-VIVA LA ERICA-

today i didn’t cry once which is progress but i am honest to admit that im still in denial.

Grief this close is so real that it’s too real and i automatically go into autopilot. that probably makes no sense.

I babysit my autistic boy tonight, held him close, and worked on a funeral slideshow. what is my life? who knew i would be so unselfish and comforting at this age?

My best friend is gone. My best friend for the last 9 years. We were inseparable since the day we met. An adult friendship.

He was supposed to be here with us in SJ today and instead of seeing him all the homies were together telling funny stories and crying.

I have never ever felt a loss so big. I’ve had many difficult losses but not ever like this.

We talked and cracked up every damn day. Now all the 5 different chats we had together are quiet.

the biggest feeling i feel is confused. i have no regrets and never fucking will because we expressed our love to each other all the time. not just with words but in many other ways.

i’m holding on and trying to navigate through it. I just don’t know what i’m thinking half the time.

Our homies consist of all guys and i’m the only female. I’m handling shit for them and taking care of them because i know daniel would want that.

I never thought in a million years shit would be like this. NEVER.

Last year October/Nov/Dec to now I changed. Not in a good or bad way, but just did. I always think really hard about what happened to me but I legit think it was exhaustion.

I recall needing to be in a wedding on Friday, Sept 13. Those in the wedding party were a bunch of my old crew, guys and gals, that I had a falling out with. I wasn’t nervous, per se, but I had to be on my toes.

Before I left to New Orleans for that wedding, I was partying tough every weekend. I was even partying tough during the weekdays. I had hit up the KORN concert a few days before I flew out, I got trashed. It was def FUN but I pushed myself hard.

Then I packed, I had meetings at work, I did all my shit and hit deadlines and I flew out on Sept 11, 2019. That whole time in NOLA was wild. I didn’t want to see most of those people, but I had to be there for my best cousin. There was no doubt about that. I partied pretty hard the night before the wedding with my sisters, aunt and bff. I remember getting up the morning of the wedding hella sick and tired... i seriously didn’t know how I was going to be alive. I threw up that morning and I grabbed my bridesmaid dress and went to the lobby with my sister. While there, I was so miserable, about to yack in front of strangers. I was probably green in color, but I had to keep it moving.

Eventually we walked in hot ass Nola to the brides room down the street at a different hotel. We finally made it and I had to be on my best behavior. I remember someone brought us girls egg sandwiches and even though i hate those I forced myself to eat it and I felt hella better.

Fast forward through makeup and shit... it was time to shine. Those same old friends were around me but I still didn’t acknowledge them. Even through our photos and all... I’m glad the bride paired me with my cousin. LOL.

During the reception I caught the bride’s bouquet. I KNOW Vanessa did that on purpose. Since that day she’s been trying to plan my fucking wedding that is non existent at this point. ROFL.

We got through it all.. it was a good ass wedding and we partied even harder that night in all of these bars.

Anyway -

While my sisters and nieces flew home, I drove to Alabama with my BFF Leo. I stayed and learned a bunch of shit over there, but it wasn’t home. By then I was super homesick and rescheduled my flight home early.

I got home to San Jose and kissed the fucking car. I hated the south for every reason but was so thankful for the history lesson.

Once I was home, I saw my friends and drank some. By now it was Sept 17/18 or so. I hit up a concert that week to see Incubus in SF.

I made it to work next day and all that.

Then on Sept 20 it was my 32’d birthday and I felt weird. I felt “out of body” and faked my smiles that whole weekend. I probably cried multiple times. I was so thankful for everything but it just all felt WEIRD....

By early Oct I was drinking harder and felt suicidal.

I feel your anguish when you lay beside me most nights,

Even when you choose not to speak, I still know,

One thing I love about us is that we communicate without speaking, it’s a beautiful thing, really.

I will forever fight for your peace and shower you with love,

I decided this very early on in year one,

I used to wake up early in your bed and see you sleeping.

I’d caress your face and stare at your beauty and something inside me changed forever.

I knew at that time I wanted to provide you with things you never had before.

I never have those intentions but sometimes it happens.

No one likes to be hurt, but no one likes to do the hurting either. How do we live without doing either of those? What is that called or where is that place? Does it even exist? The middle ground where we don’t feel anything...?

It’s happened like 3-4 times this year already and it’s not a pleasant feeling. Maybe it’s supposed to teach me something, . I just know it fuckin blows to be the reason someone is hurting.

I don’t think I’ve let myself sit and listen to what’s happening around me cuz I’ve been so occupied with my gemstone. And now that I’m paying attention I’ve realized I have scrambled up some peoples hearts a bit.

I knew this would happen.

I always knew.

My patience and strength was tested at my lowest of my damn lowest.

But I pulled through all by myself when no one was looking. I’m not bitter, I’m very proud.

But let me just say us women know things way before men do.

The time has come for me to be mature and deal with things as a real woman, not as a fuckgirl.

You don’t forget the things that move your soul,

Nor the things that made you cry,

Or the things that made you angry and sad...

Or the shit that made you want to rip and burn clothes and dump them on the curb.

It’s been hella years and I still feel so fucked up but can’t admit that out loud because im too damn proud.

I remember how special and intimate we were. How real and simple things were, although we thought shit was tough. It really wasn’t. We just didn’t know what to do.

One thing I’ll always remember was the way you looked at me and how u always said “in the end everything will be okay. And if it’s not, it’s not the end.”

I still recall watching u from afar and seeing pure magic and telling myself, “I have to have him.”

Some days I just want to be alone and lay in bed all day without looking at my phone or answering to anyone... but people love to bug me all day. If it’s not my sister it’s my boss, if it’s not my boss it’s my mother. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of these people... but sometimes I just need to be alone. Like.. absolutely alone with the tv off, my phone on silent, my blinds closed, in the dark. Is this normal?