I don’t know where I can even start or what I even want to say. I’ve sat here and typed this out over and over again. They started out emotionless, spiteful, sad and angry. None of them were true though, I realised that the reason why I feel all of these emotions when it comes to you is a reflection on myself. I’m angry at myself for letting myself get so in my head about you. It all feels like such a distant memory, When we were just two broken kids. It’s kind of funny to remember us back then, We were so nasty to each other. And yet we really did have some special moments. I know we felt differently back then, we both know that, but you were my escape. Every day I lived wondering if today was the day I end it all. I’ve had my own fair share of trauma. I never burdened you with it, even when it controlled every aspect of my life. You made me feel safe. 

And then suddenly it was ripped from my existence and replaced with this Tango we do together. We dance back and forth, never gone for too long but never stay long enough. We fall away from each other, but I know you will always come back. That is my greatest flaw, it is not that I know you will always come back; it is that you know that I will always be waiting. It’s crazy how someone can be such a big part of your life and then suddenly you’re just two strangers who pass each other in the street without even a second glance. The sad thing is that when you do come back, as I knew you would, it just validated that there was a reason. That what we had was different, it meant something to you. I know that a long time ago you decided that I was this little girl who was in love with you and that you could never lean into me too much otherwise I’d get too attached. That is a little game I have with myself; from the moment you leave my bed; I do not hear from you for days. That is your way of making sure I know my place. 

Loving you was my most exquisite form of self-destruction. I am no longer that same little girl you knew. I am so much more and yet so much less. You truly do not know who I am. And that is okay, I suppose over the years I stopped allowing you to have much of myself. I always kept myself in, never spoke too loudly, made sure I looked good, made sure I did everything you ever wanted because I was scared I would say or do the wrong thing and just like before you’d disappear again. 

I can’t feel that way anymore. I am not IN love with you, but I Love You.  Something finally let go when you told me you were seeing someone. It was like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders, a confirmation. I have never been that to you. I have never been someone you were ‘seeing’. I have never been Dinner and a Movie. Only Ubers and Sneaking around. I’ve only been Drunk calls and Sloppy kisses. I wish I wasn’t myself so that I could finally feel worthy in your eyes. You are the knife I twist inside myself and as terrible as it is, I get it. I can’t force you to look at me any different, I can’t change myself for you. When I am with you it is no longer special, it feels like shame. I no longer feel powerful when it is my bed you end up in at night, when you grab me to kiss me; I no longer feel sexy, I finch. I no longer see my body as yours, I can’t. I hate myself for always giving in to you. I kill myself trying to prove to myself that I am worthy. I do not want that anymore; I have lost everything, I have nothing left to loose anymore. I physically cannot  feel this way anymore. I want to be wanted for love not just for lust, I want someone who is not afraid to love me, I want family and I want to feel safe. So I cannot continue to allow myself to fall into the same patterns of self-destruction. I can no longer hold onto the strings of ‘what if’, I cannot wait for someone who is never coming. Slowly I came to the conclusion that I was waiting for someone who was never even looking for me and that’s okay.