#mytruths

People who love

Passionately

Are meant to be loved

I’m not religious but I believe in God.

My favourite colour is forest green.

I’m an omnivore. I love eating MEAT.

My spirit animal is a mix of cat and dinosaur.

I’m a teacher.

My desire to learn and grow is insatiable.

The beautifully cursed year 🍂

I have lived my life with intention, then I came to realize this kind of life was too tiring. So then I lived with randomness as I believed not emphasizing on everything I do and living free-of-thought was liberating.

As a consequence, I became lost. I lost track of who I am as a person, what my purpose was.

I’ve endured many loses in my life, but nothing can ever prepare you for the loss of a sibling. It’s natural for siblings to butt heads, but always at the end of the day you know you are family and that you LOVE each other. You’d be there for one another and defend your sibling at any cost. Nothing in life can prepare you for the loss of a close family member. A sibling. Life demands so much of us that it is easy to get carried away and lost in the moments. We never think about looking at it all as if it were our last moment with someone dear to us. My sister and I would always FaceTime late at nights and she would always cook for me every now and then. She’d invite me over and we would catch up on life. We would always joke around with one another and had a unique relationship based on mutual understanding of one another. I knew even though I had my imperfections, she still loved me. I was at work when she called me with pure excitement that she was finally getting her kidney transplant. She was grateful. She was set on creating new goals for herself and wanted to help other people with similar experiences not feel alone, so she made a blog dedicated to her journey. On my way to the hospital, I couldn’t watch the latest one she posted three hours before. I kept telling myself it would all be ok and she would wake up. I was fine until I heard the words come out of the doctors mouth that my sister had passed away before they had the opportunity to fly her over to UVA. My mind shut off and I felt in complete shock. I didn’t want to think about what was next. I didn’t want to think about what I would see when they took us over to see her one last time. I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t. I tried sleeping but couldn’t come to rest because my thoughts get the best of me and I know that when I wake up, she still won’t be here. That’s a reality I still can’t come to grips with. I know I won’t be able to right now. This new reality of my life feels different from any other loss I’ve had before. It’s hard coming to terms that we won’t have those FaceTime calls anymore. She won’t be here to continue her journey to full recovery. I kept waiting there hoping she would wake up and it would all be ok, but in reality it’s not ok. I didn’t leave knowing my sister was ok. I left with the reality that my life won’t be the same with her in it. Although it was out of the blue and we didn’t get to have a proper goodbye, I’m trying to focus on the positives and be thankful that I always told her “Goodnight. I love you ❤️” before I went to sleep. Before I left, I made sure to kiss her head one last time and let her know, “I will always love you.” I’m still processing it. I know there’s long days ahead and praying god provides all of the people who knew her and loved her with peace and strength in the coming days, months, and years ahead that we no longer have her presence here with us, physically. She will always be in all of our hearts and I will always cherish her unconditional love as my sibling and her humor. I knew she looked out for me. I will always love you, Pili. I really wish this played out differently. Now we commence this new trial in our lives and we will do our best to stay strong for you. I miss you so much already and I know time will heal this heaviness in our hearts. We will move forward and live as you’d want us to.

I used to think that by losing what meant a lot to me, that I was losing a part of who I was. I’ve come to a revelation that that was not the case at all. As I look back at all the times I thought I died inside, I realized that a new version of who I was becoming started to emerge. It was who I was meant to be. Part of why the last few years were challenging for me was because I didn’t have an identity of my own. My identity revolved around who other people told me I needed to be and my desire to feel accepted because I had felt constantly rejected in my life by so many people. I was always told that I wasn’t appreciative enough, so I always went out of my way to prove that I was. I felt like it was a never-ending battle of trying to prove myself only to fall hard. I soon realized that I got into this bad habit of trying to prove myself to people when I no longer had anything to prove because I was the one primarily managing my life on my own, even when it came down to really big decisions in my life. I thought that by stepping away from pleasing other people, that I’d also lose a lot of the people I cared about. The reality was, I only lost those who weren’t meant to be a part of my life forever because they had not seen me as my own person for a long time. As a young adult, I look back and realize that all of the challenges I’ve faced as a child needed to fall into place in order for me to learn how to survive as an adult. I’ve learned the difference between love and hate. I’ve learned the difference between support and betrayal. I’ve learned what types of people to cut off and how to make it on my own in times of uncertainty. Part of what’s had to happen is I have had to let go of the mindset and habits that I had as a child because they no longer helped me with where I was at in my life as an adult. I always had other people dictate my life decisions for me as a child, so getting comfortable in my new role as the sole decision maker of my own life as an adult was challenging for some time. I needed to learn to trust my decisions and finally feel confident in whichever way my decisions played out. I needed to stop dwelling on the things that were out of my control and embrace the fact that everything would eventually work out in whatever way is convenient at the time. Every time something fell apart, something better always came into place. I also needed to appreciate myself more and value the beauty of what my life has become. Who I’ve become. Somewhere in the midst of constant chaos, I forgot about myself and learned that a major part of where my stress came from was my desire to be accepted and understood. I came to the realization that I needed to be the one to find acceptance within myself and understand that I cannot please everyone, no matter how hard I were to even try. I needed to stop taking on other people’s insecurities and making them my own. I needed to find my own identity. I needed to be my own person and figure out where I was in my own life... The moment I came to this revelation was the moment I started to change how I have been living my life. It was how I found this new self-love, acceptance, respect and understanding for myself that I never imagined would impact my life the way it has. I’ve started to see my life differently. I no longer seek other people’s approval because I finally have my own and that’s all I need. I’ve started to set boundaries in different areas of my life and it’s made me feel more at peace. I’m really thankful that it’s all finally clicked, and I hope that as I get older more things start to click because it feels great!

Part of growing up is accepting when life changes. Life doesn’t always change the way we hoped it would, but it changes the way it needs to. Experiences are the biggest teacher and the lessons we learn will continue to mold us. There was a point in my life where I would question my decisions, but not anymore. Part of being confident in myself is also being confident in the fact that my decisions have been thought out. You can’t make decisions based on other people’s expectations because you’ll only live a life where you constantly question which direction you’re going. None of my decisions within the past several years have been due to impulse, but whether or not it affected my happiness. If I am not happy, then obviously something’s needed to change in my life. Part of growing up is being able to let go of your past if it no longer brings you happiness. Whether that’s in relationships, family ties, or friendships.. Be careful how much of your heart you give away because you may end up having it given back to you in shattered fragments. We fall, but in time we rise higher than before and it becomes easier to do so. Use the stones of life to build a fortress to make it harder for negativity to bring you down. If your life has shown you anything, I hope it’s that you’ve been tough enough to make it this far.