guilty of no poetry

“Безумие — это точное повторение одного и того же действия. Раз за разом, в надежде на изменение. Это есть безумие.”

Ноябрь окутал город серой безнадёжностью. 

Небо, как плотный смог, давило прямо на голову отражаясь на возможности мыслить ясно. В один момент, все решения что были приняты в порыве смелости, зрелости духа, казались безумной ошибкой. 

Обострение.

Кислорода резко стало не хватать. Пульс подскочил и во рту сушило от выброса адреналина в кровь. Дрожь по телу и ощущение потерянности в родном городе. 

Я нервно курила на перекрёстке, оборачиваясь из стороны в сторону, не зная куда мне идти дальше. Дождь разбивался об мои пылающие щёки. Глаза видели всё, каждую деталь происходящей вокруг жизни. Гул города резал мне ухо. Я чувствовала как сердце отбивает 120 по грудной клетке. При всём этом, моё чувство равновесия и положение в пространстве было катастрофически нарушено. Хотелось бежать. Я не знала куда.

Ветер беспощадно задувал в открытое пальто, но я не чувствовала холода. Лишь полное отчаяние.

Подняв правую руку я остановила такси. 

before you read

Никто не может угадать людей, что идут им на встречу.  

Свешивая ноги с неба двенадцатого этажа и спокойно куря третью сигарету, я с интересом рассматривала как те далёкие грустные лица опустив глаза проходят мимо друг друга. Даже не подозревая, что сегодня особенный день.  

Сегодня они живут.

Всё как в замедленном кадре фильма.

Ночной отблеск города от мокрых асфальтов. Такси, не спеша, в подтверждённом направлении. Дым никотина, скользящий по холодным щекам и обжигающий глаза. И то ли дождь, то ли грусть. Может на календаре ещё Ноябрь, может в душе уже Май. И то ли влюблён, то ли потерян ты.  

Проснувшись ранее утром, излучая неоспоримую динамику радости, я заварила кофе. Неуспешно пытаясь контролировать вспышки памяти твоих глубоких, богатых вдохновением глаз, что смотрят на меня пристально с желанием и интересом. Моя сущность, что сразу распознала тебя. Та незапланированная встреча. Так должно было случиться. Так должно было быть.

Тогда началась история одного человека. Точнее, история двух потерянных душ.

Как слепящий маяк ты окутал меня пониманием свободы, мысли, равностью чувств и манящего притяжения. И как тот самый свет, которым являешься ты, стал заполнять, вливаясь в неравенства моей судьбы. Как долго я тебя знаю, как долго я искала тебя.  

Это так естественно, так хорошо.

Но проговаривая себе в слух, как заевшую мантру - “не губи”, я должна тебя отпустить...  

Я убеждена - мы встретились с назначением.  

Возможно для того, чтобы разбудить друг друга и высвободить желание жить. Желание любить еще сильнее.  

Желание жить любя.

They were friends until they weren't.

Climbing tops of gnarly conversation trees,

Hiding just behind the secret midnight yearnings,

Hoping yesterday was not a meaningless 'long gone'.

They've touched the stars dissolving in a higher gardens,

Kissing longitude that they've spread between the hopeless minds.

Asking romance not to surrender,

For night to last until they're done.

Becoming one, with every thought they've shared in doubt.

Tracing light into the dark,

And darkest failure into the light.

'Oh have I lived? - please tell me brother.

Have I reached the wrongs and rights?

Have you ever wanted more from feelings?

And will we ever make it through the night?

I've been questioning decisions,

Blinded by temptation

Acted loud, like impulse was my heart.

Like I would never have tomorrow to wake up to,

As though I was hidden from the ultimate of life.

Now, have you heard me?

I stood at cliff with bags of unshared feelings,

Not yelling loud, not breathing even friction.

Thinking why I can not say goodbye?

Admitting sabotage, I lied.'

'Yet, so I shall, my troubled sister.

I shall tell you what's on my mind.

Not hiding thoughts, nor difficult decisions,

Test your capacity to experience the sense of touch.

Oh I will tell you what I have done,

Oh what I've done to stay alive and restless.

How I loved the morning light and how I felt when sunset has become my daytime.

I'll slam you down my uneasy, messy arms,

I'll shout you out and leave you breathing heavy,

Beacuse 'this is not a dream, it's just a distant memory'.

But please come here and hunt me,

Please come here, I know you want me.

I shall forgive the sabotage you've done.'

Under all of that wrong direction

I have forgot to mention,

I'm so inlove with you brother, it's joy.

Though left with taste of odd and different affection,

Confusion strike, this choking honesty expression,

Can we admit that we're still strangest friends

And will remain until the end.

Through the tides, synchronised with you,

Where. Are. You?

Love,

Ponky x.

Your lips, my lips. Apocalypse

Go and sneak us through the rivers

Flood is rising up on your knees

Oh, please

Come out and haunt me,

I know you want me

Come out and haunt me

Before you read  A riot with myself.

She allowed me to feel, opened up my soul. Made me question absolutely everything I thought I knew about myself without moving a finger. I struggle to imagine (with my ludicrous imagination, right) what she could do if she showed affection.

Want to take her places, see-through, swim in her eyes, make plans, take the wrong turns, race her on and off the road, I want to argue and make up, surf in sunny and surf in rainy weather, read poetry to her and get beerwet in the middle of the mosh pits of all the gigs we’d go to - losing ourselves to music, individually, together. Hell, I would even allow her to win in some of the competitions we’d be having :)

I wish I had enough courage to tell her how I feel and hope that she would feel like I challenge her. That she could feel enough to challenge me back.

