We sincerely apologize for our inactivity recently. All of us here have been simultaneously overwhelmed by school, work, and/or mental and physical health issues. We will be working on returning to more normal levels of activity over the coming weeks, so please bear with us as we get back into the swing of responding to your questions! 

Hey buddy,

Clothing can be a very common problem for trans/nb people, and I’m really sorry this is so frustrating. However there are definitely some things you can try. Just in case the problem is a sizing issue, it’s a common trick to buy skinny jeans a size larger than you normally wear and other cuts of jeans a size smaller. Jeans can be pretty uncompromising so little adjustments like that are something most people end up having to make. Something else to consider is that the higher the cut of the waist the more obvious your hips will be. For more straight cuts, if they show both a waist and a length size, another trick I’ve seen to avoid that drowning feeling is buying a pair with a larger waist size than usual and a smaller length size.

If sizing tricks don’t work, there are also some ways to alter how a pair looks. Sometimes, the easiest solution is just forgetting about length and looking for something purely based on how it fits your hips, then hemming or altering the legs to fit. You can sometimes find really cheap alteration places in the same shopping mall you buy your clothes. I’d only roll up the cuffs if you don’t mind looking shorter because cuffed pants often have that effect. With baggier or straight cut jeans I’d also recommend investing in some belts (or even suspenders if that goes with your style) because they can help make things look like they fit better and they look nice. Finally, for pants that make you feel insecure about your hips, another thing you can do is pair them with a low reaching vest or sweater or over shirt. It can help make you look more put together and conceal anything in the hip and upper thigh region that’s making you uncomfortable.

I hope these tips help! In my experience, jeans are super difficult articles of clothing to find and I’ve long since given up looking :). It’s a common clothing issue for a lot of people, even those who don’t have to struggle with finding clothes that weren’t designed with us in mind. And if you get discouraged, try picturing me at 5 years old looking like I’m wearing a denim tent, because that’s probably the best luck I’ve ever had with this evil form of pants.

Much love,

(2) Is that still the ‘correct’ term to use or can I ask my endocrinologist to phrase things differently? Medical language seems to be really transphobic in a lot of cases and although the letter adresses me as 'Sir’ (which made me quite happy) I feel super uncomfortable with the diagnosis it gives me. Is that silly? Thanks a lot!

Hey friend,

I think it would absolutely be fair to ask your doctor to use a different term. Since hirsutism is defined as unwanted male-pattern hair growth, it doesn’t even make sense for your doctor to describe it as hirsutism because it’s purposely induced through the testosterone. While there are certain terms that they need to use for medical clarity, I don’t think hirsutism is one of them! 

However, depending on how trans-friendly your endocrinologist is, it is possible they will be resistant to being asked to change their language. Next time you see them, I’d suggest bringing it up non-confrontationally. Particularly if you suspect they’ll be resistant, I would suggest trying not to question their medical authority in the context of asking. For example, rather than saying you don’t think hirsutism is accurate for you, saying that you know the term conveys important medical information, but you feel uncomfortable about it and wonder if there’s another way they could phrase it to get the same information across.

I hope that helps, friend!

Hey,

Thanks for the heads up. I’ve seen the blog and it’s extremely disturbing. If you’re trans/nb I strongly suggest not going on it.

Stay safe,

Trigger Warning: Anatomy, Surgery

Hey buddy!

There are several guides to the different mastectomy procedures. I’ll link a couple here that seem the most comprehensive. I should add a warning on the links for cissexism, dated terminology, and heavy use of the term ‘ftm’ as that type of label makes a lot of trans/nb people uncomfortable. Additionally, much of this information is written from a north american context so some data may not be transferable, especially in terms of cost and logistics:

This guide is prepared by Rainbow Health Ontario. They are a Canadian LGBTQ organization.

This one is from Hudson’s Guide. The site is a tad old and bare bones, but it has a lot of good information, especially for people just coming out or starting their transition.

This one is from the FTM Surgery Network. This is probably the best organized out of the three. I also recommend checking out the rest of the site for more resources and advice, especially if someone is considering having top surgery in the states.

I’ll also include a link to a post we’ve written on after surgery care, which I recommend reading as you consider the options available to you.

I hope this all helps, and good luck! If you need anything clarified or explained, or if you have any other questions please don’t hesitate to message us.

Much love,

Hey buddy,

I definitely understand where you’re coming from. It often feels like the ‘t’ is silent in the acronym and that dealing transphobia can feel like a footnote in a lot of lgbt activism. Unfortunately, separating the acronym like that has a bit of history attached to it. Transphobic and transmisogynist lgb people have made several attempts to remove the letter and trans people from the movement, and while not always, much of the time you see people use ‘lgb’ or ‘lgbq’ the purpose is to exclude trans people from their activism. I’ve also known a lot of lgb trans people who dislike the idea of separating the ‘t’ because they feel it compartmentalizes their identities.

