oh em gee

The A/C is currently out at my work so it’s hot as balls in here. I’m kind of blah today. I had a long day nannying yesterday for Memorial Day which was okay I guess. I usually only watch the kids from 6:30am-7:30am and 5pm-8:30pm so it’s really not that long. But I had them from 8am-7am the next day and if I say it once I’ve said it 100 times- the best birth control is being around kids 24/7. 

I’m in this weird position where I’m really frustrated at people I used to consider my best friend and I honestly don’t know how to deal with these emotions.

A) My oldest friend in the whole world, R, has been... I mean I don’t want to say ‘the worst’ (how cliche). But seriously, the worst. We had this like magically fun perfect summer when we first became best friends at 16 years old in 2005. We had ups and downs but for the most part were continuously close. Well wait. Not really. We both got other ‘best friends’ and so really every year 1/2 of it we’re best friends and the other 1/2 we aren’t speaking. It all really came to a head when in 2011 I started dating Z, and she didn’t like how much time I was spending with him. I mean, common complaint of best friends “all you do it hang out with your boyfriend”. Every girl does it- it’s part of life. But the thing about R is that she would make SUCH a scene about it. Novel long text messages about how I’m the worst because the time I would give her (calling her before/after work, giving her whole days out of the week to spend time with her) wasn’t good enough. Eventually I got mad and was just like ‘Fuck You’. Well when I had found out I was pregnant I had told her and she all of a sudden made a huge effort to talk to me. When I told her I had a blighted ovum and a miscarriage she really didn’t seem to mind. Like “Oh, that sucks”. Which, fine- you don’t need to really care. What is interesting to note is that she does this thing- that’s not lying- but actually it is. She has told me almost everything about her (at least from lets say 2013 and prior) but even stuff recently she’s been able to tell me. Then a few weeks later when she doesn’t feel as close to me she glosses over or straight up denies things. Example that makes sense: She likes to keep this ‘virgin’ image to herself (don’t get it because we’re 27 fucking years old but okay). She was doing stuff with this guy, (not sex [not that it FUCKING MATTERS]) and told me that it was great and she liked him but knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. They ended things because it just wasn’t serious and he was a total tool. A few weeks later she makes a comment “Yeah I ended things with -guy- but I never even did anything with him more than kiss so whatever”. ...Bitch what? Did you FORGET you told me? UGH and that’s one example out of 100. Also, she’s been dating this new guy who lives out of town and is way ‘below’ her level. She has never dated a guy for his ‘personality’- and I can say all her boyfriends have been very attractive. I’m glad she finally went for someone she has a connection with and isn’t so based on looks. However. Her and this boy, C, are OBSESSED with each other- to the point where she doesn’t even respond to me. So it pisses me off how 80% of our fights are ‘sarah, you hang out with your boyfriend too much’, then this is what she does. Then after I make a few comments “oh hows it going//no response//how was your weekend//no response” I just give up and get pissed. Then a few days later she’ll respond “oh i’m so busy, helping C move, flew out there, taking a class, sorry busy” but never make an effort to talk to me first. It makes me so fucking mad. So by the time she actually talks to me- I’m pissy and just fucking over it. Now instinct is to say just tell her your frustrated. Nope- literally not possible. I’ll say “this is why I was mad” and her response will be a long thing of why I actually suck more than her, or she won’t respond. And its hard to hear someone you considered so close to you for so long, talk about other people as their best friend and not want to call you first when something happens which leads me into ....

B) My most recent best friend, an avid tumblr user, ,and I have not been best friends since ‘technically’ October of 2015. I’d say more realistically July of 2015. She left for the entire summer (med school travel to india thing, then a few months in europe with her mom) and I only got to talk to her maybe 8-10 times in the 3.5 months she was gone. When she came back at the end of August I saw her the day she got back, then I didn’t see her until October and that was it. We started being friends in November of 2013- we worked at the same place and we hated the same people and I made a big reach to be her friend. She was kind of socially bizarre at times but I thought it was endearing and we just really clicked.  She was there with me through the whole year of 2014 N and Z drama and work drama and just everything. She was my rock and I really think I was hers. I really really valued her as my “best friend” and was so happy to have someone who reached out to me to hang out and wanted to talk about everything and it was just so great. When I started dating T (and attempting to end things with Z) we got a little not as close but she was in Med School and honestly that is a fuck ton of work and I understood. Eventually our friendship turned into a lot of me asking how her life was going, her telling me, and not asking me about mine. And by the time she realized I wanted her to ask about me- all I wanted to do was vent about the 2 weeks prior and everything I hadn’t talked to her about. Thus she always thought I was just complaining, and I always thought she wanted to talk about herself. We never even had fights... just one kind of where she hung out with people who didn’t like me, and I expressed distain over it and she said she wouldn't do it again because she didn’t want to make me upset over people that she didn’t even like anyway. SO, October comes, I get into a really bad car accident and total my car. She comes and takes me back to my apartment because I couldn’t get a hold of anyone. She never really checked back in with me to see how I was doing, ect. This really pissed me off. So, one day after asking how she was, she responded, and I said “no i’m good thanks for asking’ and she gave me a snarky response back (kind of unlike her). So I unleashed a whole novel of basically everything I said up there (why i was upset) and I made sure to say it in a, I wanted everything to go back to normal kind of way. What she responded back to me was nothing of the sort. Very accusatory, attacking, imo low blows, and it threw me so off guard I just didn’t say anything to her. I tried talking to her in January and she never texted me back. I tried again a week after her birthday in April and she did respond, but because she got a new phone and never saved my number. So we have been talking (almost) every day via text and phone memos and it’s been really great. However I feel like she has made it clear that her and her bf are so in love and that her other closest friend has now upgraded to her ‘best friend’. To be honest, I’m jealous- because I feel like just because we didn’t talk for 5 months you through 2 years of best friendship away? Like I just feel like she doesn’t really care. And it’s hard. 

The rest of Thursday (Day 2) was good. I just drank my juices and didn’t have any food, at all. I was very accomplished and felt super happy about it. I went to bed early.

When I woke up on Friday (Day 3) I weighed myself and I was down to 227.8. BAM. I was so freaking happy. So from 234.4 --> 230.4 --> 227.8. Clearly not drinking alcohol and focusing on water is working. I worked all day until 5pm and came home and went to bed fairly early. Catching up on sleep is really doing me a world of good.

Yesterday, (Day 4) when I woke up and weighed myself I was down to 226.2. Another pound down. I’ve almost lost 10 pounds which is pushing my goal even easier to attain. I feel so extremely motivated. I’ve noticed the more weight I lose, the more I feel like getting ready, putting on makeup and feeling like myself again. I just need to keep this momentum going. I shopped around town most of the day and found out that most clothes don’t fit me -cry- so I’m happy to get down to a smaller size so I can shop in normal stores again.

Today I woke up and I’m only down to 225.0 but that’s still a pound. I did have quite a bit of hummus and chips last night so I can only assume that had something to do with not as much weight dropping off. Super focused today to stay on track!! 

Total Weight Loss since I started: 15 pounds

(SW)240 --> (-5.6) 234.4 --> (-4.0) 230.4 --> (-2.6) 227.8 --> (-1.6) 226.2 --> (-1.2) 225.0

In travel news...

