when i got the news today, i was devastated. i was shocked, but more than anything, i was devastated. i missed seeing you so much in chem and HPOE. i missed walking into class and greeting you with a smile and some casual small talk.
a few weeks ago now, when i got the news that you were in the hospital, i was shocked. i had no idea that the whole reason you were gone for such a long time was because you were in the hospital. i had thought that maybe you went to your native country to see family a bit earlier than you had mentioned. i didn't know until our HPOE teacher told us, the 7th period class. the female dominant class, arguably the teacher's favorite class of all. the class where we made so many memories in. all of us in that class hoped and prayed for your quick and full recovery. even though i wouldn't have been at school next school year anyway (other than for one class), i hoped to see you in some extra-curriculars. you talked about wanting to join the all-female engineering club i was in, the club that our teacher sponsored.
this morning, after taking my last final exam of the year, i went to the medical center to get this vaccine. my arm still hurts from it even though it was hours ago now. but right after i left the medical center, my mom noticed that she had a voicemail from the school, from my guidance counselor. we listened to it once and at first i couldn't catch anything she said and i thought she was talking about an old email i sent. i listened to it again and realized she said your name. my stomach immediately dropped. my mom doesn't get emails from the school for some reason, so i asked my dad if he got any emails. he forwarded it to me and i broke down when i saw your name. the second i got home, i called one of our friends. i told her that you were gone. she already knew, but i know that she was as upset as i was, because she loved you, too.
you were the first person that wasn't in my family that i was close to that died. you were the first friend of mine that died. i had never had this happen before and i didn't know how to process it or anything.
the thing about grief is that it affects people differently. the way i show/handle grief is that i cry and show a lot of emotion for a while, and eventually it sort of pushes itself down. it still hurts, and something doesn't feel right, but it feels like part of me already accepts the loss.
i don't really have many people i can talk about this with, so that's why i'm writing on tumblr right now. for the sake of your privacy, i won't say your name. but i want you to know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers for a very long time. i'll miss your laugh, i'll miss us talking about bilingual problems (as two bilingual people), i'll miss our rants about weird things in america, i'll miss our crash outs over HPOE projects and chemistry tests, and i will for sure miss our conversations overall.
love you so much, B. fly high 🕊️🫶🏻
-V (your favorite HPOE crash out queen)
