hi :) i realized if im going to post about my life, you should probably know who i am ! im violet (she/her), a 21 year girl going to college in the US. i love bugs, alternative music, crafting, fairies, glitter, tattoos & piercings, baby animals, reading, etc etc etc. asks and DMs always open! i would love to make friends and share my deepest inner thoughts here <3 thanks 4 visiting! -vi

ohhhhh my god sorry ive been MIA! i just posted something i wrote, hopefully ill remember to post on here more often again!

what is there to trust anyways?

last night, he held me up with his hand firmly on my neck, and his knee resting below my thighs. pressed up against the fridge, my back scrambling the letters of my magnet poetry, i looked into his familiar eyes. i saw them with far more sympathy than he deserves. he held his right hand above my head, and told me hes so glad were back in each other's lives. i wish i didnt agree, but when his cold silver cross necklace hit my warm skin again, i remembered the other times we'd been close enough for this. his jewelry getting tangled in mine, keeping our bodies glued together. his glace locked on my sternum tattoo, not knowing that all i thought about as i got it was him. i laid mostly naked on the floor of my friend's sister's west hollywood studio apartment, and talked for hours about him. how sweet his messages seemed. how happy he made me. my tattoo has now been admired by many, but nobody studied it like him. noticing every little dot and point. while he does not have what i need, he knows what i do. its so difficult to be seen in a way i never had been before, especially because i know the person who understands me is not who can give me the pieces i'm missing.

i did the task that nobody thought would ever be done. i officially told nev that i am no longer going to be seeing him. he had started to redeem himself, but at the same time he threw logs into the already burning fire. a few days ago, he invited me to his final band performance of his career, and he gave me one of only 2 tickets that he got for it. he didn't even give one to his best friend. of course, i caved and went, and then went to the bar with him afterwards. at the bar, he barely acknowledged me and did not give a shit when i got aggressively hit on by someone else. he sat multiple seats away from me at every opportunity. he had me come up to the bar with him to order a drink, just for himself, and then closed the tab. he made me drive him and his roommate home, and then i went home. he barely spoke to me the entire night, except to discuss logistics for a dinner he was planning on making me. that was very sweet, and i was honored to FINALLY be the recipient of a nev meal as it seems like everyone else in the whole world has been besides me. but it is not enough. lemon, who is how i know nev, hung out with him the night before, and was disgusted by him. he talked the entire time about people hes seeing and fucking and almost tried to brag about the game hes getting. i asked him to his face if he was seeing anybody else, and he confidently said no. i actually do not care at all that he's seeing other people, i am too! and i told him that! but i dont understand why he lied to me. that's where the issues arise. on top of that, i doubt he brags about me, but if he does, what does he say? according to his roommate, M, there's an entire group of girls who hes been with that hate him and talk shit about him constantly. they've had very similar experiences as i have, which is both comforting and harrowing. obviously, i will not go into detail here, but the sex with nev was awful. every single time! and apparently this is the universal experience. so im glad to know im not alone, but im a little embarrassed that i let this go on for so long. i had pity for him. i felt bad. i thought he was just a nervous nerdy guy who wasn't very experienced, but it turns out, he's just so fucking focussed on himself that he doesn't care about the other person's needs in sex. i am so disappointed in myself for seeing him for so long, especially after everyone in my life told me to cut him off repeatedly. hes an asshole. i just texted him letting him know that i would not be coming over for dinner because we should not see each other any more. i told him that if he wants to talk, im willing to. i hope he says yes, because i want him to know that hes an awful person. god, its so embarrassing knowing that i will forever be associated with him. i hate how long i allowed this to go on. this is the end of an era that should've ended long ago, but its too late now for that. he was never going to care about me, and that's okay.

it will have all been worth it.

i was over at his place until nearly 3am once again last night. we smoked, sitting in a grassy null, where he complimented my hat. and my glasses. and my shirt. and the collage i made. he was nicer to me just in the time sitting in a grassy null than nev has ever been since august. at the market, he pointed out a drink that he really liked, and i told him i had never had it. he instantly bought it for us to share. theres something so strange between us while at the same exact time being so deeply intimate, and i don't know what to do with that. he cares about me and my life in a very real way, and i care about him and his life equally. i think its because we both know that one way or another, we will be important to each other. another thing- i know that i am not being super weird and clingy. something i absolutely have been in the past. yesterday i made SUCH a point of not double texting him and being annoying, and especially not asking to hang out if he didn't seem interested. he was the one to initiate hanging, with literally no indication from me. IT WAS AWESOME

yesterday was really weird, and not primarily because of this party. stars came over to my place and we hung out for hours. i feel so confused. jesse isn't responding to me, stars apologized to me, nev was being really nice yesterday, WHATS HAPPENING??‽?‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽ i genuinely cannot stand this for much longer, i think im going insane. i have to move to switzerland or something and become a sheep farmer.