I’m in charge of T and I’s finances because he, as he puts it, is horrible with money. Well a few months ago I got really into Travel Hacking and this is where you sign up for CC, use them to get the bonuses, pay them off in full every month and use the points you accrue on them (instead of using your debit card) for free flights, hotel stays, and car rentals. Now this is all a bit over T’s level of comprehension (he just doesn’t care and think it’s too complicated) but I LOVE traveling. I’d say it’s in my top 3 passions of life. So, using these I’m planning on getting us the most amazing honeymoon ever. With a few fun trips until then. So I saw an unbelievable deal on a flight to the Caribbean (guadeloupe Island and Saint Anne) from Boston for only $178 per person round trip. Uhhh that flight (same from boston to the island) typically goes for $1,100. WHAT. So I impulsed bought it. Because... I mean... How could you not? Now the great thing about that is we got 3x the points on the flight (woo woo) and I booked a hotel w/free cancellation and no fee until check in. So the flights for the two of us are $488 combined round trip. We have a $250 airline credit that will come back and apply to that as well because of the card (#perks). The Villa (which has it’s own pool and own kitchen/laundry) for 4 nights was $600. The car rental will be $150 for the 4 days as well. So in total, the flights, hotel, and car will cost the both of $988 in total AKA CHEAPER THAN THE ORIGINAL FLIGHT ITSELF. I’m going to surprise him with it once I have it paid off (should take me about 2.5 months). I just need to get my passport renewed. It’s not until December but I think it’ll be a good Christmas present to be gone a week. Now I just need to look up how much activities down there are and what there is to do. They mostly speak French so guess what Duolingo I’ll be looking into asap... lmao.

Why is it the day I start my cleanse I’m having a shit day? I swear this always happens. Murphy’s Law or something. 

To recap: Day 1 was fine. When I weighed myself in the morning I was at 234.4. Which is awesome because last time I weighed myself 2 weeks ago I was at 240. I honestly drank water all day (probably about 100 ounces or so) and was barely hungry which was great. I realized that I am really bizarre because I never drink water. My main intake of fluids for the past .. almost forever, has been pop. Always diet pop, but pop none the less. So drinking water fills me the hell up. When I got home I ate approx 1200 calories (a little under- My Fitness Pal was at 1169) (also.. if anyone wants to be friends on there let me know- my screen name is xxsarahann) I got mad at T because he wanted me to pick up a pizza, pringles, soda, and ice cream for him. It was just beyond his comprehension why I would be frustrated walking through Target picking up food for him, when I hadn’t eaten all day and was about to start my cleanse. Whatever. I had hummus and pita chips, and a really spicy salad that I will probably buy again ASAP. 

I went to bed early as fuck. I fell asleep around 7:30pm and slept until 7:00am this morning. I dearly needed sleep and it felt great to actually relax and not do anything. I weighed myself this morning and am down to 231.4. 3 pounds down! (Yes yes I know people... water weight.. whatever LET ME BE HAPPY lmao). This morning I woke up feeling energized and excited- but that quickly turned into a “meh” morning. T was cranky [more than likely from eating shit food and staying up playing Assassins Creed all night] and wasn’t supportive about my cleanse at all. When I woke up I had a big glass of water and got ready for work. I got to work at 8 AM and drank 1/2 of my Evolution Green Lemonade (~45 calories). Honestly, tastes like liquid grass but I got half it down. Then my BluePrint box got here and I got through 1/3rd of my first drink (the coffee one) and I was full as shit. So I put them both back in the fridge and drank more water.  I went out for my lunch break and sat in my car and talked to T on the phone and got some venting in and now we’re here! I started my 2nd drink (apple/lemon/cayenne/ginger) feel overall a lot more alert, and am better than I was this morning. 

So, I’m fat.

It’s been a struggle. Being comfortable in a relationship, getting out of a long term one and into a new one, stress of school, life, everything. The excuses go on and on. But when it comes down to it- it’s my fault. I’m not active, I don’t try to work out or fix my diet- and every time I do my will power is shoved out the window because T wants to eat pizza, or go out, or something. This is gonna be long to feel free to skim and skip around.

I’m 27 years old, I’m 5′8″ (technically 5′7 3/4″ but we will round up for the sake of it) and have an overall proportional womanly build. My waist is smaller than my hips, I have a full bust, a very round butt (they used to call me RB at a restaurant I worked at) and when I’m skinnier, I have a very nice body.

