change the beginning, But you can start where you are and change the ending.”
— Unknown
Yosano Akiko, from a poem featured in River of Stars: The Poetry of Yosano Akiko
It’s not dramatic
When I’m manic
This panic takes hold
No time to plug my nose
Submerged,
I am swallowed
Piece by piece
Til I’m sand
Blowing across the ocean’s floor
Hallelujah
For dull, smooth edges
Tossing and turning
This darkness over time
Leaving me shining
Shimmering in the waves
Sun kissed glow
Reflections of the storms
Rolling, I’m rolling in again
Lips pressed
Sucking out your bourbon kisses
Always up waiting for the Misses
Please tonight
Just stomach me
Better Off without the nose bleeds
Really no sanity found in baggies
Just a headache of insecurities
Fist fought your demons
No one won
The game just wasn’t any fun

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming