My Lessons. My Journey.

Anxiety has really affected me when it comes to my lack of motivation and lack of sleep. It feels like no matter what you do, you can never get anywhere. You feel so uneasy as if you’re currently having to deal with a problem in the moment and don’t have the right words to say.

For me, anxiety has been a huge battle because it’s one that I’ve dealt with ever since I was 8.

Some people are surprised when I say I really struggle with anxiety and it’s because I mask it with humor and smiling in hopes that things will be ok, when down inside I feel very uncomfortable.

247 notes in my phone from the past 4 years, a majority of them dealing with anxiety. Journaling in my phone has helped me look back and remind myself that I’ve overcome a lot and I’ll continue to fight and overcome my anxiety as much as I need to.

The reality is, problems never go away and there will always be something different around the corner. I’ve found it’s been important for me to acknowledge how I feel so I’m aware in how that’s affecting me in other areas of my life. Then, I work each day on doing things to help me overcome the uneasy feeling. I journal as a way to get everything out of my mind in hopes that maybe this staying up late obsessing over so many things that have yet to happen in my life can mean something later on when I look back at this moment and remember how I was feeling, how I let my worries flow out, and how I could feel more at peace in the moment.

I’ve endured many loses in my life, but nothing can ever prepare you for the loss of a sibling. It’s natural for siblings to butt heads, but always at the end of the day you know you are family and that you LOVE each other. You’d be there for one another and defend your sibling at any cost. Nothing in life can prepare you for the loss of a close family member. A sibling. Life demands so much of us that it is easy to get carried away and lost in the moments. We never think about looking at it all as if it were our last moment with someone dear to us. My sister and I would always FaceTime late at nights and she would always cook for me every now and then. She’d invite me over and we would catch up on life. We would always joke around with one another and had a unique relationship based on mutual understanding of one another. I knew even though I had my imperfections, she still loved me. I was at work when she called me with pure excitement that she was finally getting her kidney transplant. She was grateful. She was set on creating new goals for herself and wanted to help other people with similar experiences not feel alone, so she made a blog dedicated to her journey. On my way to the hospital, I couldn’t watch the latest one she posted three hours before. I kept telling myself it would all be ok and she would wake up. I was fine until I heard the words come out of the doctors mouth that my sister had passed away before they had the opportunity to fly her over to UVA. My mind shut off and I felt in complete shock. I didn’t want to think about what was next. I didn’t want to think about what I would see when they took us over to see her one last time. I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t. I tried sleeping but couldn’t come to rest because my thoughts get the best of me and I know that when I wake up, she still won’t be here. That’s a reality I still can’t come to grips with. I know I won’t be able to right now. This new reality of my life feels different from any other loss I’ve had before. It’s hard coming to terms that we won’t have those FaceTime calls anymore. She won’t be here to continue her journey to full recovery. I kept waiting there hoping she would wake up and it would all be ok, but in reality it’s not ok. I didn’t leave knowing my sister was ok. I left with the reality that my life won’t be the same with her in it. Although it was out of the blue and we didn’t get to have a proper goodbye, I’m trying to focus on the positives and be thankful that I always told her “Goodnight. I love you ❤️” before I went to sleep. Before I left, I made sure to kiss her head one last time and let her know, “I will always love you.” I’m still processing it. I know there’s long days ahead and praying god provides all of the people who knew her and loved her with peace and strength in the coming days, months, and years ahead that we no longer have her presence here with us, physically. She will always be in all of our hearts and I will always cherish her unconditional love as my sibling and her humor. I knew she looked out for me. I will always love you, Pili. I really wish this played out differently. Now we commence this new trial in our lives and we will do our best to stay strong for you. I miss you so much already and I know time will heal this heaviness in our hearts. We will move forward and live as you’d want us to.

I used to think that by losing what meant a lot to me, that I was losing a part of who I was. I’ve come to a revelation that that was not the case at all. As I look back at all the times I thought I died inside, I realized that a new version of who I was becoming started to emerge. It was who I was meant to be. Part of why the last few years were challenging for me was because I didn’t have an identity of my own. My identity revolved around who other people told me I needed to be and my desire to feel accepted because I had felt constantly rejected in my life by so many people. I was always told that I wasn’t appreciative enough, so I always went out of my way to prove that I was. I felt like it was a never-ending battle of trying to prove myself only to fall hard. I soon realized that I got into this bad habit of trying to prove myself to people when I no longer had anything to prove because I was the one primarily managing my life on my own, even when it came down to really big decisions in my life. I thought that by stepping away from pleasing other people, that I’d also lose a lot of the people I cared about. The reality was, I only lost those who weren’t meant to be a part of my life forever because they had not seen me as my own person for a long time. As a young adult, I look back and realize that all of the challenges I’ve faced as a child needed to fall into place in order for me to learn how to survive as an adult. I’ve learned the difference between love and hate. I’ve learned the difference between support and betrayal. I’ve learned what types of people to cut off and how to make it on my own in times of uncertainty. Part of what’s had to happen is I have had to let go of the mindset and habits that I had as a child because they no longer helped me with where I was at in my life as an adult. I always had other people dictate my life decisions for me as a child, so getting comfortable in my new role as the sole decision maker of my own life as an adult was challenging for some time. I needed to learn to trust my decisions and finally feel confident in whichever way my decisions played out. I needed to stop dwelling on the things that were out of my control and embrace the fact that everything would eventually work out in whatever way is convenient at the time. Every time something fell apart, something better always came into place. I also needed to appreciate myself more and value the beauty of what my life has become. Who I’ve become. Somewhere in the midst of constant chaos, I forgot about myself and learned that a major part of where my stress came from was my desire to be accepted and understood. I came to the realization that I needed to be the one to find acceptance within myself and understand that I cannot please everyone, no matter how hard I were to even try. I needed to stop taking on other people’s insecurities and making them my own. I needed to find my own identity. I needed to be my own person and figure out where I was in my own life... The moment I came to this revelation was the moment I started to change how I have been living my life. It was how I found this new self-love, acceptance, respect and understanding for myself that I never imagined would impact my life the way it has. I’ve started to see my life differently. I no longer seek other people’s approval because I finally have my own and that’s all I need. I’ve started to set boundaries in different areas of my life and it’s made me feel more at peace. I’m really thankful that it’s all finally clicked, and I hope that as I get older more things start to click because it feels great!

Part of growing up is accepting when life changes. Life doesn’t always change the way we hoped it would, but it changes the way it needs to. Experiences are the biggest teacher and the lessons we learn will continue to mold us. There was a point in my life where I would question my decisions, but not anymore. Part of being confident in myself is also being confident in the fact that my decisions have been thought out. You can’t make decisions based on other people’s expectations because you’ll only live a life where you constantly question which direction you’re going. None of my decisions within the past several years have been due to impulse, but whether or not it affected my happiness. If I am not happy, then obviously something’s needed to change in my life. Part of growing up is being able to let go of your past if it no longer brings you happiness. Whether that’s in relationships, family ties, or friendships.. Be careful how much of your heart you give away because you may end up having it given back to you in shattered fragments. We fall, but in time we rise higher than before and it becomes easier to do so. Use the stones of life to build a fortress to make it harder for negativity to bring you down. If your life has shown you anything, I hope it’s that you’ve been tough enough to make it this far.

In life, we encounter moments of “Did that really just happen?” It’s certainly happened too many times than I’d like to admit. I’ve learned in life that the truth always comes out in one form or another. People will bring up situations or feelings that make you realize what’s been on their mind. For me, I take it very personal when anyone questions who I am or my intentions. I would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt any of the people I care about. Why would I? That makes no sense. What I would do is defend the people I care about if they’ve been wronged in any way. In these moments of “I never thought I’d be in this position”, I have to look back and evaluate the situation that got me here in the first place and make arrangements from there because somewhere along the line my actual intentions may have been distorted or taken out of context to put me in the crossfire. If I ever did anything wrong, then I’d be more than happy to own up to it. If I didn’t do anything wrong, then you better bet I will stick up for myself against anyone and that’s because I respect myself enough to do so. Part of self-love and putting yourself first comes with defending who you are. Like a snake, I will be more than ready to strike back. I’ve come too far in my life to have ANYONE question the type of person that I am. That’s when things get really personal. Only people who have something to hide have a hard time telling the truth. For me, I’ll lay all my cards out on the table anytime.

Life will take you places and it will also find a way to bring you back to particular ones. This summer has granted me the opportunity to revisit a placement I had been to when I was first admitted to foster care. I had the opportunity to learn more about this placement and better understand how it worked. I met so many individuals and had the opportunity to learn and grow. It helped me better understand more about the career path I want to take and it also opened my mind to the different types of situations people find themselves in. God definitely blessed my summer and provided me with a lot of clarity. My goal was to hopefully impact some lives while I was there and make a difference in someone’s life just as the people who’ve touched my life in such a special way have helped me get to where I am today. It’s bittersweet that this new positive experience revisiting an old chapter will come to an end, but I’m thankful for what it taught me about what I thought I knew and what I know now. It took me back to memories I had long forgotten about and it amazed me to see how far I’ve come since then. I came back to revisit that eight-year-old boy who felt helpless and desperately wanted to be back with his family again. I saw everything from a different perspective and was thankful for the opportunity. I conquered knowing my time going back there was for a reason and I’m thankful for how it continued to fuel my passion to help others. Now, it’s time to continue moving forward to what’s next.

It wasn’t really a loss if it was never yours to begin with... I see a lot of people lose their minds over “falling in love” with someone that I refuse to be that person. I believe that every disappointment clears the path for me. I’ve been here many times before that I know it won’t last forever. Time heals. It’s always important to surround yourself with people who make you feel worth it. Don’t settle for people who make you feel anything less. I’ve grown tired of half-ass promises, half-ass people, and half-ass effort. I’ve been through enough in my life that I won’t tolerate people thinking it’s okay to only speak to me when it’s convenient to them. I’m not an option you just go to when everyone else walks away. I won’t have it. If you want to excuse yourself from my life, then do it. I don’t want people lingering around who weren’t even meant to be in my life in the first place. I’ve learned to value myself, therefore walking away from situations that no longer benefit me. I find my own strength in doing so. I find more of who I am and understand the costs of what I will do in order to remain happy in my life, even if that means I have to subtract from it. A weak mind would constantly make excuses for people. A strong mind can forgive and move on. That’s always important to remember. I don’t need people to lie to me to feel complete. I already am complete.

I’m blessed that I have the support system that I do because whenever I'm struggling everyone always jumps to see if they can help, and their support helps me. It motivates me to do better for myself. Nothing in this world can amount to how thankful I am. Sometimes I deal with a lot that it's nice to have people who tentatively listen and understand me in that sense because for a long time I was the only one paying attention to myself. I had nowhere to vent and the people who took me under their own house didn't do it because they actually cared. They did it for their own motives which didn't include me, just the income that was gotten out of my placement there. I've never been able to wrap my head around how you can adopt someone and make them feel worthless and then go on with your life as though that child never existed. My summers consisted of “slave work” and the money that was given to provide my siblings and I a better life was used to add onto the value of a log house and for funding my adopted parents’ cruise money. It was hard to pretend there may have been a time when they actually cared in any way when they no longer cared to keep a connection because their character was exposed in court. It mentally and emotionally affected my ability to trust that some people actually had my best interest at hand, and it took time to heal and understand the difference between good people and manipulative ones. Not everyone that cared to do something nice for me out of a random act of kindness was like my adopted parents. I have luckily overcome that paranoia. I looked back and see how it's also helped make me the stronger, much wiser man that I am today. A lot of hurt went into that adoption and a lot of bad things continued to escalate even thereafter. It was hard when I wasn’t able to be there to protect my sister when the predator of the household attempted to try to take advantage of her. My sister reached out to me after the situation occurred, in tears, and I encouraged her to speak to our adopted mom. I was very disappointed when I learned that our own “mother” was not able to protect my sister, instead she attempted to sweep it under the rug and keep everything quiet. Protecting that monster of a man who she always considered the “backbone” of the family, when in reality he was the biggest culprit in why it all fell apart. I loved my “mother” more than him, but realized she would never put herself in a position to stand up to him. Instead, she would always make excuses for him. It took me a while to not cry when I spoke up about what happened to my little sister and I still choke up sometimes because i look at her now and I’m proud of the young woman she is becoming and for the strength she had to speak up about it. It all really made me rethink the whole adoption, especially when I already found out it was based on fraud and manipulating a system that’s purpose was to provide a better life for children. I’m thankful to be in a better place now. I’m thankful all of us kids made it safe out of there. I take pride in how I am managing my adulthood because I didn’t let the past cripple my spirit, and instead I chose to take the necessary steps I needed to in order so that I could grow and heal from it. I’m building a better life for myself and I have great people around me who help do their part as well. Years ago, I was surrounded by hatred, greed, and people who were manipulative. Now, I am surrounded by more love, support, and acceptance. I couldn’t have prayed for anything better.

