⚜️sylvestribe⚜️

The FBI allegedly confirmed to Congress that, on the date of the protest that evolved into a riot, the enormous mob of plainclothes federal agents who stormed the Capitol Building was infiltrated by three MAGA voters. Those individuals were identified as Lectern Guy, Buffalo Hat Guy, and "the black guy from The Babylon Bee videos." Sources confirmed that everyone else involved in the incident was a federal agent.

"This whole thing appears to have been a big misunderstanding," said FBI Director Kash Patel. "I would have learned this sooner, but I hate reading files. It takes a really long time."

Congressional Republicans called on the FBI to explain how the matter got so out of hand when it was mostly federal agents involved. "We know the exact whereabouts and activities of the three civilians," said Congressman Thomas Massie. "That means it was federal agents who broke windows and planted pipe bombs. Why?"

Unfortunately, the answer to Massie's question will likely remain a mystery as Director Patel confirmed that there are simply "way too many" files to read. He has instead referred questions to his predecessor, former FBI Director Christopher Wray. Unfortunately, Wray was reported to have fled the country for "purely coincidental" reasons.