Be at peace

i don’t talk to kristen in the same cadence; it’s different now. i don’t talk to ben; i apologized a year ago and asked him to thai food and he gave a nice reply but i wonder if part of it was just cushioning the blow for “no.”

things ended with jacob and then we were friends but that was hard. so now we don’t talk. elliot used to call me, sometimes i think of the winter nights and a random sound bite of him talking about his airpods , us coordinating while he went on a walk and i drove home from getting tacos. he said “jane,” instead of pet names (adding my name to lots of sentences) and mostly talked about himself and his work but at least someone was talking to me.

maddy said it’s like tatem and i have been platonically dating. but then i asked a question that maybe pushed things too far (and i fear i ruined things?) and now i feel sad (and crazy) because i really miss movie nights.

i’m jealous of people who have significant others who want to talk on the phone with them, who don’t get inconsistent or annoyed or ghost them.

a coworker today mentioned that she thinks of me sometimes and how often people switch up overnight on me and it makes me sad but i also feel a little validated to have a witness.

another coworker said i get myself into relationships with a lot of push-pull. i thought about that driving home and wondered how i contribute to that too; because everything is a dance and mirror, no? (it takes two to tango?)

i just feel sad and a little teary tonight. a little bit wishing that no one would get sick of me, a little bit wishing for consistent phone calls, a little bit wishing just to be held for a bit,

everyone on the apps is ignoring me

the curls in my hair arent holding

i’m having digestion issues

my eyes are nearly bloodshot from crying. my family tells me i’m too emotional and acts like i’m crazy but i feel like i’m the only one who can see things clearly. and i hate how fake deep that sounds, how ~augustus waters with a fake cigarette~ that sounds.

at the risk of sounding harsh , i think i should be more proud of my safe little apartment. of my peaceful, sometimes boring life. at least no one yells.

i had a bad conversation tonight. i wanted a therapist in the room so badly. i guess to feel validated. or not made to feel crazy. some sort of person or some sort of guarding of my heart.

one time a therapist in college said “i hope your future partner can stand up to your dad,” she called him as an asshole. i’m not going to lie, i’m kind of haunted by that forever.

and i don’t mean for it to sound like icky or not evolved or damsel in distressy but god i fantasize about that sometimes.

there was so much manipulation, push/ pull, power struggle, tone change, sweet, mad, guilt tripping, clipped tone, questions that were only meant to corner, not to be answered but to prove a point. controlled.

i feel crazy. and then i called my brother and he acted like i was crazy. polite tone, arm stretched outward , “i’m sorry youre having a bad night, jane,” robotic tone, quick hang up.

i wanted to yell that it isnt a conversation if you just want to win.

lately i’ve been feeling like i’m not doing enough but i’m grateful for my home. i’m grateful for my neighbors , everyone talks at normal volume and kindly, even if i am really awkward. i buy my own food, no one yells. i eat and i shrink and i grow and sometimes my jeans are tight and sometimes they’re loose and none of it really matters because it doesn’t consume me. i stopped muttering that “i am a person” when i go to grocery stores because i used to feel so guilty taking up spaces and needing to spend money on food. i buy things in bulk if it’s more expensive. i buy treats for my coworkers and say i’ll figure it out later, it’ll get sorted out later.

people at work like my reports, they say they’re really helpful and no one reprimands me later that my voice shook during that conversation.

i’m tired and don’t watch my tone and i’m lucky because it usually just ends in laughter; a known fact that i’m a night owl. theres no yelling that i’m ungrateful.

i only have acid reflux in my apartment sometimes and it’s not because someone snuck up on me in the kitchen and declared i was eating too much and making a mess (a paper plate and some kiwi skins) it’s a jokey mean tone, but the tone goes from a joke to not-a-joke at a pace i can never predict. i threw up in the kitchen bin at 1am. the kiwi never made it fully down my throat.

ANGEL (!!!!!!!!!!)

janey (maybe) (you have to weasel your way into a special place in my heart for me to be ok with that)

baby (sue me!!!!)

other thoughts

“honey” can feel very ~playing House on the playground as kids~

you have to say it with your heart chakra open and stand ten toes down

“babe” sounds very millenial in a beige house in midtown lol

UNLESS you’re someone who says it all the time to friends and strangers and then you’re cool and i aspire to be as warm as you

“sweetie” is hit or miss / like? can be condescending?

“cutie” - usually my default lol

“sweetheart” : meh!!

nerd/dork: HOT HOT HOT!!! makes me feel like we’re in an early 2000s show having an enemies to lovers thing. also i like being recognized for my brain <333

“love” : makes me feel like i’m reading harry styles fanfiction at 2am on tumblr

“trouble” unfortunately very hot

anything with “my” in front of it : i’m done for …

“my sweet girl” : RIP ME. dead. dying. gone. RIP!

“gorgeous” + “beautiful” nice but make me feel like i’m at the hairdresser’s for some reason? like i feel like i’m little and downtown at my mom’s hairdresser’s and i’m a kid again? also it kinda feels like wearing shoes that are too big for me, like playing dress up

this past period cycle was pretty rough and i feel like i got possessed by depression demons // i feel loosely like Nikki from Obsession when she has those times of breaking free from the spell and is like woah what the fuck

i really love walking outside lol. sometimes i just have to get out of my apartment and walk around like it’s the most important thing and sometimes i think it’s because it is?

i have many things on my to-do lists and fun things to do too and artistic visions but then sometimes i just can’t and it doesn’t seem to matter as much as going outside and taking some deep breaths

(maybe this is just a long-winded way of saying that it’s grounding?)

i’m pretty behind on voice memos and texts from friends

i talked with my coworker last night until we were the last ones in the building and she’s so sweet and it’s nice being social and sometimes feeling like i’m back in school for bits of time, like when the community was a little bit more inherently part of the days

i think i could’ve been kinder and more understanding in past romantic relationships