I don't get older. I level up.

I recently went to the gynecologist for a checkup. Of course the first thing the nurse does is check my weight. I had an inner battle with myself to look, no don’t look, no look at the scale. I looked. 293lbs. My heart sank. I was disappointed in myself. I knew I had gained weight but I didn’t know I was closing in on the 300lbs mark.

10 years ago I hit the 200lbs mark. I was devastated then. But I was with my ex at the time who loved me for me. All 200lbs. He helped me get through it by showing me how much he loved me. (him being my ex is another story)

I’ve got a wonderful boyfriend now that loves me and helps get me out into a world that thrives off our insecurities. I’ve struggled so much to find my style being a bigger girl that I lose confidence in myself. Shops like Torrid and Lane Bryant are wonderful, but my wallet can’t always afford it. So I go to cheaper places like wal-mart, etc. Shirts are never an issue there. I have some great tops from wal-mart. But shoes. Shoes are another issue.

Not only am I a 2x-3x top and 24 pants, but unlike most fat chicks I’ve seen, I also need size 10-11 wide width shoes and I have very large ankles. (Oh Portuguese blood…) These sizes are EXTREMELY difficult to find in regular stores. Walking to the end of the shoe rack passing by average sizes that my friends wear, 7, 8, and still going, 9, 10, 11 hey! Oh. All they have is a few styles that no one would wear. Ugh.

Finally bite the bullet and decide to spend 70$ on boots from torrid. We go, try them on, foot fits great! Can’t zipper over my ankle. Heart drops. I finally found boots that would fit my 22in calves and the ankles are what holds me back.

It’s little things like this that make my confidence drop. I was so excited to have fall boots. The only shoes I find comfortable now are my knockoff converse I’ve had for years and my summer flip flops. I don’t have stylish clothing and shoes because I can’t find them in my price range. Confidence drop.