The Life of villbeejay

life update: I am now in my late 20s.

I know. It's insane.

long story short, it is now the 16th day of the year yet, I feel down for some reason. like this year isn't for me as soon as the time strikes 00:00 on 1/1/2026.

been feeling sluggish and out of motivation for two weeks now and honestly? I wish I can get out of the state and live life like I normally do.

everything feels heavy and overwhelming, yet I am constantly feeling numb and unwilling to live another day.

I literally contemplate to go to work a few days ago. woke up early, but I remained in bed until it was already late to go to work.

perhaps its the accumulating "I'm okay" and "I'm fine", that turned on my body's check-engine light.

I really wish for this year to be a bit easier. it sucks that instead of living, I find myself to be surviving more than appreciating every second that passed by.

I dunno guys. I hope y'all have it a bit easier out there.

Moving through life became a blur lately. Nothing much, just the usual mundane routine of waking up at 4am, get ready and go to work, come back home, have dinner, go to sleep then repeat.

Sure, there are times where I try to take joy in some things I do; like feel the wind ruffles through my hair, the sound of feet shuffling to rush home from work, the way people just mind their own business as they commute to and fro work.

And I realise most time, I just want to be alone. I prefer having lunch alone at work, do groceries alone, eat my favourite meal at a restaurant alone -- basically just enjoying my space without anyone interrupting me.

4 years is a long time, and I'm not sure how many apologies I could come up with for being on a hiatus for this long.

My last entry was in 2021, and it was the only post of that year. And then, I vanish due to the incapability of keeping up with online blogs as I was caught up with this thing called 'life'. Barf, I know.

So how has life been? Well it is 2025 now, and we're no longer in a global pandemic. I'm already in my 3rd year of working life, which I definitely couldn't imagine myself doing 4 years ago.

What else? Oh, I'm into Formula 1 since last year, so that's a new hobby I'm exploring at the moment. If you were to tell me that I would be into motorsports 4 years into the future, I would laugh my ass off and shaking my head in disbelief.

It's insane how much has changed in the last 4 years. From being a final year Uni student, to a full fledge working adult -- I feel the need to slow down for a minute just to wrap my head around things.

I'm not sure if I can continue keeping up my blogs like I always have in the past, but I want to try.

With that being said:

I am 10 days late to wish you guys new year, but aye, its still January. So, happy new year guys <3

As much as this is a difficult pill to swallow, 2021 is still going to be a tough year for each and every one of us. Let us all not back down and give up hope yet. It is our responsibility to ensure that we are able to break this chain, and to remind everyone around us to wear masks; and practice social distancing. 

I normally would list down yearly goals that I want to achieve within the year, but this year, I just pray I can get through this year. I don’t want to hope much. I just want everyone to be alright. Also, I want to be able to love myself more this year. I have been hating myself so much the past years because of how I look and how much weight I have gained. 

The only I realised: if I keep hating myself based on how I look, then losing weight will be a painful and bitter journey. Recently, I believe that the more you love yourself, the more memorable the journey will be. Therefore, if I want to achieve my ideal weight, I have to first love who I am now. 

If I have to write down goals for this year, then there is only 3. ... no wait, scratch that. There is 2. - Continue writing - Self love

Yeah, that sounds right. I don’t want to put weight loss journey because if I do, I know I won’t achieve that hahahah

Anyway, that is it for this year’s update. I am now struggling with my final weeks of this semester sooooo yeah /cries in the corner/ lets just hope I’ll survive this.

reactions became limited, and voices were restrained. no one was able to express freely as they were handicapped by a ply of nothing but a mere filter.

however, this piece of restriction raised the sense of hunger in young people. they want  nothing but justice, they want nothing but peace.

through platforms that need no introduction; where  news are as fast as the speed of light,  they argued and defend, what should  and should not be done, to ensure the safety of their generation. 

she stood where she last cried, but this time she wasn’t alone. back then it was just herself, but now there’s someone else involved. 

“that should be me,” she uttered; seeing him weep, cry and vent. “that should be me,” she uttered again, seeing him helpless, weak and alone. 

ego aside, she trudges forward. he used  to be her comforter, but now its time for her to be his. the more she walks, his cries intensifies; the more she tries reaching out, the more pain he feels.