As some background, I’ve never really been use to being the fat kid. Ever. In elementary school I was tall and skinny. I remember I wore a size 14 slim in the Girls kids section from 3rd grade - 5th grade. In 6th grade I was a size 0/1, and then between 8th grade to junior year of high school I was right around 145-150. I did cheer-leading or some form of tumbling and stunting 6 days a week and ate whatever the fuck I wanted. I always could wear revealing clothes and feel good. I had big boobs so wearing a Medium shirt was always fine and was wearing a size 7-9 in jeans. Once college hit I gained a bit of weight (everyone does, let’s be real). But I still didn’t feel bad about my body. I was always ‘trying’ (no i wasn’t) to lose weight but I never really needed to. I went through a coke phase for about 6-7 months and got down to 135. I was so happy. But, I just quit one day cold turkey (and have only done it twice in the past 8 years thank you very much). I stopped in December of 2008. 2009 was single handedly the worst year of my life. The person I thought I loved more than anything moved away. The boy I had spent 3 years pining after stopped talking to me. I dropped out of college. Moved back into my home city. My parents got divorced. I met a new boy and new friends that all ended up using me. I had a semi-suicide attempt (which really wasn’t, but that’s another story). At the end of the year I started seeing a guy friend who had always had a crush on me. I didn’t feel the same way, but he was nice and always took care of my hot mess-ness. He got me pregnant, and we decided to have an abortion because it was the best choice for us at the time. It was horrible. That pregnancy, along with the depression I felt over the year, has been the number one thing that has made me gain weight in the past 6 years. I’ve been unhappy with my body for 6 years and that is crazy.

So I slowly started gaining weight. I met Z, my longest boyfriend I had, and I was in the middle of dieting and taking what I called “CDP (crazy diet pills)” because I bought them online and they shipped from like Taiwan. I was actually hovering around 158-ish. We started dating and I got up to 180, then down to 160 then back up to 175 then down to 168. I was always going up and down those 20 pounds. We broke up several times and every time we broke up, I would lose weight, get my shit together, work out and eat better. Get back down to 165 and then I would balloon back up when we got back together. We got into eating out and not working out and I got up to 190. I always told myself, I’ll never get to 200. No way. After 4 years with Z, we parted ways (kind of- again, that’s another story). I have been with my current boyfriend, T, for almost 2 years. I was about 180-190 when we started dating from the restaurant we worked in. And I have gained 50 more pounds since we have been together. I am currently at 240 pounds and while I have a slight reason (I’ve had two miscarriages), it’s still disgusting to me. None of my clothes fit, my stomach literally hangs over me. I hate being naked, I hate having sex because I feel ugly, and I get sad so I eat even more and the cycle continues.

Its hard, because in pictures (that I’ve angled and styled appropriately) I don’t look that bad. Most people when I tell them what I way they’re like “what? no way!” But when I see a picture of me I didn’t take I always go holy shit. Is that what I look like? When did I get SO god damn fucking fat?

So I’m making a change. And I’m making it today. On this random Tuesday the 17th. Because honestly I can’t deal with it anymore. It frustrates me because people say “you didn’t gain it in a day, you won’t lose it in a day”. No fuck you. Yes I know that TECHNICALLY it’s not going to just fall off of me- but if I stop being a lazy piece of shit and fucking finish something for once in my life I can do this. Like I said, I’m currently 240 and my ultimate goal is to get to 140. So that’s 100 pounds. I want to lose 100 pounds in 5 months. That’s 20 pounds a month. That’s 5 pounds a week. 5 pounds a week sounds “intense”, and yeah I’m sure it’ll slow down- losing more at the beginning and less at the end. But I’m going to do this. I want to look good for my birthday this year. I want to be able to enjoy summer while losing some weight- so I’ll just look chubby and not fat. And I’m keeping a log of it to keep myself accountable. I will post progress photo’s and what I’m eating and working out and would love encouragement. I’m not really into the whole tumblr thing but would love to follow people’s weight loss chronicles and give you encouragement and just chat.  

