choke

it’s been awhile.

i want to start this off by saying i’m going to talk some dark shit below as well as some happy shit. if you don’t remember me hi my name is dakota, i was maybe about 12 when i started this account. it’s been ten years since then (i’m now 22) and i got a lot to say.

i firstly want to apologize for the attention i begged for and if i ever made anyone feel uncomfortable or weird with this blog. i was in a dark spot when i created it and i often used this blog to post stuff that would get me out of my own head (spoiler alert: it never worked). i’m not proud of the stuff i’ve posted and i cringe a lot thinking of what i was doing. i also want to thank anyone who tried to help or send comforting words/thoughts. at the time i didn’t understand no one could save me but myself and for that i apologize again.

i’ve been through some heavy shit including tons of childhood trauma and some bad shit inbetween. however. i want to let you guys know how much better things have gotten for me.

i’m working two jobs now. i’m currently in school, majoring in english, and i’m hoping to be publishing in the next few years. i live on my own. i have my license and im saving for a car. i’ve also cut contact with past people including family member who have brought harm to my life. things have gotten so much better for me.

but for things to get better they had to get worse. i can’t count how many times i’ve relapsed before things did get better. i started drinking a lot to cope. i’m almost three years clean of any form of self-harm. these past three years i’m happier than i’ve ever been. the reason for that is i surrounded myself with better people, i forced myself to get help - i saved my fucking self.

i’ve been in therapy for awhile now. it helps so much. it took awhile for me to find a medicine that helps me balance my mental health, but i got there, and it’s better than ever. i’ve been officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder & bipolar disorder as well things i already knew such as depression, anxiety, and ptsd. i’m not saying that i’m healed and i’m perfect - i have bad days just like everybody. and i’m not asking for pity or anything. but i do know i once did have a large following on this blog and i figured you guys should know how i’ve been.

things got better for me. i have 3 beautiful nephews i couldn’t ever imagine leaving. my siblings, the ones i considered to be half of my kids, i’d never let them bury their big sister. i’ve since met amazing people who were so much better for me and held my hand through this all. i learned the hard way how to save myself and i had to be at rock fucking bottom to get out.

i wish i could go back in time to tell young dakota all of this. the girl who didn’t understand she deserved so much better. i never though i’d make it to 18 and im thriving so much in my twenties. she never understood the life she deserved and i know if she could see me now she’d be crying with relief that it’s true, shit gets better.

suicide, self-harm, it’s not the answer. you deserve to be happy on this planet too. thank you again for the support i received when i needed it. i can’t express how running this blog as a young teen going through the worst years of my life may have gave me some damage but also helped at least a little. i had a place to express myself for the longest time. but things are different now. they’re better.

sincerely, your old friend