The Void.

I haven’t posted legitimately in a really long time but I think it’s necessary for me to officially take a break indefinitely from here.

Tumblr has been a great place for me to vent and I’ve had some very kind people come forward to support me during hard times (and a huge thanks to you all) but I also have to acknowledge that Tumblr can be a very bad place for me to be mentally (especially when it comes to trying to recover from things like self harm and disordered eating.)

I’m at a weak place. So for said reasons, I’m going to be taking a step back for my own mental health and my recovery.

Thank you all so much for the love and support over the years,

I haven’t talked about myself and how I’ve been while trying to recover from my mental illness in a long time

And well bois we were doin ok for a bit but this week has been a very tough relapse. Almost every day this week I’ve had multiple panic attacks and went to the hospital twice for some exceptionally bad ones. I’ve always had anxiety but never *out of the blue and constant* so this was a very new and scary ordeal and I’m sure it’s not over either

As a result of the constant anxiety I couldnt sleep as well and was VERY sleep deprived which made my anxiety even worse. My poor mom had to be by my side almost constantly because I was so afraid and paranoid. Long story short I‘ve been put back on medication (Three different ones this time) and feel gross as shit trying to adjust to them

and to catch anyone up, I was on a SSRI medication for about 2 years and eventually came off of it a year ago. Being med free was something I was proud of because it was a milestone for me, so to say I’m not sad to be taking medication again wouldnt be true. But hey, sometimes these things happen and sometimes medication is necessary. And In this case OH BOY,, it is.

At times like this it can seem a bit hopeless to me. Sometimes it feels like I’m working hard for nothing, and as if I’ll always suffer from anxiety and depression and never get to enjoy life. But reality is, that shits not true. Sometimes relapse is a part of recovery, and however shitty and uncomfortable it is, it’s just part of the process. A very hard process.

What I learned from all of this is I’m not quite done with therapy like a thought and should probably go back. I was told these panic attacks are most likely being caused by bottled up stress around things I’m not even aware of. So Talk therapy sounds ideal. The goal will be to learn how to manage without meds again hopefully as well, but for now they will be here to help me. Even if the make me drowsy as shit

1) please get help if you are struggling with your image, being deathly skinny or depriving yourself of much needed nutrition is not tragic or beautiful in anyway and you deserve to be healthy (if you truly feel your weight is an issue, get an opinion from a local nutritionist and learn how to lose weight in a healthy and safe way if it is necessary.)

2) I would appreciate if these accounts don’t follow me because it can be triggering for me to see your blogs (As well as personally upsetting. Seeing anyone purposely harming themselves deeply saddens me) I’ve been seeing them a lot in my followers list and I do not want my art to be associated with blogs promoting anything like self harm or eating disorders. My reasons being for this is I then feel my art and blog is doing more harm than good being reblogged and followed by accounts that promote these behaviours. That is not what I wish to stand for here. If you are a blog based around ED or self harm recovery that is a different story entirely and you are welcome to follow me if you like.

I’d also like to make it clear once more that even though my posts are often dark and seem self loathing, my art is a means of processing my feelings and getting out frustrations. In no way is depression or trauma an aesthetic for me or something I want to promote or wallow in as a type of quirk. I may not depict it often in my art but making sure I’ve been recovering and getting help for these things behind the scenes has been just as much a part of this as finding a place to vent and voice my struggles has.

I want to make it clear as well that this isnt a hate post and If you are struggling with any of the things mentioned above I wish you no ill will and only self love and recovery. But I ask kindly in the meantime that anyone who finds themselves promoting refrain from following me.

It’s been a long 7 years and if you were to ask me right now if I was happy, I’d probably tell you I’m not yet. But, I have changed A LOT since this whole mental health thing went down hill. I don’t often give myself credit where credit is due. Although I still experiencing depression, and am still not yet happy in life, I am a lot different than I was even 3 years ago.

I will tell you one thing, it’s been a bitch of a battle, and crawling out of your deep dark depression hole is not easy AT ALL. It’s exhausting. But it’s necessary work. It took me a long time though to learn that it was work I needed to do myself and that no one could do it for me. There’s a difference between wanting to get better and deciding to get better. Took me up until year 5 or so to get that.

I am not better yet. I still have a lot of work ahead of me, more therapy and more healing,

But, my social anxiety is no longer as bad as it used to be. In fact It feels like I don’t have it anymore at times (I’m still bad at interaction with people I don’t know well but I no longer avoid human beings like they are the damn plague and can leave my house freely!)

I haven’t cut in 2 years and I used to be someone who self harmed everyday.

I no longer abuse alcohol to cope with my feelings

And although I do feel depression still, I mange it better and I no longer need medication to help me function like I used to (though coming off was a personal choice! If you need meds that is okay and they are a good start to healing!)

Now yes, my blog is dark and sad. As a way to replace my bad coping mechanisms I’ve replaced them with this one. My art is a way for me to get my feelings out. BUT I don’t want this blog to be about negativity. My art here is for myself but the themes they carry are not what I want to promote. I want this blog to be about healing as much as it is about dealing with the struggle.

All I want to say is Recovery is long. It’s tiring and confusing but it’s NOT impossible. I used to believe when I was younger that nothing would ever change for me. That my anxiety and depression would always be a constant and that I was better off taking my life or something because there was never a possible way it could ever get better. I’m 18 now and I’m still not better yet but I AM getting there and that’s what matters. My improvement is proof enough to me that this is not a forever thing unless I allow it to be.