 As a result, unfortunately, some trans people get their hackles up when ‘trans’ is treated as a separate category because of too many painful memories of this being a tactic to erase trans people and our experiences. This is one reason I don’t particularly like the acronym in the first place, as well as the fact that regardless of how the ‘t’ is treated, defining our community with 4 letters erases nonbinary people and especially those with genders from outside the western cultural context.

On the other hand, there is a problem with cis lgb people using their place within the acronym to distance themselves from transphobia/transmisogyny and cis privilege. I’ve seen several trans people take issue with cis lgb people labeling their oppressors as cishet, when too many trans people have learned all too painfully that cis lgb people can be just as transphobic and oppressive as cishet people.

In terms of whether or not you’re being sensible, I’d say yes. Transphobia and cis privilege in the lgbt community is too often brushed under the rug. As a trans/nb person, you have every right to feel uncomfortable with something you feel misrepresents or erases your experiences and issues. At the same time, it’s good to be aware that the removal of the ‘t’ from lgbt can have a rather tense history for others.

Much love,

2. My paper smear was extreamly traumatizing and painful. I never want to do it again honestly. It felt like assault. I I rather just go on bc. I have always been irregular but not this xtreme. My family has issues with periods and weight too.

Hey sweetheart,

I’m so sorry to hear that you had such a traumatizing experience. It’s unfortunately common for trans folks to experience medical visits this way because medical professionals often don’t make the effort to respect us and our bodies. If you’re finding that your past experience at the doctor are affecting you currently, these three posts are good resources for dealing with the aftereffects of trauma. Additionally, this post offers advice on dealing with doctors appointments after trauma.

Now, for the issue with your periods, there are a couple of things that you can try. The first is to consider non-hormonal forms of birth control, including IUDs (side note: copper IUDs are entirely non-hormonal, while other types are hormonal, but don’t involve estrogen). Levonorgestrel IUDs can last for years and often stop your period entirely. However, given IUDs are inserted internally, I can also see why that might not be an option you want to pursue. If that’s the case, hormonal birth control would be your best option for controlling your period, but you could ask for a progesterone based birth control rather than an estrogen based one. 

Something else that you may want to consider is getting your thyroid levels tested. Weight gain and heavy periods can both be symptoms of hypothyroidism, a fairly common condition that occurs when your thyroid doesn’t produce enough thyroid hormone. Getting this tested is easy and non-invasive–just a blood test. 

I hope that helps, friend. If there’s anything else we can do, don’t hesitate to reach out to us again.

Hey friend,

Thank you for sharing your experience! For the person who asked previously about the differences between gel and low-dose testosterone injections, this is something to consider.

Hey friend,

This is absolutely transphobic. Using a cis woman to represent a trans masculine character reduces trans people to their assigned gender, something that is all too common in representations of trans people. Even if the character hadn’t medically transitioned, there are many other ways to represent them that don’t involve cis women.

Hey sweetheart,

This dream does not say anything about your gender or sexual orientation. It is completely possible and in fact very common to experience bottom dysphoria and still have sex dreams or sexual experiences involving your anatomy. Arousal is just a biological function, and being physically sexually reactant to your anatomy does invalidate your bottom dysphoria. As confusing as it feels, your body is just doing its thing and trying to fulfill its needs.

Hey friend,

I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this lack of support. It’s incredibly frustrating and ableist that your brother and classmates are using your mental illness to invalidate your gender. That rests on the ableist assumption that neurodivergent people are unable to know and understand themselves in the same way that neurotypical people do. That is completely false. The knowledge that neurodivergent people have about themselves is every bit as valuable and deserves to be respected just as much as the knowledge that neurotypical people have about themselves.

Now ideally, we would educate your brother and classmates about how and why they’re being ableist. We would teach them about the validity neurodivergent people’s experiences of gender and about the validity of gender identities and experiences based in neurodivergence. However, given the context that you’re living in, this may be difficult. In this case, it may be helpful to focus your conversation with your brother and classmates on how their misgendering negatively affects you. For example, you could say something like, “Hey, I feel really hurt/upset/angry when you misgender me even though you know I’m aporagender. Especially because my parents don’t support my gender, it would mean a lot to me if you could use my correct pronouns/name when talking to or about me.” This way, even if they don’t necessarily understand your gender, hopefully they’ll respect it.

