I'm just a girl

So so stupid

And yet

How does this action

Have the power to play

Over and over

Over something so dumb

Why do I stay

If I know I’m losing myself

Each day

I know I’m dying more inside

It was the same fight as always. This time I cried because I felt so alone. He has a way of getting in my head when I’m anxious.

At the mall I was so upset because he pulled out his phone at lunch. I said “hey what are you doing?” And he made an excuse that he was trying to arrange his plans for after lunch.

I told him no that’s not okay to do, especially since we had this discussion multiple times (a huge fight the week before) about how disrespectful it is when he’s on his phone and when it is now a dealbreaker for me. I said no you should ask for permission (which came out wrong but I really meant he should be considerate and say hey would you mind”).

He scoffed at me, continued to text and then put his phone down. When I tried to hand him something (his credit card), he completely ignored the gesture and made me stand there for a while while he fixed his wallet. I said “here you go!” And he said “wait.” And left me there for several more seconds.

I can’t even put into words how dead inside I felt with something so insignificant. How many times do I tell him how broken it makes me feel? How stupid I feel for being nothing more than a parent to him. I

I tried to be patient but when we left, I tried to tell him how upset I felt and he seemed to be tuning me out. I know that I was not nagging him, I was trying to just let my opinion out in a fair way but he clearly wasn’t listening. I said, did you realize you made me wait there for a while before you even acknowledged me handing you your card?” And he said “yeah that’s why I told you to wait”

I yelled at you because you broke me

That traps women

Into feeling useless

Into allowing him to destroy them

He forced me to tell him about my past

He lied to me about his

Told me I was insane for thinking he could hook up with his friend

He said, “no, that girl was crazy. I didn’t sleep with her”

He said, “yeah she was clingy. She had low self esteem.”

He was a cheater.

He was a liar.

He never loved.

But he told them he loved them.

He made them feel like he would stay.

Just like how He made me feel like I could trust him.

He told his friends I was acting out.

Being emotional

Irrational

Liar.

He never told them the full story

“Lying’s not that bad” they said.

“Don’t hate yourself. She couldn’t handle things well”

I hate them.

I hate him.

He was never on my side

Beautiful

Carefree

Cynical

Loving

Warm

My soulmate

Abusive

Hurtful

Selfish

Mean

Unempathetic

I caused it

I created it

I thought that I was immune

I played the hand of god

I thought I could

I did

He also wanted me to only please him

And not my own wishes

To love someone so deeply

But wish that they would change

To see the beauty in their hearts

But feel how their darkness tears you apart

To look them in the eyes and feel happiness

But watch as they wipe the tears down your own

Life in its most cruel form

I don’t know what I even want him to do differently. At this point I’m just upset because he isn’t the person that I thought he was

I wish I could’ve been happy and content, but I hate the feeling of being potentially blindsided again.

I don’t even fear that he’s going to sleep with her again. I just fear that I don’t know the real him and that one day, I’ll realize he’s not the guy I want to be with. I just hope that that day comes now, rather than 3 years of marriage.

We used to be so happy, with him talking about marrying me and spending the rest of his life with me.

The reality is, he doesn’t think it’s possible anymore, and with each fight he questions our ability to be together long term

This relationship is so toxic that I can’t go a conversation without being triggered with what happened.

I nearly always think about girls he’s been with or things he’s done.

I wish I was strong enough to either leave or get over it because this feels like self sabotage in its most cruel form

I guess he was lying over and over because he couldn't believe I loved him.

If he told me the truth, he thought he would surely lose me.

But each time I found out he lied, I loved him a little less.