Be at peace

i made a psychiatry apt for next week and super proud of myself for that and i even made a follow up call to get in sooner

going insane in my brain

but the car license plate in front of me as i left work was like "luk4gud" or something and i was like luke 4 god? luke really about the man upstairs? look for god?

it took me too long to realize it was like "look for the good"

(at least i think????)

another license plate i saw later said time 2 go and that one made me more nervous and i tried not to spiral

JESUS it really makes a difference when people at work say "love you!" as they're leaving and im like omg we are a little family here <3

i really liked the logic i saw on a tiktok rebutting the rule that you shouldnt mix work and friendships and the comment was like no i spend so much of my life at work i'm gonna cherish and pour into those relationships

....and like ....yeah. <3

also our team is so sweetie. i job hopped a fair amount right after college and i know what its like to feel like you're gonna develop an ulcer just from the stress of wondering if you should say "hey" or "hi" or "good morning" or not and people being mean when you have questions

and our team instead is sooooo so so sweet and chill about that kind of stuff

i also went over to a coworker's house on friday and we watched love island. idk if i already ~journaled~ that on here

days are a blur

i barely drank water today it was so busy (and that is not a flex lol)

but i am eating ice cream now & telling myself it counts as extra hydration as support

but i’m tired af

even after sleeping 8-10 hours and having lots of coffee

my body and brain are just saying : nope

when you’re laughing and then crying and bumping into things and spilling everything and everything means so much and you’re so afraid you’re gonna lose it and then everything you’re doing just seems to propel you further into the ~losing it~ territory

sometimes when i go from laughing to crying i feel like a kid again and feel really small? and scared? but like too big of emotions for my human body , it’s like i’m too small of a vessel for the intensity

i also think joy and sadness are more closely related than we think like true uninhibited joy just breaks way to something else in me and both take vulnerability and are kind of intimate ?

and i have a lot of creative ideas but i feel like i can’t do them

* i have a text drafted to my landlord but i’m very nervous.

* i also am not telling my parents which kind of puts a knot in my stomach but i know they would be upset

* but i feel like also down the line , they’d be like “wow sometimes things just happen serendipitously and miracles fall into your lap” and “what a special dog”