Of course, if you feel that your brother or any of your classmates would be receptive to learning about how they’re being ableist, educating them could be tremendously helpful! If even one or two people start gendering you correctly, it will likely influence others to follow their lead. Some starting points from this approach would be to ask them why they think your knowledge of your gender is less valid because of your mental illness.

I hope that helps, sweetheart. Remember to stay safe; as frustrating as being in the closet with your parents is, your safety is the first priority.

Hey! 

Each doctor will give you their own overview of what they consider the risks and benefits of hrt to be, however the way my endo put it was essentially this: you’ll gain features that are typically associated with a male disposition (things like facial and body hair, changed hairline, deepening of the voice, redistribution of fat). These things are technically considered side effects. You will also be more susceptible to illnesses also associated with males (greater risk of heart attack or stroke, increased red blood cells, etc.). In addition, there are some effects that have not been properly studied, but are worth monitoring (thinning of reproductive organ lining, changes in brain structure, changes in fertility, etc.)

If you would like a more detailed layout, I’ve attached an example of pretty standard informed consent paperwork here

Hope this helped! 

Hey sweetheart, 

Those kinds of invalidating things are very difficult to hear, especially from your own parents. I got the exact same spiel about “going that route” from my father, it’s not fun stuff. As it stands though, you have two big options in dealing with this. 

1. Educate your parents. None of the terms exist outside of tumblr? Actually, they’re wrong! Nonbinary genders and the dismissal of the binary gender spectrum have been common themes all throughout history! In fact, the western thinking about not only gender but modern gender roles is a relatively recent thing. The role of gender in society - even just in the last 100 or so years - has been so fluid that there’s really no “traditional” way of looking at it. If your mom thinks the contrary, it’s likely because - ironically - she’s too young to know any better. She wasn't’ around for the way gender was performed even 100 years ago, her influences were likely taken entirely from the 50′s focus on the “Nuclear Family”. If she is likely to respond to your educating her on the subject, do so! Bring in the facts! The flowcharts! Teach her a lesson! If not, proceed to step 2. 

2. If your parents won’t accept you (and unfortunately sometimes they just won’t) surround yourself with people who do. Making friends and a chosen family that not only accept but love and support your gender experience is an incredibly affirming thing. If you’ve already found yourself a group of people that fit the bill, well done! Now comes the deceptively difficult part: lean on them. Let them help you. The role of parents is an important one, but the world is unfortunately not an idyllic place, and sometimes you just have to accept that your parents aren’t there for you. Learning to take some of the emotional dependence off of them and onto yourself and your chosen loved ones is a process, and a difficult one, but its also rewarding in its own way. This is all a bit ahead of myself really, because for all I know, step 1 worked. If so, congrats on your success! But if not, don’t feel responsible. The approval of your parents is not a requirement for you to be a good and happy person. You’re already like that on your own. It may take your parents some time to accept and understand you, and until then you need to make sure you’re getting emotional support from those that truly love you for you. 

I hope these suggestions were helpful, and last but not least (because I gather your mom didn’t say it) congrats on the successful binding! That’s always a good feeling. 

If you need any further support or advice, please let us know! We’re here for you.

Much love,

Hey there, 

We’re glad to hear you took the learning experience to heart! There’s nothing better than a person responding well to being corrected about terminology. Thanks, and much love back to you! 

P2 I either don’t have it for months or have it for months. Some days it’s super heavy other days spotting. Seems like a possible solution is BC but I really don’t want anymore estrogen in me. So im just feeling really shitty and gross about my body.

TW MENSTRUATION, BODY IMAGE 

Hey bud,

Sounds like you’re having a pretty difficult time with dysphoria and body image lately. Those feelings are always difficult and painful, and I’m sorry you’re going through that. Because each instance of dysphoria is unique and brings its own challenges, I can’t give you any definitive answers on how to deal with your problem, but I have one recommendation. Start the journey. 

The journey toward self love and body positivity is a difficult one, and everyone finds it differently. For some people it’s through exercise, for others its through finding ways to capture their body in positive ways (like art). Whatever your personal journey may be, the most important thing is that you start it! There’ll be plenty of false starts and failed attempts, but ultimately investing time in supporting yourself emotionally is never a bad thing. Just pick a direction and go. 

As for the period specific stuff, that’s difficult all on its own, both for dysphoria and for convenience. Before starting T I often encountered the same thing. I’d recommend (if you have access to one) going to see a doctor. A spotty period can occasionally be symptomatic of something larger, and even if its not, they can prescribe something to keep you more consistent (which will make the emotional weight of the occurrences much easier to handle, take it from me). 

I hope this response was helpful. If you ever need anything else, don’t hesitate to ask. We love and support you! 

Best wishes,