The Volturi's Princess

The Volturi

Caius 

Felix 

Alec

Jane 

Demetri 

Smau's

Christmas 2024

LLYD series

The Cullens:

Carlisle 

Jasper 

Alice   

Rosalie

The Romanians:

Vladimir 

Stefan

Rules

When it comes to writing these, I will add warnings (angst, violence, smut, etc.)

With smut, I have not written it as much, so those will take a while to write

If you have request, don't hesitate to ask, I will try to get to them quickly but I do have school

I will also be posting mood boards of different characters (you are also welcome to requests those)

1000 A.D.

“You know páppa loves you very much, right?

“I know páppa”

“And you know that páppa would never leave you, right?”

“I know páppa”

“Good because tomorrow Páppa needs to go help some people with the stars”

“The stars?”

He smiled warmly as he held my small hand in his large warm one.

“Yeah….you see people want to name the stars and find them in the sky but they can’t without me, so I’m going to be gone tomorrow to help”

“Oh…so no bedtime story tomorrow?”

His smile turned a bit sheepish at my question.

“No my little kardia” I felt my face drop slightly at his answer but he quickly reassured me,”....but i will make it up with telling you two stories tonight, is that okay?”

“Yes páppa”

“Good…now which story do you want to hear tonight”

“The one about the little monster”

He chuckled slightly at my answer. “That’s your favorite one, is it not?”

I nod vigorously, his laughter soon follows with my nodding. 

“Ok now pick another one”

“Can you come up with a new one?”

He smiled at the question, he was always the creative one with stories.

“Ok I can do that, which one do you want to hear first”

“The new one first”

“Were well then….now come here and cuddle close so you can hear the story”

I immediately cuddle to his side as he wraps his arm around me while pulling the blanket over us as he goes on with his story. 

“This story is called The Four Seasons. There were once four brothers called Summer, Autumn, Winter and Spring. It was said they were called that because they were each born in different seasons…that is how we got the names to our season. One day, Winter left to go on his own adventure, he wanted to see the world on his own as he always felt he was the black sheep of the family, he thought nobody would care if he left. Winter has even heard in the past that his weather brings sadness and pain, and he didn't want to cause any more pain to others than he does to himself. 

What he didn't know was when he left, his three brothers grew depressed from his absence. He was the oldest, therefore they looked up at him and depended on him. He was the one that brought real joy within the family. In the time Winter was gone, Summer could not bring much sunshine, Spring could not blossom as many flowers as he usually did, and Autumn brought the cold too soon. The cold was a year round weather, everyone in the village they watched over suffered from the coldness. Villagers started to get sickness, sickness that led them to death. 

Some of the people in the village went up to the remaining three brothers and begged them to bring back Winter. They knew if he came back, the brothers would find their balance, their peace, their happiness they once had. In other words, life would be in harmony once again. But it was impossible to get to the three remaining brothers, they had enclosed themselves in their own little worlds where the walls were too tall to climb and too dangerous to get through.

The only hope the villagers had was for Winter to come back on his own or for the brothers to get over their depression period and start focusing on their seasons as they should be. Centuries went by, no sign of Winter, and the brothers have made no progress in bringing back their season to their original state. People over the years have given up on the brothers in ever bringing back any sort of warmth or hope of going back to how it was before, they even started to not believe in their existence. They all left the brothers and moved to other parts of the world where there were hints of the sun, flowers, and any type of greenery. 

Amongst all of that grief, loss, sadness that was in that village, a glimmer of hope came. One day, Winter decided to come back to his original home. It has been eleven centuries since he left home and despite him thinking he was doing what was best for his brothers, and thinking he did not fit with them, he missed them. He missed the brief moments of joy they shared, the laughter, the endless memories that keep him going through the centuries even if he tried to forget them. He missed it, he truly did.

When he got back to the village, he noticed how cold it felt, not his usual cold that he would bring with his season, but colder than anything in the world. It was abandoned, not a single villager was in sight, the houses destroyed, the water dirty and not clear as it always was, the green that Summer and Spring keep alive was gone, dried up and forgotten. Winter could not believe what had become of the place he once called home, he immediately started to seek out his brothers. When he got to the area where he once lived, he stood frozen in place, his home was surrounded by tall walls of chaos, trying to get through would have frozen any mortal in place and killed them immediately. 