“help me to understand,” she begins to cry; slowly walking on the broken path. “come here and rest,  let me care for you instead.”

the crying stop, and so did the time; she couldn’t advance forward because that could break what is fragile. 

she stood where she last cried, but this time she wasn’t alone. back then it was just herself, but now she got him to hold.

Life is like a broken glass; imperfect, shattered, ugly and nasty. Moving forward with pain, blood flows out, along with deep sighs and heavy burden.

But the longer  I walk, the more pieces I pick up, the more I find myself lost in  the wonder of brokenness; the beauty of pain; the love of  the world around me.

This person told me that my feelings are valid. That feelings are what makes us humans.

I... wasn’t feeling like myself at that time. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to end whatever feelings left inside of me because it hurts. I didn’t want to reach out at first Until I finally give in and told this person.

It was just a short term crush. Three months, to be exact. Three months, but I learned a lot. 

“Breathe. Just breathe.”

There wasn’t much leisure time for me to actually take a break and breathe. Every night was the same routine -- waking up at odd hours. This person somehow helped me see from a different perspective. And for that, I am grateful as it helps me go through each day.

I don’t know where this person is right now, but I hope this person is doing alright. This person is the most hardworking person I’ve ever met and I really hope I could express my gratitude to this person one day. 

I doubt that you’ll actually read this. It’ll be a miracle if you did. but if you do though... hi. It’s been awhile.  I’m doing okay. Still surviving in Uni, but your advices helped me a lot. I learn to love, and have come to terms with my feelings. You were right.  Feelings are what makes us human. 

I really hope you’re doing okay. With the pandemic going on, I can only pray for your safety and your wellbeing.

Thank you for your advices. I genuinely appreciate it :)  Hope to hear from you some time in the future. 

“Eyes on me,” they said as I  struggled to keep my head up above  the waters.

“Here, take my hand. You got to  try and reach out to me,” said another  as I tasted the ocean water -- or tears, it made no difference to my taste buds.

Numb. It is as if the soul have filed a divorce with the body, it feels as though I can’t even control what is left of me.

Those who offered their hands are still waiting for me to respond. It’s boring, it’s bleak -- those words they thought might help, but to me it could potentially be the next hit on every entertainment platforms.

My head is still above the waters, but the depth of the abyss will eventually welcomes me under; asphyxiates me from the worlds of fake and terror.

Again they said, “Hold on to me, grab my  hands!” But all I could think of is, why can’t you dive in and help me swim instead?

Yes, hi. It has been awhile indeed. A few days to be exact. It’s already the second week of this online class thingy and I swear to God I haven’t been this exhausted in my entire life.

I don’t normally talk about this in public, especially in blogs, because I personally think that opinions on relationship is something I could just keep to myself(?) However, I guess somehow I feel like talking about this, especially now that we are in this pandemic period. 

LDR a.k.a Long Distance Relationship a.k.a worst thing ever to be in during this era of social distancing, and endless video calls as substitution to meeting in real life. I’m not only talking about those who are from different countries, but also those of different States and cities face the same thing as well. Though personally those who are of different countries are the ones facing the most challenges because they have to deal with time zones. You know how annoying time zones can be? It’s noon at where you are and they just woke up. Worse, you’re asleep when they just woke up. 

Of course, different people deals with this their own way. They try their hardest to be strong for the sake of the relationship, and their trust game is on another level. We’re talking about being miles away from each other, and thats the only thing they could do. for now, hopefully!

Literally, they are one of the strongest people I know. So many times they  encounter couples going out for a date, or probably just hanging out at their favourite date spot -- but they still try their best to think positively like ‘One day. One day I will be like them.” or ‘Just a little bit more. I just have to be patient for a little bit more. Until this is all over, I will wait.’

To be in a long distance relationship is to accept the unlimited challenges that one have to face. Communication is V I T A L. It doesn’t have to be a long paragraph everyday on how much you love your partner. It can also be a simple good morning text when you wake up, and a goodnight text before going to bed. When you’re not feeling alright, say it. Don’t say its fine when its not. Miss them? Say it. Want to see them? Ask them. If you keep assuming that they might eventually notice your hints, no. They might take it literally. 

