darling, dearest, dead.

“ we're discussing you right now, charles. ” a typical deflection from edwin. it seems the boys have that talent in common. the cheeky smirk admits defeat, but it doesn't the fact that charles is more important in this moment. he appreciates the kind words more than he could ever voice aloud. such an extensive vocabulary and it fails him. he nods, “ ━ but thank you. ” edwin does not press the subject but he knows charles means every word.

b) this scene was so domestic. charles is wearing his white tank top. edwin is wearing a shirt with the sleeves rolled up and the buttons on his top collar unbuttoned. he’s sitting on the couch in a comfortable pose.

are you kidding me ?

[ name ] ,  what just happened ?

hey !  what’d you do that for ?

did you plan on ever telling me ?

do you want to tell me the truth ,  this time ?

you seriously think i could’ve done this ?

did you know about this ?

[ name ] ,  what were you thinking ?!

can we talk ?  alone ?

why are you doing all of this ?

it can’t be that bad ,  right ?

haven’t you heard the stories ?

who did this to you ?

what are you insinuating ?

what did you think was gonna happen ?!

you think i could do something like that ?

who do you think you are ?

why won’t you let me help you ?

do you have any evidence of that ?

can we put away our differences for a second ?

where have you been ? 

is that  …  blood ?

what’s your problem ?

are you real ?

where’s your sense of adventure ?

would you kill for me ?

you’re  [ name ] ,  aren’t you ?

why can’t you just let it go ?

do you want me to stay ?

what if we left  …  ran away ?

what else was i supposed to do ?

how did you get this scar ?

could you give me a hand with this ?

do you ever stop talking ?

you’ve never done this before ,  have you ?

where do you think you’re going ?

how many fingers am i holding up ?

what can i say to make it better ?

why can’t we all just get along ?

can i stay the night ?

what’s that supposed to mean ?

where did your common sense go ?

you seriously don’t believe me ?

what aren’t you telling me ?

do you have a minute ?

why are you lying ?

you’re gonna walk away from this ?

where am i supposed to go ?

can we stop and think about this rationally ?

how long has it been since you’ve slept ?

why can’t we be civil about this ?

what makes you so special ?

where is all of this coming from ?

how are we gonna get out of here ?

you’ll never leave me ,  right ?

were you in on this ?

care to join me for a bit ?

shows what you know ,  doesn’t it ?

do you want to get out of here ?

what were you expecting to happen ?

what are you working on ?

i can tell you’re upset ,  what happened ?

when can i see you again ?

where do we go from here ?

can you sit up for me ?

how long have you been awake ?

what are you getting out of this ?

can we put this behind us ?

where are you ?  nobody’s heard from you .

how can i make this go away ?

were you following me ?

where does it hurt ?  show me .

[ name ] ,  what the hell ?

hey  …  can i ask you something ?

you’re not gonna tell me where we’re going ?

really ?  you’re gonna do that right here ?

are you even listening to me ?

we can help each other ,  right ?

hey  …  did you hear that ?

you have no idea who i am ,  do you ?

how long have you known ?

what exactly are you asking me to do ?

how was i supposed to know that ?

are you new around here ?

can you stop and listen to me for a second ?

do you think there’s something wrong with me ?

what ,  you think i’m not qualified ?

why did you help me ?

can you just look at me ,  please ?

what can i do to convince you ?

where did we go wrong ?

oh my god ,  are you bleeding ?

why the long face ?

are you trying to get yourself killed ?

what do you make of this ?

how much do you wanna bet ?

you’re sure this will work ?

why are you so concerned about me ?

what are you trying to prove ?

did you ever care about me ?

are you drunk ?

isn’t this amazing ?

how long have you been standing there ?

what are you suggesting ?

why are you such a pessimist ?

did you know them ?

can we call it a day ?

the thing is, over thirty years is a long time. he's been dead twice as long as he was alive, & that seemed like the longest thing he'd ever experience. if only he'd known.

to others, it mightn't seem that long. the older you get, the faster the years go by. but the issue with the whole being dead thing is that he doesn't get older. not in the way he's supposed to. instead, he's just dead longer, the years stretching out before him unknown. it's strange, this arrested development. he'd be over fifty now, if he hadn't died. feels it sometimes, in the way he can feel the joint conflicting emotions of caring about someone & still knowing they're a fucking cunt & doing all you can to not turn out like them or have someone feel the way they made you feel. THAT'S WHAT GROWING UP IS, RIGHT ? knowing two things can be true at once, no matter how much they contradict each other.

still, regardless of whether or not people might think thirty years is or isn't a long time, they can all agree that it's too long of a time to repress & ignore one's trauma. if not acknowledged ; if not processed even a little, it can bury in deep & rear its head at the most inopportune of moments. THERE'S A TIME & A PLACE FOR THINGS, & maybe some things need to be worked through, no matter how painful it may be. it's a learning moment ---- but charles sometimes likes to wave as those moments pass him by. this, it seems, may be one of those moments. ( yet again ).

" well, if you ever need to talk about - " " we closed the case. i'm great. " / " if you need to talk about your father . . . " nah, nah. i'm just . . . i'm just ready to get out of this town. "

   CHARLES, HAVE YOU BEEN CRYING ?

really, thirty years is a long time, even when you're a ghost. & it's an even longer time to hide a secret from your BEST FRIEND, with whom you share everything else & have spent over three hundred thousand hours in the company of. to put it plainly : this has been a long time coming. so why still does he feel the desperate need to handwave it away, furiously wipe away his tears with the heel of his palms, & put on an effervescent grin ? the need gnaws at him like a crazed hunger, but for once he fights up, bottles it up. if he could tell crystal within days of first meeting her, he can sure as tell edwin after this long. after all, edwin was there when he died. can you really get more vulnerable than that ?

❛     thanks, mate.      ❜ his breathing stutters a little, & his eyes burn hot with tears still unshed, but he’s more able now to keep them at bay. edwin's presence is calming. has always been, really. charles feels less ashamed in trying to hide feelings, though he’s still not all that keen on talking about it all. my dad was rough. it had been enough of an explanation for thirty years, until suddenly it hadn’t been any more. this will take a while to get used to. charles doesn’t even really know why he struggles with this bald-faced vulnerability in front of edwin, but he doesn’t need to know why in order for it to be obvious that he does.

“ charles . . . ” he can't find the words. not yet. something in the back of his mind tells him this is okay. you need only listen. and so he will. edwin hangs on every single word of charles ( as he so often does ). there is a devastating familiarity in his tale of pain and torment. decades of it that they seem to share. he so desperately wants to reach for charles' hand but fights the urge. instead edwin gently places a hand on his shoulder. this will be enough for now. it's amusing . . . how far he's come with displays of affection. something his father would never approve of. that is no way for a gentleman to behave, he'd say. still, he is quite proud of the growth he's made all these years. then again . . . edwin would do anything for charles.

he nibbles on his lower lip, contemplating the right words to say as his best friend wipes away tears. edwin allows instinct to win this time and reaches out for charles' hand to make him stop. “ you needn't maintain this pretense with me. ” it is a small gesture but hopefully provides some comfort. tears were not a luxury afforded to edwin in life. it was oddly cathartic to witness them. in true form, charles attempts to change the subject ( a unique skill they have mastered the art of ). the case can wait. his books can wait. there will be time for them later. “ you, charles rowland, ” he offers him a supportive smile. “ are incapable of ruining anything. ”