He called out to them but he got no answer, he tried to get through but there was too much darkness to know where he was going. He even tried to climb over but he fell multiple times. He felt stuck, he had no way to reach his brothers. He started to feel maybe this was a bad idea of coming home or it was a bad idea that he left it in the first place. Would life been better if he stayed? He already knew the answer to that question, if he stayed from the beginning, he would have lost himself at some point and felt trapped as he felt now, trying to reach his brothers. 

Without him realizing since he was stuck in a whirlwind of endless thoughts, little flurries were starting to fall from the sky. Not only outside of the walls but also inside where his brothers were at. The walls were starting to come down slowly, the darkness and chaos was starting to vanish. Winter saw that and waited for it to be completely gone, and when that happened, on the other side of the wall stood his three brothers, mimicking his stance. 

What happened next could be described as a symphony of colors and emotions. The four hugged each other as if tomorrow would not come, their respect seasons swirled around the four as it started to spread all around them. The once dark, abandoned, dead village started to look like paradise. It started to look better than before Winter left. There was no need for apologies or moments of vulnerability, all that mattered at that moment was that they were united as four brothers once again.”

By the time he was finishing the story my eyes were dropping and I was feeling sleep overcome me. But  before I fell asleep I heard him say “Good night my little Kardia”. I never knew those were going to be  the last words he said to me.

Demetri’s POV

“Sir? I think we found another constellation” 

I look up from my constellation journal I've been working on for years as I turn to the young man. 

“I will be there in a second, I am finishing up a sketch"

“No worries sir, take your time”

I continued with my sketch,  I reached out for my canteen to drink some water but noticed it was empty. Figures. I got up and went to a river that was down the hill where we were settled to look at the stars. It was so peaceful here, no need to run around the village to do errands or worry my little kardia will get hurt by some strangers. She would love it here, I could picture it already, she would be laying on the grass trying to figure out the different constellations, or she would run around chasing after the rabbits that would sometimes bless us with their presences once in a while. I know she will catch one eventually and beg me to let her take it home. I would without a doubt or much convincing tell her she can because I know that would make her happy. 

That's all that matters to me, seeing her happy and making sure she is safe. She's all I have in this life now, she's the center of my universe and that's how it will always be. As I was filling my canteen I heard footsteps behind me. I just assumed it was one of the people who were also looking at the stars so I didn't pay much attention.

“Are you Demetrius?”

Without turning to face the person I answered them. “Yes, that is me. How can I help you?”

My canteen at that time was full and I stood up to face the person. But they were nowhere to be spotted. I could have sworn there was someone because who did I answer then? Maybe I was hearing things, I was awake for the whole day and plan to be awake longer until the sun rises, so it could be that my mind is playing tricks with me. I looked around to see if I was actually alone and saw that I was. Strange.  

I walked up the hill and saw everyone on the ground. As I walked closer they all had a mark on their necks, bite marks. I tried shaking them awake but there was no pulse and I could not hear a heartbeat as I leaned into their chest to hear for one. What happened here?

I looked around the field to see if I could see who could have done this or what could have caused this but there was nothing for miles, no nearby village and my own village is miles away from here. If whatever caused this were to spread, my village would be hit first. My little Kadria! I immediately started to grab my stuff to hurry to her, I cannot let anything happen to her. I was about to run off when a hand grabbed my neck, my eyes widened as I tried to see who it was.

I found it impossible to move my head to the side since they had a strong hold on my neck, preventing any neck movements. I tried to wrestle out of their grip but failed, their grip only tightened when I did that. I felt my lungs grasping any hint of air I could muster to breathe in through my nose or through my mouth but I was finding it so hard with the type grip of the hand on my neck. I felt teeth sink into my neck and everything went dark. 

I felt passed memories flicker through the pain, most of those memories reflected her. My little life and my source of joy, the one who kept me going in this life. When I opened my eyes I knew at that moment…I was far from home. I sat up looking at my surroundings but I was in a dark room with four torches on each of the walls. My throat felt so dry, I had a strong desire for…blood? Who in their right mind would crave such a thing? Not a human for sure, has some God cursed me? What could I done in my life to anger them in some way? 

Is my little kardia okay? Am I going to be able to see her soon? She's going to wake up from her nana house and wonder where her páppa is. She always wakes up to see me, I’m the first she sees, it's part of her ritual when she wakes up. I hear the door open and I turn to see a man, his face is slightly concealed from my gaze but I have a feeling he is the one who lives here, wherever here is. 

“I see you are finally awake, you been out for 3 days”

3 days? I was asleep for that long? At least I think I was asleep, I felt pain in various moments. But I was out for three days? She's going to worry for sure, I have never been away from her for this long, the most has been a day. I look at the man wanting to ask questions but I find myself not able to, the burning in my throat is so strong.