I wish I could show her that there is more to discover about herself via relationships than she ever dreamed possible. So she would get to relate herself and others in a totally different way. I wish I could allow her to feel special and free from anything that shackles or holds her back. I wish I’ve shacked her world. I wish I was a connection she felt excited about and who made her feel utterly and totally alive in a way she may not have felt before. Lift her out of the ordinary and transport into the extraordinary.

One thing though. 

Woke up this morning processing a feeling - I cannot wait and dwell on something that may never happen. I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t ask to fall for anyone. But yet I did. And it happened to be her. Stormed my life as the storm that she is. How the fuck could I not?! 

Today I’ve told her that I’m going and had no reaction back... (just to be clear, I wasn’t looking for it, but it did bring clarity). As complicated, hard to read and misunderstood she is, it seems my announcement still didn’t shift a thing inside... And I just have to accept it. I don't think she’s comfortable with me and my feelings around, I honestly don’t think that she likes me anymore. I’ve absolutely killed it when told her (out of the blue for myself too) that I’ve misread her and fell ocean deeeeeeeeep right into ......

The point I’m trying to make here is that I'm packing my feelings into a backpack and arrivederci!

Anxiety galore and I am absolutely shitting myself at this point, as all I have is somewhat of a ‘plan’ (still too big of the word for it :))), no idea how and where I’m going to end up, and so on and on and on... BUT! I have a dream that I am taking. I am so excited! Adrenalin is kicking in and my heart is racing. Awe, this anticipation of unknown.

Life is a funny thing though. I’ve told my mate at work about me leaving, so he started asking about my plans and I’ve mentioned traveling. So he tells me how jealous he is of a free spirit of mine and that I’ve reminded him of his friend that has now been traveling for 5 years, and just happens to be in town for a couple of days. So three of us are now meeting up for drinks tomorrow to discuss life, travel, and beauty of freedom. Really looking forward to it. I mean, read the life signs, right?

Never realized, when I was making a decision a year ago to reset and rebuild myself, by taking a step back in my career and a rat race I was stuck in, I was stepping into a different stage of my life. What a chapter! What a wonderful life! People I got to meet, the connections that I’ve made, eye-opening experiences I have undergone, how high it made me feel....

One thing I have definitely learned in life so far is that things happen for a reason, and life is a journey, so I am going on one. We all live under the same sun, it just warms us up differently.

But I still wish I had her to share the impulsive and life-changing decision with...

How will I ever get over her?... If I do, will I ever be able to forget her? In all of my being and spirit, I wish her well. 

I know that she will figure her career and values out, I know that she will ‘perfect’ herself on the outer level. I know that she will not sell herself short in any kind of relationships that life presents. I can just see those good times and good company on her agenda. I think she craves freedom and that freedom is to be herself. I hope, as she is a beautiful human being. I hope that she stays this way. 

I will miss you so much.

I take back what I said

I'm sittin' with this love hangover

And (girl), it's hurtin' my head

It's the middle of october

Oh we just came to an end

I'm just sorry that there ain't no time left

You and I, we're over

Me and you are done

When I wanted to be closer

You just wanted to run

Though I know it's no one's fault

If I've learned anything at all

With us no matter how I add it up

One plus one is none

Wow.

Whilst practising an emotional detachment (not quite sure how this is going to work out for me, thinking I might just end up not connecting with anyone all together) I have run into this absolute tune from the past.

Music is always the answer.

For the alcoholics drinking themselves into amnesia to forget someone who left.

2am is not for the lovers asleep in each other’s arms.

It is for the lonely, the ones who are in love with the loved.

"Loving people live in a loving world.

Hostile people live in a hostile world.

Same world."

Wayne Dyer

The weirdness of this pleasure, is the time it is taking to last.

Wondering look for the one who is treasure, in a memory that is built to last.

Awkward moment when you are fighting temptation,

And challenged heart that gets waken at night.

Run away, run away from the inside,

Run away from the moment in life.

But then she comes, this Full Moon, and she is ever so bright,

Triggers desires for something you cannot quite name,

For something that you cannot deny.

You will take it as it comes, you will follow this with unexpected honesty.

He has shed a tear when I've explained that I am stuck in this need to feel complete,

After seven years of manipulating my common sense.  

That I am running from this life and his heart, and I feel like he was lying too.

Embarrassed by his obvious indifference. Not really.

Fuck.

I am convincing myself that we are a world apart, now I have left him hanging on his hope.

He is running too.

After a share of tears and a good laugh of memories that we had, easily, we did let go.

My darling,

Hold my hand, and

Take a stroll with me through the meadow,

In a gentle warmth of the sun.

Hear the whispers of nature in bloom?

Spring has settled last night in light of the moon.

Let's lie-down on a cushion of pasture,

Talking nonsense and wonderful things.

Asking questions, and laughing and having

Thankful minds for the blessing of time.

See those birds on the branches of Willow?

Little hearts beating fast to survive,

Spreading wings like the arrows of being,

Every morning is grace in their eyes.

Oh, darling, where are we now?

Oh honey, how much longer do we have left?

There is dawn on its way to remind us,

All decisions were made for the best.

You and I, we are no longer strangers,

You and I, we were born to the wild.

See those birds on the branches of Willow?

I am so transparent when deflecting,

Running from the cities, from the people that I love.

I am keeping this from you in a secret,

Tightening longitude by 180 degrees. 

And we keep on crying, rising up from the seas,

Want you to know - I am taking it with me.

Baby, what am I now? Oh, baby, where will I be?