The realization that you’ve broken your life and left someone you love behind- you.
The pain that memories cause me has become quite remarkable. I feel like I don’t have ties to that person anymore. I have lived in this body for years, seen this face in the mirror for my entire life... But I feel like I can’t see anything. I truly don’t recognize her. Looking at old photos, I feel so in love. A deep infatuation and lust for the girl I see. I don’t know what this kind of bubbling is, or what it means. But I do know it is causing me a great deal of pain beneath my ribs. So much in my life has changed, so much of it feels stale, manufactured- redundant. I have become rigid, I follow rules, I don’t make my own. I work so hard to make friends, and yet not a single person knows me. There is something so innocent, free, and alive about me at 16, 17 and 18. She was brilliant and hilarious, so deeply loved and admired by people. Now, I rarely feel seen. I feel mostly forgotten about. Mostly non existent. It makes me feel a lack of love and zest for living.