“Here this will help”

I was handed a cup with some dark liquid in it, I drank it like my life depended on it. Even as I drained every last drop, I wanted more, I needed more. I felt my throat feel less of that burning sensation but I still felt it. I look at the man who stood at a distance now. I wonder if he was the one who killed all those people in the field, was he the one who sank their teeth into my neck?

“Did you kill those people in the field?”

“Yes”

His response was immediate, it was if he was expecting me to ask that question.

“Why?”

“I couldn't risk people knowing what happened to you or go looking for you”

Looking for me? What about my daughter? 

“What do you mean by that?”

Now he's quiet. He's either thinking how to say his next words for me to understand or is coming up with a lie to hide his true intentions.

“I happened to be watching you when you look at the constellations, I believe you had a gift that can be useful to me”

“That does not answer my question, and where am I?”

“You are not in Greece if you are wondering, and to answer your question, if I turned you there in the field with the humans around, they would of heard you or gone looking for you, start a whole mission to find you”

“Theres going to be people who will go looking for me in my home, I am well known”

“They been taken care of”

I felt my body go stiff, I felt my mind go blank at his words. Have the people in my village faced the same outcome as the ones in the field? Are they all dead? Is my daughter also dead?

“Are you saying everyone is dead?”

“No…but you cannot risk showing yourself to them”

“And why’s that?”

“You are not human, you could harm them”

I don't know if I should be angry, devastated or how to feel right now after hearing that. I'm never going to be able to go back home. I'm not going to be able to see my little girl grow up to become a young woman, I won't be able to see her marry a man who loves her but not as much as I love her. I won't see her having children, I wont know if I will become a grandfather. I will never see her again. 

With hesitation I ask the question that I know will change my life forever. “What am I?”

“A vampire”

I truly have been cursed by the Gods. 

Y/N POV

Present time

“Why can't I go? You are letting Benjamin and Tia go but not me”

“It is not safe for you to go with us, if a fight breaks between the Volturi and the others, you could die”

“I can defend myself perfectly, I have had centuries and centuries of practice in every art of sparring and to master my gift”

Benjamin and Tia came to me, each standing on either side of me.

“Amun she will be fine, we will protect her, and she makes a great point”

I knew Amun was going to lose this argument, when both Benjamin and Tia stood with me, it is hard to go against me. They have been like older siblings to me these past centuries, they were the ones who found me after all when I was almost at the point of death, and Benjamin was the one who turned me. I saw Amun nod his head once then walk away with Kebi. I gave Benjamin and Tia a small grateful smile as I walked off to my room. 

I've never met the Volturi before or these supposed friends of Amun, all I know is the Volturi are evil and have vampires who are part of their coven with dangerous gifts. Whereas Amun's friends are “tolerable” as he says. It will be nice to leave Egypt for a while and see the States, I never traveled that far before. And from what I heard I will get to see the forest, I wonder if it will look like from the stories my páppa would tell me. 

That's all I can remember from him, his stories. I waited day after day since his disappearance on our little steps to our home hoping to see him walking to the house. But he never came back, years after his disappearance I heard people say he died or he just left to go live a new life in a new town. Maybe he was Winter, he wanted to explore on his own and at some point he was going to return. I wish that was the case, but then life turned when I almost died. 

When my nana died I was eleven, I had no one else to look after me, I was once again left behind. I wandered the streets on my own, some people took pity or empathy for me and would give me food. After 3 years of doing that I left town, I went to the neighboring town thinking life would be better. Everything was going fine for a couple of months until winter came. It was colder this year and lodging was full, I had no way to keep warm. As the days got colder I got sick, my legs grew weak, my skin was as cold as the weather. I was waiting for the day that I would take my last breath in a small abandoned barn. I was cuddled into the corner with the hay remembering the stories of my páppa. At some point I think I did die but when I woke up I was not in that small barn. I also remember that when I was about to close my eyes forever I saw a figure, in my hazy almost unconscious state, I thought it was him. I think I even said his name but I was not sure because by that time I was out like the light. 

Not a day went by that I didn't think about him, it's cruel how I only got to spend six years with him, almost half of that time together I couldn't even remember much. My thoughts tend to wonder more to him when I see snow, I think of him as Winter from the story. He left me but one day we will reunite, maybe not in this lifetime but for sure in the next one. 

