No Idea

My heart literally hurts. It sucks so bad when you feel yourself slipping into self neglect and destructive habits. You’re fully aware you haven’t eaten in 28 hours, your stomach hurts but it’s already bad enough it will hurt to eat and you have no desire to anyway. You’re exhausted but even laying in bed trying to sleep your so fucked up your mind is numb and can’t operate your body correctly. Everyone tells you to take care of yourself so you can take care of the people you love. But you start to waste away and push harder to take care of them, you burn out so fast you can’t make a meal for yourself or get up for a drink but you’ll jump up at the slightest noise of discomfort from your child. Sometimes it feels worse to have something to push for than it does to have nothing. Because now you have no choices.

God I hope the things you said to me haunt you for the rest of your life... and even now I won’t show anyone because while you’re destroying me I still want to protect you. I really love you and hope you find someone good and treat them well.

The one fucking person I need right now is fucking killing me. I tried to keep it in and be tough but I can’t think about him at all. His smile, his eyes, how his arms felt like home, his voice, everything. It’s all fucking torture because I know he wants to give that to someone else... I kept thinking I was trying my hardest but it wasn’t enough, I’m never enough. I just want to feel safe and loved by someone I can trust. I’m so so tired.

Maybe you shouldn’t piss your family away for fat fucks that don’t care. Maybe you shouldn’t piss off the one woman who’s stuck by you through thick and fucking being pregnant and homeless and still bailing your ungrateful ass out of jail. Maybe you shouldn’t ignore her for women who make a living getting fisted and fucked by people you would never compare too and have no idea you exist. I mean, I haven’t cried over you in a while bud... you’re not the only one you have to please in this life now

Have you ever been given something perfect and been terrified to lose it or ruin it? So much so that you have night mares about it... All you want to do is take care of this perfect little being and help them grow into the best they can be. On the days it’s fun and easy you don’t get anything done because they’re so precious you can’t look away for a second. Not while they’re cooing or fussing or sleeping. And on the days they don’t stop crying you start to cry with them. Knowing everywhere you have fallen short, every little thing that you messed up. Exhausted and so close to giving up. You feel like you’re in it alone. You can’t confide in anyone because you can’t trust anyone not to use it against you one way or another. Whether it’s using your child to make sure you do exactly what they say or using them so you don’t do what you might finally have the guts to. Never having a minute to yourself without feeling guilty. How can the only thing you have in life be the reason you want to go so badly. All I’m trying to do is secure your future by making sure I can provide and here I am failing on an extra front. I can’t keep you happy or healthy at least, I can’t keep up with him in any way or even talk to him. I can’t keep up with the house or packing lunches or school, I can barely take care of you. I don’t know how to feel better, I don’t know how to not want to give up at this point. I hate everyone right now. I’m jealous. I hate the people who had their kids taken or even worse that didn’t have them taken and left them in terrible scenarios. I hate the people who dump their kids on everyone else and feed them off the floor. I hate the people who say bonding with your kid is spoiling them. Maybe we would be happier if we didn’t come from broken homes where our mothers didn’t “spoil us”. I hate the people who can stay away for so long and never regret it, go out and fulfill their desires without a second thought of what their keeping at home. You wonder why she cheated on you more than once when you treated her like a worthless save. You wonder why she wants out in the worst possible way after she’s been through this already. I hate begging and trying to be perfect when no one else cares. I hate being ignored because I’m upset and he sees nothing wrong with it. And most of all I hate that this whole fucking thing makes me feel like as hard as I’m trying, even to get up every day, that IM not good enough.