ho in training

okay. so my response to his bullcrap was basically me asking him if that means he’s offering me money for sex and in what way he would describe that as a real relationship. that I feel like he doesn’t value me as a person, blah. I explained to him why and how that doesn’t make any sense and why and how I am right. dumbass me. he came back at me with essentially the same bullshit as before to which I then, amongst other things, asked him: ‘if your daughter was in my situation....what would you advise her?’

well. got no response after that. his daughter is 18 and still very much looks like she’s 12, she also doesn’t really go out or seem to have any interest in anything besides school.

a day or two after all that, I found this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLsBaoDcxow&list=PL2GP17BeNlBjCzQoQDepyIpeb8Ofponwk&index=7 and it just clicked. I should have just said to him that I understand him wanting a real relationship and that I truly want the same with him. make him believe that we DO have the exact same goal and that I can’t wait for it to happen, but that I know myself: if I sleep with him to soon, I will open myself to be way more vulnerable than I’m comfortable at this stage. describe to him how hot I imagine the sex with him will be, go a little into detail and then say that I really need to get to know him better to be able to completely let go when I sleep with him. above all that - I want the first time him entering me to be as sweet and wet and satisfying as I already imagine it in my head. I’m afraid to be too tense and nervous if I let him rush me into that... and I know that he doesn’t want to rush me and risk me not feeling good or even regretting anything afterwards. how I love how protected he makes me feel and that exactly this behaviour of his is why I can’t help but to feel so uncontrollably attracted to him. how I hope that he’s not angry with me when I say that I need a little more time. blah blah blah. he thinks he’s the romantic type so this would have worked 100%.

alright, seems like it’s over with him. we were messaging, he was asking me how I’m spending my days, I listed a bunch of things I did to keep myself busy and amongst other things I mentioned that I’ve given myself a manicure. this asswipe of a human in all seriousness sends me this: ‘not that I’m jealous, but who are you painting your nails for?’ listen, when I read that mental diarrhea my heart rate went up fast and furious, is this little shithead in all seriousness asking me WHY I’M PAINTING MY FUCKING NAILS WHILE I’M STUCK AT HOME, BORED? in fact, my reaction really just showed me that I’m still very much in my masculine when I feel like someone is invading my space. I’m ready to fight, attack and cuss out a motherfucker. I decided to take a post from here - one that I reposted, it’s called ‘letter to a jealous sugar daddy’, tweak it and send it to him. I basically said that him assuming that I’m meeting someone else is hurtful bc although he never said he’d have a problem with it, I just couldn’t see anyone else if I had to lie to them - and I would have to bc he’s a married man. also I do lie to my family and friends which makes me feel so uncomfortable and I skipped on working a few times just to be able to see him and I am so understanding when it comes to his wife and children, I would never interfere in his personal matters, and if I only anticipated the emotional and financial burden that all of this would pose I would have asked for more money, monthly. (he doesn’t give me a set amount of money, but did give me cash every time I asked him to.)

now this assclown in all fucking seriousness responds to me that what he wants is a serious, exclusive, loving relationship. the woman in this scenario would obv have to be okay with him not leaving his wife bc he’s not doing that. but other than that it has to be exclusive. now like in every serious relationship, there has to be sex involved. and because we trust each other, this should go down without condoms and I would of course need to use contraception. (at this point I’m already BOILING.) with all of that happening, he would be ready to provide a monthly allowance - but he does not want the relationship to revolve around money, he wants someone to like him FOR HIM. it has to be genuine.

what happened in the last few months: I told the Banker that I lost one of my jobs to boost his generosity lol. it worked. this job in fact never existed, I just made it up in the beginning so that I’d have an excuse for not seeing him all the time. anyway, I’m in my last semester and I surprisingly got a job in my field (which I am SO happy about, I started 2 weeks before this covid19 shit started happening. I’m now at home all the time, having to do NOTHING for this job but still getting fully paid) - what I told him was that the only income that I now have comes from occasionally babysitting and that I had a job interview for a job starting in october as opposed to right now lol. told him I got the job. he now thinks that he is my sole provider.... now with the quarantine I cAn’T eVeN gO BaBySiTtInG aNyMoRe bOo hOo HoO lel.

we met a few days ago, he gave me 700 and said he doesn’t even want a hug bc ‘it’s forbidden’ 😂 . fine by me 🤷‍♀️ 

I started hyping him up via texts. he grosses me out irl, I won’t get too close to him, but since he’s shy he seems to be more comfortable with the messaging too 😂 . told him that it made me sad I couldn’t even touch him, that I wanted him to come upstairs have a coffee with me blah. I think this stupid shit turned him on so much, he wrote me so many messages afterwards.. amongst others this songtext:

I’ll be the wall that protects you. From the wind and the rain. From the hurt and the pain.

😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂  this man is delusional 😂 I perceive him as so weak and naive. I am amongst the strongest human beings I know, the shit that I went through my whole life would have broken him a long, long time ago. yet he wants to feel like he can protect me 😂 ...makes me think of playing games with little children where you let them believe that they are physically stronger than you, they love it.

a guy I met once last year messaged me yesterday out of the blue. we had one date and he disappeared after that. I wasn’t into sugaring yet so he was younger (33 I think), but I still didn’t chase them boys so I forgot about it even though I did have fun with him. he now wrote that he had some issues last time and needed time to sort things out and that he’d like to meet over coffee lol. had he done this last year, oh boy, I would have been so excited 😂. told him that I’m into traditional dating and proposed a €€€€ bar (hell, not even a restaurant, didn’t want to overwhelm the poor boy), he responded with: ‘sounds like a good idea! I just don’t like paying for the evening, I think it’s silly.’

goddesses, how I love seeing how my standards have changed.

I’m going on a minitrip wih the Banker for the first time tomorrow. my first time ever with a pot/sd. we met on a sugaring site, but he dislikes the terms sugar baby/-daddy lol and he was the second I ever met so I just went with the flow and played the damsel in distress. he gave me almost 2000€ already, we only saw each other a couple times, not a single thing happened.

he asked me what I’d need to wind down and if he could help me with that in any way, so I proposed going somewhere and just get massages, mani, pedi, etc. we’re staying overnight, he took care of everything. I threw in a little test - I didn’t ask if he intends to book one room or two. because this man not only once insisted that he doesn’t expect me to do anything with him and blaaaaaaaaah, so I wanted to see how sincere he was. I still didn’t ask, but I’m guessing he booked only one room. lol they are ALL the same. I will never trust a man.

I am planning on asking him for a monthly allowance. since I have to word it in a way that doesn’t make it seem like I want to be a sb, it’ll be a little tricky. basically, I’m planning on getting dolled up, having him drink a little something, be all over him (never even did that) and then just bluntly ask: “do you think you could help me out monthly?”. if you have any tips and advice on how do get this done, I’d love to hear everything!