Today I am finally meeting the other witness, they were kind in some way. But the way they looked at me, as if they knew something about me that I didn't. I've never met these vampires but they appear to already know something about me. I met the child that caused all of these issues, she seemed fine to me, but it was the parents I didn't like. The father who I found out was a mind reader, stared at me with a strange look with a side of skepticism. He didn't trust me, I could feel it, which is strange since this is my first time meeting him. 

On the days when I was treated like that I would go into the forest, use my gift to blend in with nature and be on my own. It's not like I'm not used to it. Despite Benjamin and Tia being like older siblings to me, they are always together alone, they are mates so I understand that but they seem to forget me once in a while. Being in a coven with four other people has never felt so lonely before. 

We were told once the snow started to stick to the ground is when the confrontation with the Volturi would happen. There was something about this confrontation that didn't scare me for some reason but I couldn't pinpoint why. I was on the porch of the Cullens home seeing how the snow was finally sticking, another year of snow and another period to think about my páppa but this time there could be a chance I could reunite with him in the heavens. That is…if we all die in this confrontation.

We all walked into the field where the confrontation would be, it was a sea of white, snow that was untouched by any living thing for miles. I was walking in between Tia and Benjamin, and I started to feel a bit nervous now but I didn't let it show. We all took our stances in the snow as we waited for the Volturi to arrive. I wonder if they would be as scary as their gifts. I heard there are two members who are close to my human age, which makes me think how bad they could actually be. 

“The red coats are coming, the red coats are coming”

I heard one of the witnesses say, which could only mean one thing, the Volturi was coming. At a distance I could see a wave of vampires in dark cloaks, it looked like a sea of black compared to the white of the snow. They all moved in sync, as if they practiced this countless times beforehand. When they were closer, a smaller cluster of them moved forward, I could assume it was the Kings with their elite guard. They removed their hoods, I was shocked to say they were all beautiful. When they removed their hoods, I felt a weird familiar pull to them, a pull that maybe I know one of them or something like that. How would that even be possible since this is my first time meeting them.

I look at each guard and King individually to see which member could have been giving me that pull. As I looked at the last guard I felt my whole being freeze, it can't be? He looks just like my…páppa? How can that be possible, how could he be alive this whole time? I wanted to cry but my stupid vampire self can't even actually cry. I wanted to run off to him and never let go but I don't think anybody knows that…wait. Is this why everyone has been acting weird around me? I turned my gaze slowly to look at everyone else, I particularly glared at Edward who was already looking at me. 

“You knew?”

I said it through my mind and he nodded slowly. I felt anger and sadness creep in as I look back to the Volturi, my gaze mostly going straight to my dad. I need to run to him, does he notice me yet? Maybe he can't because last time he saw me I was six…im now fifteen in my human years, forever a teen. But the pull feels so strong, it feels like a string is physically pulling me to him. 

I saw him look at each of us and when he looked at me I saw his face concur to a look of confusion but also a look of recognition. Is it clicking for him? Is he trying to figure out where he might know me? I decided to let him know it's me with just one word, the word that when I think of it all my memories of him come flashing back.

“Páppa”

His eyes then widened in realization, I saw him go through the same thought process I went through not that long ago. I saw the internal conflict of wanting to run to me but couldn't from our current positions on the field. At this point I wasn't paying attention to what was being said with the others or the conflict we are facing, all that mattered was my dad. 

I saw him reach for one of the kings who went to the main King with the dark long hair, Aro. He looked back to my dad who then reached his hand to his, there was a silent internal conversation that I wanted to know what was being said. The witnesses were looking at one another in confusion minus Edward since he knew what was happening with using his gift. Aro looked right at me with a look of fascination, he motioned for me to come to him.

I looked around me as everyone stared at me, I ignored my coven's protest as I walked across the gap to the Volturi, I felt more and more nervous as to think I’m finally going to reunite with my dad after such time has passed. I was barely half way there when suddenly I was in someone's arms, my dads arms to be exact. I hugged him in return not wanting to let go anytime soon, I was finally in his arms, the same ones that would hold me at night when comforting me from my nightmares or when there was thunder. 

“Demetri…bring her here, I wanna meet her”

I felt my dad let me go with reluctance but he guided me to Aro who looked the most excited to meet me. When I stood in front of him, he immediately reached a hand which I looked at with hesitation. 