That being said, LDR is not for everyone. If you’re a player, or have low level of patience, its better you just focus on yourself rather than wasting your time trying this out, and hurting both in the process.

Lol wow what a long post for tonight. I guess exhaustion does brings out vulnerability of a person. 

It was pouring heavily at noon, together with the wind howling through the small cracks it could find, trying to prove to those who are taking shelter from the storm that mother nature doesn’t joke around. 

When it started to rain, I was in my bedroom, scrolling through social media, taking a break from reading the 25-pages PDF that my lecturer gave two days ago. Though I do enjoy the cooling sensation from the wind, I still fear the capability of strong winds that could easily bow us away if it decided to use its maximum power. 

How am I doing so far? It’s still easy to judge. Its only been like what, 3 days since online classes starts so I think it is safe to say I am still doing alright. I really hope Covid19 would die down eventually. I am friends deprived, and I miss travelling so much!

Talking about friends, yes I do contact them. Now that online classes have begun, I’ll be contacting them more frequently due to assignments and tasks that we need to do. Y’know, the usual Uni stuff students do to survive :P

/sighs/ I ... am so exhausted these days. Probably ‘cause its almost that time of the month? Idk, maybe. I should try to fix my sleeping schedule. I messed up my sleeping hours and now I’m suffering so bad because of it smh

So yeah, that concludes what is up with me lately. I plan to post some of my poetry here but I haven’t really got the time to sort these things out. I have just recently try to venture into Tumblr, hence my page kinda lacks a lot of things. 

Online classes officially starts this week, which means I need to fix my sleeping schedule. It’s only the first day but there is already a list of assignments needed to complete and due dates have be assigned as well. 

I’m mentally exhausted lately. pfft, it’s only been what, few hours since emails from lecturers comes flooding my mailbox yet my brain feels like its going to explode. I’m suppose to start reading the PDF my lecturer gave regarding the essay he wants us to complete, however my eyes decides to fail me tonight. 

feeling somewhat sentimental tonight. huh, I’m not one to feel like this before -- the feeling of yearning to be in someone’s embrace, and to just spend quality time with that significant other. 

Covid19 cases increased today in my country. I’m annoyed with how things turned out, but I can’t be mad at it 24/7. Hopefully it’ll down down eventually because I am in desperate need to meet up with friends. Most of them are in different states, and meeting up online doesn’t really help eases the pain of missing them. 

I regret taking those chances I had for granted. I could’ve hugged them more, could’ve live life to the fullest lie backpacking all over the country but I didn’t. 

I guess the only I can do right now is patiently wait for this to be over. When it is, I want to be able to hug them as much as I want, as well as travel the world without any restrictions. 

Hopefully that one day comes soon. 

I am not sure why does it have to affect me at a later age but everything seems to be going downhill since late last year, 2019.

1st semester of my 2nd year, a.k.a 3rd semester, I tried to blend in. I faked a smile more than ever and every subject I took tasted bland -- except this literature subject. I thought thing would finally be fine as time goes by but no. I couldn't lie to myself any longer.

4th semester came, it was time to finally be done with important things to graduate on time. Unfortunately, I don't seem to be alright as I thought I would be. It's 2020, the year of the fcking pandemic. Online learning wasn't helping; countless hours of talking to my demons; and several times just thinking about death.

I began to lose sight of things. I don't see the point of achieving the same thing people want me to. It's boring. It's bland. It's fake. My friends and I were excited to graduate on time when we first met, however I don't feel that excited anymore.

As much as I let my demons run around in my head, I can't go. I want to, but I'm afraid. I keep thinking of possibilites of what would happened if I went. I think of those close to me, and I try to hang on to that fine thread because of them.

As much as I want to disappear, I can't. Not now anyway. This song helped me somehow.

I'm trying my best.

I'm trying my best to be okay.

I'm trying my best but everyday is so hard.

Indeed. Its difficult but hey,

I'm still here.