This is my life, in my own words I guess

If I had to count them , I wouldn’t know where to begin.

I’ve shouldered this burden for a long time and it’s burrowed deep.

Most days I’m not strong enough so I weep.

I weep from the guilt and shame.

I weep because I’m in pain.

Maybe I’m frustrated by this all since I saw these complications when I was making my decision to stay or leave when you were talking to other men. But I decided to stay knowing the complication it would have in Josie’s life. But for you, you seemed to make that decision without thought to how it would affect her, and you made that decision selfishly to have YOUR life. And part of your life is to have Josie in it.

We turn the number on time again. This time on the year, but on all time, whether it’s minutes, months or Millenium, I ask you all the same.

Put in me a heart that seeks after you. A resolved that is disciplined by you. A spirit that is lifted up by you. A mind that is fixed on you. A body that is moved by you. And a will that is in sync with you.

Help me keep focus on your purpose in my life . Not with women, with status, with money, or with things. Help me accomplish what I’ve always yearned for; love, companionship, health, and your presence.

I want to bathe in the light that is filtered green

I want to burn from the wind on a stormy day

I want to feel the sting of heat from childlike play

I want to cook a great dish like the chefs of Greece

I want experience the winter solace of peace

I want to see the mountains of old

I feel lonely, but at what point do I do it to myself?

(Context. I’m currently sitting at a bar. On the opposite side from all females and a decent ways from friends.) i feel worlds away from everyone.

You were an even worse friend.

Proverbs says that a noble wife is more valuable than rubies.

You were hardly my wife, you were a woman I had a baby with. You refused to treat me like your husband. You told me “I only care about taking care of Josie. And I barely take care of myself. So I’m definitely not taking care of you.”

When you said that, that is the day we separated. It just took me till today to see that fully. I was clouded by optimism and by hope in being able to change things.

But I was naive. Didn’t realize you don’t change people. Experiences do. And you weren’t willing to experience anything from me other than hate.

You weren’t a good wife.

You weren’t a good friend.

You complained that I didn’t listen to you. After working all day, and coming home to someone who wasn’t cooking meals, who moderately cleaned the house, and expected me to pick up the slack that you dropped during the day. Gaslit me to think that it was my fault and responsibility to work and come home to maintain the home. All of that to say, I would still listen to your thoughts, dreams, problems. But when it came to listening to me, you refused, made up excuses, and sidelined anything I had to say.

You weren’t my wife.

You weren’t my friend.

You used me to get out of your fathers house. You used me to get over an abusive relationship. You used me to get the things you wanted for your passion of photography. You used me until you didn’t need me anymore. You cheated on me and begged for me to take you back. 6 months later you decide you are leaving me.

What was on your mind during those 6 months? You were making a big deal about cars. I bought a car for you to use, but no, you needed your OWN car. And it became clear when you left.

You told me you didn’t need me any more. That I wasn’t doing anything for you. But when I told you to leave immediately, you were shocked. You still needed at least 2 weeks maybe even a month to leave.

Philosophers say “never return to old love”

The Bible says “dogs return to their vomit”

So maybe I’m a dog, because my heart wants to go back.

But the bitch of it all…