“Its okay my little Kardia, he wont hurt you”

I looked up at my dad, I suddenly felt like I was six all over again and he was telling me those exact words when I was a bit scared to pet a wild stallion. He even gave me that same small smile from that memory. I nodded as I grabbed Aro’s hand, my dad’s hand stayed on my upper back as he caressed me slowly, something he always did when I was nervous or when he would talk to others and I was with him. 

Everything came flashing back, to my early memories of when I was a human, to the fond memories I carried with me through my vampire years of my dad and me, nothing was left out as I recounted my every thought. Even the memories I wished I could forget came back, the loneliness, the feeling of being left behind or forgotten, the feeling of being close to death, to the feeling of finally feeling whole with my dad. 

Aro let go of my hand as he stared into my soul for a moment, it could be described as a he was trying to see if I was real or not. I started to feel a bit uncomfortable as I shifted slightly as I felt my dad wrap his arm around me instead. It is funny how before when he would do I would basically drown into him and even now as I was older and a bit taller I still feel like I’m drowning in his cloak. 

“My, my what a life you have had little one”

I wasn't sure how to respond or how to act, if it was appropriate to nod or to speak up, so I decided to just stay quiet. 

“You really are our dear Demetris daughter, how has he not been able to track you or know that you are alive?”

I furrowed my eyebrows trying to understand his question, I would have assumed he thought I died, I thought he was dead or he left me. I didn't even think about going to look for him because I was a child at the time, heck I started to believe all the stories people were saying about my dad later in life. It didn't make me bitter but I did feel a bit angry toward him. 

My gift also masked me from others, I did grow to be a strong fighter but my gift was something that fascinated Amun. He helped me mask Benjamin and Tia from others, now that I think about it I think he was doing that to hide us from the Volturi, so they could not find out about mine and Benjamins gift or our existence.

“Master I was told it was too dangerous to go after her or get near her, I would of found a way to end my own existence if I ever caused her any harm for being what I am”

I looked up at my dad as he said his explanation, he stayed away from me for my safety? That sounds like my dad, at least one of us still had a bit of humanity when we were turned, when I was turned, I was angry for years. I became a whole other being, it took me a couple of decades until I was calm and back to my somewhat old self. 

“You stayed away for my sake?”

He looked down to me, his red eyes were the exact shade as mine, how was that even possible? I guess it makes sense, in our human years I had his eyes.

“Of course, it was the hardest decision in my whole life, still is, I would do anything to keep you safe, even if it meant to…leave you behind”

I felt my eyes fill with venom again as his eyes did the same thing, like father like daughter. He pulled me into another hug and kept me there until a sharp voice spoke up.

“Enough of this, let us handle this later, for now the Cullens still have committed a crime, justice must be serve”

I have forgotten why we are here. The whole immortal child problem went over my head the moment I saw my dad, at that point I didn't even care what they did to them. They kept a secret from me for a couple of weeks and I almost started to think the Volturi were the bad guys as they said they were. My whole vampire existence I lived with the thought I lost my dad but it turned out he wasn't even that far away from me. Did Amun know who my dad was? Did Benjamin and Tia know also?

“No Y/n they didnt know from the beginning”

I turned my buried face that was in my dad’s chest to look at Edward who stepped forward. How can I even be sure he is telling the truth? They already lied once, they could easily lie again?

“You just got to trust me”

“How am I supposed to trust you? You knew who I was and you kept the existence of my dad hidden from me”

“He did what now?”

I turned my gaze back to my dad who was still holding me, his features sharpened, I don't think I ever saw him angry before.

“They knew I was your daughter, and they didn't tell me you were alive”

“Demetri please, we didn't mean to cause harm, we needed the numbers in case we broke out into…”

“SILENCE”

Everything went quiet, If I could flinch I would have by the way Caius voice echoed through the field. Aro once again wasn't far from bringing order once again.

“Brother there was no need for the theatrics, I know we are all on edge with the sudden revelation of news but for now let us discuss the unjust that has happened to our Demetri and his little one”

As much as I am not thrilled with the Cullens and the others right now, they didn’t create an immortal child, I honestly want all of this to be over so I can spend eternity with my dad already. I do not want to be separated from him again, I will join the Volturi in a heartbeat if it means I can be with my dad.

“Uh…Mister Aro sir?

The mentioned name instantly looked at me with a look of wonder at the way I addressed him, I must have been the first to call him that but I wasn't sure what to call him at that moment. 

“Yes, little one?”

