imsofuckingexcitedtoseeDINOBONES!!!!????(andotherthings)

what does one do when they love someone and know it's not mutual... well, obviously you do your best to make sure they are happy and not pressured and you keep it all inside and do your best to just be whatever version of a person they want... because you realized that the more you care, the less he does... the more you love, the more hurt you end up... so when he leaves for work, you bite your tongue and don't dare say it (you almost say it and realize your sleepy ass almost sold you out...) but hey, the extra kisses he gives and the way he makes me feel special (even if I'm not...) makes it all worth it... at least I get to enjoy some of him... it's just so easy to "be" with him... and in a life where nothing else is easy... the way it feels to be with him... i wish I could tell the future... then I'd know how badly I'm just setting myself up to be hurt... or if somehow... it really is us in the end... a girl can dream...

(she in fact had much to say... it was a matter of it being things he wouldn't want to hear, or things he doesn't need to...)

is he suggesting doing all these things out of pity... or because he wants to do them with me?... and why does he want to do them with me?... all of the sudden? cause it'd be fun as friends?... or because it's like little dates we could do... but that's silly to assume any of them would be a date... i mean who wouldn't want to go to the zoo or have a little picnic or go to Royal tyrell together... it doesn't mean it's a date just cause I want it to be and because it would be cute if it was... so I can't read any of it as that... but like is he asking me because he wants /us/ to do things /together/ ? or is hoping /that/ just gonna get myself hurt again?... but then again ... He has referred to helping me if something happened with my place or us having a picnic but not this year cause ticks... it keeps making it sound like he'll be around... but I've been hopeful and hurt by things before... but I mean... he IS still around and in my life after all this time... but hey I mean... stuff is fun so maybe it's just that... but the stress of our fighting... maybe there is more he's holding on to too... or maybe I'm just setting myself up for failure again...

it's not like he wants something real for real anyways ... and /that/ is why I will be keeping space while I attend my CBT and other appointments over the next while... I mean... am I in tears as I send messages acting like I can't jump at the opportunity to be with him...fuck yeah... because I can't... if it was something that was real to him, I would never be too tired or too busy to see him, he is my happy place... well... he's my happy place when I'm fooling myself that it's real to him too and that we are for forever... he's my happy place when it /feels/ real... then reality kicks in and I remember that stuff just doesn't work out how you imagine it in your head, no matter how hard you wish... and then everything hurts more and my brain can't help but fixate on stupid things that brought the situation to the point it is...

??? apparently this one person who ( I kinda ghosted a while ago...) I had called out on his mental health and his drinking, (and just stopped replying to him when he was bored...) reached out to see if I'd looked into lyme disease yet and to let me know he's getting help ??? he actually ??? is doing something ??? about it ??? wtf ??? like no I mean like wtf ?!? good for you man !!! hell yeah !!! therapy and looking into getting help with your addiction ??? shit ya dude !!! (assuming he does it and he gets better...)