Jasmine

It's midnight and here I lay, scouring the internet for answers to my random panic attack. I haven't had a panic attack in years. So I did what most people would do and searched for answers to my pain and anxiety online. That was when I came across this article from 2015.

I don't understand how I came across it a decade later, but I have never resonated so deeply with an article before. I guess answers only reveal themselves when we are truly ready to overcome our traumas.

It took me years to believe it was rape. Even when my brain told me it was rape, I couldn't believe it because we loved each other before the rape happened. Now, a decade later, I'm finally processing it.

Hurt people will hurt people. I was an impatient girlfriend and yelled a lot. I loved him so much, but I felt like I didn't deserve his love and needed to be more mature to be worthy of him. So, as an immature, silly, dramatic, young girl, I broke up with him.

He retaliated with rape. I never felt so unsafe around him before. This person knew I was raped twice before by people that i used to trust, like brothers.

At the time, this person was #1 in my trusted network. He was my safe person before the incident occurred. It took me a decade to finally believe that I didn't deserve to be raped for breaking up with him.

Unfortunately, some hurts leave deep scars that are so difficult to live with and can reopen at any point. Time only hides the wounds. My panic attack stemmed from a random flashback from that night. It broke me like a fresh wound to the chest.

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I can confidently say that I am trying my best to recover and move on now. I have always been ashamed to share with the world that I survived rape 3 times. I was embarrassed and paranoid. 3 times?! Does that make me an idiot? No. This is not my shame but theirs to own. I lived with this shame for over a decade. But now, I am ready to share my story on a small platform in a corner of my universe.

I am a survivor. I am truly a strong and independent woman now. I have a wonderful job. All the kids I work with are such a joy to be around and make my job so worth it. I also love working with the seniors in the nursing facility. I love hearing their life stories and dreaming about what my life story will be when I am their age. I dream of creating a life full of love and laughter. I truly feel like I am making a positive difference. And I am healing.

I've met new friends and gone on new adventures. I may not be happy all the time but I am in love with my friends and I've formed deeper connections with my family. I've reconnected with hula to find my roots and connect with my ancestors.

Its hard for me to trust though. Ive put up walls and when I try to break the walls down they get stronger. But ill continue to do my best to live every day with a clear mind and clear heart. To not hide from the pain but embrace and heal it.