“The Cullens didn't create an immortal child, I got to meet the child myself and she has a heartbeat, and her cheeks have color”

“My kardia, why are you defending these…these monsters? They kept you away from me, they keep me away from you”

“Páppa…im not defending them….I just want this to be over with already so I can go home with you”

The way his sharpness from earlier vanish like the wind looks comical. Aro clapped his hands once as he let out a laugh, at least I thought it was a laugh.

“My dear one, you truly are your fathers daughter, you will be a perfect addition to our coven”. He turned to look at everyone else who were anticipating the final decision while some of them were shocked by my words from earlier. I might of sounded a bit bratty but I'm already losing my mind with how today has turned out to be. 

“You heard the child, she wants to go home with her…páppa, let this be a warning to everyone, if you dare to hide such a secret like this again, I will not let this slide again. If it weren't for this innocent child reuniting with her father you would all be dead. Immortal child or not, I would of not cared”

With those words being said, we left, my dad held my hand as we ran through the woods. Once again I felt like I was six all over again. 

Epilogue

“So you are Demetri’s offspring; the one he has not stopped talking about these past centuries? I thought you would of been taller”

“Hey I didn't get to grow more, I was turned at the age of 15”

“Sorry sorry, but you are so tiny….you are barely passing Jane”

“Im a child, what did you expect?”

“Well your dad is tall, why aren't you?”

“Has my dad really been dealing with your nonsense for centuries?”

“Ouch…you really are Demetri’s child, you have the sass and everything”

I rolled my eyes at the giant's remarks, it has not even been a month since I been here in Italy and he's already taking jabs at my height.

“Hey dont roll your eyes at your uncle! Respect me child!”

“You are not my uncle, first earn my respect then we will talk”

“Again you really are Demetri’s child, a chip off the old wall, absolutely marvelous”

“Felix stopped picking on my daughter, come here Kardia, time for our walk”

I stuck my tongue out at Felix as I ran after my dad who was waiting for me at the door. Before we turned the corner I heard Felix mumble something that I almost missed.

I need to be one with him, I need to forget all of the pain I go through just for the night. The word pain is an all too familiar word in my everyday life, I want to forget that word and only think of his name. I want his name to be the only thing my heart beats for. I want him to be all I can think of. 

His lips on my neck, and everything seems to blur. It leaves me in a hazy sort of feeling, unlike any feeling I could ever imagine. The buzzed feeling of being able to hear a little buzz somewhere off in the distance, to suddenly feeling like I am lightweight. It's the only time I feel myself feeling physical emotions, I can feel my whole body have little to intense feelings when he touches me. What is this feeling? What is he doing to me? Do I want to feel like this?

Blood would at times drip from the corner of his lips as he pulled away from my thighs to look at me, he would use his thumb to wipe it away slowly only to let his tongue poke out to lick it clean. I should not be finding that so…hot, I should not have a desire for him to do that over and over until I am weak in the legs. I should not be seeking him out every night with desperation, with such an uncontrollable need, una adicción él se ha convertido para mi. 

How could I have let him control every aspect of my being? Let him surround my thoughts as if I am incapable to think or control myself anymore. My mind does not belong to me when he is in my presence, and he knows that. In a twisted, dark way he loves that idea, it gives him that chilling infatuation he has for me, his reason to keep coming to me day after day, night after night, week after week, month after month, year after…

We have never confessed what we want from this arrangement between monster and human. All I know is he gets rid of my internal pain and I subdue his craving for blood. It was a mutual agreement that we saw no need to change or forget. But it appears more recently I want more with him…the addiction has turned to devotion towards him. I have…love for him? 

How could I let my emotions get the best of me? I'm supposed to be composed, level headed, on top of my thoughts and feelings but just a look from him and a single touch and everything just fades into the thin air. He does not even have the slightest of an idea how I'm slowly going insane with my addiction for him but also this sudden love that's blooming into something…intoxicating.

“I think you're the monster if you think you could love me”

A simple yet deeper meaning phrase and he left. I managed to blurt the words out without thinking as he was about to sink his fingers into my hips to hold me in place. He froze for a moment, blank face as he was truly trying to understand what I just said to him. The way he slowly moved away from my exposed body to give me a look of despair as he kept taking steps back. I wanted to retrain those words I said, I wanted to retract those words and act as if I never said them because within seconds he was gone. I'm not a monster as he said I was. He is.

Lovedrug. That's what he was to me, what he will always be to me for the years to come. He will just have to be a drug I will not be able to ever have again to satisfy my addiction. 

Diary Entry #88

“I don't wanna feel

I don't wanna cry

So I'm gonna dance until I feel alright

I just need a dose of the right stuff