Your favorite character's favorite character

Assuming they exist

Just to like, be sure it's not someone I end up vague posting about

Because the ending is gonna make me want to scream and cry and... I dont even know.

She died in my arms, gasping for air, I gave her cpr but she was already struggling to get around and breathe and I had been carrying her up and down the stairs to go anywhere in the house

Like we'd been talking about putting her down and she was on borrowed time

I just feel like I'm being a bother bc I tend to "reject" a lot of advice not because I'm saying "No, that's dumb I refuse to do that thing you're suggesting" but for other reasons such as "I've already done that, am doing that, that doesn't apply because xyz" and it doesn't really matter the reason sometimes that a person gives.

I know it won't apply to everyone but there were times in my own life when offering advice was difficult because the person I gave it to wouldn't listen to anything I said. And I no longer think of it the same way. It's a gift and they can do what they want with it. But I took time to get to that place, and I don't want to burden someone with what I'm going through and they be under this false impression that they're solving problems etc when a lot of times that's just not the case. Or like, it can't be measured 1:1.

I'm having chest pain and convincing myself it's air bubbles. I was much worse off on memorial day, THAT day I thought I was gonna die. So I don't think I'm in danger but still, after M day I think I'm just super sensi. It's probably why I haven't cleaned yet. I'm worried I'll irritate something. And there will be no one to help me.

I kind of wish I had passed out on Monday. More than any other time I have had similar thoughts.

I remember vividly as I was trying to stay upright and hanging on to stand so I could get to the living room, my vision tunneling and getting super fuzzy. I've never had dizziness that felt painful before then. And thinking, "I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die." I was terrified.

I've gotten lightheaded every single day the past year or more and will lean into the sensation as long as I'm not in a dangerous position, and even when I've felt like "Oh Yea if I don't back off I'm gonna hit the floor" I've never had that overwhelming dread. And even when I've had seizures*** in the past I didn't leap straight to "No no no I don't wanna die"

I haven't been checked by a doctor bc no one here is gonna take me but I honestly think I had a heart attack or something. I was having all the symptoms. Minus the chest pain. Some people don't get chest pain.

But I worry it doesn't work that way any more.

I know that I've separated myself from being too involved in people's lives. Though it's not by choice. So I don't know if this is simply a thing that happens with age naturally, or if what I'm going through is "normal"

I guess I'm just lamenting vaguely bc even here I feel like I can't speak my mind in the rare event that a certain someone finds my page.

...I did everything right. I was a nice and kind person and tried so hard and I...i know I wasn't perfect. But who the fuck is? I've never met someone with such impossible standards, or who was so goddamn incapable of being kind and courteous as a habit, and who just seemed fucking miserable all the time and made me that way by association

And like I know I'm not supposed to let other people's moods dictate my own but when they're the ONLY person you see. EVER. For months, years. Save for a rare Dr appointment. (which is a whole other can of worms) then it's just hard to not be affected by their mood.

Like I can't ignore you, you've made sure that you're the reason I exist. You and the puppy dog.

This Tumblr is gonna be a diary of thoughts for a bit while I grieve something that I haven't lost yet but will soon be ending.

Daily dose of Eustass being hilarious

Credit to Status