So, I guess here is the “stat” thing people usually put:

CW: 240//HW: 240//LW: 130// UGW: 123   GW1: 215//GW2: 199//GW3: 175//GW4: 150

So here’s the plan. The ‘tentative’ plan.

As a note - I fucking hate exercising.

It’s horrible. I don’t know if it’s because I worked out 5-6 days a week for several years or if I’m just so out of shape that I just literally can’t- I feel like working out is the bane of my existence.

Now most people I feel like would say “ease in to exercise, twice to three times a week for 20-30 minutes”. NOPE. I can’t do that shit. I can’t be half trying to not be fat and half trying to just not overwork myself. It’s 5 months of bullshit I have to push myself through. Big fucking deal. I have a system set up for the first 12 weeks (3 months) that should jump start everything. Do I “need” to buy the following things? No. But if I spend my $$ on things that are expensive does that mean I’ll use them? You fucking bet. If I can be a beast and

I am doing a BluePrint cleanse to start.Yes, cleanses are somewhat gimmicky and also totally suck because you’re mostly losing water weight but I’m dealing with it. It’s 3 days. My body is absolutely disgusting and filled with pizza, grease, toxic shit, and god knows what else. The juice itself is made from whole organic food and I can have water and tea I believe as well so sign me the fuck up. <– This is expensive as shit and I will do a thorough review of it. The cost of 3 days, 6 juices a day, plus shipping is going to cost $235. The nice thing is I am only getting one green juice I have to suffer through so YAAAS.

I am getting a DeskCycle for under my desk. I have a typical 8-5 job and I need something to do while I am just sitting here for hours on end not doing shit. I bought a cheaper version but it ended up being a stepper and a piece of shit. Literally, I sit here. for. 8. hours. a. day. So if I’m sitting here I could probably be active in one way or another. This runs about $160 so again, it’s expensive as shit but it has the best reviews, is basically silent, and will help me lose an additional 1-1.5 pound a week depending on how much I do it and at what resistance and such. But- that’s literally just for sitting here doing what I would normally do anyway.

I am getting a FitBit. I need a way to track the fitness programs I’m doing and am going to carefully calculate what I’m doing into it. I think I’m going to go with the Alta- since it’s newer, sleeker, and not so bulky. That costs $130. My phone “tracks” stuff too but it’s not accurate and I would like something that can put everything together for me.

Okay, now on to what I plan to do as my exercise plan.

Fall asleep in the clothes I plan to work out in. That way I can roll out of bed and get started. Also, when I first wake up, I’m going to drink a big glass of ice water. This jumps starts your body into rising and get your digestive system moving.

After that, I’m going to do a short 15 min workout when I wake up. I am going to follow the Kayla Itsines Bikini Beauty Guide (or it’s called some version of that). It’s an HIIT workout that’s meant to by 30 minutes but I’m going to break it up into 2 sets. So when I wake up at 6, I will do the 15 minutes (Circuit A, then Circuit B).

I am going to do 1 cardio workout on youtube to a song that takes about 3 minutes. (there are plenty- I’ll make sure I leave links to it).  Then hop in the shower.

Go to work from 8am - 5pm - and use my Desk Cycle. Aiming to burn about 500-800 calories a day from this.

Come home, eat dinner, and do the Jamie Easton 12 Week Shred program. It’s from bodybuilding.com and very focused on weight lifting which is the number one thing to do to burn fat! It takes about 30-40 minutes which should be easy.

Do one more song cardio youtube workout. (About 3 minutes).

That gives me a total of an two hour workout a day just split up throughout the whole day so it’s not so daunting. If I can get a bit accomplished each time, burning calories, getting my heart rate up, and just being active that should be easy. This will help me get my main goal of losing 5 pounds a week.

Pictures\Measurements

As far as that is concerned, I am going to post my scale picture every day. I am going to post a OOTD every day. I will update measurements every Sunday. I may include my boyfriend’s info as well. He doesn’t have “as much” weight to lose as me but it would be nice to see his transformation as well as mine.

In summation.