My view on love went from imagining that one day I’d meet a guy who’d risk his reputation for me- to realizing that real life was quite the opposite. I no longer believe in free-willingly giving my heart away because I learned in due time that people don’t always have the best of intentions and just because you care about someone doesn’t mean that they care about you the same way. There’s people out there who know how to play a manipulative game to get what they desire out of you, and once they get what they want from you, they leave you as quickly and out of the blue as they showed up. I’ve met some good guys of quality and I’ve also met guys with the only quality being their looks, but nothing beyond that to offer. After years of giving certain guys chances only for them to prove me right that they couldn’t step up, I finally settled for myself. I don’t give in like I used to and I only give effort in the quantities that are given to me. I don’t believe in everything being one sided and I will not give someone the satisfaction of thinking I “need” them in my life if they don’t truly want to be in it to begin with. I believe that there’s always something better and just because things end doesn’t mean it’s the end. I look at how far I’ve come in my life alone and the battles I’ve fought to be where I am today. If I’ve gone this long being alone, then I can certainly go a lot further. Do I believe that one day I will find true love? Yes. Do I believe that just because a guy smooches you with sweet words and makes you feel good inside, in the moment, that I’ve finally found the one? No. It has never been about being scared of commitment, but digging deep inside myself and walking away from the things that were clearly not meant to be a forever part of my life. I think of every disappointment as a sign that I’m headed in the right direction. When things have gone wrong and I’ve fell down hard, it all taught me what to look out for moving forward into the future. It’s all somehow steering me in the right direction and I only have my past to attest for that because it has gotten me to where I am today. A more happier place with a greater sense of who I am.

I doubt myself a lot. I’ve been my own worst critic. Criticizing my abilities and hiding from the shame. The shame is like a dark shadow. It lingers in the back of my mind following me wherever I go and it pays attention to my insecurities. I think honesty is the best way to fight it. Being honest that there is a problem and working every day to try to make it less of a burden. It eventually won’t bother you as much when you learn to not believe it anymore, even if it’s still sort of there. Challenge your mind and change the things you do that remind you of it. Lean away from the thoughts that break you down and think of hope instead. You can build beautiful things with hope. Find yourself in the things you enjoy. Spend time with loved ones and get lost in nature, long drives at night, listen to music, and look in the mirror and remind yourself that you are worth it. Tell the voices in your head that despite what they say, they only criticize illusions. You are valuable just the way you are and owe it to yourself to realize your value and how far you’ve come.

It’s always hard to let go of things that were important to me, but I understand that’s just how life is sometimes. It never really gets easy. I just get more used to to it. I’m thankful for the experiences I’ve been given to explore what I want out of life. It helps me sort out the confusion because I’m not sure how to feel all the time. I just do my best to manage the waves as they come. I fall and there’s days when I fall really hard, but I eventually find my way back to the surface where everything is more grounded. I’m thankful for my friends/family who support me to follow my desires in life, just as I support them and want the best for every single one of them. In the end, we all just want to find happiness. Happiness can look different for any given person. You deserve nothing less than what you want out of life. The important thing is to stay a good person and not allow things in life to turn you completely cold and bitter. You can find a balance of acceptance/love with everyone, even yourself. Every day is a new start to create the life you want to live. Hard lessons may fall into play, and sometimes part of the journey is simply accepting things as they are. You can’t control everything, every situation, or anyone. You can only control whether you stay stuck or try to find a solution to solve the problem. It’s not always easy, but try. Even if it means taking a break. You can always try again. ❤️