i miss nick more than i can explain to anyone for more than five seconds without bawling my eyes out. no noise. just tears. so many tears. i don’t know how to function without people that i find immense comfort in. that i can suffer freely around without being judged. and they just know i am the way i am.

but especially nick. in the way that he says so much without really saying much. i even miss the way this dude fucking smells. i miss his random sass in the saddest, scariest moments. i miss his sarcastic comments in his drawl. i miss him constantly making the trek to visit me wherever i am. 

every time i get into this weird place, the rocket summer helps so much. i always think i’m not in the mood for them and i have a habit of forgetting how it just can throw me back to when i was younger, still sad, still going through all the same things...but that i made it out of there. the issues are the same and they’re darker now, i’m running out of time because i’m so old but i know i didn’t kill myself then and i have to try not to now.

i ran across the live video i took of “treasures” and it is still so good to me after all these years.

i kept telling myself i couldn’t drive to buffalo for the show. i had so much anxiety. i knew i needed to go because bryce needs a presence in upstate NY if he’s going to come back. i couldn’t relate to the new album then. SO MUCH was going on at school that i felt like i was going to break. i paid for angel’s ticket and decided i could’t miss it. like how i miss so many things because i’d just rather not do them but forcing myself usually ends up in a good time. and the things i really miss always end up being for a good reason. (JB concert, him not showing up)

i think about how it started so slow and i talked to those two people. angel standing against me and bored by the openers. he couldn’t understand so i just paid for his drinks like any good friend would do. he found me after 2 and i could tell he was so drunk because the bartender was new. gin and tonic. gin and tonic.

i remember him disappearing and me screaming every word to all the songs, wishing he could see how i felt so open to god and the universe. how i believed again and how the music is actually catchy once you give it a shot and how OPEN i felt my heart was in that moment.

i remember after. finding my car and it was so bitter cold. i remember the girls waiting for bryce and how they didn’t look like they were going to quit. i ran into a girl that kind of recognized me because i’m probably 1 of 2 asians ever at his show. she didn’t like being known for the number of shows she’d been to anymore and i felt awkward. like i’d violated her unknowingly and that made her hate me right off the bat lol.

i remember checking twitter to see how much longer i would have to wait. angel, the arizona native decides to sit in my car. the leather doesn’t help and people are tweeting at him that we’re waiting. i want to leave about 6 times because bryce looks thinner than ever and i don’t want him to freeze to death.

he comes out and he looks at me right away. “HEY!!!” i don’t know if he’s just pretending to remember who i am but he starts talking to everyone else. they are long winded and not thinking about how much he’s shivering. a taller girl starts explaining her depression to him and how she just graduated college. she’s crying and i’m thinking about how i was like that with him in texas after he got ambushed by “the rocket summer family.”

i try to be patient and not roll my eyes are her. i think about how if my music affected people like that...i could relate to their sadness and depression but it would be SO hard to listen to all of those details. he nods along politely and looks very sweet trying to figure out what to do when she’s sobbing hysterically. all i can think of is how i don’t want to take up too much of his time because he’s freezing. angel keeps telling me he won’t know who i am and i’m convinced too, because it’s been so long and i’m always at shows with different people. finally, he breaks away and walk towards me. i’m so nervous..i’m 12 again, like when i met him with all those orange starburst.

i hand him the print that i made and he smiles. i ask him to sign one and it’s freezing. he tells me about how he’s so glad i came out.

“it’s weird but the entire time i was making the new album, you kept popping into my head. i know you think i’m lying but i’m really not. i kept thinking about how it was all taking so long and how i needed to get on tour because i wanted you to have more shows to come to. i didn’t know if you’d be in texas again and i kept thinking ‘she probably doesn’t listen to you anymore! she forgot all about you!’”

i explain to angel that i flew 1500 miles to his show on the weekend of 4.20 to see him with my best friend. and how i’d never felt such happiness than a six lane highway on texas where i could scream EVERY WORD to a spotify playlist that only consisted of his music and my friend knew all the words too!

i laugh really nervously and am in complete disbelief that bryce would say something like that. and that it was total proof to angel. we take an ugly photo together because angel’s drunk and cold and he wants to go. i wish i’d written bryce a ridiculously long letter but my penmanship always frustrates me.

i remember being completely alone when i met him in rochester after that family met and trying to explain how close i felt to killing myself. how the rocket summer show always comes around in time and i go and feel rejuvenated. how he reminds me that there is a god, that there is hope, and that he was a struggling musician that was homeless and in dark times just like i am. even with the love of his life, he struggled. i think about how he was worried the album was taking too long and i hear in my head that maybe he was worried i might kill myself.

i feel so gone sometimes and i’m not good with words, i don’t know how to explain it, but i feel like i was meant to find his music. who knew my 6th grade crush’s recommendation would stick with me over a decade later. i am so thankful for bryce avary and talent and hard work every day.

hope the new grass you seek is greener than the greenest green and if it's not, or if it is i just hope you'll be at peace, at least